More Departed?

I was making my daily website rounds yesterday when I came across some upsetting news. It isn’t earth shattering (yet) and it probably only matters to a few, but that’s who I write for. It seems as if there are talks for a sequel to The Departed. When I first read the article, it was like having my hand slammed in a door. It hurt, but not on that stomach-punch or kick to the nuts level.

Now, if you haven’t yet seen The Departed I’m telling you to stop reading now. Stop right now. Mark this post and come back to it after you’ve seen the movie, in fact you should probably just log off your computer, leave work and run to the movies. Can’t get a sitter? Call me, or just leave them some water and put all sharp objects out of reach. I don’t care. Do whatever you have to do just go see the movie already. Oh, and it’s coming out on video in two weeks.

There are a few glimmers of hope for this project. First, Scorsese is still involved and they want Robert De Niro to play a part. With De Niro and Scorsese it’s hard to go wrong. Now lets be honest De Niro, hasn’t exactly had the best track record of late. But this could be like Jordan’s famed “double nickel” game in the Garden. (For those that don’t know the story, Michael Jordan’s first comeback started off kind of slow and then he scored 55 against the Knicks in the most famous arena in the world)

Also, many don’t know this, but The Departed is actually a re-make of a Hong Kong film called Internal Affairs, and that was a trilogy. The first story I read, just mentioned a sequel, but I’ve done some research and they are actually talking sequel AND prequel. Could this end up as Scorsese’s Godfather? Well, we all know that they made one too many there. So personally, I’d rather just see a prequel. I don’t see how a sequel could really work. I mean, everyone is dead by the end of The Departed except for Mark Whalberg.

So last night I began thinking about how they could do this, and a prequel is all that made sense. Only I don’t see how you can bring back Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio, at least not as major characters. So here is how I see it:

Taking place a few years before Damon and Leo are even in the police academy, Jack is running has his crew. But where as in The Departed we didn’t see that he had any competition, in the Hirp version of the prequel there’s another gangster in town. And the two factions don’t play nicely. Oh, this one just happens to be lead by Robert De Niro. Can you imagine a scene with De Niro and Nicholson? It’d be the biggest movie event since De Niro and Pacino.

Now Jack has what the Italians call a consiglierie, played by Brad Pitt who was originally casted in the first movie. It turns out this isn’t such a good thing for Jack. Pitt is actually working for De Niro (he couldn’t join Cosa Nostra because he isn’t 100% Italian) Well, when Jack finds out the shit hits the fan of course. He ends up getting a visit from the Feds who help him smoke out Pitt, as well as kill De Niro. Which leads to him owing the Feds a favor, and this is how he ends up in bed with them as we heard in The Departed. Also, the fact that he was infiltrated by a rival is what gives Jack the idea to put a mole in the police department.

I can still see Martin Sheen having a role, as well as Mark Whalberg. They’ve been on the case for a while. And maybe small roles for Leo and Matt, but I don’t really know if that’s necessary. I really think that a story along these lines could work, but I don’t see how a sequel could work. And to be honest I really rather they not make one. Just because a movie is both great, and makes a ton of money doesn’t mean they need to make a sequel. I think that’ll have to be its very own post some day.

FOXn Idiots

I don’t know if you’ve seen or heard about this, but it looks like we may have a new Bad Boy Records-Death Row Records-like beef. With one twist, rather than a beef between two record companies, this time it looks to be between two “news” organizations. Recently Fox News ran an ad that took a shot at Anderson Cooper. You can watch the clip here.




There, did you watch? Would Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw ever be involved in something like this? What I love was the crack about the “publicity” that Anderson Cooper gets. C’mon! Here you are, giving the guy publicity for crying out loud! That’s just one example of what makes those at Fox News a bunch of morons. The other is the crack about Cooper not being a real journalist and losing to a girl. Well, let’s look at that alleged “girl,” Greta Van Susteren. This opportunistic piece of plastic-Scientologist crap isn’t a journalist at all. She has a law degree, and because she was easy on the eyes she was given a chance to get on the air during the William Kennedy Smith trial. Later she popped up on of all places, CNN, to help cover the OJ case.

It really reminds me of a rap beef, Fox News bragging about ratings like rappers brag about record sales. Let me set the record straight here, making more money than someone else doesn’t make you better. Being more popular, doesn’t make you smarter. And saying completely assanign crap doesn’t make you edgy. If Fox News was comfortable with their place in the market, would they really feel the need to take a shot at someone?

And who the hell does Fox think they are? They must have a short memory; they seem to have forgotten what made them. When the Fox Channel first made its splash, it was with “Married with Children” and “The Simpson’s.” Two shows that thoroughly pissed off the religious right for their lack of family values. Isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think? And now they air “American Idol,” which has a done more to dumb down America than President Beavis or Vice President Butthead.

The truth is that this is all just a crappy marketing campaign. A campaign that happens lacks class, originality, a point and anything that could resemble intelligence. Fox News is pimping out their little “journalist” to take shots at actual journalists. So Greta has to keep her raitings high, cuz bitch betta have Rupert “Suge Knight” Murdoch’s money. The only good that can come from all this, is if Bill O’Reilly gets taken out in a drive-by in Vegas.

Solid Aces

Jeremy Piven was always a “that guy.” He was always a guy in a movie that when you talked to your friends about, they thought “that guy” was funny, and they remember “that guy” from every John Cusak movie or from Rush Hour, or PCU. Or you knew you had seen “that guy” in some other movie, but couldn’t remember the flick. He was the quintessential “that guy.” Then along comes some little HBO series, and he becomes everyone’s favorite asshole. Liberace couldn’t find an asshole he liked as much as we like Ari.

And being that I’m the kinda guy who is trying out for a Pop Culture game show, I knew his filmography better than most. I had seen, enjoyed and even own an indie movie called Just Write that he did. And within 2 minutes of Smokin’ Aces I recognized Alex Rocco’s voice (Mo Green from GF2) as his father from said indie flick. Basically, I knew who Piven was to the point that he wasn’t a “that guy” to me. He was Piven, Cusaks sidekick who needed bigger roles.

So when Smokin’ Aces was announced, I was excited to say the least. Then I saw a preview, and I was still pumped. Then I saw it on a more regular basis, and I got scared. I started seeing a colossal screw up. It started looking like it was more The Big Hit than Oceans 11. More Lucky Numbers than Get Shorty. So as the release date neared, I found myself excited to see a movie I was sure was going to be a disappointment. Usually I only feel that way before a poker tournament.

Turns out I was pleasantly surprised, and totally relieved. It isn’t the perfect movie by any means, and as much as Joe Carnahan tries, he can’t make Pulp Fiction. In a movie full of over the top characters, Piven actually underplayed the coke head snitch. Look for the scene between Common and Piven. This isn’t Ari, but a guy I can see one day getting an Oscar nomination.

The biggest surprise for me was Ryan Reynolds. That’s right, Van Wilder. The guy has made a career of basically playing an R-rated Zach Morris, and just as Mark-Paul Gosselaar shocked me when he showed he could actually act on “NYPD Blue,” Reynolds held his own opposite of Ray Liotta. It’s a fun little ride, and definitely worth checking out.

Dakota Porning?

So there is a controversy swirling around the new Dakota Fanning movie. You know Dakota, she’s the kid actress who has worked with better actors than Nicole Kidman and has resume that is more impressive than Drew Barrymore’s. Well it seems little Dakota, who is now all of 12 years old, is in a new indie movie “Hounddog” in which she plays a rape victim. And they actually filmed the scene. Putting people up in arms over how anyone could let this happen. Without seeing the movie and the scene, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this.

My gut tells me they could have told the story and left out the scene. Maybe what we need is to actually see the brutality of the crime. But there have been great movies that dealt with awful things such as the Holocaust, that didn’t have to show us men, women and children in the gas chambers and I don’t see how they could have been any more poignant. And even if the scene makes the movie, and goes beyond that to reach its audience and even cause some sort of change, is it right to film it? Is it child pornography? Is it unfair to Dakota, who is now telling the media that “it’s called acting.”

Really though, no 12 year old can handle this. Sure she understands how awful rape is, and she gets that it makes for a powerful scene. And of course she wants to do something shocking that garners attention, what 12 year old girl doesn’t want that? There’s just no way she can see how this could traumatize her down the road. I know Jodie Foster turned out okay after “Taxi Driver” and Dakota “saw” some horrible acts of violence in “Man On Fire” and “War of the Worlds”, so maybe she’ll turn out just fine and this won’t affect her. Or maybe she, and other child actors, shouldn’t be in subject to most of the violence in their movies.

Let’s assume she’s fine, that it doesn’t screw her up and we never see her on “E! True Hollywood” stories talking about how she turned to doing coke off of the DVD box to “Hounddog” and taking late night calls from Charlie Sheen. Okay, that doesn’t happen. She goes on to have a career like Jodie Foster, and she wins more Oscars than Meryl Streep. Now if that’s how her life turns out, great, but what about the impact the scene has on others? Is it worth it if some guy rents the movie after stopping off at the drug store to stock up on Kleenex and baby oil. Then takes it one step further and starts watching the playgrounds before he snatches a kid up and acts it out? No of course it wouldn’t be the films fault; people are responsible for their own actions. And that sick fuck was probably going to do something eventually anyway. But then he gets arrested and ends up being interviewed by Matt Lauer Jr, and he blames the movie. This then leads to a screenplay about the crime, which of course includes a reenactment of both the scene in the movie and his actual crimes. Then what? Or maybe I’m just getting ahead of myself.

I know this, watching that scene is going to fuck up someone. Maybe the actors involved will come out unscathed, but I guarantee some ones uncle or parent, brother or sister is going to need some serious therapy. If one of my nieces or nephews was acting, and they were part of this scene, I would go absolutely nuts. Oh, and the reviews of the movie are pretty horrible and no one seems to want to pick up distribution.


On a lighter note, here are two new additions to the list of things that bother me:

Very cold toilet seats
Oddly warm toilet seats

Soda Jerk

Right off the bat, let’s get one thing straight. It is soda, it isn’t pop. Pop describes a sound, or an action. It can also be another name for “dad.” It is not a carbonated beverage. Don’t tell me this is just a regional name for it, I don’t buy into that. It is just flat out incorrect. If any of the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election includes this into their message they’ll get my vote. Even if it that candidate were Jeb Bush. Okay, that might not be true. I happen to believe that if we can all come to agree on this issue, we can accomplish anything. It separates the country as much as political affiliation.

I know it’s a losing argument on par with abortion, the war, gun control, and what comes first the chicken or the egg. But these are the type of issues I tackle. Today though, I’m not here to set the world straight. No, today I’m here to talk about something that totally baffles me. I just can’t understand why the taste of soda is so determinate on the medium is served, this baffles almost as much as women.

You can have one drink and it will taste totally different from a 2 liter plastic bottle, a can, a soda fountain (notice it’s not called a pop fountain) or a 1 liter bottle from a vending machine. And there is always a clear cut best. Take Coke for example. Recent studies show that 9/10 people prefer it from a fountain, and the majority feel McDonalds has the right mix. Okay, probably making up these numbers, but you know you don’t doubt them for a second. Now Coke from the 2 liter is also pretty solid, but it’s a completely different flavor from a can. And no drink tastes good in the bottle from the vending machine.

• Mountain Dew is best from the can, sickening from a 2 liter and battery acid from a fountain.
• Sprite excels from the 2 liter, solid from the fountain, and drinkable from a can. Really, it’s the most consistent soda.
• Diet drinks, well I can’t stand them. They taste nothing like their calorie-enhanced counterparts no matter what the companies claim. Those that drink diet seem to have some fanatical attachment to it. This isn’t healthy, even if the nutritional value says otherwise.

I just don’t understand why this happens. I watch the Discovery Channel on occasion, how come they haven’t looked into this? What about Myth Busters, can’t they figure out a way to make all soda taste the same? This is a week after Martin Luther King Day, and I don’t mean to belittle his dream, but I have a dream of my own. I have a dream, that one day all soda will be created equally.

*******************

Now, a totally separate thought. This weekend I was talking to a friend of mine who was going through some tough times, and in the conversation I used “well on the bright side…” and she made an interesting point. Whenever something has a “bright side” it usually isn’t all that good. So we talked and decided that phrase needs to be changed. Bright side just isn’t accurate. It’s more of a dimly lit side.

I know, I've been bad. I'll try to post something later today.

Nani Babaco Malia

It’s a sad day in Hirpvile, for a friend is leaving. Everyone has seen friends move away, and it’s always the same. You promise to keep in touch. There’s talk about getting together, you’ll visit them, they’ll visit you or you’ll meet up somewhere cool. And you mean it. But often life gets in the way and you don’t meet up. And the emails become less frequent, and phone calls non-existent. It’s just a sad fact of life. No one means for it to happen.

Today one of my best friends moved away. And here’s the catch, he was already living in Washington DC. So how much farther away could he go? Well, how does Kenya sound? Yes, that is far. He came to the US 10 years ago, and we met while working together at Lenscrappers 7 years ago. It didn’t take long before we had our crew. It was four Jews and a Kenyan. There was even an Easter spent at Worlds of Fun by two of the Jews and the Kenyan.

Typically people love to hear a baby laugh, but I never met a person who didn’t love this guys laugh. And sure that sounds some what gay, but so what. From the surface, it probably didn’t make sense that we became such good friends. Talk about different backgrounds. I grew up in the ‘burbs of Long Island, Connecticut and Kansas. Yet we have a lot in common. Similar sick senses of humor, we had a similar appreciation for movies. More than that, we had identical values; loyalty to friends and family, and standing up for principles.

So it’s sad that he’s going. And it wasn’t under the best of circumstances that he’s going home, so the whole situation sucks that much more. I’ve never known anyone whose been through as much and yet never made an excuse or backed down when he had every reason to. If we happen to win the World Series of Pop Culture, I fully intend on making a trip to Kenya. If we don’t, I’m still going to try and get out there some day. I just hope they have a McDonalds.

Hollow of Fame

This week Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn were rightfully voted in to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Both guys had great careers, each only playing for one team and always class acts. But their election into the Hall has been overshadowed by the exclusion of Mark McGwire, who was kept out because of steroid allegations and one horrible appearance in front of Congress. Now, I may be wrong, but I only thought he should have spent time preparing for plate appearances, not court appearances.

Did he use steroids? It’s quite possible. But as of now, there are only allegations. And I’m pretty sure our country claims that you are innocent until proven otherwise. I know that was meant for the courts, and not the court of public opinion. Baseball writers and fans claim they are just interested in protecting the integrity of the game. I call bullshit. Other players, who have actually failed tests and been suspended for steroid use, aren’t raked over coals like Big Mac, or Barry Bonds or Sammy Sosa. No, they save their lashings for only those that hit home runs. Because baseball has always been tied so closely to its records. 755, 61, 56, .400, 511 all mean something to baseball fans.

And it’s not that I think these guys are innocent. I know that steroid use has been rampant in baseball. But, I don’t believe it started in 1998 when Mac and Sosa went after the single season home run record. And I don’t, not for a second, believe it’s a problem special to baseball. But the writers and fans don’t seem to care about other sports. Barry Bonds hits 73 home runs, and a year later his name is mentioned in the BALCO case. Then everyone comments how obvious it is that he was on something. That he got so huge. Same with McGwire, after Jose Canseco outs him in his book, it’s suddenly obvious because he was so big.

But only in baseball, does being strong mean you’re on steroids. No one seems to mind the difference in how LaDainian Tomilson is built totally different then the running backs from the 80s. Look at how he’s built compared to Marcus Allen. No one bats an eye at how big and strong LeBron James was coming out of high school compared to Michael Jordan when he came out of college. How about the fact that Allen Iverson has so much more muscle than Isiah Thomas? Or how Greg Oden, as a freshman at Ohio State, is already stronger then David Robinson or Patrick Ewing ever got. These young guys got that way from working out. Riiiiight. They couldn’t possibly be on anything, we all know how tough the high schools test for steroids. And that high school kids would never, ever, look for a way to get ahead or put something illegal in their bodies.

And how about the stats? Three times in the last four years, the single season rushing touchdown mark has been broken. When Michael Jordan was scoring 30 a night in the late 80s and early 90s, he was almost always the only guy in the league to average over 30 points a game. Last season three guys accomplished that, and another averaged 29.3. But no one bats an eye.

Only when you hit a small round ball over a fence a certain amount of times, do people begin to worry about the integrity of the game. Now writers want to play the role of morality cop, and tell us that Mark McGwire cheated us. They write that his accomplishments are tainted. But they didn’t mind using it to sell papers then, or now. And they still turn a blind eye to plenty of other cheaters. Yet they still have the nerve to lecture us about right and wrong.

The Next Big Star

When it comes to movies, the line between creativity and commercialism has always been blurred. And in recent years the line has been pretty much erased. Or as Joey would say, “the line is a dot to you.” There are the slick scenes in which a product is placed (cleverly called product placement) such as a cell phone and attention brought to the brand name, all the way to movies being used to reveal new cars. The majority of movies are now made successful or flop, based mostly on the marketing before it even hits the theatre. Studios can intentionally make horrible movies, market them as complete jokes and make a fortune as they did with “Snakes on a Plane.”

Well, I have the idea of the future. I have thought of the perfect blend between a commercial and a movie. It would both entertain the hell out of, well at least me, there would be a video game to follow, perhaps a theme park, toys and it could easily be a franchise. All this comes from one of my favorite commercial characters. Who doesn’t love the Gecco from the Geico ads?

I swear that little green fella would kill at the box office. Now, I see him sort of as an Austin Powers type hero, but you could go so many different ways with it. There was a time that the “spoof” was usually a riot. “Airplane,” “Naked Gun,” “Hot Shots,” even the first “Scary Movie” were all hysterical. And they’ve given way to crap like “Epic Movie” and everything else the Wayans Brothers put out. But with the Gecco, you can take your favorite movie, and just insert your new leading man in place of the likes of Mel Gibson or Tom Hanks. It would be just that easy to make “Cast Away” the funniest movie of the year.

Normally watching an hour and a half long commercial would lead me to gouging out my own eyes and lighting myself on fire, but I’d watch that Gecco if he were doing the play-by-play for C-SPAN. Maybe he shouldn’t have his own movie; he could just as well be the next sitcom star. I’m telling you it would work.



>..>

Super Size This

“Haven’t you seen Super Size Me?” is quickly becoming my least favorite some what regularly heard question. Two years ago, when it first came out, it was somewhat common to have people ask me that question when they saw how often I ate at McDonalds. I didn’t run out and see it then, and I still haven’t seen it in its entirety. And now it’s making the rounds on television, and luckily for me people are actually watching it.

Now it’s probably only happened like three, maybe four times in the past couple of weeks, but it feels like a daily occurrence that I’ve been asked that very question when I was on my way to lunch. And last night “Super Size Me” was on one of my many movie channels, so I thought I’d try and watch it. I really tried, but I couldn’t get through it. The aroma of bullshit was about as over powering as McDonalds fries.

First, I dare that guy to over eat food from any one restaurant over a 30 day period, and see how he feels. Seriously, over doing anything is going to be un-healthy for you. Secondly, as far as my McDonalds habit well, I don’t super size my meals. In fact I only eat one double cheese burger and a medium fry. He gained like 5 pounds in one week of his diet, I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last 13 years. I’m not claiming that eating McDonalds on an almost daily basis has lead me to becoming a picture of perfect health, but I’ve done more than 30 days of research.

Thirdly, and I’m not sure how many points I’m going to make just yet, most of those people who have asked the question of late need to just shut it. Out of the four I remember, three have SUVs. They’ve also seen “An Inconvenient Truth” and continue to drive around in their gas guzzling pieces of shit. So you mean to tell me, a movie about one idiots eating habits over a 30 day period should change my life, but a movie that shows the effects your automobile has on the entire world isn’t worth a selling your car? Bite me.

New Years Eve

I’ve never really been a huge fan of New Years Even, in fact I’ve never really been a big fan of any holiday that just gives people an excuse to go get shit faced. Really, if you want to go get drunk with some friends then just do it. I don’t think you should have to wait for the calendar to tell you when. Plus the whole fact that bars just get ridiculously crowded, just kind of takes away the fun. Normally I spend New Years Eve just hanging out at a friends house. This year was a bit different as I went out with a pretty large group. We did it right too. To avoid the whole threat of either getting a DUI or ending up dead we decided to get a limo for the night. With 14 people, it’s actually cheaper then getting 14 cabs. And hey, you can start drinking right away and that’s a plus.

So we hit some bars downtown, starting with the Cashew. I had never been there before, and it was pretty much perfect. Good size crowd, but not so crowded that you couldn’t move or get near the bar. And yep, plenty of eye candy which is a necessity. From there we went to the Cigar Box, and my buddy tried to get me to smoke a cigar. But really, I’ve made it 30 years without smoking anything, why would I want to start now?

But this was the highlight of the night. See, some of these friends of mine happen to be pranksters. The women like to wear horrible wigs and go out and just mess with people on occasion. And this night, we were situated near the front door, when they realized there was no one checking ID’s of customers coming in. So of course they decided they would provide this service. And it didn’t matter who was coming in, could be a guy with a cane and more wrinkles than Bea Arthur, they were checking that ID. So I made the suggestion of charging a cover, totally kidding of course. Well, we made $20 before deciding that probably wasn’t a good idea. Mainly because I figured it put my good health on the line. No one was gonna get too upset with two cute drunk blondes, but one short bald guy making money off random drunks could easily find himself in trouble. Still, I’m kinda kicking myself because I know we could have paid for the whole night if we kept it up.

So that was my New Years Eve. No resolutions that I won’t keep or stories that involve me streaking down 48th. The one thing that baffles me is how the hell is it already 2007? Are the years going by faster simply because I’m older, or is this also the work of global warming? Someone needs to fund a research team to look into this. Otherwise, why are we paying taxes?

Motive

A friend of mine has an interesting little anecdote posted on her Myspace page. The Cliffs notes version of it goes something like this: someone walking on the beach is tossing Starfish back into the ocean when their friend comments about how they’ll never make a difference in the grand scheme of things, to which the good citizen replies “made a difference to that one.”

Really, it’s a nice sentiment and it’s true. You don’t have to change the world to make a difference. Then last week I was watching something on CNN, I think the special was called “What’s a Christian” or something to that affect. And I made a connection between the Starfish tosser and the Christians. Not really a direct connection, but part of the CNN story talked about the movement among Christian Fundamentalists to help Israel. As usual, I was probably reaching a bit when this occurred to me, but you’ll read it anyway.

My thinking was this: if you toss the Starfish and it lands near a big bad shark that eats it up, was it still a good deed? Much like I thought about the Fundamentalists motive behind helping Israel, as they feel in order for Jesus to return that Israel must remain a Jewish state. Personally, I see those motives as purely self-serving. So between the Starfish and the Christian Right, I began to wonder, how much does motive matter?

If you’re trying to do something for the simple reason that it betters someone elses situation, be it a Starfish or random person, and your deed results in hurting them, well does that lessen the deed? And if you’re doing something solely because it benefits your own cause, and it just so happens to help someone else obtain what they want, is that an act of kindness or a selfish act?

My stance is this, motive matters. It isn’t everything, but it carries more weight than the actual outcome. If someone loans me money for something specific and I go and lose it at the casino, well that’s on me, and me only. They did what they could to help, and couldn’t control anything after that. Now if someone helps me to find a new job, and leads me to believe they are doing it as a favor, when in reality they are doing it so they can fill my current position with a friend. Well that’s just some shady shit. Sure, I might be better off with the new position, and it might be what I want. But what I want just as much is for people to be up front with me.

Not for one second do I view the actions of Pat Robertson and his cronies as friendly. Nor do I find it respectable. If they flat out said, “we’re doing this for the simple fact that it benefits us according to our beliefs,” well I could respect that. Then have the opportunity to decide whether to accept, or decline their “helping” hand.

Motive is what separates the guy who preys on vulnerable women and the good guys who might just end up dating one. Motive is the difference between Snakes on a Plane and Oceans 12.

Best of..

It's here, the official Top 10 list for 2006. Well, sorta. There are a few movies I still need to see, and that could re-shape the list a bit.

I should have another post or two later in the day, I'm still dragging a bit from New Years Eve. Without further adu:

Top 10 Movies of 2006

10. Clerks II
9. Friends With Money
8. Casino Royale
7. Stranger Than Fiction
6. Little Miss Sunshine
5. Borat
4. Thank You For Smoking
3. World Trade Center
2. United 93
1. The Departed

Movies I didn’t see that I think may end up on the list:
The Last King of Scotland, Babel, Children of Men, The Prestige, Pirates of the Caribbean, Blood Diamond, Bobby, and The Pursuit of Happyness

All in all, I’d say it was a decent year in movies. Best year since 2000, when Gladiator, Traffic, Erin Brokovich, Requiem for a Dream, You Can Count On Me, The Contender, Almost Famous, Meet the Parents, Wonder Boys, and Cast Away filled up my top 10 list (not in this order)

Back from the Dead

I’ve been a bad blogger of late, I apologize. Although I like to tell my boss that I never get sick, I was reminded that isn’t entirely true. Well, that really isn’t true at all because, on occasion I do get sick. And for nearly a week, I was pretty sure I was dieing, or wanting to. I don’t do sick real well. I’ve decided I could never have some fatal disease because just being that sick would kill me, long before the disease actually won out.

So it’s been a pretty slow day at the office, and I’ve found time to view a couple of movie trailers. The first was for Smokin’ Aces, a Jeremy Piven lead cast that includes: Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman, Peter Berg, Andy Garcia, Alicia Keys, Ray Liotta and Ryan Reynolds. Looks like a mix between Gross Pointe Blank and Oceans 11. http://imdb.com/title/tt0475394/trailers-screenplay-E30575-10-2

The second trailer also felt a bit like Oceans 11. Probably because it was for Oceans 13, I’m sure that had something to do with it. And I loved 11, and like most I was pretty let down by Oceans 12. The good news is, so was Clooney and the gang, and that’s what led them to deciding to make 13. This time they’ve added Al Pacino to the cast, and done away with dead weights Catherine Zeta-Jones and Julia Roberts.
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1796496

If I were at home, I could get on YouTube.com and put the trailers right in the blog, but you’ll survive.

Pizza My Mind

It isn’t “like” a slice of heaven; no it literally is a slice of heaven. And I don’t even believe in heaven. Eight slices of heaven to be exact. Some friends of mine, one of which I’ve known since before I could walk, were just back in New York and were nice enough to bring me back some pizza from Anthony’s. Just so happens, Anthony’s in Huntington is the best pizza on the planet. There is a lot of great pizza in New York, and I haven’t tasted most if it, but there is simply no way you can improve on perfection. See Jessica Alba’s ass? There’s just no way it can be any better. It could be in my apartment, which would make the location better, but that wouldn’t actually improve the ass in question.

Just about anytime these friends go back east, or his parents come out to visit, I end up not only with some pie but some childhood memories. And I totally love those little time portals. It could be a song that suddenly snaps you back to a particular time in your life, or the smell of mom cooking your favorite meal and you get slapped upside your head with deja vu. You get slapped upside your head with deja vu. Sorry, really thought that preview for the Denzel Washington movie was clever, even if the movie didn’t appear to be at all interesting.

Simon and Garfunkle, Neil Diamond and Olivia Newton-John aren’t likely to be found on my iPod but hearing any of their songs will take me back to being 7 years old and I can smell the Windex on Sunday Morning as mom cleans the house with to the aforementioned artists records play. That’s right, I said records. Couldn’t get rowdy around the record player or they’d skip, which could result in a scratch and that brings out un-happy dad. He wasn’t that much fun, well till I got a little older and now he’s pure entertainment.

There’s something funny about childhood memories, the ones that stay with us the longer aren’t usually the ones you’d expect. At least for me anyway, it’s more often the memory of something as boring as the road trips from New York to Cleveland. At the time I dreaded spending 8 hours in an ’83 Honda Accord with my brother, sister and parents. Logistically I can’t even see how we were ever comfortable, but I don’t remember at all being cramped.

So I know that there is maybe a snowballs chance in hell that there could be pizza that could actually taste better than Anthony’s, but as sure as I am that I’m sitting here avoiding work, I know that no pizza will ever come close. You think that statement made no sense, but I promise it makes perfect sense. Now, if I just wish that I could leave work and go home to organize my baseball cards while eating a slice as I listen to Mr. Neil Diamond, then all would be right with the world again.

WWHD

Everyone loves to daydream about what they would do if they won the lottery. Every time I drive by a Powerball billboard, I start mapping out how I’d live the high life. Oh, trust me; I have a great plan in place. They say money doesn’t buy happiness, let me win the lottery. I’ll prove ‘em wrong. Or it’ll be one extravagant depression. It might help if I would actually purchase a ticket. I’m not a statistician, but I’m pretty sure that would greatly improve my odds. Instead, some friends and I (one of whom actually is a statistician) have decided we would put our brains together and we applied to audition for the World Series of Pop Culture.

Well, we were accepted and we’re going to Austin in February to audition. This is where the day dreaming about a big pay day comes into play. The grand prize is $250,000, a might handsome prize I might add. And so I’ve begun to daydream about “what if.” I’ve learned $250,000 is a great big number, but split three ways after taxes it isn’t nearly as much as you think. We’re talking about $60,000 or so each. And don’t get me wrong, I can always use an extra 60 grand, but it isn’t an amount that you can go crazy with.

In fact it’s the perfect amount to be a huge help. It could be a nice down payment on an impressive but not lavish condo, some investments and enough to erase my debts leaving me with roughly $15,000 to really enjoy. You can have a lot of fun with $15,000; you just have to be real careful about it. One trip to Vegas could easily wipe you out. It’s not going to buy you a fancy sports car, and it’s not like you could just take a month off work to travel.

So, imagine you had no real debt any more, and you’re handed 15k, how do you spend it? If you have kids, it probably all goes to their college funds. If you don’t have kids, you might go party and get drunk enough that you’ll have some little ones in oh, about nine months. And then you’re right back where you started, up to your ears in debt daydreaming about a big payday.

Hirpasm

Okay, maybe I’m just getting old and losing my mind, but this made no sense to me. Yesterday on my lunch break I went to get a new social security card. Seems I lost mine, and since my driver’s license expired (some thing to do with a birthday) I need the card to get a new license. I head over there, take my number and wait. Finally my number gets called, and I approach the ever so cheerful clerk. Hand over my paperwork and it turns out, they can’t give me a new card just yet. Seems that my driver’s license is expired, and that’s a problem.

Oh, it gets better. They can, and did, give me a piece of paper that I can use to go get my driver’s license, and after that I can come back and get a new social security card. Now, someone please explain to me how this makes any sense at all. For starters, I thought an expired driver’s license just meant I couldn’t drive. I had no idea it meant my identity expired. Did I suddenly stop being me? I haven’t felt any different. How does anything get done in Washington?

********************

People die, its part of life and usually comes at the end, the very very end. It’s sad, it sucks and it’s never fun to hear about. Last night I was watching the news as they talked about some guys who were climbing a mountain and they are now missing, with the big fear being they are either already dead or soon will be. Now, that sucks. It does, mainly for their friends and family. But should this really be big news? They were climbing a friggin’ mountain, one of the risks that goes along with doing so, is you may not come back down.

Steve Irwin swims with a Sting Ray and he gets stuck and died, big sob story. These guys go up a mountain and might not come down, and it’s big news. My point is, they knew the risks so it’s not a tragedy. If anything it just kind of proves they aren’t all that bright. Say you have a kid, and he’s 14. You’ve told your kid not to touch the stove because it’s hot, the kid understands the concept of getting burned and on their own they decide they don’t want to get burned. Now, they decide what the hell, put their hand right on the stove, I feel bad when they’re in pain, but give me a break. This isn’t a toddler, who had to learn a lesson the hard way; he’s old enough to know what happens when you play with fire.

Irwin got burned, and now it looks like these other guys might have been burned too. I’m sorry for their families, and it sucks that their dead. But it was their choice and I highly doubt they wanted the world to hear about how they made a bad decision. Put something that’s actually relevant on the news, like Britney went out this week and she even wore panties.

Hirp and the Hick

Damn you Kramer, damn you to WB Hell. Everyone got so focused, and rightfully so, on his meltdown, we missed the long awaited comeback of poster child for Foot in Mouth disease. But thanks to a column on ESPN.com by the Jeff Pearlman, the man who conducted the now infamous interview for SI, we have found Rocker again. And wouldn’t ya know it, he’s still a complete fucking moron.

Last we saw of him was a comeback attempt in the independent leagues that had him pitching out on Long Island. While there he found the strike zone about as often Ray Charles finds the light switch, or Dubya finds WMDs. So, he never made it back and some how found himself at a keyboard working on a book. Should be a real gem. And he took the time to sit down in New York City, along with his gorgeous black girlfriend, and be interviewed by deadspin.com (http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/our-interview-with-john-rocker-221509.php )

Take a minute to read that and come back.

Okay, done? I’m trusting that you read it. And you probably need a moment to regain your composure. You may have laughed your ass off, or you may have punched a wall. Either response is completely understandable.

Now it’s time to nit-pick every thing the moron said. Let the games being:

When you guys walk down the street, and people see that you're John Rocker, do they say anything?

I don't ever make eye contact with people on the street. I've become like a New Yorker in that way. People want to say, "Hey, has John Rocker changed, has he turned over a new leaf?" I haven't changed at all. I don't understand why it's so hard for journalists to admit that I haven't changed; they were just wrong.

Okay, for starters John, you are like a New Yorker in one way. You’re loud, and you annoy pretty much anyone who isn’t like you. That’s it. Secondly, how do you start by saying you’ve “become” like something, then in the next sentence say you haven’t changed at all? Do you practice at contradicting yourself, or is just a natural skill?

Just to ask for the millionth time: Do you regret the interview? You didn't really pitch much after that.
If it would have been portrayed in the correct version, no. The way the sucker punch was done, yeah, it was horseshit. Every dark cloud has a sun behind it, though; there's a lot of things I can do now that I wouldn't have been able to do had it not been for that article. It's opened a lot of doors. I know a lot of players who had a lot better careers than me, but when they retired, you never see or hear from them again. For some reason, people still have interest in me. Without that article, I wouldn't be writing a book. When you go into a restaurant and the maitre'd says, "Come on in, sit down," that's when you don't mind it. When you're at Bungalow 8, and the bouncer won't let you in because he's Dominican, well, that's when it's not so good.
That really happened?
Yeah, even though two or three of my best friends are Dominican or Puerto Rican. And her, of course. (points to Alicia)

So you aren’t sure if there is two or three of your “best friends” and you aren’t sure if they are Dominican or Puerto Rican. Wow, what a friend. I know, you probably don’t know cause you obviously don’t care. But you should probably know these close friends well enough to know that Dominicans don’t like being called Puerto Ricans and vice versa.

How far along with the book are you?

I've got about 70 pages written. I've put it on hold for a bit until I find a publisher. When the deal is done, I'll finish it up over the course of the next couple of months. That's the thing, though: When people have an agenda, that's all that matters. Jeff Pearlman is who he is: A liberal Jew from New York. He's one of their own, who spent a couple of hours with me, pulled things out of context, and you're trying to create a persona of an individual when you don't know them. You look at Michael Irvin, and Michael's a friend of mine –

I don’t even know where to start here. I’m giddy. In the previous quote he goes on saying how the perception of people from the South is they are all racist hicks. Now he’s saying that Pearlman is a liberal Jew from New York. So it’s inaccurate to say all Southerns like himself are racist hicks, but totally acceptable to say all New York Jews are liberal? Gotcha. And for the record, New Yorkers are just smarter than Southerners, as are Jews. So when you have a Jewish New Yorker, well you have the foundation for the master race. Of course they’re gonna be liberal.

Now, he also claims to be buddies with Michael Irvin, and although I didn’t print it here, he goes on to out Irvins continued drug use. Man, he is a good guy, we were all wrong about him. He doesn’t know what race his friends are, and he publicly talks about their drug use. I wanna hang out with John!

At the end he rips on the man who traded him, Braves GM John Schuerholz. The only thing he ever did wrong was drafting Rocker. And to say Scherholz has the worst case of “Little Man Syndrome” well John, it’s time we met. Is “stupid hick” as redundant as “liberal New York Jew”? Ladies and Gentlemen, author John Rocker, he puts the moron in oxymoron.

Justifiable HIRPocide

Believe it or not I have some new things to add to the ever growing list of things that annoy Hirp. Recently I was at a McDonalds, big surprise I know, and the place wasn’t very busy. I’m in line paying, and the lady behind me is practically up my ass she’s standing so close. Seriously, I never liked the phrase “personal space,” I always thought it sounded whiney and was something only said by therapists. But there’s no other way to say it. This bitch was in my space. I can understand being crammed in a busy place, such as an airport, a mall on the weekends, blackjack tables, and standing at the bar. But if I can’t turn without my elbow hitting you, you are too close. And I think I have every right to extend my elbow and turn so that my elbow cracks the offenders’ nose. Unfortunately I’m a short, so my elbow won’t line up with most noses.

Also I made a recent run through the McDonalds drive-thru, (so I might be spending too much time at McDonalds) and the idiots that crowd you at the counter have cousins who annoy me outside the restaurant. These are the brilliant people who never pull up far enough. They leave a good 8-10 feet between their car and the car ahead of them. So I have my window down, ready to order but I’m 8 feet away from the speaker when they ask for my order. I won’t even bother attempting to place my order, they have enough trouble hearing me and getting the order right when I’m right in front of the speaker. So now the pimple faced kid with the metal mouth thinks I’m just taking my sweet ass time, and he’s probably getting annoyed that he can’t be at home looking at the new pictures of a panty-less Britney. And he’s going to touch my food? I don’t even want to guess at what he does to my burger, all because this nimrod ahead of me won’t move his rusty Delta 88 up 8 feet. I guarantee this is the same piece of work that is never ready to pay at the grocery store.

These are just some of the reasons that helped me to decide that if I ever run for office, I’m changing what is covered by “justifiable homicide” I could be a little bit jaded, but I’m starting to think some people just need to be killed. And I don’t mean to sound like Klebold or the Unabomber. I don’t have some agenda nor do I feel this way because I wear a black trench coat. It just makes good sense at this time. For a long time I thought the best job I could have, would be to decide who can and can’t have children. I guess this means George Bush has influenced me, and that’s pretty sad to admit. Not that the getting them before they get us mind set has worked for him. Really though, there are too many stupid people on this planet. And most of them seem to land in positions of power, or at MU.

This week I’m house sitting for a friend, and there’s something about one of the restrooms that bothers me. When sitting on a toilet, doing your business, you should never have a mirror in front of you. Knowing what veins pop out on my head just isn’t any kind of info I ever needed, or wanted to have. Now I don’t believe the architect should die for this, but someone should leave the plunger in the toilet and let him see what kind of expression he makes when he sits down.

Man Up Ladies?!

Recently I was catching up with an old friend. And this friend had recently been at a Laker game where he sat near Lindsay Lohan. So our conversation found its way to analyzing these women of today. The Britneys, the Simpson girls and Paris, and the current generation of women in general. Not that any of the mentioned women are really a fair barometer for all women, but they aren’t completely off the chart either.

In Simpson you have the girl from the south, raised in the Church and a woman who shamelessly made her private life very public. Lohan is the girl from New York who says she just wants the media to let her live her life, but doesn’t do anything to help her cause. She chain smokes and parties. Her fathers’ trips to rehab and jail are as covered as Robert Downey Jr’s trips were a few years ago. And both women are moguls in their own right. In some respects, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, they are role models to young girls. If only for their professional, well for lack of a better word, accomplishments.

But that isn’t my point. What I see in these two, is behavior we see in the females of that generation. Hold on, it’s taking me a minute to accept that we’re actually of different generations. Okay, I’ve regained most of my composure so that I can solider on. We’re back on track now. I haven't been able to narrow it down to a specific date or event, but at some point women became more manly then those of us with the equipment. And this is not a good thing.

I’m not some backwards thinking jackass who thinks a womans place is in the kitchen and raising children. I think they can do anything they want, and they should. I also happen to think they are better than men. Like how I think KU hoops is better than MU hoops, I hold each to different standards. This may or may not be fair, but it’s honest. And the women of today are far from meeting these standards. They do amazing things. They raise families, have careers, and most of them would change their own oil before I would.

But at what price? I’ve been around way too many women who were awfully comfortable with their bodily functions. This started when I was in high school, but it was still some what rare. Now, it’s common for them to belch and laugh proudly at their gas. Sorry, this isn’t even a little bit cute. It’s not even cute when my nieces or nephews do it, it’s sure as hell not attractive when my buddies do it. I joke that I don’t believe women have gas and that they don’t fart or even poop. I know they do, I just like to think they don’t. Those are gross things for men to do for the single purpose of upsetting women. It doesn’t make a girl “one of the guys” if she can burp louder than a truck driver.

Just like it doesn’t make a woman any more attractive if she brags about her conquests. I’m glad you enjoyed “Sex in the City” and maybe it was a look behind the veil at women’s lives. But, let’s leave it at a peek.

So I asked my friend why he thought women had started to act like this, or at least do so openly. He believes he has to do with porn, and how accessible it has become in recent years. I can’t say I agree with him, not even a little bit. For starters, I don’t think there’s a chance in hell it’s that simple. At the same time he made the point that men today don’t have any kind of Rat Pack to look up to. No longer is there Leo and his “pussy posse”. In fact the guys in Hollywood, who are still getting press for who they bed, are the older guys like Clooney and Farrell. And the only men who suddenly became Saints are Reggie Bush and Drew Brees.

So what happened? Well, my opinion may very well make me sound like I’m a devout Republican. The single biggest cause behind the “Maning Up” of women is the single parent homes. Seriously. This is coming from a liberal Jew, not the Christian Coalition.

This isn’t at all meant as a dig on single moms who make up the majority of single parent homes; on the contrary it’s more of a dig on men. Kids are being raised by women, which has always been true, but now mom is playing both roles. Boys and girls are seeing their mothers bust their asses to move up the corporate ladder, come home and put on two hats. The result, in my opinion, is a mom who doesn’t feel she has to be feminine as much as their married counter part. So maybe they burp without worrying about will it gross out their spouse. Also, they end up dating, as they should. But seeing mom go out on a few dates, is obviously going to have some impact on the rug rats.

I can’t stand the thought of my parents having sex, to this day I still like to believe a stork dropped me off at the front door. But if kids grow up with their parents dating, well sex is part of dating so they’re going to get exposed to it in a much different way. And being raised by women hasn’t just changed the behavior of women. Look at the whole “metro-sexual” phenomenon. It’s to be expected when a boy grows up with mostly women role models. So the real cause behind this is men who aren’t holding up their end of the bargain. Not to say all kids who grow up with divorced parents are without two good parents, I know that it’s not true. And I know some single parents who read this site, I’m not saying your daughters are going to grow up to be Lindsay Lohan or your sons are going to be David Beckham. But you can’t be surprised if you leave it up to mom to do everything, that the kids will be more like her. The good and the bad. The Spears and the Aniston.

SuppoHIRP The Troops

Here is something I received as a forward online this evening. Take a second to read it, below it is my reaction to this:


A United States Soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor
was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there,
silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. ...............So, He sent me."

Re-post this if you support the military men & women

Okay, done? You won’t believe this, but this pissed me off. And at the same time, it brought to light some of the very points I’ve tried to make both here and in conversations. Now, let’s assume this actually took place. It could have, I just doubt it. First of all, the fact that this soldier would assault, yes assault, the professor be-little our troops more than any “bring ‘em home rally”. Should we be more worried that our soldier is supposedly hearing what he thinks is God speaking to him, or that he feels it’s okay to go hit someone cause the voices in his head say to?

This is the type of bullshit the Religious right spreads that highlights just how ignorant they are. Assuming it really did take place, the soldier in the story had the typical Religious right reaction. He didn’t wait to get the point of the professors lesson, he just assumed God wanted him to react with violence. Now none of us, who read this, will know what the Professor was trying to teach. Maybe it was something called tolerance. The “hero” in this story knew three things: the Professors religious beliefs, his political stance and that he challenged God. Rather than listen to him, he attacked him. Then of course he had the reason of, “God sent me,” expunging himself of any responsibility of his actions. He sounds like he’s George W. Bush himself.

I might catch some flack for “attacking an American soldier” in my blog. But, let’s be clear on this. I didn’t attack anyone, “he” did. I have taken the time to give my opinion, and am giving anyone who sees it a chance to respond. In no way does my opinion mean I do not support our troops. On the contrary, I want them all to come home as soon and as safe as possible. I don’t understand how that stance became confused with not supporting them. What this is, is a perfect example of how mankind has fucked up God. People are able to do just about anything, and as long as they say God told them to, they are guaranteed to have some support. And by acting with violence first, we again miss what could have been a pretty valuable lesson.

My favorite part of this was the end, where it says, “re-post this if you support our military men and women.” I’m supposed to feel guilty if I disagree with this and chose not to share it? Well, I posted it. So try and tell me I don’t support the troops. Then pucker up and kiss my ..um, backwards slash.

I think it would be an interesting exercise, to act this situation out in a classroom. Let’s see how the other students react, and the local media. Seriously, this could be one of those hidden camera segments on 20/20 or one of those shows.

Word

Well, another week and another controversy coming out of Hollywood. That wasn’t even meant to be a pun, but last week it was who was coming out of the closet and this week it’s what should or shouldn’t be said. By now, we’ve all heard what Michael Richards, aka KKKramer said to some hecklers. And what he said is without a doubt, awful and hateful and there should be uproar about it. So leaders from the African-American community are rallying to try and ban the “N” word.

And really, I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think if rappers, writers and everyone decides they don’t want to use it anymore then they shouldn’t. Maybe it’s just the word “ban” that I’m unsure of, but I don’t think there’s been a time in history that a ban was truly successful. They might get some people to stop using it, but they’ll also get people who will rebel against being told not to say it. The best thing that will come from all this, will be open discussion about the word. Let’s start with seeing it, the word is, “nigger.” Yes, I wrote it. Stop the presses, I just said nigger. And I don’t say it in my everyday vocabulary.

In fact, when I listen to hip hop and the word is used in a song, I won’t say it. So why am I writing it now? I’ll tell you why. I’ve been reading some articles about this subject, and they all either say the “N” word or n*****, like we don’t know what that is. Last night I was watching 8 Mile on VH1, and there’s a scene where Eminem gives the finger. But thanks to technology, they edited it out. So instead of seeing a finger, we’ve all seen, we just see what looks like a crippled hand that is missing the top half of one finger. I say F that. The word in the center of all this is nigger, there are no asterisks in the spelling of it.

It’s an awful word, with a long hateful history. I will not object one bit, if I never hear it in a song or a movie ever again. And I’d be thrilled if I never heard it in conversation. I have black friends that use it when talking, and not just to other blacks. I’ve been told I have a pass to use it, I took it as a compliment, but I won’t use it. I realize that’s all I can decide. It isn’t right for me to say, and I know it isn’t right for any white man or woman to say. I understand the point of view that it’s degrading for blacks to use the word when addressing each other. It’s a completely logical opinion to have. But, what any people of any culture choose to call one another is up to them. I once saw an interview with Tupac where he explained the difference between the words nigger and nigga.

He explained it to mean: N.I.G.G.A. Never Iggnorant Getting Goals Accomplished. And that “niggers were the ones hanging by ropes, Niggas are the ones wearing gold ropes.” How can we really say it’s wrong to take a negative and turn it into a positive? Just because everyone can’t agree that it’s a positive? Is that really much different than when it became a symbol of status for Jewish-Americans to drive a Mercedes-Benz?

Chris Rock broke it down some years ago on a comedy special. He said something to the affect of “I black people, but I hate niggers.” And went on to describe the difference, which essentially was the same as the difference between what we consider white trash and everyone else. So it’s a complex issue, with lots of opinions. And just trying to ban it, doesn’t begin to actually deal with it.

I routinely hear women call each other bitches, and worse. I know it’s disrespectful if I say it, and if I do that I’m taking my life in my hands. I have used “kyke” when talking to other Jews I’m friends with, and in some weird way it really is a term of endearment. But if someone else says it, well we aren’t going to be friends. I know I’m wrong for how I use words like “gay” and “fag.” I don’t feel I’m homo-phobic and I probably shouldn’t use the words, but in all honesty I’ll probably continue to do so.

Society isn’t nice. Everyone says things they probably shouldn’t, and we all use words that would offend entire groups of people. I happen to enjoy race and religious based jokes, but not racist or hateful jokes. And there’s a thin line there. I happen to strongly believe we should acknowledge and embrace our differences. And the best way to do so is to make fun of those differences. This is why I think this is actually a good thing to be talking about. There shouldn’t just be a ban because it’s a bad word. There should be discussions about why it’s bad, who it offends. It’s a tough conversation to have. But trying to be all Politically Correct while discussing it, is the best way to end honest communication.

Here’s a quote from the rapper Chamillionaire about the subject. He says he’s we as if he is only speaking about African-Americans, but it’s really everyone.

“Its not just rappers its as African-Americans in general, we do a lot of things that are opposite of past history," Chamillionaire said. "We wear flashy jewelry and brag like it’s a trophy, when people in the present and past history would get killed for the diamonds. We promote violence and drugs but complain about violence and drugs. We don't vote but complain about who is in office. We throw the 'n-word' around like it’s a good thing, when in the past it was one of the most dreadful words. All this stuff has grown to become a part of the culture."

A Few Things

So this is funny, to me anyway. First, I need to give you a little background info. This blog, as you may have noticed, has a counter on the right side. Well, it’s more than just a counter. Yes, it counts the visits, but it does more than that. It keeps track of who (by IP address) how they found the page (Google and the keywords, a link from another page or whatever) as well as tells me what page someone left on and how long they read my blog. Pretty boring stuff, I know, but I still get a kick out of it. Plus, I may one day get some advertising on here and make a buck or two, so this is all useful information for me.

Now how on earth can this be funny? Well, last night I had a visitor. To the blog that is, and I just love how they found it. Someone Googled “lenscrafters” and the very colorful adjective “shitty” and that lead them to www.FromTheHirp.com. I’d like to meet this person. I’m pretty sure we could be fast friends. I just wonder what kind of experience they had recently, that they felt the need to look up other the good ol’ shitty Lenscrafters.

**************************

Some friends and I were talking about getting a team together to try out for VH1’s World Series of Pop Culture. Unfortunately, the teams consist of three players rather than four as we first though. So, I am trying to form my own team. Looking for fellow dorks with embarrassing knowledge of music, movies, television and whatever else they may ask.

The subjects I feel pretty confident in are: Gangster movies, hip hop, pop music since the 80’s, Friends, Seinfeld, Sopranos, Entourage, movies in general since the 80’s, and events. And if the judges can’t understand my answer, they can’t say I am wrong.

**************************

Here is a list of upcoming movies I’m looking forward to seeing this Holiday Season:
Bobby, Blood Diamond, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Good Shepherd, The Good German, and Smokin’ Aces.

From what I have read about these movies, I have pretty high expectations, but I’m sure there’ll be some surprises.

Bi-Polar Weather

We are so going to pay for this. It was like 70 degrees here yesterday, and is supposed to be that nice again today. This can’t go unpunished. The weather in Kansas City is bi-polar, today is great, but I already know it’s supposed to drop down to like 19 degrees on Thursday. Seriously, those who don’t live here can’t even imagine. Within 48 hours, we’ll go from wearing short sleeve shirts, to winter coats and hats. We’ll probably even see some snow.

On one hand, you hate to bitch about it. Should I really have a complaint when we get a couple days in the 70s in late November? I think I do. For starters, I’m good at complaining. If you didn’t think so, you wouldn’t be reading this blog. I have family in San Diego, its like 72 degrees year-round there. Am I jealous? You bet I am. That’s why days like yesterday are so unfair. Don’t show me how life could be. That isn’t helping me at all.

I might not like winter, but we should have it anyway. That way I can know when it’s over. And to give us such great weather over a long weekend, probably cut my productivity in half this Monday. And I probably wasn’t going to be all that productive anyway.


So, I’m 30 now. All growns up, and when you’re all growns up, you’re all growns up. I don’t feel wiser. My hip isn’t bothering me. I didn’t feel the desire to get to Dennys for the Early Bird Special. Nor was I offered any discounts at the movies. But I had a pretty damn good birthday. Every time I celebrated it. Really, I’ve never been someone who liked being the center of attention or made big deals about my birthdays. But from the Vegas trip, to going out with some friends last weekend a couple nights, to a Wednesday afternoon boat trip, and ending in a dinner at Italian Delight. It’s been quad-aces every step of the way. (quad-aces is a pretty damn good hand for those that don’t get the poker lingo) And hopefully I’ll be updating my blog on a more regular basis now

*I wrote this on 11/21 but didn’t get a chance to post it till 11/22.

So, today is it, the last day of my twenties. All along I had thought tomorrow was the day, then last night it hit me. My actual birth date this year doesn’t mean much, other than my driver’s license expires. It’s today. In high school (and for many others college) graduation was the big day, the day after just meant you were a graduate. I guess it also meant you were probably pretty hung over.

Tonight is the last night I can quote Dazed and Confused. Well, I can still use the line but now I have to change it to “college girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age.” Otherwise I’ll just be that creepy guy. And I don’t want to be him till I turn 40. If I want to see either Pacino or Deniro at their best, then tonight is the last night I can watch “Scarface” or “Goodfellas”. Once I hit 30, it’s “Frankie and Johnny and “Awakenings”. Tupac should probably be taken off the iPod so that Neil Diamond can take his place. ESPN gives way to CNN. GQ gets shelved in favor of Time. PTI won’t be a show, and 60 Minutes will no longer just be another way of saying one hour. Today, there isn’t enough sex and violence on television, tomorrow there’ll be too much. These aren’t all inherently bad trades. It’s hardly trading up but it isn’t like I’ll need a hearing aid or bi-focals just yet.

The most upsetting fact, by far, is I will no longer be the cool young uncle that the kids can relate to. Now, I might as well be mom or dad. I might not feel at all different, and my tastes might (and I’m pretty certain will) remain the same. But the kids will see one thing. And old fart. Little shits, what do they know? When I was their age, 30 sounded perfect. I thought it meant owning a house, starting your second marriage, and knowing it all. I didn’t realize then that I already knew it all.

The pluses are, the bars won’t be as noisy. Soccer moms might drive mini-vans, but they also stopped hanging those retarded beads from their rear-view mirror. Women, hopefully, HOPEFULLY, have figured out these three things: All guys are stupid. They aren’t going to end up with John Cusak. And I’m a lot better than their previous husband, I’m also grateful if they married rich the first time.

But it’s 6pm now, I’m waiting on a buddy to have some pizza before headed over to a poker game. And I can’t think of a better way to spend the last few hours of my 20’s. Okay, I can but this is a family site. And if I allow myself to be optimistic, for just a second, things look good right now. The teenage years sucked, and the second half of my 20’s was much better than the first half. The way things are trending, the next 10 years should be fantastic. I hope so. Cause life ends at 40.

Mythology

For years I’ve heard about this supposed “East Coast bias” that taints professional sports. Other than their jealous feelings of the East, there is zero credibility to this claim. Often I’ve heard that it’s obvious because of how often East Coast teams have their games televised. This is complete crap. That has to do with ratings first and foremost. Fact is that if a game in New York is on at 8pm eastern, more people will be able to watch that game as oppose to a game in St Louis that starts at 9pm eastern. It isn’t that the networks want to ignore a game in the Midwest; they just want as many viewers as possible. Plus those hicks in the Midwest have to get up early to tend to their farms, and the flower people out West, well they just don’t like sports anyway.

Then I’ve heard that the reason for this “bias” is because CNN, ESPN and Fox News are all located out East. That’s just ignorant. They happen to be located in cities of some importance; little things like Wall Street, the United Nations and our Capital are in these cities. Where should they be located to get the stories, Omaha?

Recently I heard something that made me realize, some people don’t even understand what the East Coast consists of. So, let’s clear that up. Take the original 13 colonies. Now, whoever ended up in the North is the East Coast. The states that ended up fighting as part of the South, are just that. The South, well they don’t consider themselves part of the East Coast, and cry about the “East Coast bias” as much as anyone. It’s really that simple. It isn’t just the states that are east of the Mississippi, that’s ridiculous. I heard someone say Indiana was part of the east, how that works I’ll never know.

The current AP Top 25 College Football poll has one actual east coast team in the top 10, Rutgers. Rutgers is also undefeated, yet they are behind USC, Arkansas, Norte Dame and Florida (a southern school, not an east coast school) who all have one loss. There is exactly one other team from the east coast in the top 25, and that is Boston College. BC is 8-2 and ranked 20th. Yet, Oklahoma, Cal, Georgia Tech, and Virginia Tech are ahead of them and have an identical 8-2 record. So when does this bias kick in and help them out?

The last AP Top 25 College Basketball poll had five teams from the east coast ranked. Those schools being Pittsburgh, Georgetown, Boston College, UConn, and Syracuse. Going back to 1999, those schools have 3 National Championships, four Final 4 appearances and six trips to the Elite 8 between them. So you can’t say they haven’t done anything to deserve high praise.

In baseball, going back to 1995 players from the East Coast have won a combined 4 MVP’s and Cy Young Awards. Guys named Alex Rodriguez, Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens. The numbers the three have compiled have nothing to do with media bias, and in fact they’ve produced even better numbers when playing elsewhere.

In the NBA, aside from Allen Iverson winning the MVP playing on the East Coast in 2001, you have to go al the way back to 1986 for the previous East Coast MVP winner. A guy named Larry Bird. The past two seasons, a friggin’ Canadian playing in Arizona has won the MVP. There must be a strong Canuck bias in the NBA eh?

There’s plenty to be envious of for the rest of the country. New York, Boston, Washington DC, and Philadelphia are cities rich in history, and sports history. The rest of the world thinks of those cities when they think of America and the American way. Just admit there’s jealousy, it won’t make the East Coast think less of you. That would mean you are already being thought of.

Walk The Line

The average adult can walk, really they can. They can put their left foot in front of their right foot. They get from point A to point B. And usually, they don’t fall down. This has very little to do with really walking though. I haven’t done any studies on this (yet), but I believe that only 40% of adults know HOW to walk. The action itself is learned when we’re kids, right around the time we get potty trained. Only when it comes to the potty, most adults develop their skills more than they develop their walking skills. They know it’s not polite to toot in public, and that you don’t have to fidget to hold it in.

But when it comes to walking, it seems pretty clear that once a child gets to the point that they no longer look like Bob Huggins walking the line at a check-point, well that’s when they stop learning. I just so happen to believe there’s a lot more to it. Really knowing how to walk has more to do with knowing how to drive. And we all know how few adults know how to properly drive. It’s like this. If you’re going to drive, or walk slow, stay to the left. It’s not hard to remember. Also, there should be no changing lanes without looking over your shoulder. It sounds so easy, but we see how few drivers can abide by these laws. It’s not often a big deal, and I haven’t seen any stories on the news yet about fatalities from hallway pile ups. No 20/20 specials on “Walking Rage” like they have run on “Road Rage.” But that’s because people are too chicken to cuss someone out who cuts them off in a mall, they prefer to hide in their two ton SUV and behind glass and steel. It isn’t because they aren’t pissed.

There should be public service announcements on television all month long, since that awful time of the year is upon us. The malls will be packed, and there will be millions of unreported walking accidents. Some will leave victims emotionally scared for life, and I suspect there will even be some physical injuries. Have you seen the staircases at Oak Park Mall the day after Thanksgiving? I have, and I’ve nearly pushed an entire family down the stairs. I’m not sure why more people can’t view stairs like they view bridges. It’s a long ways down, so it’s not a good time to piss someone off.

So, I propose walking laws. If the cops in the mall were handing out tickets to the mother with the stroller who is walking on the right-hand side of the hallway, a city like Overland Park could raise millions of dollars. And maybe, just maybe save some lives. This isn’t just a retail problem, I nearly had an accident walking into work this morning when an oblivious phone talking woman suddenly turned in front of me, forcing me to pass her on the right. If we had been driving, I would have been tempted to just slam into her. Or if she were cute.

From The Hirp

• This probably speaks volumes about the level of excitement in my life, but I’m not afraid to admit it. I am thrilled about the latest edition to my blog. If you have any volume on your computer, you’re probably hearing it right now. If you don’t, I suggest turning it up a little and looking over to the side. See it? That’s right; I have an Ipod on here now! Thanks in large part to my friend Missy, who figured out how after I saw it on someone’s MySpace page. Really though, how cool is that? I just wish you could skip from song to song, maybe it’s just a problem with my computer and I can’t take advantage of that feature. Arguably the best perk to this isn’t even visible. The site used to manage the music I want played on there, stores my music on the internet for me. Allowing access from any computer, essentially turning any computer I can get my hands on, into a larger Ipod. This could come in very handy and makes it valuable to anyone who likes music, even if they don’t have a blog or website of their own. Not as convenient as an Ipod by any means.

• What is the over/under on when K-Fed, er, someone leaks a Britney sex tape? Let’s see, he’s bitter, broke, white trash and the only claim to fame he has is who he slept with. I can’t see why he would want to release a video. What will the title be?

• This was true when I was a kid, and it’s true for every married man today. When mom or your wife says “we need to do ___” it means you need to do this. This works in three, and only three sceneiors. Mom, wife or a boss are the only ones allowed to say this. Today, I had a co-worker mention how “we need to take the pizza boxes to the trash.” Now, she’s a wife and a mother, but neither to me. And she’s not my boss. So, if she thinks I’m going to touch the boxes, that she is very capable of moving herself, well she’s sadly mistaken. And if she happens to find this page, I’m in for a world class awkward moment. We need to make sure she never visits.

• Tonight I’m going to an end of the season dinner for my friend’s sons’ football team. The wife of the coach is a first rate bitch. I mentioned her behavior in a previous post “parent of the year” or something like that. But I don’t think anyone got her a trophy, and it’s a shame. She should know just how big of a bitch she is. I’m sure she’ll find out after her son spends the rest of their savings on therapy. But she should know now, and I’d prefer to be there when she finds out. In fact, I think I’d like to tell her myself. Hmm, that’s probably not a good idea. But if she happens reads this, it won’t be an awkward moment. Not for me anyway.

Make Funny Time Yes

This past weekend I saw Borat, and it is every bit as funny as you’ve heard. But it’s a lot smarter than people are giving it credit for. Sure, the “running of the Jew” nearly made me wet myself, and I laughed hysterically for a solid 10 minutes after the scene, but exposing the ignorance of Americans throughout the movie was borderline brilliant. Some how this guy was able to get your average Americans, and I mean average on every level, to let their guard down and really say how they feel. Be it homophobic comments by a cowboy at a rodeo in Texas, to drunken college kids sounding like the disciples’ of Mel Gibson.

Much of the movie uses the same shock humor as Jackass, but it always ends up going somewhere you couldn’t anticipate. Now, what I don’t understand is how Shasha Baron-Cohen is able to find such fools. It doesn’t surprise me that he isn’t recognized and I’m sure they had to edit out a few scenes where he was but, the fact that he gets people to invite him in with a camera and humiliate them, well that just baffles me. Don’t they have to sign consent forms to allow the footage to be aired? I don’t see anyway that his adventure was as random as we are led to believe.

Definitely a movie to own when the DVD comes out, I can’t wait to see some of the deleted scenes. Is very nice.

As funny as Borat was, it wasn’t the funniest part of my weekend. Watching Porqchops daughter eat, well that literally takes the cake. At first she appears angelic, as she nearly dives head first into her cake. Then you hear something that you immediately assume is Porqchop. No, the growling noise isn’t coming from his intestine. And it’s 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon, so he isn’t just watching Skinamax. No, the growling sound is coming from a now 1 year old girl, as she devours her cake. It’s friggin’ hysterical. She continues to growl, and ignores the laughter of the nearby adults because she means business. This isn’t a kid hamming it up for attention; she is just that serious about her food.

Hirp on...

Holy crap! I haven't posted in a week. And I wasn't even in a coma. There’s no real reason for the delay. Maybe its writers block or maybe it’s just a boring life catching up with me, either way there hasn’t been anything to say. Hopefully this weekend I’ll see Borat, I’m pretty sure I’ll have a few thoughts after that. I finally watched Da Ali G show for the first time last weekend. It took a good two or three years of a friend telling me how great it was before I finally caved. And well, it’s not THAT great, but it’s pretty damn funny. Mostly the Borat sketches. It’s a scientific fact that Jews are the funniest people on the planet. It also helps that most the scientists are Jewish.

------------------------------------------

It sounds trivial and probably doesn’t make sense. But I judge a computer mainly by the sound of the keyboard. A solid clicking, that sounds like rapid gunfire when you really start typing is on some level, a much smaller level, as sweet sounding as a wood bat making solid contact. Today I got my laptop from work, and the keyboard on laptops some how sounds better than 86% of all other keyboards. You probably think I just made up that percentage. I’m a complete nerd.

------------------------------------------

Can we have a moment of silence for Mrs. Kevin Federline please? I mean, if those two crazy kids can’t make it work, who can? I was a bit skeptical about the institute of marriage before, now I’ve lost all faith in it. What were the odds? I love that she announced it on Election Day. Doing her best to bury the story, she must have finally hired someone to do her PR. I think she’s been without for the past 10 years. And I don’t think she’s smart enough to consider when and how to release this horribly upsetting news.

------------------------------------------

Election results are in, um, duh. You aren’t here to get the news. So the Democrats have won control of the House and Senate and this is supposed to help right Washington. Myself, I definitely consider myself a “democrat.” I am; Pro-choice, against the war in Iraq, in favor of affirmative action, I think gun control should be more than “use two hands.” Basically, I’m what you’d call a liberal. But lately I find myself sick of the label, and the label, “conservative.” I think part this comes from the spots my cousin did that I posted on here last week. I’m not sure when or how liberal became a synonymous for democrat or conservative for republican. But some where along the way, it became more important for people to support their party rather than their views.

I think most people have views that cross party lines. You can be pro-life and pro-environment (in fact that sounds logical) but you’d be hard pressed to find a politician that shares your views. I could be wrong but, I lay the blame on the shoulders of the religious right. They are like the mafia, you are either with them or against them and being against them could mean death, or at least a stint in hell. And it’s hard to find Republicans that will stand up against them. A Republican politician has to appease the right, or lose their support and more importantly, their financial backing.
So once again God or better yet, Religion is doing more to separate us than bring us together. A simple fact that proves separating religion and state is the right thing to do.

A Tad

Yesterday I was reading the Sports Guy’s NBA Preview and in doing so, I was some how transported back to high school. I was on newspaper for three years in high school, go on and laugh, and one of my highlights occurred in 1995. That was the year I wrote a little NBA Preview of my own. When I say “little” I’m being sarcastic. Originally the plan was I’d write this Preview, and it would run in one issue of the Blue Valley Northwest Express.

Then I started writing it. And writing. Then I wrote a little more. Our paper came out once a month and when time came to lay out the paper, we found out that my preview wouldn’t fit in just one issue. A month later the editors realized it wasn’t going to fit in two issues. But we couldn’t run it in a third because, well the season would be nearly halfway over at that point. So everyone who remembers it only remembers how long the thing was. They ignore the fact that I correctly predicted a Knicks-Rockets Final. Unfortunately I missed two somewhat minor details. The Knicks would lose the series, and the entire series would be over shadowed by some white Bronco driving around Southern California one afternoon.

A couple years later I met a girl who was in the same sorority as one of the editors from high school. Some how this lunatic told my new friend that the reason they stopped running my preview was because I had plagiarized the thing. This is complete and utter bullshit. It’s true I had multiple NBA Preview magazines open while I wrote the piece, but that was for research purposes. I needed to know who was where exactly, and of course use lots of stats.

It bothered me for a while that I heard this three years AFTER the fact. So this bitter editor was either just trying to make me look bad to this girl, or she and the advisor lacked the guts to confront me. It’s true I butted heads with the editors and the advisor. In fact I was nearly kicked off staff. I had a slight problem where I would only follow up on the assignments I felt like writing. There were three subjects of interest to me. Those were sports, movies and music. I’ve really grown up a lot since then. Want me to write an NBA Preview? Sure thing. Asbestos story, I didn’t even attempt to write it. Hell, I didn’t even consider writing it. See, back in high school I had a few rules. I only cared about sports and movies, so that’s all I wanted to write about. Also, I would only interview people I knew. I was more then a tad bit socially retarded at that point in my life. Today I’m just a tad bit tard.

Don't Talk to Neighbors

So I’m in training today, and some how we got on this “get to know your neighbor” sidebar. We were each to ask a pretty basic question for everyone to answer. Some of the questions were; where would you go if you could go any place, what’s your dream job and what’s your favorite meal.

My turn came around, and I was pretty sure of at least some of the answers. I asked if you could meet anyone from history, who would it be. Without fail, half of the class answered Jesus or some other religious figure. I’m not upset by their answers; I’m never upset when I’m proven right. But I still question why they would answer that way at the work place. They say to avoid talking religion and politics at work. Who “they” are, I’m not real sure but this is one of the few times I disagree with “them.”

Not because I think it’s in poor taste though. I love talking religion and politics. But at work, I know I have to censor myself. I hate censoring myself. I ask a simple question about a historical figure, and when someone answers Jesus, I can’t say, “no, I meant people that we know really walked the earth.” Nor can I say, “you sure you can handle that kind of disappointment? This is a once in a life time event, and you want to meet a carpenter from 2000 years ago?”

But a co-worker doesn’t need to know what I believe about religion or politics. Just as I would jump to conclusions about someone whose beliefs differ from mine, they would assume things about me. Some of which may be correct assumptions, that are still better off remaining unknown. The strangest thing, for me anyway, is how many people I’ve seen that openly discuss religion and even bring bibles to work or include scripture quotes in their e-mail signatures. It’s actually pretty scary to be honest. Not just because I’m Jewish but, not completely separate of that fact either.

Now here’s one of my favorite questions. You’re having a dinner party, in my case this may consist of ordering a few pizzas. You can, and must invite 9 people. They can be either: dead or alive, famous or infamous, a personal friend or a celebrity. With any mix you like.

So I’d order some pies and have my old friend Brendan, Jennifer Aniston, Robert Deniro, Tupac, Jackie Robinson, Frank Sinatra, Dwight Gooden, Chuck Klosterman, and The Sports Guy.

Question from Klosterman

This isn't exactly how he worded it in his latest book "IV" though you'll get the point.

Think of someone who is your friend (do not select your best friend, but make sure the person is someone you would classify as “considerably more than an acquaintance”). Got one picked?
The friend is going to be attacked by a grizzly bear.
Now, this person will survive the bear attack; that is guaranteed. There is a 100% chance that your friend will live. However, the extent of his injuries is uknown; he might receive nothing but a few superficial cuts or he might lose a limb, even multiple limbs.
Now you have the power to prevent this attack. But there’s a catch. If you do so, it will always rain where ever you are, for the rest of your life. It could be a down pour, or a drizzle. But you’ll never see the sun again.
Would you prevent the attack?

What Kind Of Person Are You?

And I'm not just posting this cause I know one of the guys who made it. Friggin great stuff.

Brain Teaser

Draw a tic-tac-toe board. So you have 9 slots. Now, using the numbers 1-9, make all directions equal 15. The directions are up/down, across and diagonal. Use each number only once.



I'll post the answer in a couple of days.

Hirplings

• Another day light saving has come and passed and I still haven’t figured out what happens to television shows when the “savings” occurs. I mentioned my big question, do they replay shows or what, to my dad and a couple of friends this weekend. They all thought they knew at first then when they gave it a little bit of thought, they realized they had no clue and thought it was a pretty interesting question. But the mystery continues.

• I watched a very good flick this weekend, United 93, check it out. That’s right, I really liked a movie about 9/11. But it’s nothing like World Trade Center and it was ten times better then it’s made for TV counterpart, Flight 93. But this isn’t a review. This is about a joke. I watched the movie with my parents, and my mom made the funniest, yet sickest joke I heard all weekend. There’s a scene where the would-be-terrorists are at the airport getting ready to board the plane. Mom deadpans, “they didn’t need to get their two hours early and go through security.”

So, now you know that my sick sense of humor came to me via genetics. And you can no longer blame me for anything offensive I may say.

• I’m not sure why I signed up to play fantasy football again this year. Before the season started it really sounded like a good idea. I think I was hoping the same thing I hoped for last year, playing fantasy football would help me regain my interest in football. It didn’t work last year, and it isn’t working this year. Remind me not to play next year. I like football enough to watch a few games, keep an eye on who is doing what. But not enough to put in the time and effort that playing fantasy football requires. I haven’t even made a trade offer or roster move this year. That’s t he best part of any fantasy sports league.

I Am Not A Criminal

I’m actually not a loser but, sometimes I’m an idiot of loser like levels. A few years ago I got a parking ticket. Hardly the crime of the century, I know. Yesterday as I sifted through my mail, which I may or may not actually get out of my mailbox on a regular basis, I saw a letter from some law office. Um, that’s never good. I open it up to find out that I owe Kansas City a little change for an unpaid parking ticket. And that there’s some little thing called a “warrant” for my arrest. In a future post I’ll go over all the things in life that I never want to experience, being arrested is on the list.

It isn’t a huge deal or anything. I don’t have to turn myself in or anything dramatic like that, I simply had to go pay the ticket. For the record, I did so this morning. So really, it’s just an embarrassing oversight on my part. It’s not as if I’m a dead beat dad, and someone was collecting child support. I simply forgot to pay a stupid parking ticket, nearly three years ago. But anytime something happens, and there’s a chance it could lead you to handcuffs and bail, well it’s not a good feeling. I really didn’t even want to post about this but, well I did anyway.

If I were to analyze what lead me to this predicament, I’d say it’s my tendency to duck difficult situations or just un-wanted situations. I’m just guessing here but, this is probably why I sometimes don’t retrieve my snail mail for weeks at a time. There’s nothing good there. Just bills, junk mail, and credit card offers. The bills I pay them online, I don’t want to look at them any more then I need to. As a kid, I used to avoid looking at my report card when I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Luckily I’m not going to analyze the situation, so I don’t have to admit any of that.

Now let me tell you about the lovely people that work at our courthouse. Doors open at 8am, so I got there a good 10-15 minutes early. Finally the doors open and there’s one person ahead of me. He’s being helped, and I see three other people go up to their little windows and get them selves situated. They turn on their computers, put their coffee down. They move so slow, that if they moved any slower I’m sure they’d literally fall down. It looks as if one gentleman is about ready to open his window but, he goes in back again. It took nearly 10 minutes for someone to finally help me. I can’t imagine how bitter these people are. They couldn’t care less, I’m not a “customer” to them, just an idiot. The fact that there’s a meter running and I have to get work means nothing to them. They’d probably get a good laugh if I got a ticket for the meter expiring. Well, that’s assuming they have emotions like joy, and I’m fairly certain that they do not.

Anyway, the ticket is taken care of and I’m back to being an upstanding citizen.

Coach Hirp?

Go back to school, move to Chicago, pick up and move to Minneapolis for school, or find work in the Windy City. I wrestled with those questions for a while, all the while pretty much knowing that I didn’t have the guts to do either. Nor did I have the guts to admit it to myself, or anyone else for that matter, that I already knew the answer. The new job made the decision a lot easier, I won’t lie. But the decision was pretty much made before. And not just because I’m a tad bit afraid of change.

Picking up and moving, facing new challenges and making new friends sounds exciting and I’m sure it is. And there’s a part of me that would still like to try it. But you know what? I may not be a huge fan of Kansas City but, I have it pretty nice here. I have some really great friends. Why would I want to leave? Just to find new work, that I might enjoy more and it might be more rewarding. But what would happen to the rest of my life? My career could end up being more then I ever dreamed of but, without good friends, what’s the point?

Some of these friends I’ve known all my life but, most I’ve known five or more years. That isn’t easy to replace. Their families are my extended family. I know a new city doesn’t guarantee any of that, and I also realize they may some day have an opportunity that could cause them to move. And if that happens, good for them. They have to do what’s best for themselves and their families. But what’s best for me, is to be near these people. No matter how much grief they enjoy inflicting on me.

Not to sound like Roy Williams or anything but, “I’m Staying.” This doesn’t mean I’ll skip town at the next chance I get. Then again, maybe I will.

Kids

Kids are just mean. Not so much mean I guess but, they sure know which buttons to push. Yesterday my friends’ wife was out of town, and often when that is the situation I some how end up bringing pizza over. Well, last night that wasn’t the plan. Then he calls me, I had been home maybe five minutes, and tells me that his three year old daughter asked if I was bringing pizza over. Next, he actually puts her on the phone to ask. Well, no I hadn’t planned on it. But, well, now yes I’ll bring pizza. Like I’m gonna say no to that little voice. And they don’t live that close. They did but, some how decided it was smart to move to Johnson County. So, I gotta drive 15 minutes to get the pie because, not just any pie will do. Then another 25 minutes in rush hour traffic, just to serve the princess, and her brother the prince, some pizza. I’m never having my own kids. This is expensive enough, and I’m never going to have to pay for their therapy. And I will cause a few sessions, this I know.

So one of the perks I get with this new job is a free phone plan for myself, and I get discounts for up to six friends or family members. And since my niece is turning 15 next month, and has been begging for a phone since she was about seven, I think I’ll cave and hook her up. But I know she won’t take just any phone. It’ll have to have a camera, a fact that makes me nervous, and it will have to be pink. The up side is I can monitor her calls, both who she calls and how much she talks. Then I can track down any boys she may talk to and put the fear of God into them. If putting the fear into them doesn’t work, I’ll go all Toby Keith and put a boot in them. Really, deciding against having my own kids will go down as my best decision.

Well, training is about to start so I must go. I’ll try to post more later.