Monday, Movie, and More

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HirpTV

So you probably know by now how I really dislike reality television, but I’m not completely immune to wanting to capitalize off a fad. I tight-rolled my jeans back in the day too, so I have my own idea for the next big show. “Big Foot in Biggest Mouth: The Real Biggest Loser.” Starring: Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Isaiah Washington, Paris Hilton, Bill O’Reilly, Tom Cruise and Rosie O’Donnell. Larry King, of course, would be the host.

Between putting the contestants through humiliating tasks, such as finding real work, each episode ends with another empty apology. You know the one, where we hear a heart felt sorry and how there’s simply no excuse for their stupid ass comments (no offense to ass’es) followed by an excuse in attempt to make it seem not so bad anymore. Never mind if its a blatant lie like “I’ve never done drugs,” when there’s video on the internet of Paris toking up.

The grand finale is a new movie that has Gibson playing a Jewish Holocaust survivor whose son was killed in Iraq and his daughter turned cop, was raped and killed on duty. Oh, and all of his lines are in subtitles. Mean while Michael Richards plays Washington’s boyfriend in a bi-racial homosexual relationship, and Bill O’Reilly plays dad to Hilton and O’Donnell. Meanwhile, O’Donnell is suffering from post-partum after giving birth to Cruise’s baby, and he actually has to be an understanding and supportive husband, who runs to the pharmacy to pick up anti-depressants’. Roman Polanski directs.

What scares me is this awful show would do better than “Studio 60,” and that’s a direct reflection of how dumb our country has become. I just watched the series finale of “Studio 60” last night, and I still can’t understand why it was cancelled. Well, I understand why it was cancelled, what I don’t get is why no one watched it. Yet 17 million people will routinely tune in to watch a glorified Karaoke contest. And why does it have to be on a prime TV night? The losers that watch Idol religiously aren’t going out on Friday night. Put the retarded shows on Friday night, use the middle of the week for quality television.

Paris and Hoops

So I had this little debate with myself, would I or wouldn’t I say anything about Paris Hilton. I really didn’t want to, because at this point it’s all been said. I don’t have any unique observations and to be honest I really don’t give a shit. But it is entertaining to a point and the story is everywhere. So last night I found myself watching, not the interview itself, but a recap of the interview. There was a special on Headline News in which a panel of “experts” broke down her interview with Larry King like a group of commentators on ESPN.

This has to be a first. The OJ case launched the television careers of just about everyone on Fox News, because every night for a year they broke down every little detail about a murder trial involving one of the biggest names in sports history. So as much of a crock of shit that whole thing was, at least they were dealing with a crime that had victims and shed some light on the legal process. Last night journalism hit a new low. The OJ case did to journalism what the Zepplin blimp did to travel and the coverage of Paris will end up as the Titanic of journalism.

My favorite phenomena in this whole thing, has been watching the media cover their own coverage of this ridiculous story. How long till there’s a news channel that’s dedicated to nothing else but covering the media?

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So my 14 year old nephew is in town, and I promised him we’d play some one on one at some point. Truth is, I’m terrified. Not only is he taller than me, something he’s proud of but in all honesty, it isn’t that much of an accomplishment, but he’s probably going to kick my ass. I really don’t know how I’ll handle it. Odds are in favor of me cheating, maybe even playing down right dirty. We’ll see. If you don’t read about it in the near future, one of three things happened:

1. My back continued to spasm, not an excuse, it’s been killing me all week.
2. It rained even more, and we decided to build an arc.
3. Or I got my ass kicked and decided I didn’t want to share the story.

I Wish..

Some of those that know me know that I sometimes day dream of being a screen writer. I haven’t ever attempted to write a screenplay, but I’ve flirted with a few ideas. Always making the promise to myself, that one day I’ll write something. I may never submit to a studio, an agent or even show it to a friend. But some day, I’ll pound the keyboard long enough to knock out my very own.

In the meantime I watch movies, and more than my share. Occasionally I see something and think to myself, “that’s the kind of movie I wish I would have written.” And it isn’t the classics. Sure, I’d consider selling my soul to have written The Godfather or Heat, or something like Shawshank or even American History X. But those aren’t the ones that send a surge of jealously through my bones. So I’ve decided to come up with a brief list of some of those movies that I just wish were written by me.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - You might notice that a solid number of these movies are more of the under the radar variety. This movie is just so clever and quick witted, and to be honest, I think it even sounds like me at times. The sarcasm and banter sounds exactly like me, only it’s the conversations I have in my head rather than those I utter aloud. Minor detail, I know.

Just Write - First, I’ll admit it. It’s a chick flick, and there’s no hiding it. So mock me if you want, but at least try to understand. It’s a Jeremy Piven vehicle (see, don’t I just sound like I know what I’m talking about? Who else says “vehicle”?) and I’ve owned the video tape for years. That’s my way of subtly telling you that I’ve been a fan of Pivens since before Entourage. Anyway, here’s the premise: Normal schmo who is 30 and has a love of movies, runs into his favorite actress who just happens to be the woman who would be #1 on his laminated list if he had one. This is Sherilyn Fenn, I have a thing for blue eyed brunettes and she’s still top 15 worthy. Anyway, to impress her he claims to be a screen writer, and then has to step up and actually write a screenplay for her. So it’s basically the same dream I had for some 13 years of meeting, and winning over, Jennifer Aniston.

True Romance - I’m picking a Tarantino-penned movie and it isn’t Pulp Fiction, I must be out of my mind right? Wrong. Look, I know Pulp is the superior movie. It’s nearly the perfect movie. If Pulp Fiction was an NBA player and his entire career, it would be Michael Jordan, near perfection almost every step of the way. Only Jordan retired a couple of times, and so did Pulp. The whole Bruce Willis-Fabienne sequence just bores me. True Romance doesn’t have peaks as high as Pulp, but it’s steady all the way through. More like Clyde Drexler. And you have to respect that kind of consistency. Plus, it’s a much more personal story than Pulp and that’s appealing to me.

Out of Sight - The most underrated movie of the 90’s. Clooney’s Jack Foley is the quintessential loveable loser. He is the Chicago Cubs. I don’t know why I make a sports analogy out of every thing, but I hope you don’t mind. He’s smooth, he’s cool, he fucks up every step of the way and he never gets fazed by it. He gets the girl, he loses the girl. He robs banks, he gets caught. A lot. Before he was Danny Ocean, and the epitamy of cool, he was smooth talking a pre-J.Lo, Jennifer Lopez in the trunk of a getaway car. The same girl he risked everything for, ended up shooting him and sending him back to prison. And it was exactly what he wanted. When I say I can relate to his character, I really mean that I wish I was him. That’s what I want to write, something so cool, that people wish they could live in my characters shoes.

Which brings me to Swingers - The most obvious movie on this list. I am Mikey, even if I don’t swing dance. You have a group of friends, a last second trip to Vegas, talking trash over a Sega Genesis, driving the wrong car, and even obsessively calling a girl all the way to getting the right girl in the end. It isn’t larger than life or cheesy, it’s funny and personal with conversations I know my friends and I have had.

Hirp Doin Dallas, UNO

When I took this job last October a couple things happened that made me feel all growns up. There was the laptop and the business cards. To me, those marked major milestones in my life. They meant that I finally had a real big kid job. Well today marks another milestone, as today I took my first business trip. That’s right, corporate card, a per diem, a hotel and all those things my dad dreaded. So I’m in lovely Dallas, which has more strip clubs than any city on the face of the planet. Really, what else is there in Texas besides beer, steak, cowboys, Mexican food, Churches and strip clubs? Having the last two on the same list really cracks me up.

Anyway, funniest thing to happen thus far actually took place in Kansas City at around 6:20 this morning. We were taking the shuttle from the parking lot to the terminal, and of course someone had to get a call on their cell, and answer it. What makes it funny to me was the fact that it was a Middle-Eastern man, and he was speaking in another language. Funny for two reasons: 1, that has to be the quickest way to make a group of travelers nervous in this day and age. Aside from having a pre-flight beer next to a belligerent drunk who just happens to be your pilot. The second reason this stuck me as funny was, making up his conversation in my own head.

I’m pretty sure it went something like this, “Yep, I’m at the airport. You’re right, all these white people look nervous. Wow, this is funnier than I thought. I bet if I say Allah and Jihad in the same sentence they’ll ship me to Guantanamo Bay faster than a Saudi minute. Okay, I gotta go. I think they might actually hurt me. The guy in the camouflage hat is changing colors. Before I go, we’re still on for golf Thursday, right?”

I don’t care what you tell me, that was his conversation. Except for the “Allah and Jihad” parts, because, well because I would have understood those words. Like when the Mexicans say gringo and then laugh, I know they’re talking about me even if I don’t know what they’re saying.

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As many of you know, it’s not exactly rare for me to spend a Saturday night playing some cards with some friends. This weekend, however, there’s a slight twist. We didn’t start off with hold ‘em or even Omaha. No, it wasn’t seven card stud either. No, the first game of the night was a competitive bout of Candy Land. Oh, you think I was babysitting? No, it was a thirty-something crowd. And it was great fun. And it got even better. We only played one round of that, and then we realized there was a real pro at the table. We’ll call her “Coco.” She just had a knack for pulling the right cards.

After Candy Land we moved on to the most cut throat card game out there, Uno. If you or your friends are even a little bit passive aggressive, Uno will make you full on, balls to the wall aggressive. I seriously think ESPN should start Uno tournaments, and they should do so yesterday. I may give up poker all together, and just devote my energy to becoming a world class Uno player, much like Itchy Kitty.

Hirp Gone Serious

I don’t remember the exact day it hit me, but there was a time that “growing up” hit me over the head like a C-Core. It wasn’t high school graduation, and it wasn’t going off to college. It wasn’t turning 21 and it wasn’t my first 401k plan. I worried about it when friends started moving away. It finally hit when I started to see friends get married. Even though I wasn’t even close to doing so myself, that’s when I first thought, “Shit, we’re like…adults now.” Panic set in soon after.

I grew accustomed to the feeling, and it was pretty cool. It didn’t really change anything, they had girlfriends or boyfriends before, and the only real change was in jewelry. Then they started buying houses, and that wasn’t exactly a blunt object to the head, more of a punch to the stomach that told me we aren’t kids any longer. Soon there were friends talking about starting families, some even giving the big news that included words like “expecting” and “trimester.” But I was used to baby talk, being that I became an uncle at 15, so the thought of my friends having kids just meant I had more nieces and nephews.

And so some kids appeared, and I soon went back to feeling like a kid myself. Why wouldn’t I? Being around them gave me not only an excuse to be immature, but a reason to be. Still does. Then the calendar changed and I was 30, I couldn’t still be a kid at 30. So I probably fought growing up as much as it fought me. But then the last straw appeared. Like someone emptied the box of straws, and there was just one left. And it wasn’t even one of the bendy ones, I love those. This happened when I first started hearing different friends talk about the big “D” word. There’s nothing more grown up than divorce. I had friends who had been divorced, but before I met them, so it didn’t really count.

Even though nothing official has happened with any of these couples I’m friends with, the writing is currently in the process from moving from the wall to legal documents. So now I finally consider myself an adult, even though I don’t really feel like one all the time. Not how I imagined it.

Hirp Went to the Movies

I haven’t reviewed any movies lately, and I’ve actually been going on a somewhat regular basis this summer. So far I’ve seen Shrek the Third, Knocked Up and Ocean’s 13. Two sequels, and one movie that had essentially the same cast, writers and director as another movie which basically makes it a sequel. But all three are just as good as their predecesors, which is remarkable.

Shrek the Third was just as fun as the first one, and had plenty of jokes for adults without corrupting the kids. I saw it a few weeks ago, and I can’t say anything about it really stuck with me, so it isn’t a must see by any means.

On the other hand, Knocked Up is a must see. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should probably leave work right now and go. A absolutely hysterical flick, which might just be better than 40 Year Old Virgin. 40 Year Old came out right around the same time as Wedding Crashers, and after one viewing I felt Crashers was the superior movie. But after watching them each multiple times, 40 Year Old just got funnier and funnier while Crashers looked more like a chick flick we were tricked into believing was the funniest movie in years. This is relevant here because I can’t wait to see Knocked Up again. I’m already sure it’s going to be even funnier the second time.

Ocean’s 13 made up for 12, which we can now officially deny ever took place, even if I do own the DVD. I was afraid adding Pacino to the cast would throw the chemistry out of whack, but he didn’t over do his “whoo-ah” shtick that he’s used in every movie since Scent of a Woman. In fact he was just about perfect for his character. It’s just hard to see him as anything other than Michael Corleone or Tony Montana. Walking out, I thought it might have been as good as Ocean’s 11, so last night I re-watched 11. And as good as 13 is, it’s not at the same level as 11. Some of the funniest and coolest scenes in 11 were the looks they gave each other. A cocked head, raised eyebrows in response to a line or rolled eyes. That level of “cool” may not ever be replicated. It should be noted, that from the previews I was afraid that the whacky costumes and disguises would give the movie a cheap feel. That they’d be forced jokes and take the wind out of the sails, as the stupid gags in Be Cool killed any chance of that movie being as good as Get Shorty. But the gimmicks worked, because they didn’t over do it.

Ticked Hirp

So this weekend I had a trip to the lake with some friends planned. I’ve been pretty excited about the prospect of a nice relaxing long weekend. Just hanging out, grilling some burgers and steaks, maybe playing some cards, introducing my friends to a little movie called The Godfather. And if this were a baseball telecast, there would be a graphic on the bottom of the screen noting this as my first ever trip as part of a couple. Just for those scoring at home, or alone.

Well then a few random things have thrown the trip in the air, so we thought it would be best to cancel our reservation. And this is where it gets good. I didn’t make the reservation, but before letting my friend know that I thought it was best that we cancel the trip, I did check their website for the cancellation policy. It said that if you cancel and they can’t rebook the room, we’d lose our deposit, but if they could rebook it then we’d be charged just a charge of 25% of our deposit. Not a huge deal.

But when my friend made the reservation, he was told the resorts policy. And it just happens to differ more than a little bit from what they list on the website. See, if they can’t rebook the room, rather than lose our deposit, we actually have to pay the entire amount. Not the amount of the deposit, no, the whole damn three nights. All because we didn’t cancel with more than 30 days notice, mind you we didn’t book 30 days in advance.

Ironically enough, last night the classic “Seinfeld” episode in which Jerry reserves a mid-size car, only the car rental company doesn’t have any available when he goes to pick it up. Leading to the memorable, “you know how to take a reservation, but you don’t know how to “hold” a reservation, and that’s really the most important part to the reservation, the holding.”

Not My Thoughts..

But worth sharing. Found this on the net, interesting thoughts on the Sopranos finale


Anybody who says "nothing happened on the Sopranos" is completely missing out on the ending! This is NOT a life goes on ending! And anyone who thinks so should go back and watch it again.

Watch the last scene of The Blue Comet (the 2nd to last episode) first. As Tony sits on the edge of the bed he contemplates his demise.

Then, there's the flashback to Tony and Bobby in the boat discussing being whacked, "You probably never hear it coming." Remember when Tony was speaking with Bobby...basically saying that you don't see or hear death? It just happens and you would never feel it.....aka fading to black.....

Fast forward to Tony in "Made In America" final scene.

So, the point would have been that life continues and we may never know the end of the Sopranos. But if you pay attention to the history, you will find that all the answers lie in the characters in the restaurant.

The trucker was the brother of the guy who was robbed by Christopher in Season 2. Remember the DVD players? The trucker had to identify the body.

As Tony walks in the door of Holstein's he looks into the diner and sees nobody from his family. He is the first to arrive. The there is a very odd cut. The camera cuts back to Tony's face looking into the diner and then cuts back to the diner where, if by magic, Tony is now sitting.

This odd cut is provided to show us that "cut to Tony's face means the audience = Tony's perspective."

Fast Forward to AJ arriving. The are two black youths weren't these guys the ones who tried to kill Tony and only clipped him in the ear, circa season 2 or 3?

And the "Members only" guy at the bar. This guy is credited as Nicky Leotardo. The same actor played him in the first part of season 6 during a brief sit down concerning the future of Vito. That wasn't that long ago. Apparently, he is the nephew of Phil. Phil's brother Nicky Senior was killed in 1976 in a car accident.

Tony takes a look at both. After the "members only" guy walks to the restroom we see a close-up of Tony anticipating Meadow to walk through the door - again - Tony's perspective. Absolutely
incredible!!!! There were three people in the restaurant who had reason to kill Tony and then it just ends. This was Chase's way of proving that he will not escape his past. It will not go on forever despite that he would like it to ......"DON'T STOP" --- BELIEVING....

Suddenly CUT to black, music stops, black screen for several seconds. Tony (and the audience) got WHACKED - and he didn't hear it coming. It is crystal clear and not open to interpretation. WE GOT WHACKED! Chase is showing Tony's perspective.

Tony's finished...and Chase is truly rewarding the true fans who pay
attention to detail.

See Ya, T

I read an interview with Quentin Tarantino, where he said his job is to get the audience off. As you can imagine, he used slightly more colorful language to make his point. Anyway, last night David Chase left most of America with a world class case of Blue Balls. I think the first reaction, for most fans, was of huge disappointment. But with some time, for me, that gave way to more of a comfortable feeling with how things ended for Tony Soprano, mainly because they didn’t end.

It isn’t the first show to end without a real ending. “Cheers” and “Friends” both rolled the final credits, with us feeling that the characters lives went on as usual, and that is all that happened with “The Sopranos.” Had Tony’s brain ended up scattered across that diner, we wouldn’t feel any better about things. Sure there would have been “closure” but there isn’t a bigger bull shit theory than “closure.” It doesn’t work in real life, and it wouldn’t work in television. Seeing a dead Tony, wouldn’t have made us feel better. Having Tony rat on someone would have been the biggest sin of the millennium, and seeing him behind bars wouldn’t give us any of that “closure.”

This morning, he woke up and started his day. He had some meetings, he ate (a few times) His son disappointed him, he was proud of his daughter and his wife probably bust his balls some more. He doesn’t know what will happen with New York, and he knows he’ll get indicted pretty soon. He’s hoping he can beat the case. And every time he starts his car, he’ll wonder for a split second if it’s going to blow up. He’ll always sit facing the door to see if someone comes for him. He’ll soon have to decide what, if anything, to do with Paulie. And that’s exactly what I want to think.

I’m not saying I was happy with how the show ended, but when did the show ever give us what we wanted? We saw Tony kill his best friend, we saw Carmela leave and come back. We never saw Meadow naked, we never saw Tony absolutely beat the shit out of AJ and we saw Adrianna rat and get killed. This wasn’t Newhart, expecting an ending wrapped in a big bow that answers all questions is a ridiculous request. If anything, the ended was true to form.

And of course it left the door wide open for that much talked about movie. Say five years from now, AJ had made his bones. Meadow is a big shot lawyer, who knows how to keep her daddy well informed and out of jail. There’s still story left to be told, if they so choose to. Or they can leave it up to the bloggers of the world, most of whom will spend the next three years bitching about the two seconds they thought their cable went out.

Ocean's 11, Chick Verision

I am getting pretty excited to see Ocean’s 13 this weekend, and I was thinking how Hollywood likes to find a formula and recycle it a few hundred times. So let’s say they decided to make a chick version of the Oceans series. How would you cast it? Here’s what I came up with.

Danny Ocean (George Clooney) - Jennifer Aniston
Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) – Uma Thurman
Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon) – Mary Louise Parker
Virgil Malloy (Casey Affleck) – Lisa Kudrow
Turk Malloy (Scott Caan) – Parker Posey
Livingston Dell (Eddie Jeminson) - Maggie Gyllenhaal
Ruben Tishkoff (Elliot Gould) – Frances McDormand
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac) – Queen Latifah
Yen (Shaobo Qin) – Devon Aoki (Miho from Sin City)
Saul Bloom (Carl Reiner) – Shirley MacLaine
Basher Tarr (Don Cheadle) – Rosario Dawson
Tess Ocean (Julia Roberts) – John Cusak
Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia) – Catherine Zeta Jones (I really didn’t want to use someone that was in the Oceans series)

Instead of knocking over three casinos, they’d be knocking over Tiffany’s, DeBeers and I don’t know of a third store.

Let the record show, I didn't use a cast of just the best looking acteresses. There's no Alba, Mcadams, Lohan or Mendes.

Sign Me Up

I'm there opening night. Hell, I'm already ordering the DVD.

Hirp On...

This week in baseball, a big controversial story has been about the comments made by Gary Sheffield. (hey, he’s Dwight Gooden’s nephew) Sheffield, went on record with GQ magazine saying that there are more Latino players in the game today than African-American players, because they are more controllable. Well, his statement itself was a bit careless and inaccurate, but it does bright the spotlight to a very important baseball fact. The game is losing black players.

Which means something much bigger, it’s losing black fans. Personally, I don’t think that it’s some big racist conspiracy. I think marketing is to blame. Bo the fantastic marketing done by the NBA and NFL the past twenty-five years, and the horrible marketing done by baseball. Ask a baseball fan what defines the past 25 years, and I bet their answer includes: work stoppages, home runs and steroids, Cal Ripken, Barry Bonds, the evil Yankees and their payroll and a cancelled World Series. Ask the same question to an NBA fan, and you’ll hear: Jordan, Bird, Magic, Shaq, Kobe, the Bulls, the Dream Team and LeBron.

What you don’t hear is that baseball has had seven different champions the past seven years, all without a salary cap that allegedly evens the playing field. Yet the NBA has only seen seven different champions in the past 20 years. That’s right, count it. Bulls, Lakers, Rockets, Spurs, Pistons, Heat, and Celtics. Oh, and the Celtics haven’t won since 1986. The NFL has had seven different Super Bowl Champions in the last nine years.

Baseball spends too much time talking about how it’s going to fix its problems, which of course it should do, but in the meantime it should be highlighting how great the game is. Those in charge have depended on fathers to turn their sons on to the game, but that isn’t realistic in this day and age. While the NFL has games once a week, almost all of which start early enough so that kids can see entire games, baseball is starting World Series games at 8pm eastern.

Also, baseball waits to celebrate and market its players until they are on the verge of something great. Cal Ripken was the center of the baseball world for breaking Lou Gehrigs consecutive game streak. LeBron James was the biggest thing in basketball while he was still in high school. Basketball looks forward, while baseball looks backwards. Instead of focusing on Ken Griffey Jr. in the mid 90’s, baseball had to recover from a work stoppage that cost us a World Series.

As great a job as they have done at growing the game over-seas, bringing in players from the far-east and Latin America, baseball has been losing fans at home. It’s all marketing. The NBA gained fans world wide with The Dream Team, and we went from dominating basketball globally to losing in international competition and having three MVP’s in a row won by someone born outside the US.

Sheffield is wrong in his reasoning, but right to be concerned. And if you don’t like baseball and just read all of this, don’t worry, I’ll write about “Entourage” and Knocked-Up either later today or tomorrow.

Hirp Reaction

The big news in Kansas City this week, ended up getting national attention, as an 18 year old girl was murdered after being kidnapped outside a local Target. There aren’t many more scenarios that are more terrifying than the exact one that played out in this case. My first ever website, nine years ago, was my response to a local tragedy that claimed the lives of three teenage girls. At the time, it really hit me hard being that I wasn’t much older than they were. This time, I see it from a slightly different perspective. As most of my friends are now parents, and my own nieces and nephews are near the age of the victim, Kelsey Smith, I’m looking at it more through those eyes.

And it’s even more horrifying from this point of view. In a way, it’s a relief that I don’t have children of my own. The Smith family, it goes without saying are the real victims, but aren’t the only victims. Along with their family and friends, every parent is victimized by a case like this. I have one friend who is admittedly a bit over protective, but its hard to find fault in her thinking after something like this happens.

I used to work right next to the Target in which she was abducted from, and in the mall where they found her car. I also just drove within a few blocks of where t hey found her body just two days ago, all of which makes it just a little closer to home. I share the same first name as her father, although we spell it differently. To see a similar story on the news that takes place else where, and they talk about unfamiliar street names, is one thing. To see stores I’ve been in, streets I’ve driven on, and to hear she went to a high school my niece once attended takes it away from Nancy Grace and puts in my world. But at the same time, I can’t help but think, that the only reason it drew so much national attention across the nation is because she’s a cute white girl in the ‘burbs. Some years ago, there was Baby Doe in Kansas City, and that case never came close to being a part of the countries conscious.

Anyway, I really don’t even have a point. I can’t imagine what her family has gone through, and if it were up to me, they’d take t he guy who did it and throw him in a room with her father, uncles and brothers. Turn off the camera, lock the door and let them do whatever they want. If they just want to tell him stories about Kelsey, they could do that. Or if they wanted to beat him to within an inch of death with his own foot, cut off his balls and make him choke on them; well they could do that too.

The Final Countdown

Sopranos spoiler alert*

Sunday was intense to say the least, highlighted by the best episode of Sopranos in two or three seasons. They may have teased us too much with all the build up over last season and this one, but the pay off was well worth it. Everyone knew there’d be a blood bath sooner or later, it was just the who and how’s we were unsure of. Seeing Bobby get lit up like a Christmas tree as almost kind of sad, for a gangster, he’s just a sweet guy. The guy who stands up for his wife, even when she’s a bigger bitch than Rosie O’Donnell on Bitch Growth Hormones (BHG) and still feels some allegiance to Uncle Junior, who refused to attend the funeral of Bobby’s father some seasons ago. He was a giant kid, about to drop eight grand on a train set.

And then to see Sil shot, that hurt, who is by far the most underrated and under-appreciated character. Who wouldn’t want to be an uncle-figure to 20 strippers? He has the hair (of which I’m jealous) the look, there have never been any doubts about his loyalty and great lines like, “I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning.” So I’m going to miss Sil.

But what’s more intriguing than who got clipped is who didn’t. The fact that Paulie “Walnuts” was left off the hitlist is suspect. Then he questions the move to go to war with Phil? Is this guy in cahoots with NY? Let’s look at the evidence: He was friends with John, he’s on the outs with Tony, he is a bumbling idiot who cussed out his own adoptive mother and biological mother and he has the most to gain by whacking Tony. He would be next in line to take over Jersey. Either they didn’t kill him because they want him alive, or because they think he’s such a moron that he’s a non-threat.

So there’s one episode left, and although I’m on pins and needles waiting for Sunday to arrive, I find myself also hoping it never comes. I just don’t want to see it end. I have four theory’s for how the show will end, but I feel like I should pick just one as my official prediction. And here it is: AJ. I’m not exactly sure how, because I don’t see how he can actually rat on his father. Just happens to be the move that could save Tony’s life, while ruining it at the same time. Just, he has no inside info. And after being dragged from his bed, and proving yet again, to be a giant disappointment he’s either going to rise to the occasion and save dad, or get back at him.

Here are the official FromtheHirp.com odds for the final episode:
AJ the “mastermind” of what brings Tony down 4:1
Paulie whacks Tony 8:1
Tony whacks Paulie, then gets whacked by NY 9:1
Tony turns state evidence against the Arab kids 10:1
Meadow shows up naked 100:1
Tony wakes up and it was all a dream, he’s really a used car salesmen in Illinois a million:1
(followed by me breaking my foot off in the television)


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Now with all successful movies and television shows, there’s the threat of either a spin off or a sequel, the Sopranos are no different. There has long been talk of a potential movie that would really be the end of it. This is unlikely because both the creator, David Chase, and the star, James Gandolfini, have no interest in doing a movie. But money talks, so it’s always possible.

A spin off is even less likely, Chase owns the rights to the characters and wouldn’t approve some sham of a show to shit on the great work he’s done. But that won’t stop some network from trying to ride its coattails just a little longer. The #1 suspect, in my eyes, is Tony Sirico (Paulie “Walnuts”) this guy can only play gangsters. Look at his resume, which includes:
Mickey Blue Eyes, Witness to the Mob, Mob Queen, Cop Land, Gotti, The Search for One-Eyed Jimmy, Romeo is Bleeding, an extra in some movie called the Godfather and his first recognizable role was in Goodfellas.

It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if a network like USA or FX, offered him a show that has him playing the skipper of a family. And I’d have zero interest in such a show, although I know I’d watch at least a few episodes.

The one idea that does intrigue me some what, although I never want to see it, is some sort of prequel. Last night I was watching an episode on A&E, and it was a flashback to when Tony wasn’t the boss. It was 95, and Jackie Sr., was in charge, and through the flashback they realized just when Big Pussy started working for the Feds. That got me to thinking, now I’d like to see how Tony came up the ranks. I beg it never happens, but I’ll always wonder.

Free Catahoula Leopard Dog to Good Home

Can you give me a GOOD home?





I am an adorable ten month-old female UNIQUE Catahoula Leopard Dog in need of a home. I was rescued from a kill-shelter where my time was about to run out. Thank goodness someone saved me and decided I was too sweet to go down like that! I am spayed, heartworm free and current on my vaccinations. I will be about 40-50 pounds when I am fully grown. I am good with children and dogs and very loving. I love to swim, fetch and play outside. When I’m not enjoying the outdoors I can be found inside curled up sleeping. I am the best of both worlds! I can be your hiking partner or your television watching buddy. I am very unique looking and I get a lot of compliments about my pretty eyes. I am ALMOST housebroken. I haven’t been in a stable enough home long enough to learn, but my foster mommy is working very hard with me. I am a puppy and have a few things to learn, but I am very smart. I promise to love you unconditionally if you become my forever owner! Email my foster mommy, Missy, at missya@ku.edu. She will be happy to show me off anytime!

Two Things..

I have a man-crush. I’m comfortable enough with myself that I can admit this, and I know I’ll be getting an earful for doing so. (cue mouthful joke from Porqchop) But you know what, I don’t care. It’s New York Mets shortstop, Jose Reyes. Love this kid. You haven’t seen anything like him. Not just his talent, but the excitement he plays with. It’s really like watching a 9 year old out there. He has all kinds of weird, intricate high-fives for his teammates. And you know how I usually feel about high-fives. Watching him watch the game is about as much fun as watching him play the game. We often see players who don’t seem to care, and treat it like a job rather than a game. So it’s refreshing to see a guy who genuinely has fun playing.

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Anyone who gets a DUI is pretty much an idiot, at least for that night. I have friends who have gotten ‘em, and they’ll be the first to admit it. It’s just pretty stupid. Never mind that it puts lives at risk, just financially speaking, it’s dumb. Rather than spend $30, maybe $60 on a cab, you end up shelling out at least a grand when it’s all said and done. That’s if you’re an average citizen. But for all these filthy rich celebrities, who seem to be racking up DUI’s faster than STD’s, it’s completely off the charts stupid. Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Jerry Buss, and the entire roster of the Cincinnati Bengals’ must be some of the biggest morons on the planet.

Hire a goddamn driver, you idiots. Gibson made over $300 mil on Passion, the guy has his own Church on his estate. Why the hell was he even out driving himself that night? Hell, why does he even need to go out? I’ve seen “Cribs,” these people have entire bars and even nightclubs in their homes.

I heard that Lindsay does have a driver, as I’m sure the others do as well, but it was 4am so the driver wasn’t on duty and she was on a run to get some blow. That’s just dumb on so many levels. If you’re her dealer, do you really want her running over to pick up some candy? It’s not as if she’s ever followed by oh, 30 photographers. That’s a good way to stay under the radar. Have your picture taken as you sell a celeb coke. Why isn’t there some gopher, running between her and George Jung? Driver off duty? This dumb broad has a $10,000 cell phone, not bill, the phone itself is ten grand. She can afford to pay a driver some overtime, or even hire a driver just for the hours of 1am and 6am.

Dumbass Paris Hilton is going to do a little time for driving without a license. She doesn’t need to drive! Hell, she’s a target when she’s on the road. I’d love to get rear ended by her in her Bentley, (cure rear end her joke) we’re talking about a nice pay day. Then again, no one ever said these people were smart.

TGIH

I haven’t posted much this week, okay I haven’t posted at all this week. Call it writers block, laziness or blame the pollen count. I really don’t know why, but I just haven’t had anything to say. Anyway, let’s get to it.

The last episode of “The Sopranos” was the best of the year so far. As much as I hear people expressing their disappointment with the show over the past few seasons, it’s still some of the best television. It just set the bar so high. Basically, it’s like comparing Goodfellas to The Godfather. Goodfellas is a fantastic movie, and it stands on its own merit. But if you compare it The Godfather, it’s a let down. Michael Jordan was still scoring 20 points a game at the end of his career, very solid right? But nothing like the Mike that dropped 30 points a game and defied gravity while changing the way basketball is played. “The Sopranos” changed TV, and it’s still one of the best shows on.

Had there never been “The Sopranos” I’d bet my paycheck that we never would have had shows like: Entourage, Weeds, The Shield, Rescue Me, 24, or Six Feet Under. Before “The Sopranos” made its debut, the best dramas were either about cops or Doc’s. Drama meant either saving a life, getting married, breaking up, or nailing the bad guy. Tony made our hero a more flawed, conflicted and realistic man. So what that he happened to be a sociopath.

Just as if we never had Jordan, we would never have LeBron, Kobe or Kevin Garnett. Hmm, let me see if I can find something women can better understand. Had there never been Mary Tyler Moore, you never would have had Rachel Green or Carrie Bradshaw. I think that works.

Anyway, back to T and the gang. I was actually impressed by AJ in the last episode, even though I was kind of hoping he’d be successful in his attempt. A guy I know has a theory for how the show will end, one I like so much that I’m bummed that I didn’t think of it. He thinks that Tony is going to hand over the Arab guys to the FBI, and go into the Witness Relocation Program. That would leave the door open for a movie later on. However, it isn’t really the big climatic ending everyone is expecting. Then again, the past few years haven’t had anything big really happen. Tony gets shot, but he’s fine. Junior doesn’t get whacked. And even when Christopher meets his maker, it’s very subdued. I’m picking this as the second most likely ending.

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I heard this story on the news a few nights ago about some kid being arrested for plotting to set of bomb or bombs at the funeral of Jerry Falwell. My first thought was, well he’s a little late. Then the newscaster said that it was to keep protestors from being a distraction, and that the 19 year old mastermind was a student at Falwell’s Liberty University. Well, that’s just beautiful. How it made sense to him, I’ll never know. A bomb to prevent distractions? From what I know about bombs, they tend to be a bit of a distraction. Something about loud noises, explosions, death and carnage just seems to give everyone ADD. Now I don’t think it’s necessarily right for one person to represent an entire group, be it a race, religion or student body at one particular university, but I’ll make an exception in this case with Liberty University.

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I’ve never watched “The View” and I’ve never really paid attention to all these controversies that Rosie O’Donnell keeps finding herself smack dab in the middle of. They get so big you can’t help but hear some of the details, but I never gave a rats ass about it. This is important to know, because yesterday I read about Rosie getting into a verbal sparring match on the show this week. I was bored enough that I read the details, and then after that I had to watch a clip of it. We’re talking pure entertainment. She got into it with this little cute blonde Republican, Elisabeth Hasselbeck. (Why is it all female republicans, are cute blondes? And big surprise, she’s an NFL quarterbacks wife)

So big, fat, lesbian Rosie (hey that’s what she called herself) starts a fight because she felt she wasn’t defended by her “friend” Elisabeth. Never mind that she chose to be friends with someone who misspells her own name, she totally attacked her. And I hate taking sides with any Republican, but this girl not only held her own, but she was in right. I think she should celebrate Brandi Chastain style.



There you go. About a weeks worth of posting in one serving.

One Question and Good News

I was just talking with a friend who tried to download a game for his brand new Motorla Q, and the game didn’t work. Or as he put it, “I downloaded this game and the fucking phone didn’t work.”

Which lead me to this question, what gets the “fucking?” Should it be the phone or the game? He isn’t sure which is messing up, so until he knows shouldn’t it be a, “fucking game didn’t work on my fucking phone?”

Who do I see to get a ruling on this?

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Wow, good news. Good fucking news. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino have signed on to do another movie together. http://www.variety.com/VR1117965130.html

They are also in talks to lend their voices to the video game version of the masterpiece, Heat.

Peace Out Jer

In response to 9/11 – “I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.”

On religion and politics – “The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.”

He likened gay marriage to slavery – “And the fact that John Kerry would not support a federal marriage amendment [prohibiting gay marriage], it equates in our minds as someone 150 years ago saying I'm personally opposed to slavery, but if my neighbor wants to own one or two that's OK. We don't buy that.”

These are some of the comments made by Jerry Falwell over the years, and you thought I wasn’t going to mention his death? Doubt it. Falwell was nothing but a hate monger who hid behind God. To be honest, I see very little difference between him and Bin Laden. They both use religion and their interpretations of the bible to spread their extremist philosophies. He may not have orchestrated anything on the scale of 9/11, but he sure encouraged President Bush to kill and do so in the name of the Lord, “You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President — chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord.”

This is a guy that said, “His message of peace and reconciliation under almost all circumstances is simply incompatible with Christian teachings as I interpret them. This 'turn the other cheek' business is all well and good but it's not what Jesus fought and died for. What we need to do is take the battle to the Muslim heathens and do unto them before they do unto us,” about President Jimmy Carter.

And now he’s gone. Thank God. Just need Phelps and Robertson to join him soon. Yep, I said it. See ya in hell.

Hirp On...

Over the past few days I’ve done a little catching up on my movie watching by renting a couple I missed in the theatre. Not really sure why I missed both of these, because I really wanted to see them when they came out. Anyway, here is a little review of Bobby and Alpha Dog.

I started my catching up by watching Bobby over the weekend. First thing to catch my eye when I heard about this movie wasn’t the cast, it was the director. I had just been wondering what happened to Emilio Estevez. Not that I was ever a big fan of his, but with his family having a nice run of success it was just one of those “whatever happened to,” moments. And I had seen a preview once for a movie, The War At Home, which he wrote and directed back in the mid-90s. I think it’s a preview on a movie I own, because I some how remember seeing the preview pretty frequently but I can’t really place it. The Sheen/Estevez family is pretty remarkable. Martin really reintroduced himself to the public with “The West Wing,” and Charlie reinvented himself from former punch line to television star with “Two and a Half Men.” Well the preview always looked pretty solid, but I never heard anything about the actual movie.

So about a year ago I was playing on IMDB.com as I often do, when I came across Bobby. Okay fine, I’ll admit it, I was looking up Lindsay Lohan again. That’s when I saw the cast, and there aren’t many casts that are as impressive and diverse as Bobby. You have your always fantastic, top notch performers in William H. Macy, Laurence Fishburne, Helen Hunt, Martin Sheen and Anthony Hopkins. Then you have the tabloid favorites with Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and to a lesser extent Sharon Stone and Christian Slater. There’s the Will Smith’s heir-apparent, who suddenly stopped taking his career seriously in Nick Cannon. The one time, impressive and cute child actor turned Hobbit, Elijah Wood. Along with Shia LaBeouf, who is the new “it” actor of the moment. An intriguing cast without question, although nothing like the cast of The Departed.

So that director and cast, along with the fact that I’m a bit of a Kennedy fan made this a movie of interest for a multitude of reasons. And I must say, it was a very good movie. There were surprisingly strong performances by Lohan, Stone and Slater. Mostly Lohan, place on my top 10 aside, she actually had the chops. You’d expect her to over act and play a living cliché, but she was actually charming, vulnerable and very low key. More about Sharon Stone later and Slater is all the way back. If only Hollywood had more faith in him, or if he had more faith in himself perhaps, we could see a Robert Downey Jr., like return.

As for the movie itself, it’s really more about the 60’s than it is Bobby Kennedy personally. The hope, last glimmer of hope for a generation, he provided is what we see, and that isn’t at all what you’d expect to see. When you hear there’s a movie about Bobby Kennedy, you’re expecting it to examine him not the impact of his life. Estevez easily could have made a juicy, Hollywood tale of another Kennedy and it probably would have been an interesting movie. But this was much more personal, and linking all these random lives together through one man shows us what a leader is supposed to do.

It’s not a flawless, can’t miss movie. It can be a bit slow, predictable and preachy at times. But it’s definitely worth picking up at Blockbuster or through Netflix, but probably won’t ever find a spot in my personal collection.

Okay, this doesn’t really fit into a review but, it just hit me that Emilio used to be engaged to Demi Moore. How friggin’ bizarre is that chick? She hangs out with her husband and ex-husband, and appears with her idiot husband in a movie directed by another ex.

Last night I watched the true-crime flick, Alpha Dog. This is another movie I had an interest in long before it made it to theatres, and then some how I missed it. I can’t remember if it was MSNBC or which channel that I first saw the story of Jesse James Hollywood and the kidnapping and murder that the movie is based on, but it was a fascinating story that sounded more like a movie than an actual event.

Turns out it made for a pretty good, but probably coulda been better movie. Everyone was solid, but it still felt more like a “look, Justin Timberlake can do this too” vehicle than gritty crime-drama. And Justin did a very respectable job making and idiot, misguided, troubled punk a like-able sympathetic figure. Ironically, this is probably where the movie went wrong. His character wasn’t the “Alpha Dog,” and shouldn’t have had such a prominent role. That should have been Emile Hirsch, who reminds me a bit of Shia LaBeouf. He played the ringleader to these idiots, who could easily be the same group of dumbasses that I knew in high school. The wannabe thugs, that got in over their heads and made the jump from wannabe’s to full fledged knuckleheads and criminals. So in other words, the guys that carjacked me. Only some how the real Jesse James Hollywood has eluded capture for years and made the FBI’s most wanted list, where as the guys I knew were all arrested within a couple of days.

Other notable performances were Ben Foster, a poor-man’s Ryan Gosling, and Sharon Stone who is on a little roll right now. For her to turn into a character actress now, and ditch the seductress role is a pretty ballsy move on her part. And this is her best work since Casino.

Something that stood out for me was the score, including songs by Tupac, Eminem, David Bowie, Citizen Cope and multiple songs by Kansas City’s own Tech N9ne (not that I’m a fan of his, but worth noting)

Sunday Recap

*Do not read unless you have watched this weeks Sopranos episode

Finally watched “The Sopranos,” and saw the event everyone was talking about. Before I get into that, I have funny little story to tell. I got to work this morning and asked my friend if he had seen it, he had so I told him about how I saw it online that “Tony killed Christopher,” and two women within ear shot simultaneously said “What?!” So um, err oops. Karmas a real bitch.

Anyway, I can’t say I was surprised that Christopher was off’ed. It was just too obvious that he was the greatest threat to Tony, so they gave him the spotlight the week before as a find send off. Which now leaves us back to wondering who and how, Tony will be brought down. We’re seeing more of AJ, and just how unscrewed he is. He seems fascinated with violence, but not exactly violent himself. He’s a complete follower, who I think could start feeling that he needs to make a name for himself. I could see how the pressure from his friends using his name, but his lack of action could lead him to reach for attention. Killing dad would get more than enough attention that he so craves. But he’s an idiot, and he’d totally screw up any attempt he might make on Tony. So he’s my long shot now. Phil and New York have become the “too obvious” choice, and we haven’t seen much of Bobby lately. I think we’re supposed to forget about that conflict, and I still believe that’s going to be the grand finale.

One thing has sat wrong with me though. In the previews for the final three episodes, they flashed through faces of all the major players. Only one face didn’t really fit the montage, Meadow. She hasn’t been heard from much, so she’s my wildcard. She’s that team that heads into the NCAA Tourney with little fan fare, but has all the pieces to make a real run at the title. If only everything can come together at the exact right time. And she doesn’t have Bill Self running the show.

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As for Entourage, I love the twist. The boys buying the rights to Medellin and producing a big budget flick will be a blast to watch. I’m thinking “Project Greenlight” only without Ben Affleck and Ari playing the role of Chris Moore. I wonder though, how the hell does Vince have any money? Seriously, between agent, manager, accountant, public relations, the cars and other toys, the house and his complete lack of money management skills there is simply no way he could have a dime to buy a pack of gum, let alone the rights to a movie. Someone much smarter than me, needs to break down his finances.

My next question is this: In the HBO Universe, how close did Johnny Drama come to running into Tony Soprano at the Grand Canyon? Couldn’t Drama play Christopher in the biopic he was undoubtedly working on prior to his death? He’s too old for the role of AJ, and Vince is too big of a name to play just a Captain and physically not big enough to play Tony.

HirpTV part Deux

A few years ago I sent a text to my cousin that’s a Lakers fan. The text said, “Wow, Kobe,” after he hit a game tying shot at the buzzer. My cousin responded that he was Tivo-ing the game, and I felt like a complete ass. He had planned his day around going home and watching the game, and my text ruined it all for him. I felt bad about it, but today I found out exactly what that feels like.

I didn’t watch The Sopranos last night, planned on watching it tonight. So this morning, instead of starting it off like every other Monday and recapping the episode with a friend, I immediately told him I hadn’t watched it yet. I proceeded with my morning, doing some work and occasionally checking email, as well as a few stops on the baseball message board on ESPN.com.

And then, fuck, it happened to me. Some little schmuck posted a thread with a title that gave away a major event from the show, I won’t say what it was incase you haven’t seen it yet. Suddenly I knew exactly how my cousin felt, and at the same time I remembered what it felt like to get kicked square in the nuts. It’s not a good feeling. I was being so careful to not find out.

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Shit, it’s official. NBC released their fall schedule for 2008, and Studio 60 isn’t on it. Directly or indirectly, this is going to lead to us having something as silly as Bingo on TV. Oops, too late.

HirpTV

Last night I was watching some television, shocking, and saw this commercial that just didn’t sit right with me. It was for some bottled Vitamin Water. The premise is that Boston Red Sox star and Chicago Bear star, David Ortiz and Brian Urlacher, are playing badminton, and they are so powerful and great because they drink this wonderful water, they are amazing badminton players. It seems to imply that it helps make them so powerful that they can hit a birdie (I paid attention during gym in 5th grade) with such force, that it can actually become lodged in their opponents’ leg.



Now why does this bother me so? Well, with all the talk of steroids in sports, and baseball specifically, its just stupid to be part of an ad campaign that is showing us the strength these guys get from something they put into their bodies. Even though its water, and nothing illegal, it’s just bad taste and poor judgment. This ranks right up there with the idiot move by former player, and the biggest name in baseball to actually test positive for steroid use, Rafeal Palmerio. See Mr. Palmeiro, testified in front of Congress in 2005 that he never used anything to enhance his performance. This was ironic because he was a pitchman for a little product you probably heard of, something called Viagra.

So we have two huge athletes, who have a cloud of suspicion over t heir heads as it is, selling a product by telling us it makes them stronger and better. Overall it’s a brilliant move by them, and the people at Vitamin Water, and while I’m talking about the folks at Vitamin Water, nice name fellas. That was clever, how long did it take to come up with “Vitamin Water”? I’d love to see a reenactment of that board meeting.

I also found the sickest, and most twisted show on television since “Caillou.” Another surprise, this was on MTV, formerly known as Music Television. Anyway, the show is “Scarred,” and all they do is show clips of people getting seriously fucked up injuries. Injuries that came from skateboarding and jumping down some stairs, only to land wrong and have a dude’s knee basically blow up, and a weightlifter who also managed to blow out his knee when a power squat goes awry.



This is the same network that brought us “Jackass” and was so sure to tell its viewers not to try these “stunts” at home, and now they are airing video of its viewers mangling their bodies. I vote that they just bring back “Yo! MTV Raps,” and maybe “Singled Out.”

All Apologies

This will sound like its sports related, but it really isn’t, so stay with me. This week Boston Red Sox pitcher, Curt Schilling, was on a radio show and said that Barry Bonds had admitted using steroids, cheating on his wife and cheating on his taxes. All three of those claims are false. So Schilling was blasted by everyone for his inaccuracies, and he deserved it. To his credit, Schilling then went on his blog the following day and apologized. Good for him, but not good enough after you read what else he said.

“I’d love to tell you I was ambushed, misquoted, misinterpreted, something other than what it was, but I wasn’t. I’m thinking that waking up at 8:30 am to do the weekly interview we do with WEEI is probably not the greatest format and if you heard the interview it’s not hard to realize that I’m usually awake about 30-45 seconds before it begins. That’s still no excuse or reason to say what I did, or even answer the question that was asked.”

I can’t tell you how much I hate it when someone makes an excuse, and then says they aren’t making excuses. There’s no bigger cop out, it’s cowardly. You screwed up, you’re apologizing and that’s great. If you want to make an excuse, do so, but don’t attach a disclaimer. Anyone that ever makes an excuse, and then says they aren’t making an excuse, should kiss my ass. Only not really kiss my ass, yet at the same time, kiss my ass.

Laced

Who wants to get rich with me? I’m looking to file a class action law suit, and I’m thinking it could be a huge settlement. We’re talking about a public safety issue, one that affects all of us and all of our children. Lives are being put at jeopardy, and without a reason or benefit to anyone. This isn’t about guns, seatbelts, abortion or people who TWD (text while driving). I’m talking about shoelaces, and their dangerous round design. What happened to the days when shoelaces were flat? They never came untied then. But now I see my own, as well as my friends, laces coming untied for no apparent reason.

Lives may have yet to been lost, but it’s only a matter of time. There was nothing wrong with the old design, and I see no benefit to these new round laces. Is it a fashion statement? I can’t see how it would be. If it is, what does it say? “I really hope I trip.” Well, I won’t stand for this. And if I’m not careful, that’ll be a literal statement. We’ve been lied to long enough; corporate America needs to start caring about the consumer again. Coffee comes with warnings now, cigarette packs tell us of their health risks, and casinos give us a phone number to call for help with a gambling addiction. Yet the shoe companies continue to show no regard for our safety or our wallets. The first Presidential Candidate to take up my cause will get my full support, unless of course it’s a Republican other than Rudy.

So, does anyone have a number for Jackie Chiles?

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I’ve spent about two weeks out of the last five house/dog sitting for various friends, and it’s not that I have a plethora of friends. (anytime I can use the word plethora, you can bet your ass I will) And my latest gig is about to come to an end, so I’m looking for more house sitting opportunities. Maybe this will be my reality TV show; I’ll just give up my apartment, put most of my possessions in storage, and spend a year house sitting. Cameras can watch me dig through dressers, put the milk back in the fridge with one drop left, charge up ridiculous amounts of adult movies and sit naked on my friends’ couches as I eye both the dog and a jar of peanut butter. Shit, I think I may have said too much.

No Joke

Guy goes to see his Doctor, and is told he has Pancreatic Cancer and is given a year or so to live. So he quits his job, decides to quit paying his mortgage and spends his final days spending. He buys nice cars, travels around the world. Then finds out he doesn’t actually have cancer, and that he in fact was suffering from non-fatal pancreatitis. So then he’s faced with losing his house and being broke. Waiting for the punch line? Well I’m sorry, but there isn’t one .This isn’t a joke, it’s a true story I heard on “Countdown with Keith Olberman” last night about a man in Norway.

Of course he’s suing, and I wouldn’t call it a frivolous suit by any means, but he does have to take some of the responsibility for the situation. And I don’t mean because he made the choice to not pay his bills, I’m healthy and I’d like to stop doing that. But he probably should have sought a second opinion, just a thought. But can you imagine being this guy? For two years you get yourself ready to die, you do all the things you’ve always wanted to do, and I imagine live exactly how you always wanted to. Talk about having nothing to lose? But also saying good-byes and thinking you’ll never do this or that again.

Then one day your doctor says, “hey um, we got good news and we got bad news. The good is, you’re going to live. Now the bad, you’re pretty much fucked in every other aspect. My bad, we’ll send you a bill.”

Sounds like a movie to me. Might even have to write it myself.

Sunday Recap

In college and even high school basketball, they have “Senior Night” It’s usually the last home game of the year, and they honor the seniors on the team before the game, as well as try to take them out of the game one at a time so they can each get their own final standing ovations from the crowd. It’s really pretty cool to see, and it’d be pretty neat if we all had something similar in our collective professions. Imagine getting sent home early on your last day, and everyone taking the time to show you some appreciation for your years of service. Well, they’re doing just that on “The Sopranos,” and it’s been a beautiful thing.

A different character has been given a great scene in each episode so far this year. Last week we had a powerful scene between Tony and Carmela, and this week they gave Michael Imperioli (Christopher) a fantastic scene in which he simply killed it, both literally and figuratively. I’ve never really loved Christopher, nor have I truly despised him, usually he just annoys me. But over the seasons, he has some of the best twists and turns of any character on the show. Watching him relapse, each time, has been almost like watching a friend relapse. I’ve actually heard myself begging that he put the drink down; his battle with his demons has been more powerful and realistic than an after school special.

If Vegas is taking odds on who will bring Tony down or kill him, the favorite has to be Christopher. The groundwork has all been laid and it makes perfect sense, and that’s why it won’t happen. It’s too neat and well packaged, so I’m leaning more to either AJ doing something stupid or Bobby along with Janet.

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As for Entourage, I think it was the best episode of the season to this point. Love watching Ari deal with Mrs. Ari, and his presence was lacking a bit in the previous episodes. I knew that some how he’d find his way back to Vince, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. Can’t say I’ll really miss Carla Gugino’s character, easy on the eyes as she was. I’d like to see Adam Goldberg pop up in a few more episodes, you can never have enough neurotic Jews in a show. It’s like you can never have too many guys who play defense on a basketball team, or (for the ladies reading) you can never have too many pairs of shoes.

It’s funny, on “Entourage” they talk about doing more movies that I’d really like to see than Hollywood actually produces. Medellin sounds great, as did Queens Blvd and the Ramones bio-pic. They’d have to be better than Next or Meet the Robinsons.

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Random thoughts:

One of the hot topics in this country is how to tighten up the borders, and keep illegals out. But every May 5th, White America celebrates a Mexican holiday just to have another reason to drink. That makes perfect sense.

Paris Hilton going to jail, now that’d be a reality TV show worth watching. Someone make this happen, please.

Sopranos

* if you haven't watched this past Sopranos episode, do not read this post.

Damn, it’s Thursday and I haven’t yet talked about last weeks “Sopranos” episode. Sorry about that. Well, not too much really happened. The whole thing between Tony and Hesh is just another situation to show us someone else who has motive to either turn on Tony or have him killed. I always liked Hesh, not just because he’s fellow a member of the tribe, but he just seems like the cool grandfather. I’d hate for Tony to have to clip him, but loaning a gangster with a gambling problem 200k isn’t the wisest of moves. Which is the beauty of the situation, it shows us how charming and frightening the mob can be all at once. There’s really no way he could have turned down Tony’s request, and he can only rely on the word of a criminal to get his money back.

Quick recap of the possible traitors and their reasons:

Bobby Bacala- Had the throw down with T and kicked his ass, then T had him “pop his cherry” in Canada, and he dropped his gun and left part of his shirt in the dead guy’s hand. Not to mention his lovely wife Janice, would love for her guy to be the Don. Has reason to either whack T, or turn on him.

Janice- Could kill Tony to stick up for her husband, and then play Hilary Clinton as First Lady of the Mob. Plus Tony’s mudda and uncle have both tried to kill him, so it makes sense that his bitch of a sister would try too. The Sopranos put the “fun” in dysfunctional.

Christopher- Probably still upset that they had to off his girlfriend, and really doesn’t seem to have an interest in being in “the life” any more. Would rather go Hollywood, and there’s plenty of tension between he and Tony. He can’t really rat on him, go underground and still make it in Hollywood. But he could go Henry Hill on him.

Paulie- A motor mouth who will never rat, you can bet on that. The actor that plays him, Tony Siciro, actually made David Chase promise that he would never rat on anyone in the show. Siciro, reportedly was involved in some mob activities before going into acting.

Carmela- Hates the fact that “life is still like this, even at our age.” And what do they say about a woman scorned? She’s been cheated on for years and fears for her financial future.

AJ- He’s just a shit head. The fact that he’s been as big of a role this season as he has, is the biggest mistake they’ve made. Make Meadow part of the story line, she can at least act a little and is easy on the eyes. He could try and do something to Tony, but he can’t do anything right.

Phil Leotardo- Too obvious, but still has to be mentioned.

Random

• Ring back tones are popular now with cell phones, and I’ve had a few in the past few months for different people. Some James Blunt, some fart sounds, and “Take Me Out To the Ball Game” for starters. But today I thought of the next ring back tone for me. It’s simple, and genius, a busy signal. I think that would be absolutely hysterical. You call me, you get a busy signal and before you can hang up, I answer. This would entertain me for at least two weeks.

• For lunch today, we went to Italian D to scarf down a couple of slices. While eating, my friend and I witnessed a woman eating her pizza in the oddest of ways. It wasn’t just that she wasn’t folding it, but she was using a fork to help hold up the entire piece as she ate it. Personally, I think they should have given her money back to her and told her to get out. There are right and wrong ways to do some things, and eating pizza the right way should be something everyone knows. Those that don’t know shouldn’t get to eat it. Not real pizza anyway, let them have Pizza Hut or Papa John’s. Fold your pizza, and don’t ever take a napkin to it to soak up the grease, I don’t know how else to say it.

• I guess there was some march yesterday for Illegal aliens, and this has to rank up there as one of the biggest “duh” moments in recent memory. Let me see if I understand this, we have like a million people gathering and advertising to the world that they aren’t here legally right? Um, scoop ‘em all up or just make them legal already. If you aren’t going to do something when they are rounding themselves up, you might as well make them citizens. In fact, we should put them in office if they are that well organized.

ADD Post

Wow, it’s going to be a long day. I forgot to take my Ritalin this morning, and I’ve been at work for about 40 minutes and I can already tell I’m totally screwed. I’ve started a Sports Guy column and read about half of it, I checked about three baseball box scores instead of all of them, and I think I’ve restarted the same song on my iPod four times. Seriously, this is me working without Ritalin. It aint pretty, and to be honest I’m a little worried about how this post will turn out. I could see myself just moving on to something else mid…..wait, where was I? Oh yeah, mid-sentence.

This reminds me of something I wanted to mention last week. I went to the pharmacy to get my script filled, and I have new insurance. Well, the pharmacist tells me that this company must not really believe adults have ADD because they want “prior authorization” from my doctor that I do in fact, really need this medication. Um, isn’t that pretty obvious? You know, that’s the doctor that wrote me the fucking script in the first place. Now they have to say, “I’m serious, he needs this.” This is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long time. Why exactly do they think my doctor wrote the prescription?

Okay, back to reading Sports Guy. I’ll finish my post in a few. Man I feel like playing Playstation now.

Apparently the NBA Playoffs are going on, I hate you Isiah Thomas. I like the NBA, but there’s no reason the Playoffs should last two months. Professional athletes shouldn’t need a day off in between games. If they do, I should get every other day off too.

I guess Bon Jovi is going to be on Idol tonight. Is it safe to have that much Aqua Net under one roof? Is it ironic that Fox is making boat loads of cash off the gayest show in the history of television? And they give to charity?? Shouldn’t Bill O’Reilly spontaneously combust? Sorry, but straight men don’t do karaoke. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course not.

Okay, so I ran home to take my meds. It’s nice living close to work. If only I could find a way to go home for a daily nap.

Hirplings

“April 29th was power to the people, and we might just see a sequel,” rapped Ice Cube in Wicked. Not even one of my favorite songs by Cube, but I remember that line and in result I remember that April 29th is the anniversary of the riots that took place after the police were acquitted of beating the hell out of Rodney King. That came out in ’92, at the height of my rap listening days and the fact that I still remember it speaks to the power of hip hop.

15 years and how much has changed? Some cops were just charged with killing an 88 year old woman in Atlanta. We had the famed “41 shots” case in New York City. The mother of the Notorious BIG is suing the city of Los Angeles for wrongful death for a second time, the first was declared a mistrial when it was discovered that a police detective had intentionally hid statements from a jailhouse snitch linking the accused cops to the killing. Cube was right, we might just see a sequel. As hip hop comes under fire for its controversial content, its warnings are ignored. It’s eerily similar to how we missed the warnings of a large scale terrorist attack pre-9/11.

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Over the weekend I watched a cultural phenomenon that most people my age have never heard of. High School Musical, that’s right you bastards, I watched it and I’m man enough to admit it. Hey, these are the things you do when you’re hanging out with a 5, sorry, 5 ½ year old. And you know what? It wasn’t awful. I mean its bad, it’s cheesy and I hope kids aren’t expecting high school to be anything like they portrayed it to be. But for kids, it’s actually a good little movie. They get popular sounding music, and more importantly you don’t have to worry about the lyrical content as you do with pop music on the radio.

Two things were very clear to me while viewing this movie: First, this is what the Backdoor Boys and N’sync and all those pop gum artists of the late 90’s should have been doing. Two, this is where American Idol contestants should end up, especially that annoying Sanjay and his hair.

Sickening

I just threw up in my mouth. All Sunday night I was sick with some 24 hour bug or something, but I just read something that made me sicker than I’ve ever been. A 27 year-old man was convicted of raping AND impregnating a 9 year old girl. He admitted to raping her once or twice a week for a year. For this he got 25 years in prison. It doesn’t really matter what he got, they couldn’t ever give him enough time or punish him enough to even come close to smelling justice, let alone serving it. Oh and of course he apologized to the victim and her family, he said he wishes he could take it back. Fuck him. That girl and, to a lesser extent, everyone she knows are forever changed.

You could build a new prison, on top of him with just his ass sticking up out of the cement, and let every inmate take turns on his worthless ass and that still wouldn’t come close to being punishment enough. They could sit him in a room with the Gimp from Pulp Fiction, and that would be like a vacation compared to what he deserves. Usually I’d say let the girls father or uncles spend an eternity with that guy and any tools of torture you can think of, but that also wouldn’t be enough. If he were truly sorry, even just a little bit for what he did, he would kill himself in his cell, only to be brought back so he can do it again. And repeat the process for the next 25 years. That’s IF he’s even a little bit sorry. And I am a bleeding heart liberal, but he’s so far crossed the line that it’s a dot to him. They should parole whoever kills him in prison, hell name the prison after the man that does it.

I don’t know if she had to end the pregnancy or not, I imagine for her own safety that she did, but a 9 year old shouldn’t even have to spell abortion yet. Sex should be something she hears and doesn’t understand as her parents are watching primetime TV. Monsters are something she should just be finding out fake, not finding out first hand that they’re real, and scarier than in her worst nightmare.

Hirpasms

• I was watching this live on CNN online the other day and it sent chills up my spine, while watching it on YouTube last night I felt chills go up my spine three times. An honest, fearless and overall just perfect speech.

• It’s 1pm, and I’m done for the day. First, I really don’t have much work to do, and The Sports Guy is hosting a chat on Espn.com. My world pretty much stops when that happens. His column has one semi-regular feature that I’d kill for, and I know there’s nothing original about the premise, but he has a mailbag. I would love to get and respond to emails about a smorgasbord of items. Personal, sports related movies, music, TV or whatever. In fact, at some point I might just start taking emails from friends and replying to them on here just to see how it feels. You’ve been warned.

• Is it just me or did Cho Seung-Hui sound just like Napoleon Dynamite?

• I’m really not trying to make Virginia Tech jokes, I swear, but can’t someone use this opportunity to explain to me what a Hokie is?

• Alec Baldwin, can you tell me the difference between “constantly” and “over and over again?” Heard the message he left his daughter? Shocker, Alec Baldwin is a psychopath. But you know what? I don’t agree with all the things he said, but it does sound like his daughter needed a good talking to, although it probably would be better if the whole world didn’t hear it. I just get the feeling that mommy dearest is behind this being leaked, and that makes her even worse than Baldwin. To sum it up, this kid is screwed. Are they taking bets in Vegas on when this kid ends up in either rehab or a hospital? 14? I’d pick the under. Mark my words, within two weeks we’ll see her hanging out with Paris Hilton. Alec, buy her some underwear asap.

• Will the Real Slim Shady please stand up?

• Fuck Chicago. Love the town, but they are now talking about building a new skyscraper that would be taller than the World Trade Center replacement, Freedom Tower. I know having the Sears Tower is a big point of pride for Chi-town, and they loved having the country’s tallest building, but c’mon. This is just tacky. And it won’t even be a part of the heart of Chicago’s sky line, it looks like a nail sticking out of the floor. http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/20/tallest.building.ap/index.html

• Some billionaire in China died, and she left all the cash to her fortune teller. I can’t help but wonder if the fortune teller was surprised or not.

Dumb Arses

Crime is bad. It’s bad for the economy, it’s bad for the kids, and it’s bad for a criminal. It’s just bad. But I can understand why some crimes are committed. What I don’t understand is stupid people who choose a life of crime. A buddy of mine just had his car stolen, in what started off as a pretty scary situation but has grown into another tale of Idiots in Crime. Here’s the scoop. His girlfriend borrowed his new SUV and took it to work. As she walked into her place of business, she was thrown to the floor and held at gunpoint as they waited for the time locks to expire so they could empty the safe.

As it turns out, that these morons had inside help. They had the combination to the alarm and a key to the store. But their help didn’t know about the time lock. So even though they had the safe combo, it was useless till a certain time. Instead of ducking out of there before anyone came in, they waited an hour so they could force the manager, my friends’ girlfriend, to open the safe. Next they took the SUV she came in for their getaway. So obviously, these idiots didn’t have a ride. I want to see video of how they planned this heist. I’m thinking it wasn’t as well thought out as the planning scene in Oceans 11.

“Now we have the codes for the alarm and safe, we have a gun, and we know exactly what time someone will be showing up,” says idiot #1.

“Hey, think we need a car? You know, incase we don’t feel like walking away from the scene,” responds idiot #2.

Best of all, some how they decided against bringing their own car. So now they take this SUV, and the $1300 they scored from the safe and leave. In comes their co-conspirator later in the day, reporting for work as if all is normal. The police break her in a matter of minutes. And they found the car, a few blocks away from her boyfriends’ house. So I imagine these clowns will have some time to reflect on their stupidity. Perhaps write a book, “Sure Fire Ways to Get Caught.” Some one will buy it, and they could easily make more money off book sales than they could off this heist. Three people worked on this scheme, just to split $1300?! Seriously they should learn some basic poker theory, if you’re going to do the crime you have to have good pot odds. And always leave yourself outs.

Just hysterical. I've sent it out via email, but it's worth another look.

Might Sound Bad...

Okay, this is probably going to sound really tasteless. And I guess if it sounds tasteless, than it probably is, but I can’t help myself. See, I’m reading about the victims from Virginia Tech. I always feel its important to at least read about them, so they aren’t just numbers, and I know I won’t remember their names for more than a few minutes. But this always sits awkwardly with me, reading about how great they were. Really, it doesn’t matter which tragedy it is, the victims are always described the same.

"She really wanted to be able to help the poor people," and "gave himself 110 percent to everyone around him." And, "the kind of guy who makes you want to change your outlook in life." Were quotes I read about some of the victims, and I don’t doubt that they are true. And of course I’m not looking to read that someone thought of some victim as “a real asshole, he only cared about himself.”

Maybe I’m an asshole, but I’m just tired of those responses. They don’t tell me anything about the person, other than their friends thought kindly of them. Isn’t that what friends usually do? If they want to make it more personal for everyone reading, tell us a specific story. Shed some real light on what kind of person they were. What was on their iPod, or tell me a story about a night out with them. I don’t want to read quotes that are about as heartfelt as yearbook messages. Sorry, I just don’t.

And then I saw some quotes about how bright this kid or that kids future was. Well guess what, some of them were going to burn out and drop out of school. Was one going to save the world? Probably not. He might have ended up working at Barnes & Noble, and you know what, that’s just fine. It doesn’t make their death any more or less tragic. They may have ended up flipping burgers and taking out the trash, their loss would still be just as great. They were all probably going to end up working jobs they didn’t go to school for, trying to pay their rent or mortgage, having a few cocktails from time to time and living overwhelmingly normal lives. And it fucking sucks that they didn’t get that chance to live like the rest of us.

And So It Goes

Now don’t take this the wrong way, but so far I think the biggest tragedy with this massacre at Virginia Tech is the lack of a reaction, at least for me. I think I, along with many others, have become numb to this kind of senseless violence. The fact is, this is only big news because it’s the claimed the most victims, which likens it to a sports record being broken more than 33 lives being lost. When Columbine happened we all stood up and took notice. I couldn’t turn off the television, I had to see every interview and hear every story. That was the second time I felt the need to get online and jot down my feelings, before they called it blogging. (Click here)

As a country, we aren’t shocked by this any longer and that’s just unacceptable. We’ve come to the realization that “these things happen,” when we should be equally outraged, confused and scared every single time it happens. Maybe as more details are discovered, we’ll find it as disturbing as we should. But I think we’ll be distracted from the personal stories, the ones we should all listen to, by the unavoidable debates that will arise. Mainly gun control and Home Land Security, and you know what; I’d love to tackle gun control. That was my first instinct today when I started thinking about this post. But I’m not going to do it. There may not seem like a better time, but I think there has to be. Maybe it’s tomorrow or next week, but today should be about the 33 who lost their lives, and the thousands at Virginia Tech who went through this. I’m just so tired of political agendas riding the coattails of actual tragedies.

As well as thinking about those at Columbine. I don’t need to look this up, I know that April 20th marks the anniversary of that dreadful day. And that got me to thinking, those kids we saw on television that day, either running for their lives or being interviewed around the clock, well those kids are grown up now. They are 22-26 now, which means some are still in school. And I can’t help but wonder if any of those high school kids ended up as college kids at Virginia Tech.

Mostly this scares me because I worry about my nieces, nephews and my friends’ kids. Supposed to worry about when they’ll first ditch school, or start smoking, or when they’ll first try alcohol or be offered drugs. That’s all scary, but those are the worries that we’re supposed to have. This isn’t just isn’t supposed to happen.

Imus and Tony

As expected, Don Imus was fired. Shocking it wasn’t. What has surprised me, is how the comments by this 67 year old white dude are some how related to hip hop. One of the common themes I’ve heard is that Imus used those words because hip hop made it acceptable. That some how a form of music I’m fairly certain he doesn’t listen to, has had such a huge impact on his vernacular. Sorry, but to borrow from hip hop, this is whack yo.

You want to know who or what is responsible for this grown man, going on the air and calling a women’s basketball team “nappy-headed ho’s?” Well, I’ll tell you. He is. It’s that easy. Even Jason Whitlock has point some of the blame at hip hop, and I can’t believe this. If we’re going to over analyze the situation, and look for the root cause, then fine, let’s do just that.

Say some how we find a connection to the words rappers use, okay fine. I’ve heard “nappy” and I’ve heard “ho’s” in a few songs, so I’ll pretend that Imus is often bumpin’ Snoop and 50 Cent, and some how he thought that since he heard them say that it would be okay if he did. Guess what, that still isn’t the root cause to all this. That’s just pointing the finger at the easiest target. But why not look deeper, try and figure out why rappers use those words? Oh, that’s just stupid talk. Rap music is obviously to blame for all the ills in the world. They like to drive Escalades ya know, so that’s why SUVs are so popular. And therefore, hip hop is why we are currently fighting a war in Iraq.

But to be fair, hip hop does have a strong track record of degrading women. I don’t disagree with the statement, nor do I find this as an attractive aspect of the music. But is hip hop alone in this? Hell no. Look at Hollywood, and at the television shows and movies they produce. Where are the movies and shows that put women in a positive light? “Desperate Housewives?” Does that really put women in a positive light? Even my favorite shows, “Entourage” and “The Sopranos” treat the majority of its female characters as either sex objects or weak victims. Of the five movies nominated for best picture last year, only The Queen had a woman as the central figure. How many of the previous Best Actress winners, were characters that had to overcome or survive a man? And how many movies in general, portray women in a positive light? But only rap music has an impact.

The fact that so many commercials and print ads we see, have women scantly clad and obviously selling sex to sell a product isn’t worth noting either I assume. But a rapper says bitch or ho, and he’s obviously calling all women that. And rappers have more influence over our society than anyone else. I understand that some of the outcry has been over Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton bringing such attention to Imus’ comments, and not doing the same when rappers use the same words. But that’s bullshit too. They’ve done that for years, way back to the days of 2 Live Crew. These stories don’t have the legs to last 20 years. Something else happens, and they move on. I promise that we won’t hear Jackson or Al talking about Imus 6 months from now.

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Now on a lighter side, here are a few thoughts on “The Sopranos.” If you haven’t watched the most recent episode yet, stop reading.

Just a couple possibilities I see:

Tony kills Christopher- after the movie, he obviously feels a little resentment to Chrissy. And airing family business in a movie is probably a slight violation of Omerta.

Tony lets Christopher get clipped- Phil is still mad as hell about his brother being killed, and with Johnny Sack gone he no longer needs to honor his word. But just killing Chris would spark a huge war between NY and Jersey, which is bad for business and T knows it.

Christopher rats on T- fearing for his life, as well as wanting out of the life so he can continue to pursue movies and care for his new family.

Is it Sunday night yet?