I still stand by my claim, that nothing really surprises me anymore. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to being floored. This past weekend I was called, “daddy,” and in the most G-rated way possible. I had thought about the possibility of my soon to be step-daughter using that word on me, but I didn’t really think it would happen. It’s the most flattering, yet terrifying word she could utter. And I never took to the time to Google how I should handle the situation. Truth be told, I kinda wish I could be “daddy” but, she has a father and it’s his right to be the only dad in her life and I have zero interest in getting between them or doing anything to undermine their relationship. I’m not sure how to make her understand this, and I pride myself on being able to talk to kids, but maybe that’s just because I can look them in the eye without bending down.
***
I very much dislike the feeling of sitting on a cold toilet. I’m sure there have been some studies that have concluded the shock to one’s body from sitting on a cold toilet seat is on par with brain freeze. But to sit on a warm toilet seat has to be one of the most disgusting things a human can legally be put through.
***
The on going debate in our home has been; which is the correct way to stir. The lady stirs clockwise, citing the earth’s rotation and professional mixers as evidence that her way is correct. Other evidence introduced is the fact that her mother and grandmother also subscribe to the clockwise motion. Now I stir counter-clockwise, also known as the “correct way.” It just makes more sense. How do you draw a circle or write the letter “O”? You use the counter-clockwise motion of course, unless you’re left-handed, but then you don’t really count as a person anyway. You just pull the spoon, or whatever utensil you may be using, towards your body. It’s more economical, and although I have no proof, I’m sure it’s also more effective. So powers at be, I ask you, please offer a grant so that some University can research this matter and officially back me up on this.
***
Now I’ve been working the same job for a little over a year now. And when people ask me what I do, I’m able to give them my title “Program/Project Manager” and a broad explanation of what it is that I do here. It isn’t that I don’t want to get into it. No, I really don’t know. It’s starting to bother me, and I’m getting more and more stressed by this fact. It won’t be long till I actually do something about it, like you know, try and learn my job. But if they’re gonna find out and fire me, I just hope it’s after the wedding. You can’t fire someone whose planning a wedding, can you? That’s one tier below firing a pregnant woman.
***
Speaking of work, I was recently assigned a new project. So I was starting to stress about it, so much in fact that I didn’t sleep well. So poorly in fact, that I woke up at 4am. So awake in fact, that I drove my ass to work at 5:30 so I could start working on the project. It actually went better than I expected. And I really don’t hate going in that early, it’s a lot easier for me to go in early than it is to stay late. I spend the entire day with one eye on the clock, waiting for the time where I improperly shut off my laptop, grab my shit and head for the door. Just so I can get home and hit the couch, but I move like I have a real purpose. So needless to say, last night I was tired as hell. And that’s a dangerous cycle to mess around with. I really don’t want to start coming to work at 5:30. Leaving the house at 6:45, as I normally do, is early enough.
***
So I was reading a story about this little girl in Texas. Her body was found, and for months they didn’t know who she was. Well they found out who did it and arrested her mother and father, if that isn’t losing a couple of terms loosely then I don’t know what is. Anyway, this won’t sound right but stay with me. It isn’t that I can accept when a parent snaps, and does something awful and it results in the death of their child, but I can somewhat understand it. Something snapped, they obviously weren’t equipped to handle having a child and they fucked up and did something horrible. I can understand that to some extent, but to torture a kid like these sick fucks did? It’s beyond twisted. On the totem pole of pieces of shit, the parent that snaps and kills their child is at the bottom. But parents like these? They deserve their very own totem pole. Even though I don’t believe in it, I hope there is a hell, just so they can go there.
November 28, 2007
November 19, 2007
Case of the Mondays
Whoever designed the packaging for children’s toys needs to be tied down, and have their toenails ripped out one by one while listening to Billy Ray Cyrus’ Greatest Hits. This weekend was my first stab at hosting a birthday party for a kid. Kids literally salivate at opening a new toy, and these sadistic bastards make it a 30 minute process which leaves little pieces of box, ties and tape scattered throughout your home for you to find over the next 4-5 months.
Used to be my trick too, I used to give my nieces, nephews and my friends kids gifts with tons of little pieces. It was hysterical to me, now it’s not funny. Sure I had it coming, but wait till I get your 10 year-old a subscription to Playboy. Or share with them the secrets of sneaking out. Let’s see how you like it when I let your kids listen to my entire Tupac catalog. Wonda why they call ya bitch, great song for a 7 year old to learn. It’s an evil game, and I never should have done it. But that was my gig, try and make me pay for it, and I’ll spend my life one upping you. I have that kind of time. As long as my wife says I do.
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Saw American Gangster over the weekend. Quality flick, fell a little short of meeting my expectations, but worth seeing and owning. Denzel should shelve the good guy and Detective roles for a while; he really plays a great bad guy. Josh Brolin, in a role that seemed tailor made for Ray Liotta, did some scene stealing. I don’t think I’ve liked him since Goonies.
Used to be my trick too, I used to give my nieces, nephews and my friends kids gifts with tons of little pieces. It was hysterical to me, now it’s not funny. Sure I had it coming, but wait till I get your 10 year-old a subscription to Playboy. Or share with them the secrets of sneaking out. Let’s see how you like it when I let your kids listen to my entire Tupac catalog. Wonda why they call ya bitch, great song for a 7 year old to learn. It’s an evil game, and I never should have done it. But that was my gig, try and make me pay for it, and I’ll spend my life one upping you. I have that kind of time. As long as my wife says I do.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saw American Gangster over the weekend. Quality flick, fell a little short of meeting my expectations, but worth seeing and owning. Denzel should shelve the good guy and Detective roles for a while; he really plays a great bad guy. Josh Brolin, in a role that seemed tailor made for Ray Liotta, did some scene stealing. I don’t think I’ve liked him since Goonies.
November 12, 2007
Childs Play
As a kid, I was never a huge fan of animated movies. I loved my Saturday Morning Cartoons, but the typical Disney movies didn’t interest me. Not until I took my niece and nephew to their first movie, The Lion King. That movie kicked ass. Since then, while I haven’t made an effort to see all the kid movies, I’ve seen most of the big ones. And they have been some of the most creative and entertaining movies of the past 15 years.
So yesterday I went with the wife-to-be, the kid and some friends to see Bee Movie, for which I was really looking forward to seeing. And it didn’t disappoint. It’s great to see Jerry Seinfeld doing something again, and he’s a genius for taking so long after his show went off the air to get back in the spotlight. And even a greater genius for taking this route. He knows and we know, he’s no great actor. So he didn’t try to reinvent the wheel with this, he just tried to entertain us and the kids.
And the cast is nothing short of impressive. Matthew Broderick, Renee Zellwegger, Chris Rock, Larry Miller, John Goodman, Oprah (I didn’t realize it till I imdb’d it) Megan Mullally, Rip Torn, Michael Richards (which makes it almost like career rehab) Larry King, Sting and Ray Liotta (three of the more interesting cameos you’ll see). I can’t skip the animation staple, Patrick Warburton, formerly known as Puddy from “Seinfeld.” This guy has been in almost every kids movie and show your kid has seen. You know the voice; you heard it in The Emperor’s New Groove, “Buzz Lightyear of Star Command”, Kim Possible, “The Tick,” Chicken Little and now you see him in the very under-rated “Rules of Engagement.”
So check it out, and also rent Surf’s Up. Yeah, I don’t see myself growing up anytime soon. I think being of the stature that I am, helps me get away with being a 30 year old kid.
The movie wasn’t the extent of my child like weekend. There was the birthday party, of which most of my readers were also in attendance. This place, My Gym, fantastic. Never mind the kids, I want to go run around and play. It was like “American Gladiators” out there, complete with a round of joust. This should be available to adults; it’d be a great “Team building activity” and an even better way to whoop your bosses’ ass without getting canned.
For a while, I made a real effort to kind of watch my language on here. But now that more and more of my posts deal with family related activities, I feel compelled to drop a few “fucks” or “shits” from time to time, its hard to maintain one’s edge when talking about weddings, animation and birthday parties. However, it’s pretty easy to say “fuck” when a kid is being a world class shit.
So yesterday I went with the wife-to-be, the kid and some friends to see Bee Movie, for which I was really looking forward to seeing. And it didn’t disappoint. It’s great to see Jerry Seinfeld doing something again, and he’s a genius for taking so long after his show went off the air to get back in the spotlight. And even a greater genius for taking this route. He knows and we know, he’s no great actor. So he didn’t try to reinvent the wheel with this, he just tried to entertain us and the kids.
And the cast is nothing short of impressive. Matthew Broderick, Renee Zellwegger, Chris Rock, Larry Miller, John Goodman, Oprah (I didn’t realize it till I imdb’d it) Megan Mullally, Rip Torn, Michael Richards (which makes it almost like career rehab) Larry King, Sting and Ray Liotta (three of the more interesting cameos you’ll see). I can’t skip the animation staple, Patrick Warburton, formerly known as Puddy from “Seinfeld.” This guy has been in almost every kids movie and show your kid has seen. You know the voice; you heard it in The Emperor’s New Groove, “Buzz Lightyear of Star Command”, Kim Possible, “The Tick,” Chicken Little and now you see him in the very under-rated “Rules of Engagement.”
So check it out, and also rent Surf’s Up. Yeah, I don’t see myself growing up anytime soon. I think being of the stature that I am, helps me get away with being a 30 year old kid.
The movie wasn’t the extent of my child like weekend. There was the birthday party, of which most of my readers were also in attendance. This place, My Gym, fantastic. Never mind the kids, I want to go run around and play. It was like “American Gladiators” out there, complete with a round of joust. This should be available to adults; it’d be a great “Team building activity” and an even better way to whoop your bosses’ ass without getting canned.
For a while, I made a real effort to kind of watch my language on here. But now that more and more of my posts deal with family related activities, I feel compelled to drop a few “fucks” or “shits” from time to time, its hard to maintain one’s edge when talking about weddings, animation and birthday parties. However, it’s pretty easy to say “fuck” when a kid is being a world class shit.
November 09, 2007
Ten Commandments
Police in Italy recently found the Mafia’s Ten Commandments, which of course I am obligated to post here.
First, the preamble:
“I swear to be faithful to Cosa Nostra. Should I betray, my flesh will burn.”
And now the 10 Commandments, never mind those 10 found atop a mountain:
1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.
2. Never look at the wives of friends
3. Never be seen with cops.
4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs
5. Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty – even if your wife’s about to give birth.
6. Appointments must absolutely be respected.
7. Wives must be treated with respect.
8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.
9. Money can not be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.
10. People can’t be part of Cosa Nostra
• Anyone who has a close relative in the police
• Anyone with a two-timing relative in the family
• Anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values
First, the preamble:
“I swear to be faithful to Cosa Nostra. Should I betray, my flesh will burn.”
And now the 10 Commandments, never mind those 10 found atop a mountain:
1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.
2. Never look at the wives of friends
3. Never be seen with cops.
4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs
5. Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty – even if your wife’s about to give birth.
6. Appointments must absolutely be respected.
7. Wives must be treated with respect.
8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.
9. Money can not be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.
10. People can’t be part of Cosa Nostra
• Anyone who has a close relative in the police
• Anyone with a two-timing relative in the family
• Anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values
November 08, 2007
I Care
So there was recently a story on ABC News that I viewed on yahoo, about the quality of eyewear you find at the large chains. Well, the story didn’t exactly make any exec’s very happy, and it probably didn’t make most customers very comfortable either. Well let me assure you, it was completely true. I made glasses for over 7 years, and I was responsible for more than a few pair of shitty glasses. A lot of the blame goes on me, but you get what you pay for. Not the customer, you paid out your ass in most cases, unless you knew me. But the company, they pay nothing and treat their employees like crap.
Here’s the situation, at one of the larger chains. You work in an environment where time is the motivator. The sales team promises customers eyewear the same day, even with in an hour. And if the lab fails to make them in that time, or fails a pair and needs to remake them, they are penalized financially as well as professionally. So passing an iffy pair of glasses pays better than putting an emphasis on quality. Add into the mix the fact that you’re not working with the best machines, you’re not given the time or means to adequately train nor allowed to properly staff the lab and you get what you pay for. Never mind that they are marking up the frames and lenses as much as 300% at even the cheapest stores, the lab guys only see money if their glasses are done on time and without having to fail a pair and start over.
So really, I’d suggest you take your glasses in and have them checked again. This doesn’t go for the friends I made glasses for, those standards were much higher than the company standards. But if you’re going in for a pair in the near future, I have a couple of suggestions:
• Don’t go in right before closing time. If you hit a restaurant right before the kitchen closes, do you think your meal isn’t rushed? Anyone that has been on their feet for 8 hours wants to get out of work as fast as possible.
• Go to more of a boutique, such as Romanelli Optix, which is a proud sponsor of FromTheHirp.com. Smaller boutiques take more time, and put more of an emphasis on quality. They simply can’t afford to treat customers like cattle. I send my own family and friends there now, and not just because the owners are friends. I know what goes on at the stores in the mall.
• Think of it like this, they are basically a pharmacy for your eyes. Do you feel more comfortable going to a pharmacist where you see 18 year old kids behind the counter, or well seasoned professionals who aren’t smoking weed or lighting small fires in the back of the store? True stories, and I might have taken part in the latter story. Maybe, I might have, once or twice…
Here’s the situation, at one of the larger chains. You work in an environment where time is the motivator. The sales team promises customers eyewear the same day, even with in an hour. And if the lab fails to make them in that time, or fails a pair and needs to remake them, they are penalized financially as well as professionally. So passing an iffy pair of glasses pays better than putting an emphasis on quality. Add into the mix the fact that you’re not working with the best machines, you’re not given the time or means to adequately train nor allowed to properly staff the lab and you get what you pay for. Never mind that they are marking up the frames and lenses as much as 300% at even the cheapest stores, the lab guys only see money if their glasses are done on time and without having to fail a pair and start over.
So really, I’d suggest you take your glasses in and have them checked again. This doesn’t go for the friends I made glasses for, those standards were much higher than the company standards. But if you’re going in for a pair in the near future, I have a couple of suggestions:
• Don’t go in right before closing time. If you hit a restaurant right before the kitchen closes, do you think your meal isn’t rushed? Anyone that has been on their feet for 8 hours wants to get out of work as fast as possible.
• Go to more of a boutique, such as Romanelli Optix, which is a proud sponsor of FromTheHirp.com. Smaller boutiques take more time, and put more of an emphasis on quality. They simply can’t afford to treat customers like cattle. I send my own family and friends there now, and not just because the owners are friends. I know what goes on at the stores in the mall.
• Think of it like this, they are basically a pharmacy for your eyes. Do you feel more comfortable going to a pharmacist where you see 18 year old kids behind the counter, or well seasoned professionals who aren’t smoking weed or lighting small fires in the back of the store? True stories, and I might have taken part in the latter story. Maybe, I might have, once or twice…
November 02, 2007
November Rant, Part I
• At what point will Christmas become a year round annoyance? I saw “holiday” decorations in various retail establishments before Halloween. Are we thinking 2011, or sooner?
• I never dress up for Halloween, but that doesn’t keep me from coming up with ideas for a costume if I ever were to do so. My all-time favorite has been “Jew-Pac,” even though I googled it once and found someone else had come up with the same idea. Asshole. But my idea for this year, is regional as well as original. I’d walk around with a golden parachute and a bag of money, about $55 million. That’s right, I’d be Gary Forsee. Wonder how that would have gone over at our office costume contest. Would I win, or get fired?
• Worst apology of the week: “My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a private phone conversation." He was on the right track, although he was full of shit, till he had to mention that it was a private phone conversation. Just a little something to make us feel bad for ease dropping? This is the guy who makes his money invading peoples homes, he’s a sensitive bitc-er..dog. Wonder how much help he’ll get from the community now, when he’s trying to catch a con. Best of all, he even said he didn’t want it coming out to the Enquirer that he was using such language and have that cost him his career. Oh the irony. And hey, get a friggin’ haircut, ass wipe.
Chapman: Don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore, whatever. It's not 'cause she's black. It's because we use the word "n_____" sometimes here. I'm not going to take a chance ever in life by losing everything I've worked for for 30 years for some f____ n_____ heard us say "n_____" and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine -- our career is over. I'm not taking that chance at all, never in life, never. Never. ... If Lyssa was dating a n_____, we would all say f___ you. And you know that. If Lyssa brought a black guy home ... It's not that they're black. It's none of that. It's that we use the word "n____." We don't mean "you f___ scum n_____ without a soul." We don't mean that s___, but America would think we're meaning that. And we're not taking a chance and losing everything we've got over a racial slur. Because our son goes with a girl like that, I can't do that, Tucker, you can't expect Garry, Bonnie, Cecily, all them young kids ... 'cause I'm in love for seven months, I ... f___ that. ... So I'll help you get another job, but you cannot work here unless you break up with her and she's out of your life. I can't handle that s___. I've got 'em in the parking lot trying to record us. I've got that girl saying she's going to wear a recorder. ...
The phrase, “never say never,” comes to mind.
• I never dress up for Halloween, but that doesn’t keep me from coming up with ideas for a costume if I ever were to do so. My all-time favorite has been “Jew-Pac,” even though I googled it once and found someone else had come up with the same idea. Asshole. But my idea for this year, is regional as well as original. I’d walk around with a golden parachute and a bag of money, about $55 million. That’s right, I’d be Gary Forsee. Wonder how that would have gone over at our office costume contest. Would I win, or get fired?
• Worst apology of the week: “My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a private phone conversation." He was on the right track, although he was full of shit, till he had to mention that it was a private phone conversation. Just a little something to make us feel bad for ease dropping? This is the guy who makes his money invading peoples homes, he’s a sensitive bitc-er..dog. Wonder how much help he’ll get from the community now, when he’s trying to catch a con. Best of all, he even said he didn’t want it coming out to the Enquirer that he was using such language and have that cost him his career. Oh the irony. And hey, get a friggin’ haircut, ass wipe.
Chapman: Don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore, whatever. It's not 'cause she's black. It's because we use the word "n_____" sometimes here. I'm not going to take a chance ever in life by losing everything I've worked for for 30 years for some f____ n_____ heard us say "n_____" and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine -- our career is over. I'm not taking that chance at all, never in life, never. Never. ... If Lyssa was dating a n_____, we would all say f___ you. And you know that. If Lyssa brought a black guy home ... It's not that they're black. It's none of that. It's that we use the word "n____." We don't mean "you f___ scum n_____ without a soul." We don't mean that s___, but America would think we're meaning that. And we're not taking a chance and losing everything we've got over a racial slur. Because our son goes with a girl like that, I can't do that, Tucker, you can't expect Garry, Bonnie, Cecily, all them young kids ... 'cause I'm in love for seven months, I ... f___ that. ... So I'll help you get another job, but you cannot work here unless you break up with her and she's out of your life. I can't handle that s___. I've got 'em in the parking lot trying to record us. I've got that girl saying she's going to wear a recorder. ...
The phrase, “never say never,” comes to mind.
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