Maul rats

So many of you know I've worked at the local mall for some time. Long enough to actually call it a sentence (I'm getting paroled real soon though) And in my time, I've come up with a few rules I'd like to see enforced.

First, it should be noted I like kids. Get along well with them, and they seem to like me. Parents trust me with their kids. Even after I make jokes about the soft spot on a babies head. But now that we have that out of the way, parents I need you to pay attention here. The mall, although known for mall walkers, isn't a good place to let lil Timmy learn how to walk. Especially during the hell, er, Christmas Season. It isn't cute that I have to be stuck behind you as you bark at your kid to hurry up. I see you pushing the stroller, pick Junior up and strap him in. And what goes through your head as you let him navigate the stairs? The lil booger fell down standing still. Do you really think the other 60 people who are in a mad dash, are entertained by the fact they are gonna be on those stairs for 10 minutes?

It's not just the parents with kids on the stairs that are trouble. Its those couples, or groups of teenagers walking side by side who think the staircase is 20 feet wide and act surprised when they meet up with someone going the other direction. Seriously, some time soon someone is gonna get a foot in the chest to get them out of the way. I'm not even joking a little bit.

The one positive thing about a mall, can be girl watching. Ah, but this gets tricky. In this day and age, most girls don't look their age. So you look forward to when school is in, so you can be pretty sure if you see a girl in the mall in the middle of the afternoon, that she is of age and works there. But lets be honest, there's more than a few who dropped out of school and now work full time. So they may not be 18. But I see that the same as Lebron James or Kevin Garnett skipping college. They just declared themselves eligible for the draft. Maybe not ready for the big leagues just yet but they have the body of a pro, just need to work on the fundamentals. A project if you will. I'm not condoning this, just as I don't think its wise for someone like Korleon Young to skip college. But it happens. Side note, this rule doesn't apply to my nieces, my friends daughters or my nieces friends. They aren't allowed to date or even talk to boys till they are either 35, or I'm dead. Whichever happens LAST.

Game on

So a few years back a friend and I kinda came up with this game to help pass the time at work. There's really no winner (not true, I win everytime.) So without further ado, here are the rules.

Take a movie you like that is atleast 15-20 years old. And recast it with todays actors. Not because you actually want to see these movies remade, there's no fad I'd rather see killed off faster than this one.

I'll go first.

The Godfather
Vito Corleone- Christopher Walken
Michael Corleone- Tough one for me, between Adrian Brody and Ed Norton, I'll pick Norton.
Sonny Corleone- Joaquin Phoenix
Tom Hagen- Jeremy Piven
Kay Adams- Charlize Theron
Connie- Jennifer Connely
Luca Brasi- Brad Gilbert
Moe Greene- Sean Penn

What a pisser

So I was watching The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch, and he was talking to KU alum, Bob Dole. Notice, we celebrate he's KU alum, yet ignore he's a republican. Anyway, they were talking about the fact that Bob was a pitchman for Viagra, and now DITKA is doing Levitra ads, so Donny comments that a guy has to be comfortable in his own skin to do those kind of commercials. So far, nothing funny I know. But he says this while wearing a purple shirt. A purple shit?! Okay, first thought. For wearing K States colors, Bob should have swung his lifeless arm with the pen, right into Donny's eye. Secondly. How comfortable in your skin do you have to be to wear purple anyway!? Call Vegas, tell them to put this on the book. Guy gets some wearing purple shirt vs guy gets some taking viagra. My money is on the viagra guy every time.

Best of 05

Still waiting to see some more flicks before the top 10 list comes out. So for now, I'm doing my pitch weekly-esque best of post. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not about to get all choked up about the end of this year. In fact, the sooner its over the better. But lets revist some highlights eh?

Best casino: Mandalay Bay
Best poker win: My first ever OST win, fittingly I knocked out Kendall after some heads up play
Best night of poker: Winning nearly $400 at Isle of Capri
Best purchase: IPod, followed by DVR
Best movie line: (tie) both from Wedding Crashers
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
and
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
Biggest guilty pleasure: Those damn Laguna Beach girls
Best TV show: Entourage
Best Pizza: Anthony's, thanks to the Sussmans for bring it out.
Best Trip: Vegas Baby!
Best Video game: World Series of Poker for XBox
Best story: Benjamin talking about his dad and I in a shower. That's all you get here. Want the whole story, you gotta ask.

2005 Playlist

So it's about that time. The year is winding down. Perfect time for top 10 lists to start popping up. And since there's still a few movies I need to see before I can make that list, I will start off with the Hirp 2005 Playlist. In no real order

1. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing Jack Johson
2. Home Marc Broussard
3. Oridinary People John Legend
4. Dear Summer Jay-Z
5. When I'm Gone Eminem
6. Heard 'Em Say Kanye West
7. Mr. Brightside The Killers
8. Till Kindome Comes Coldplay
9. It Wasn't You Nas feat. Lauryn Hill
10. We Aint The Game feat. Eminem
11.Dreamgirl Dave Matthews Band
12.Breathe Anna Nalik
13.Best of You Foo Fighters
14.Testify Common
15.Swing Away Rise Against


I'll start updating my blog more often. Just to quiet down Kdub. You'd think with new born twins he wouldn't have time to harass me. Ah but he makes time.

- If Raffy Palmerio, Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds and any other ball players actually have the balls to stand up and say they never "knowingly" took any steroids. Then I think I can say I never knowingly ate McDonalds.

- My buddy Bum is 100% right. T.O is bi-polar. Ironically the only person in the NFL that can save him and his career, is in Dallas. Coach Parcells. We no longer hear drama from either Terry Glenn or Keyshawn Johnson.

- If 50 Cent follows through on his threat of a beef with Dr. Dre his career will end faster than Ja Rules. Eminem will end it as fast as he started it. And this will happen.

- First it was the Red Sox, then the White Sox. And now I finally ended my losing streak by winning my first OST this past week. I don't read the bible. But if those three things aren't in there as signs of the apocalypse, it's time to go back and add a chapter.

- It's never real comforting when you check into a hotel and there's a sign telling you not to drink the tap water, and they hand you a flashlight.

- Hunting is not a sport. Nor a game. I overheard some guys talking about the opening of whatever hunting season recently. I always thought for something to be a game, both participants had to know they were playing.

- If you let someone ahead of you while driving, and they don't give the thank you wave, you have the option to shoot them in the knee.

- No movie over 3 hours not staring either Al Pacino or Robert De Niro, gets to have a DVD released with deleted scenes. In fact, the DVD should come with a feature where you as the viewer, get to pick scenes to delete

- If the alternate ending of Titanic doesn't include the boat not sinking, AND Leo strangling that whiney bitch, then it's just a waste of time. A lot of time. Not that it matters, never watching that movie again.

- Lauren/LC from Laguana Beach, must be on the cover of either Maxim or Stuff, every single month from now till she pulls a Lohan and turns into a walking skeleton.

- Any player who once played for the Mets, shall be referred to as "name" ex-Met. ie: Jason Isringhausen, ex-Met. For two reasons. I like it, and it'll bug the hell out of Mike. And that's always good fun for the entire family.

Cold Case

So the other night I'm watching this show on E! (no Kendall, it wasn't Taradise). A show that wasn't even about gossip, coked up actors, bad movies, or even Anna Nicole. Instead it was about serial killers. And who in their right mind can turn off something that entertaining? So what about this show separates it from the other 486 shown on A&E? Well, Timmy King. Name doesn't ring a bell like most victims names don't. But it was his initials that stood out to me. Saw them before. And the case they were talking about, a killer in the Detroit area in the 70s. Heard about that some where before too. Both in a novel by Glen something or other. (glenhirshberg.com)

This marked the first time I had seen or heard anything about these killings outside of Glens book. Usally its the other way around. I'll hear about something and then later on read about it. Or more often I'll hear about something, then check out the movie about it. So the next step was an obvious one. GOOGLE. Found very little about the case, which is surprising. Nearly 30 years later and a serial killer hasn't been caught? Isn't that what blogs are for? Seriously disturbed, obsessive compulsive who want to sound like experts on something. Not that I'd know or anything. And damnit, I've totally lost where I was going with this thanks to K-Dub. But let me leave you with this. Buy the book Snowman's Children and read it.

Have it your way

So here's something else that bugs me. Went into Burger King and I noticed something on their menu that baffles me. It seems pretty simple right, you want a beverage with that whopper but, what size do you want? So I ask for a small. No, sorry. They don't have a small. WHAT?! The choices, Medium, Large and Xtra-Large. How the hell does that make any sense, at all?! Really, someone explain this to me. You have the three options, isn't the cup that holds the least a small. Technically. Literally. It's the smallest they carry. But they call it a medium. What the hell is that? Doesn't medium pretty much mean in the middle? I even asked the kid at the cash register, and guess what. He didn't even understand the question. And I actually spoke slowly. He just kept saying, "we start at medium" So, I know our schools are failing. Now I know a few people from the marketing world who will probably be taking a look at this small corner of the web, hopefully they can shed some light on this issue for me. Cause I really can't afford to lose much more hair, especially over something as stupid as this.

"We kept our rep bro"

I should probably be writing about the night Kendall and I just had at Harrah's. But in all honestly, I don't remember enough of the hands with much detail. So I won't bore you with the few hands I do recall. I'll just say this. 4 hours, and together we won nearly $400. That's a quality Thursday night. Now onto the goods. I was recently reading a column by the Great Sports Guy on espn.com, in it he and another author went back and forth on a variety of topics. The one that has stuck with me is how fans choose teams to cheer for. Chuck Klosterman, the other guy, grew up in one of the Dakotas, and Mr Simmons asked him how he picked teams to cheer for since he grew up without any major league franchises. Klosterman went on to say how he never understood how fans only rooted for their local teams, and the same team forever. He put up a well thought out statement but c'mon, don't be such a wuss.

So anyway, one thing lead to another and now I'm wondering why fans in different regions, and fans of different teams can be so different from each other in how they support their teams. And one question that has always perplexed me is how do you move to another city, and just jump on board with your new "home team" I've lived in Kansas City now for 16+ years. And I simply can not get behind the Chiefs or Royals. Most people don't know this but, there was a time I actually tried. 8th grade, I went to a few Chiefs games, even wore a Chiefs hat (it was signed by Christian Okoye!) But I just couldn't do it. In fact I've done the complete opposite of rooting for the local team, I root against them. I can't put a reason into words. Is it the fans? To a point. But mostly I think its my way of remaining loyal to MY teams. Basically, I'm in a long distance relationship with them. (some of you know my history with long distance relationships) But going for the KC teams, that would just be finding a local girl out of convenience. I have no connection to these teams. Even if the players I first started to follow, are long gone from the NY teams. I simply can not turn my back on those teams.

Now I have this friend Mike, and in high school he was a die hard Arkansas Razorbacks fan. It made sense, his dad went there. Its the same reason I wear an Ohio U hat. But I never remember him giving a damn about KU. In fact, if I remember correctly, he disliked them. So Mike goes off to college at KU, and genuinely buys into the team. Quickly becoming a die hard fan. It made sense to me. It wasn't just to jump on the band wagon of a national power house. For starters, there were some good guys on the team that were easy to root for. And at the time, a beloved coach who was, at the time someone you just had to respect. Myself, I liked KU and I do root for them now. But I can't consider myself a big KU fan. Another buddy, Austin, through out middle school and high school the only teams I knew he really cared about were his Cubbies, the Bears, the Bulls and to a point he liked the Chiefs. Never really picked any specific college teams. But he hit KU, and now the Hawks are right next to the Cubs for him. Those were instances were I understood how these guys began rooting for a new team. But in many other cases, I just don't get it. (names are changed in this part) I know a fella, we'll call him..um..Derrick, born in Detroit. Moved to So Cal in his early teens. So he was old enough to understand loyalty. So years later, even after the Lakers and Pistons hooked up in the NBA Finals, this guy Derrick, ends up adopting the Lakers. This shit baffles me. I'm sorry, no disrespect to him but not only did you adopt your "new" home team. But this is a team that you watched your guys battle, with everything on the line. Sure the fact that the Lakers were a dynasty, and one of the all-time great franchises make the change appears like a pretty easy jump. But in my book, that's all the more reason to NOT make the switch. I just don't get it. And this isn't meant as a dig on Derrick, I welcome him to stop by and post a response.

So I totally went on much more than I meant to on that topic and will have to revisit the whole difference in fans across the country. I think I'll go recount my winnings and go to bed.

I'm baaaaaaack

Mark off bachelor party in Vegas from the list of things to do before I cash in all my chips. My buddy Roma, the Russian cat that is shorter than me, is getting married next month. And for his bachelor party a group of us hit Vegas for a long weekend.

The scene: THEhotel at Mandalay Bay
Suspects: Roma, Felix, Illya (Julio) Max, Mike and myself.
The Crime: Getting engaged
Punishment: See suspects.

That's pretty much all you get. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Unless you're Kendall and Starla, in that case what happens in Vegas spits up.

But on a serious note. I did have a good time, and I don't want to sound like a big baby (ma ma, wha, wha) cause I've been some great places and done some very cool things in my 28 years. Yet, in all honesty I can't remember a trip or a vacation that actually lived up to my expectations. It's probably my fault, for letting my imagination build things up to a point that is nearly impossible to live up to. Or some weird thing of being unable to fully relax. Anyway, check out the new photos. Should have some more soon.

http://www.kodakgallery.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?&collid=445413023106&page=1&sort_order=0

Picture page, picture page

Coming soon: Las Vegas 2005


Gregg has shared photos with you.
You're invited to view my online photos at the Gallery. Enjoy!
- Gregg


http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=ay3msx6.21ok4rbm&x=1&y=j8kn67
Questions? Visit http://www.kodakgallery.com/Help.jsp.

That porqchop kid kicks ass. Vote on your favorite hirp.com poster.

Time to weight in on the tragedy in New Orleans. I saw Kanye West's comments on W and although I was a little disappointed, I've seen him a lot more articulate before, he was right. George Bush doesn't care about black people. Neither does most of America for that matter. Now I'm not saying its some big conspiracy to rid the US of blacks. No, its much deeper in our subconscious. It comes down to this, if those faces we've been seeing on CNN all week were the pale, if they were white people down there not even holding onto life, just dying before our eyes. The government and the rest of the country would be down there in record time. When 9-11 happened, about 90% of the victims at Ground Zero were white, and a great number of them were upper middle class.

I do believe Bush, that we have the resources to fight both a war in Iraq and have troops deployed to help in New Orleans. But don't tell me it wouldn't be easier to help our own citizens with all those troops back home. Now imagine over there. You have a brave soldier who joined up after 9-11 to get those bastards. And he ends up in Iraq fighting the "axis of evil". And its some time later, we've already captured Saddam but we're doing the right thing. Instilling democracy in this poor country that's never known such freedoms. Never mind that "instilling democracy" makes about as much sense as saying Kobe was "instilling love" with that 19 year old in Colorado. So anyway, you find out your hometown has been pretty much washed away. And just as you're taking fire from some locals in Iraq for trying to help, so are the paramedic in Louisiana. The same paramedic who are trying to find your parents. But they can't have adequate security because there are some looters out there getting free Nikes. Now try to make sense of all that. As for the looters, I cant figure out whose priorities are more out of whack. The idiot stealing or those in charge who want to stop them. But if I were them and in the sporting goods store, put down the Jordan's. Go grab a wet suit. Lets not forget that a third of the police department abandoned post. Yes, there's still 2/3rds left and they are all brave souls and hero's. But the other third? Cowards. Now the citizens have been protected by these people for how long? Are they really wrong to not trust the police?
And what is this I hear about us having to review offers of help from other countries? And we wonder why the world hates us. The tsunami hit, and we were there. Quake rocks China, and we help. But we need help, and we have to do what, check references? This could actually help build relations with other countries. Let them help. We need it, they can offer it. Castro is offering doctors, and almost as fast as Bush did. Friggin let them come. The French are offering to send help. C'mon its a city without running water, no one will notice their stench.
It's funny to me. Everyone said how 9-11 brought out the best in us, and I agree. But this, this is bringing out the worst in us.

The thing about Doc

So there's a new kid in town. Name is Felix Hernadez, pitches up in Seattle. I've yet to see him pitch but everything I read mentions his name along side Doctor K's. 19 year old, with an arm that paints like Picasso. And every time I read about it, it's like a punch in the stomach. You can't understand unless you're a Met fan. No, I know every team has had some phenom who didn't reach his potential. But Doc was different, and still is.
Royals fans had Saberhagen, who had this quirky thing about having big seasons every other year. And sure he came up a young age, like Doc, and had great success early in his career. But his highs weren't as high, and his lows weren't nearly as low. Cub fans right now have Kerry Wood, but he's looking more like Sid Fernandez than Doc. Showed flashes of brilliance right away but never for an entire season, let alone his first 3 seasons. Sports Guy was right, the closest thing is LeBron. But not really. LeBron didn't win a MVP his second season, as Doc won the Cy Young. Then a title his third year? That's how great Doc was. What's so painful about it, is to see the career Roger Clemens has had. One of the best ever. Shoulda/coulda/woulda been Doc's career. Was it injuries? Or the drugs? Too much success too soon? Too much hype? Yes, it was all of that. And so many people like to bring up the drug use. I can't deny that it played a big part in ruining a great career. But this wasn't a selfish jerk like TO. Or a shameless self promoter like Sosa. Or someone who everyone thought was a big jerk like Bonds. He was this shy kid from Florida who said yes sir, and no sir. (well he could have said no a few more times) He just wasn't all that's wrong with sports. He was all that was right with it, but he just couldn't handle it. And the Mets of the mid 80s to the mid 90s, should/coulda/woulda been the Yankees of the past 12 years if Doc and Darryl had lived up to expectations. So now I hear about the new kid, the "next Doc" and if you know me, you know I love to throw around the term "the next" But I don't care to see the next, I'd like to rewind the clock. Before free agency went crazy. When teams brought up their own, and built around them. To when I was 8 years old and just started to love baseball. There was nothing but excitement about the future. The future of the game, and of my favorite players. This is why it stings so much to hear about the new kid on the block. Who will surely have a nice career, and when he's 22 he'll be shopping himself on the free agent market, probably to end up in NY with either the Yankees or the Mets just to tease us of what could have been some more.

A lil Free Poker

So tonight I decided to hit a free poker game at an area bar. Tune up my game if you will, before hitting Vegas next month.

The scene: The Roxy on 75th and Metcalf
The marks: Well, they all knew each other by name. All in all, 44 of how can I say this nicely, the biggest idiots I've ever played with. And one of them is a Met fan, and he was an idiot too.

How it went down: Well to start, theres some chick at my table who also works for the company that puts these games on. Some how she thinks that makes her the poker goddess of KC. I've never heard this much table talk since Starlas birthday game and I had to help teach a friend how to play. Example: First hand of the night, she flops a nut straight. Theres $200 in the pot from blinds, shes first to act. Bets $300. Everyone folds. She states thats how you play at the casino, not like how everyone slow plays at these games. I cant think of anyone I've ever played with that would make that play and think it was smart. Maybe a feeler bet. But to bet more than the pot? The worst she can do is split the pot. Now don't forget, she's a genius in her own mind. Later on I bet $200 with KJ suited preflop. Flop comes with crap, all low cards. So now I bet $500, and she puts on this big production of how she wants to call me cause she knows I'm full of it. Finally lays it down, then the last guy left also lays it down. She shows her A-10, so I showed my KJ. She tells me well, now she's got a read on me and info is worth more than few chips to her. Then proceeds to question my raise. Told her I'll play it the exact same next time. And I think she believed me.

Anyway, after that I just played pretty tight and saw other players get knocked out. Leading up to my biggest hand of the night. With the blinds $500-1000, I limp in with pocket 8s. There's 4 players left pre-flop. And the flop hits 8-8-K. Fargin quads. This guy bets $3000 into me, I acted like a 17 year old girl unsure if she should keep it or hit the clinic before I called. Turns a 7, he bets another $3000. um, yeah I guess I'll call. River? like a 4, some stupid card. What does he do? Yep, another $3000, so now I raise him the rest of my stack which is about $6500 and he calls. He had a king and a 5. Thought his Kings and 8s would hold up. That pretty much set me up.

Got lucky once, and it was at the end when we were heads up. Holding Jack 9, flops comes J-7-10. both check, turn comes 3. I got all in and he calls. Crap, he has Jack-3. Two pair. River comes and its a 7, split pot. At the time we had the same exact chip count. From there on out, I got great cards and pushed. Leading to my first place finish. I'm waiting to hear back from my agent, you know him. Arti Gold, to find out if PokerStars is gonna come correct.

XBox Poker update

Well it pains me to write this. But its time for an update to the XBox poker standings. Porqchop ended his drought last night and at one point ran off 3 straight W's. Myself on the other hand, reverted to form. 3 second place finishes and 3 third place finishes. While Gavin won 3 more. Currently Gavin has 8 W's, to Kendall and myself having 3 wins each. But as we all know, MU doesn't win titles, and neither can their alumni.

Xbox Live Poker Standings

Current Standings of the World Championship Poker XBox Live Poker League For Addicts: Gavin 4 1st place finishes, 2 2nd place finishes and 1 3rd place finsih; Gregg 3 1st place finishes, 3 2nd place finishes and 1 3rd and Kendall with 2 2nd place finishes and 5 3rd place finishes.

Top 10 List

This is something that made its rounds via email a few years ago but, it always a fun read. Feel free to add your own.

n response to my old friend Mike V's Top 10 list, which was done so well, I have compiled my own such list. I'm not promising a top 10 list of things I love in the future but I'll see what I can do

10. Songs that download at different volumes. Nothing can screw up a good mix cd, I illegally made than one song unexpectingly going up a 20 decibils over the previous. Just to be followed by a song that comes in no louder than a whisper.

9. The two or three seconds after a phone call gets dropped on my cell. Its not so much the fact that the I was disconnected, its that few seconds I'm talking to myself without knowing that I am doing so. Nothing makes me feel more like an idiot. And really, I say two or three seconds but its probably closer to five or six, I just hate to think I talk to myself that long without realizing.

8. Jokes about my eating habits. Look, chances are if you're talking about my eating, you've known about it for sometime. And you understand its not going to change in the near future. I'd rather hear a string or short bald jokes. You can be curious and ask me about it, cause shit, I know its weird. But the "Pizza again Gregg?" line, might get someone shot. And I'm not kidding. Okay, so I am..no, not really.

7. Woohoo's and high fives. I've been a long time sports fan, I still see no reason to ever yell woohoo and give someone a high five. And I can admit, theres not much worse than someone real pumped, getting a high five from someone whose not so enthused or into the high five. And the woohoo? What is that? Anyone heard yelling it, should get a knee to the gut. If I ever run for office, that will be part of my campain.

6. Chief fans. I'm sorry, I really havent been able to figure out excatly what it is about them that drives me nuts. The fact that so many of them still wear Zubaz? No, thats not enough. I have to take part of the blame here. I believe part of stems from my moving here and not wanting to, so cheering against them was a way of showing the town what I thought of it. And now thats in me, and not going to change. But dont discount the Zubaz affect.

5. Those dumb bumper stickers of some kid peeing on a ford, dodge or chevy logo. I know its just HAS to eat up the execs at foreign car companies that their customers arent so clever. How can anyone have such strong feelings about other car companies?? What about poverty, education, any of the other 9 things on this list? There has to be something better to put your energy into. Maybe shopping for a new pair of Zubaz? Getting your mullet cut? Finding out if your wife is or isnt a distant cousin?

4. The genius infront of me at the grocery store who isnt ready to pay. What, are you suprised that the cashier wants money? Were you hoping today you'd be the millionth customer and get everything free. C'mon! You knew this was coming up. It may not be on the cute list of things to buy you put on your palm pilot. But its the only thing that was a given to happen. Think ahead.

3. It was a coin flip between 3 and 4. But #3 goes to those that cause traffic jams in KC. The ones that know they have to get over to the left lane to head north, yet think that if they just stay in right lane longer, they can cut infront of the other 437 cars.
[

2. People who come in for eye glasses right before we close the lab, and want them in an hour. All I can about this, I wont go into a resturant right before close. You dont even want to know.

1. The word Fiance. Drives me insane. Look, its still your damn boyfriend/girlfriend. I dont care if he bought you a fake diamond or not. How about just using their name? I dont need to be introduced to another "my fiance Chip" He's just Chip. Thats the name his momma gave him. So unless his birth certificate says My Fiance Chip Johnson. Just call him Chip.<>

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Hello all,Earlier this week, some of you received an email from me regarding thisSaturday's KU-Missouri holy war, I mean, football game.In that email, I mentioned that on a list of the top ten things I hatein life, Missouri might be number one. That prompted a couple responsesfrom people requesting to see my Top Ten Things I Hate in Life list.So over the last 24 hours, I've hastily compiled this list. Next week, I'll send out my Top Ten Things I Love in Life list. But for now,without further ado, here's the list in reverse order..

Honorable Mention: The term "pet peeve", anything having to do with football stats, speed limits, having a runny nose, when your swim trunksstick when you get out of the pool, when I'm trying to merge on to afreeway and people don't get over, the Tar Heel Nation, mud on my shoes,Manhattan New York, Manhattan Kansas.

10: GREEN ONIONSThis is a food item that never belongs on my plate and is impossible tocompletely remove. Worse yet, some places (namely Applebee's and maybe even Chili's) put them in my mashed potatoes. At that point, thepotatoes become a lost cause. What a waste.

9: NFC EASTGiants, Redskins, Eagles, Cowboys. All overrated. Never any good.
Always on my tv.

8: HUMIDITYThe first of two weather-related phenomena on my top ten. I hate itwhen it's sticky.

7: SIDEWALK/HALLWAY DANCING
Nothing makes me feel more stupid than when there's indecision between me and somebody else when we are walking toward each other and we can't figure out which side of the sidewalk and/or hallway to walk. Both people end up swerving all over the place. If this happened in cars, we'd all be getting pulled over for breathilizers. I'm positive we need to go ahead and start painting a yellow line down the middle of hallsand sidewalks just like we do for roads and highways

.6: SPEED BUMPSI've travelled to almost every state in the union, and driven a car in many of those. Speed bumps certainly exist everywhere but nowhere like in North Carolina. I find speed bumps to be a restriction of myfreedom. And freedom is what America was built upon. When I'm drivingin to work late every morning, I like to make up time by driving 55 mphon that little hilly road that leads to the center of campus. Why can'tI do that? And I'm pretty sure those bumps are causing some seriousalignment problems for my car, even at 5 mph.

5: 1-PLYNot much explanation is necessary here except to say this is 2003 inAmerica. Why are we still even making 1-play toilet paper? Hasn'ttechnology made this product obsolete?

4: SUNBURNMany of you would expect me to rank this higher but I simply wouldrather deal with sunburn than items one through three on this list.


3: THE DMVFirst of all, the offices are so dated that it's like stepping into atime machine back to the 1960's. They don't take credit cards, theydon't take checks. They're not helpful. They don't believe a word yousay and your first trip to the DMV is never successful. You always haveto go at least twice because they always need more documentation thatyou are have proper insurance, registration or most mind-boggling ofall, more proof that you're a U.S. citizen. Next time I'm just going tobring the doctor from Stormont-Vail Hospital in Topeka, Kansas whodelivered me into this world back in 1978. Maybe he can vouch for me.

2: CHINESE FOOD
1: MISSOURIThe fans, the team, the band, the fact that they have someone play the electric guitar in their band, the arena, the town and the Antlers... I hate everything about Missouri. How can I best describe how much I hate Missouri? Well, I'd rather ... watch the Eagles-Redskins game while eating moo shoo chicken with a side of green onions, outdoors in 90degree heat with 90 degree humidity, accidently bumping into people in the hallway on my way to the bathroom to wipe my ass with 1-ply toilet paper in the bathroom at the DMV ... than become a Missouri Tiger. >Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

I'm baaaaaack. Well just about.

For those that never saw Hirp.com, check out these older sites: Always Remember Gregg's Spot Dreambook - hirp.com

The new hirp-com will most likely be a lot lighter. Thinking more along the lines of movie reviews, amusing rants and embarrassing stories about other people.