Hirp and the Hick

Damn you Kramer, damn you to WB Hell. Everyone got so focused, and rightfully so, on his meltdown, we missed the long awaited comeback of poster child for Foot in Mouth disease. But thanks to a column on ESPN.com by the Jeff Pearlman, the man who conducted the now infamous interview for SI, we have found Rocker again. And wouldn’t ya know it, he’s still a complete fucking moron.

Last we saw of him was a comeback attempt in the independent leagues that had him pitching out on Long Island. While there he found the strike zone about as often Ray Charles finds the light switch, or Dubya finds WMDs. So, he never made it back and some how found himself at a keyboard working on a book. Should be a real gem. And he took the time to sit down in New York City, along with his gorgeous black girlfriend, and be interviewed by deadspin.com (http://www.deadspin.com/sports/baseball/our-interview-with-john-rocker-221509.php )

Take a minute to read that and come back.

Okay, done? I’m trusting that you read it. And you probably need a moment to regain your composure. You may have laughed your ass off, or you may have punched a wall. Either response is completely understandable.

Now it’s time to nit-pick every thing the moron said. Let the games being:

When you guys walk down the street, and people see that you're John Rocker, do they say anything?

I don't ever make eye contact with people on the street. I've become like a New Yorker in that way. People want to say, "Hey, has John Rocker changed, has he turned over a new leaf?" I haven't changed at all. I don't understand why it's so hard for journalists to admit that I haven't changed; they were just wrong.

Okay, for starters John, you are like a New Yorker in one way. You’re loud, and you annoy pretty much anyone who isn’t like you. That’s it. Secondly, how do you start by saying you’ve “become” like something, then in the next sentence say you haven’t changed at all? Do you practice at contradicting yourself, or is just a natural skill?

Just to ask for the millionth time: Do you regret the interview? You didn't really pitch much after that.
If it would have been portrayed in the correct version, no. The way the sucker punch was done, yeah, it was horseshit. Every dark cloud has a sun behind it, though; there's a lot of things I can do now that I wouldn't have been able to do had it not been for that article. It's opened a lot of doors. I know a lot of players who had a lot better careers than me, but when they retired, you never see or hear from them again. For some reason, people still have interest in me. Without that article, I wouldn't be writing a book. When you go into a restaurant and the maitre'd says, "Come on in, sit down," that's when you don't mind it. When you're at Bungalow 8, and the bouncer won't let you in because he's Dominican, well, that's when it's not so good.
That really happened?
Yeah, even though two or three of my best friends are Dominican or Puerto Rican. And her, of course. (points to Alicia)

So you aren’t sure if there is two or three of your “best friends” and you aren’t sure if they are Dominican or Puerto Rican. Wow, what a friend. I know, you probably don’t know cause you obviously don’t care. But you should probably know these close friends well enough to know that Dominicans don’t like being called Puerto Ricans and vice versa.

How far along with the book are you?

I've got about 70 pages written. I've put it on hold for a bit until I find a publisher. When the deal is done, I'll finish it up over the course of the next couple of months. That's the thing, though: When people have an agenda, that's all that matters. Jeff Pearlman is who he is: A liberal Jew from New York. He's one of their own, who spent a couple of hours with me, pulled things out of context, and you're trying to create a persona of an individual when you don't know them. You look at Michael Irvin, and Michael's a friend of mine –

I don’t even know where to start here. I’m giddy. In the previous quote he goes on saying how the perception of people from the South is they are all racist hicks. Now he’s saying that Pearlman is a liberal Jew from New York. So it’s inaccurate to say all Southerns like himself are racist hicks, but totally acceptable to say all New York Jews are liberal? Gotcha. And for the record, New Yorkers are just smarter than Southerners, as are Jews. So when you have a Jewish New Yorker, well you have the foundation for the master race. Of course they’re gonna be liberal.

Now, he also claims to be buddies with Michael Irvin, and although I didn’t print it here, he goes on to out Irvins continued drug use. Man, he is a good guy, we were all wrong about him. He doesn’t know what race his friends are, and he publicly talks about their drug use. I wanna hang out with John!

At the end he rips on the man who traded him, Braves GM John Schuerholz. The only thing he ever did wrong was drafting Rocker. And to say Scherholz has the worst case of “Little Man Syndrome” well John, it’s time we met. Is “stupid hick” as redundant as “liberal New York Jew”? Ladies and Gentlemen, author John Rocker, he puts the moron in oxymoron.