So I was out for a drive this weekend, when someone cut me off. Here's video of what I did to him and all his friends..
July 30, 2007
July 27, 2007
Killin' It
Let me perfectly clear here, I am not defending Michael Vick. I’ll get to my thoughts on his trial and the accusations in a few, but first I need to air out some people. And by some people, I mean the majority of this country. I want to know how dog fighting is more vicious or cruel than hunting. I’m appalled by the allegations just as everyone else is, however, I think a lot of the people who want to see justice served are just as guilty of being sick bastards.
Maybe I should sit and wait for a response, but instead I’m going to assume what the argument will be and respond accordingly. We all know what happens when you assume though right? I make an ass out of you.
So let me take a stab at what I think I’ll hear: Hunting is a game, it keeps the population of various animals under control, hunting and gathering is in our blood, it isn’t brutal, it’s legal, tradition, and they are killing wild animals. I think that touches on most of the responses I’ll hear.
Well, allow me to retort:
Game: As far as I know, a game takes place when all participants are fully aware they are playing and have an equal chance at victory. Dog fighting is more of a game than hunting.
Population control: Have you seen all the dogs in shelters that are eventually “put down” because they can’t find a home? Also, I think this country has a population problem with bad drivers. Can I start hunting them?
We’re hunters and gatherers by nature: We’re complete idiots by nature. We have big stores that sell food you can prepare or restaurants you can eat in, so you don’t need to kill anything to eat.
Hunting isn’t brutal: Tell me that if you’re neighbor was just out minding his business and caught a bullet in the back of his head that you wouldn’t call it brutal. Just because the killer gets covered in blood after the animal is dead, doesn’t make it any less brutal.
It’s legal: So it is. We have lots of dumb laws. In Columbia Mo, clotheslines are banned but its okay to hang clothes over a fence. (http://www.dumblaws.com/) How about the fact that some 13 year old kid in Oregon is facing the possibility of being branded a sexual predator because he slapped a friend of his, a female, on the butt. They should throw the book at the entire baseball and football team.
Tradition: My people love tradition so much, we have a song called “Tradition,” but that’s a pretty weak ass argument. Maybe I’ll start a new tradition, from here on out it’s tradition to slap a dumbass.
Wild animals: So Bambi isn’t a pet of yours and Cujo is. I’m still pretty sure you wouldn’t dog sit for Michael Vick if he asked you.
So tell me, why is dog fighting so much worse than hunting? Animals are being killed for the pleasure and entertainment of humans. This reminds me a lot of how so many “pro-choice” citizens are also in favor of the death penalty. It isn’t about morality, it’s about power. It’s who wants to say who can do what.
Maybe I should sit and wait for a response, but instead I’m going to assume what the argument will be and respond accordingly. We all know what happens when you assume though right? I make an ass out of you.
So let me take a stab at what I think I’ll hear: Hunting is a game, it keeps the population of various animals under control, hunting and gathering is in our blood, it isn’t brutal, it’s legal, tradition, and they are killing wild animals. I think that touches on most of the responses I’ll hear.
Well, allow me to retort:
Game: As far as I know, a game takes place when all participants are fully aware they are playing and have an equal chance at victory. Dog fighting is more of a game than hunting.
Population control: Have you seen all the dogs in shelters that are eventually “put down” because they can’t find a home? Also, I think this country has a population problem with bad drivers. Can I start hunting them?
We’re hunters and gatherers by nature: We’re complete idiots by nature. We have big stores that sell food you can prepare or restaurants you can eat in, so you don’t need to kill anything to eat.
Hunting isn’t brutal: Tell me that if you’re neighbor was just out minding his business and caught a bullet in the back of his head that you wouldn’t call it brutal. Just because the killer gets covered in blood after the animal is dead, doesn’t make it any less brutal.
It’s legal: So it is. We have lots of dumb laws. In Columbia Mo, clotheslines are banned but its okay to hang clothes over a fence. (http://www.dumblaws.com/) How about the fact that some 13 year old kid in Oregon is facing the possibility of being branded a sexual predator because he slapped a friend of his, a female, on the butt. They should throw the book at the entire baseball and football team.
Tradition: My people love tradition so much, we have a song called “Tradition,” but that’s a pretty weak ass argument. Maybe I’ll start a new tradition, from here on out it’s tradition to slap a dumbass.
Wild animals: So Bambi isn’t a pet of yours and Cujo is. I’m still pretty sure you wouldn’t dog sit for Michael Vick if he asked you.
So tell me, why is dog fighting so much worse than hunting? Animals are being killed for the pleasure and entertainment of humans. This reminds me a lot of how so many “pro-choice” citizens are also in favor of the death penalty. It isn’t about morality, it’s about power. It’s who wants to say who can do what.
July 23, 2007
No Joy in Hirpville
Watching Sports Center has become as depressing and upsetting as watching the news. It used to be that sports were a distraction from reality. The ballpark or arena was a place to cheer for larger than life personalities that did amazing things. We saw that the impossible was actually possible. Things sure done changed. The front page looks like a police blotter and a gossip column. The lead story is almost never about a game, and scores are an after thought.
The biggest stories in the big three should be much different. In baseball, it should be this fantastically symmetrical story. We have Barry Bonds, the son of a very good ball player who is also the Godson of perhaps the greatest player to ever play, Willie Mays, chasing down the most famous record in all of sports, 755, the home run record that belongs to Hank Aaron. In basketball, the story should be about the San Antonio Spurs winning their 4th championship in 9 years and their place in history. The main story in the NFL should be surrounding two great quarterbacks jockeying for their place among the all-time greats. With one we had a man defending the title that eluded him like an Oscar eluded Scoresese, and the other looking to recapture his crown.
Instead of stories about what actually takes place between the lines, we have scandal after scandal. And these aren’t run of the mill, someone was caught in a limo with a tranny and blow scandals. These aren’t scandals that just rip apart one athlete’s reputation, no these are much bigger. Two of the three scandals directly question the integrity of it all. In the NBA, the big scandal is a referee with a gambling problem that has been accused of point shaving. This referee just happens to have been working some of the biggest and ironical enough, most controversial games of the past season, including the post-season. Baseball has the well documented steroid scandal, which looks more like a witch hunt than a search for truth and justice. Bud Selig is acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend, determined to keep from moving forward with his life. Football has the one scandal that really doesn’t question the integrity of the game, just the humanity of one of its biggest stars. Michael Vick has been indicted for playing a major role in the underworld community of dog fighting. Did I mention that he allegedly killed dogs by electrocution, drowning, slamming against walls and the old reliable bullet to the brain?
(Also worth mentioning is a PGA vet has gone on record that steroids are now in golf, some of Nascar’s most popular drivers (these guys can make left turns all day long) have been caught with “illegal” cars and there was a wrestler that just took out himself and his family.)
All of this does takes our attention away from the very real possibility that we have five of the top 10 basketball players of all time, in various phases of their careers (Bryant, James, Wade, Shaq, Duncan). That we have the best baseball player (Bonds) and best pitcher of all-time (Clemens), nearing the ends of their careers, some of the brightest upcoming talents and another guy in his prime (Alex Rodriguez) who may end up as the best ever. Manning and Brady are in the mix for best quarterback ever, perhaps the best running back ever (Tomlinson) and one of the greatest coaches (Belichick) at the helm of an NFL dynasty.
So what does that leave for the kids, or any of us, to cheer for? I don’t believe, for a second, that any of these are isolated incidents. I think steroids are imbedded in every sport, and try as I might, I can’t believe that only one referee, umpire or player has used his influence to impact the outcome of a game to his own benefit. And I’m scared to find out how many of our “heroes” pass the time by placing bets on dogs killing each other.
It wasn’t like sports were scandal free when I was growing up. But most of the time they were stories of individuals that could win on the field but could never defeat their own demons. The papers said it was drugs, but it was really an internal battle more fierce than anything we saw between the lines. They’d come back, fail again and maybe get clean for good. Sometime’s they went to prison, but these events also made them human. They weren’t just a jersey with a name and stats any more. But now we have to question the validity of every game and every play. There may have been a slice of innocence left in sports when I was a kid, but that slice is long gone.
The story I’m waiting on now is, a big name athlete is caught using steroids. Turns out he was doing so to make more money so he can gamble on dog fights. His gambling spirals out of control and the mob gets involved, and soon he is throwing games. Oh, this is all revealed during his rape trial.
The biggest stories in the big three should be much different. In baseball, it should be this fantastically symmetrical story. We have Barry Bonds, the son of a very good ball player who is also the Godson of perhaps the greatest player to ever play, Willie Mays, chasing down the most famous record in all of sports, 755, the home run record that belongs to Hank Aaron. In basketball, the story should be about the San Antonio Spurs winning their 4th championship in 9 years and their place in history. The main story in the NFL should be surrounding two great quarterbacks jockeying for their place among the all-time greats. With one we had a man defending the title that eluded him like an Oscar eluded Scoresese, and the other looking to recapture his crown.
Instead of stories about what actually takes place between the lines, we have scandal after scandal. And these aren’t run of the mill, someone was caught in a limo with a tranny and blow scandals. These aren’t scandals that just rip apart one athlete’s reputation, no these are much bigger. Two of the three scandals directly question the integrity of it all. In the NBA, the big scandal is a referee with a gambling problem that has been accused of point shaving. This referee just happens to have been working some of the biggest and ironical enough, most controversial games of the past season, including the post-season. Baseball has the well documented steroid scandal, which looks more like a witch hunt than a search for truth and justice. Bud Selig is acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend, determined to keep from moving forward with his life. Football has the one scandal that really doesn’t question the integrity of the game, just the humanity of one of its biggest stars. Michael Vick has been indicted for playing a major role in the underworld community of dog fighting. Did I mention that he allegedly killed dogs by electrocution, drowning, slamming against walls and the old reliable bullet to the brain?
(Also worth mentioning is a PGA vet has gone on record that steroids are now in golf, some of Nascar’s most popular drivers (these guys can make left turns all day long) have been caught with “illegal” cars and there was a wrestler that just took out himself and his family.)
All of this does takes our attention away from the very real possibility that we have five of the top 10 basketball players of all time, in various phases of their careers (Bryant, James, Wade, Shaq, Duncan). That we have the best baseball player (Bonds) and best pitcher of all-time (Clemens), nearing the ends of their careers, some of the brightest upcoming talents and another guy in his prime (Alex Rodriguez) who may end up as the best ever. Manning and Brady are in the mix for best quarterback ever, perhaps the best running back ever (Tomlinson) and one of the greatest coaches (Belichick) at the helm of an NFL dynasty.
So what does that leave for the kids, or any of us, to cheer for? I don’t believe, for a second, that any of these are isolated incidents. I think steroids are imbedded in every sport, and try as I might, I can’t believe that only one referee, umpire or player has used his influence to impact the outcome of a game to his own benefit. And I’m scared to find out how many of our “heroes” pass the time by placing bets on dogs killing each other.
It wasn’t like sports were scandal free when I was growing up. But most of the time they were stories of individuals that could win on the field but could never defeat their own demons. The papers said it was drugs, but it was really an internal battle more fierce than anything we saw between the lines. They’d come back, fail again and maybe get clean for good. Sometime’s they went to prison, but these events also made them human. They weren’t just a jersey with a name and stats any more. But now we have to question the validity of every game and every play. There may have been a slice of innocence left in sports when I was a kid, but that slice is long gone.
The story I’m waiting on now is, a big name athlete is caught using steroids. Turns out he was doing so to make more money so he can gamble on dog fights. His gambling spirals out of control and the mob gets involved, and soon he is throwing games. Oh, this is all revealed during his rape trial.
July 16, 2007
Entourage Recap and Hirpasms
Entourage got its swagger back. As I said, I was a bit disappointed with the season thus far, but last night this show of ours returned to its winning ways. Like a baseball team bouncing back from a losing streak with a near perfectly played game, all cylinders were hitting last night. We had Ari and his high jinx, Lloyd in all his gayness, Drama doing his best window licker impression, Turtle seeing all the angels and Vince and E diving head first into a giant pile of shit and not smelling like roses, yet.
One of the highlights for me, was E decking the asshole director in the middle of Barneys. The awkward shove-punch heard ‘round the world, was one for all the vertically-challenged. Short guys: one, arrogant assholes: zero.
As for who leaked the trailer, well my theory is Walsh. He wanted to drive a wedge between Eric and Vince in retaliation for Eric being critical of his cut of the movie. Although I got there before it was stated, it did take me a second to figure out that Walsh would be replacing Hanson, but it’s a beautiful little twist. Although I really can’t stand Walsh, and is Vince trying to be the Indie-King or a big star? When does he work with J.J. Abrams or a Doug Liman? Actually, just realized, that this is very much Mark Whalberg. Basketball Diaries, Fear, Boogie Nights, Three Kings, Planet of the Apes, Four Brothers, and I Heart Huckabees were all directed by directors that made their names in independent or more artistic movies. His first movie with a well known director was The Departed, and he had a supporting role. How long till we see Vince find his own Departed?
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• Okay, right now someone sitting behind me is clipping their fingernails. Is it just me, or isn’t it just basic office etiquette to not do anything in your cube you’d do while sitting on your toilet? She isn’t even doing it over a trashcan; if any debris finds its way to my cube I’ll do my best impression of “Shock and awe.” Wonder how she’d react to coming back from lunch and finding a used square of TP on her keyboard. Let’s all hope it doesn’t come to that.
• Personal highlight for the weekend: breaking my friends’ Godfather cherry. How there are still people over the age of 25 that haven’t seen The Godfather yet, is beyond me. Bono, Jay-Z, George Clooney and Oprah are on a quest to make sure everyone has water. Well, I’m on a quest to make sure everyone see’s The Godfather. I’m honestly torn on which cause is more important.
• Personal lowlight: Another awful night of poker. At this point I’m not sure if I’d be better off paying someone $20 to just kick me in the stomach. It’d feel about the same, and actually be slightly less expensive. My patience is down to a pre-Ritalin level, and all I can come up with is the fact that I now have better things to do when I leave the poker table. But truth is, my awful play started before the rush of good fortune away from the table began.
One of the highlights for me, was E decking the asshole director in the middle of Barneys. The awkward shove-punch heard ‘round the world, was one for all the vertically-challenged. Short guys: one, arrogant assholes: zero.
As for who leaked the trailer, well my theory is Walsh. He wanted to drive a wedge between Eric and Vince in retaliation for Eric being critical of his cut of the movie. Although I got there before it was stated, it did take me a second to figure out that Walsh would be replacing Hanson, but it’s a beautiful little twist. Although I really can’t stand Walsh, and is Vince trying to be the Indie-King or a big star? When does he work with J.J. Abrams or a Doug Liman? Actually, just realized, that this is very much Mark Whalberg. Basketball Diaries, Fear, Boogie Nights, Three Kings, Planet of the Apes, Four Brothers, and I Heart Huckabees were all directed by directors that made their names in independent or more artistic movies. His first movie with a well known director was The Departed, and he had a supporting role. How long till we see Vince find his own Departed?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
• Okay, right now someone sitting behind me is clipping their fingernails. Is it just me, or isn’t it just basic office etiquette to not do anything in your cube you’d do while sitting on your toilet? She isn’t even doing it over a trashcan; if any debris finds its way to my cube I’ll do my best impression of “Shock and awe.” Wonder how she’d react to coming back from lunch and finding a used square of TP on her keyboard. Let’s all hope it doesn’t come to that.
• Personal highlight for the weekend: breaking my friends’ Godfather cherry. How there are still people over the age of 25 that haven’t seen The Godfather yet, is beyond me. Bono, Jay-Z, George Clooney and Oprah are on a quest to make sure everyone has water. Well, I’m on a quest to make sure everyone see’s The Godfather. I’m honestly torn on which cause is more important.
• Personal lowlight: Another awful night of poker. At this point I’m not sure if I’d be better off paying someone $20 to just kick me in the stomach. It’d feel about the same, and actually be slightly less expensive. My patience is down to a pre-Ritalin level, and all I can come up with is the fact that I now have better things to do when I leave the poker table. But truth is, my awful play started before the rush of good fortune away from the table began.
July 09, 2007
July 03, 2007
HirpTV
So you probably know by now how I really dislike reality television, but I’m not completely immune to wanting to capitalize off a fad. I tight-rolled my jeans back in the day too, so I have my own idea for the next big show. “Big Foot in Biggest Mouth: The Real Biggest Loser.” Starring: Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Isaiah Washington, Paris Hilton, Bill O’Reilly, Tom Cruise and Rosie O’Donnell. Larry King, of course, would be the host.
Between putting the contestants through humiliating tasks, such as finding real work, each episode ends with another empty apology. You know the one, where we hear a heart felt sorry and how there’s simply no excuse for their stupid ass comments (no offense to ass’es) followed by an excuse in attempt to make it seem not so bad anymore. Never mind if its a blatant lie like “I’ve never done drugs,” when there’s video on the internet of Paris toking up.
The grand finale is a new movie that has Gibson playing a Jewish Holocaust survivor whose son was killed in Iraq and his daughter turned cop, was raped and killed on duty. Oh, and all of his lines are in subtitles. Mean while Michael Richards plays Washington’s boyfriend in a bi-racial homosexual relationship, and Bill O’Reilly plays dad to Hilton and O’Donnell. Meanwhile, O’Donnell is suffering from post-partum after giving birth to Cruise’s baby, and he actually has to be an understanding and supportive husband, who runs to the pharmacy to pick up anti-depressants’. Roman Polanski directs.
What scares me is this awful show would do better than “Studio 60,” and that’s a direct reflection of how dumb our country has become. I just watched the series finale of “Studio 60” last night, and I still can’t understand why it was cancelled. Well, I understand why it was cancelled, what I don’t get is why no one watched it. Yet 17 million people will routinely tune in to watch a glorified Karaoke contest. And why does it have to be on a prime TV night? The losers that watch Idol religiously aren’t going out on Friday night. Put the retarded shows on Friday night, use the middle of the week for quality television.
Between putting the contestants through humiliating tasks, such as finding real work, each episode ends with another empty apology. You know the one, where we hear a heart felt sorry and how there’s simply no excuse for their stupid ass comments (no offense to ass’es) followed by an excuse in attempt to make it seem not so bad anymore. Never mind if its a blatant lie like “I’ve never done drugs,” when there’s video on the internet of Paris toking up.
The grand finale is a new movie that has Gibson playing a Jewish Holocaust survivor whose son was killed in Iraq and his daughter turned cop, was raped and killed on duty. Oh, and all of his lines are in subtitles. Mean while Michael Richards plays Washington’s boyfriend in a bi-racial homosexual relationship, and Bill O’Reilly plays dad to Hilton and O’Donnell. Meanwhile, O’Donnell is suffering from post-partum after giving birth to Cruise’s baby, and he actually has to be an understanding and supportive husband, who runs to the pharmacy to pick up anti-depressants’. Roman Polanski directs.
What scares me is this awful show would do better than “Studio 60,” and that’s a direct reflection of how dumb our country has become. I just watched the series finale of “Studio 60” last night, and I still can’t understand why it was cancelled. Well, I understand why it was cancelled, what I don’t get is why no one watched it. Yet 17 million people will routinely tune in to watch a glorified Karaoke contest. And why does it have to be on a prime TV night? The losers that watch Idol religiously aren’t going out on Friday night. Put the retarded shows on Friday night, use the middle of the week for quality television.
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