HirpTV

So you probably know by now how I really dislike reality television, but I’m not completely immune to wanting to capitalize off a fad. I tight-rolled my jeans back in the day too, so I have my own idea for the next big show. “Big Foot in Biggest Mouth: The Real Biggest Loser.” Starring: Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Isaiah Washington, Paris Hilton, Bill O’Reilly, Tom Cruise and Rosie O’Donnell. Larry King, of course, would be the host.

Between putting the contestants through humiliating tasks, such as finding real work, each episode ends with another empty apology. You know the one, where we hear a heart felt sorry and how there’s simply no excuse for their stupid ass comments (no offense to ass’es) followed by an excuse in attempt to make it seem not so bad anymore. Never mind if its a blatant lie like “I’ve never done drugs,” when there’s video on the internet of Paris toking up.

The grand finale is a new movie that has Gibson playing a Jewish Holocaust survivor whose son was killed in Iraq and his daughter turned cop, was raped and killed on duty. Oh, and all of his lines are in subtitles. Mean while Michael Richards plays Washington’s boyfriend in a bi-racial homosexual relationship, and Bill O’Reilly plays dad to Hilton and O’Donnell. Meanwhile, O’Donnell is suffering from post-partum after giving birth to Cruise’s baby, and he actually has to be an understanding and supportive husband, who runs to the pharmacy to pick up anti-depressants’. Roman Polanski directs.

What scares me is this awful show would do better than “Studio 60,” and that’s a direct reflection of how dumb our country has become. I just watched the series finale of “Studio 60” last night, and I still can’t understand why it was cancelled. Well, I understand why it was cancelled, what I don’t get is why no one watched it. Yet 17 million people will routinely tune in to watch a glorified Karaoke contest. And why does it have to be on a prime TV night? The losers that watch Idol religiously aren’t going out on Friday night. Put the retarded shows on Friday night, use the middle of the week for quality television.