Yesterday morning, Mrs. Hirp and I were watching my mom’s show on CBS. It’s Sunday Morning on CBS, it’s been my mom’s show for years, and I think they will be changing the official title to “My Mom’s show” in the near future. She only refers to it as “my show.” She really thinks it belongs to her.
Anyway, they did a story about a church right here in the Kansas City area. This church has started a bit of a movement, and I guess it’s catching on. Again, there’s wrist bands involved like the Livestrong phenomenon. But there agenda is to get people to stop complaining. The theory is that complaining leads to more complaining, and if we can stop, our brains will actually forget to complain. They also are trying to stomp out criticism and even sarcasm(?!) Obviously, this is the work of the anti-cHirpst. No complaining, criticism or sarcasm? Just shoot me.
Seriously, this is an awful idea. Those practicing this, or attempting to practice this act of lunacy are supposed to just accept things. Getting shitty service from a waiter, just accept it. You’re food will come. Never mind that you’re losing time and money, you won’t complain. Stuck in traffic, hey, no worries. This is taking, “Don’t worry, be happy,” to a new level. Bobby McFerron used Robin Williams in the video; so his head wasn’t shoved up his ass like these folks. What would we have left if this world had no more complaining, criticism or sarcasm?
There’d be no more comedy, no good movies or music. No blogs, that’s for sure. The only upside, might be Sprints stock going up again. They’d love for their customers to adopt this. But imagine an advertising campaign built around this philosophy. “Just do it, or hey, it’ll get done later.” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it. What about election campaigns, would they ignore things that need changing?
Living in a world where there’s nothing to complain about sounds pleasant enough, but to not complain when it’s the only logical response, that’s just flat out stupid. Not to say there aren’t plenty of jerks that complain too much, and when they really shouldn’t. No, those people should be poked with a fork for every offense. But don’t lump them in with rational thinking men, women and children who enjoy a good (as my people would say) kvetch. (I can’t believe Word knew that one!)
And really, we need another colored wristband for a cause and ribbon bumper stickers like Britney needs another kid.
March 24, 2008
March 18, 2008
Lil Bit of This, Lil Bit of That
It’s a good thing the writers strike is over, I had been reduced to actually watching “Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant” and “High School Reunion” and I even liked them a little bit. But last night marked the return of two dependable shows “2 and ½” and “How I Met Your Mother,” so the great reality crisis of ’08 is over and the damage was minimal.
The Scott Baio show turned out to be not only watch-able, but somewhat enjoyable. Okay, I liked it. Bite me. The guy might not have a lick of talent, and the fact that he doesn’t have any talent makes his transformations believable. Have a life long bachelor, who spent most of his adult years getting tail because girls had crushes on him when they were just hitting puberty. Now he’s getting married and having a kid, freaking out is the only logical response (for him, I’m talking about him, Scott Baio, not Hirp. My calm is calmer than your calm. Your excited owes my excited $20) Seriously, Baio never grew up, and never apologized for it. Now he’s totally and completely turning his life upside down. Basically, he’s like a real life Joey Tribiani. I like it, damnit, and I’m not (that) ashamed to admit it.
Over the weekend I introduced the kid to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” I know, you almost called child services when you read a sentence that stated I introduced a young kid to Michael Jackson, but stay with me. She’s a big fan, as is her mother, of the movie 13 Going On 30, and there’s a scene in the flick where there’s a lame party that suddenly makes the jump to “the party” when the Thriller dance is introduced. So she knew some of the dance and the song, and I felt it was time to show her the real thing. Gotta keep it real and kick it old school, that’s just how I roll. What I didn’t consider is just how scary it could be for a 6 year old. Luckily the special effects back then were so bad, she really didn’t notice.
Best question of that afternoon, was asking if Jackson would turn back to himself after becoming the werewolf. No, he turned into a white man. And according to Obama’s pastor, there’s not much scarier than a white man.
That whole thing is ridiculous. (nice transition, huh? Yeah, I got skills.) Did his Pastor say some stupid shit? Sure. Does that make it inaccurate? No, not at all. And if he’s going to catch so much shit for what his religious leader believes, well let’s just keep in mind just how much weight the religious right carries with the Republican Party. They tend to make some pretty harsh comments that are about can divide a room quicker than a silent but deadly fart.
Obama just started his speech on race, and unfortunetly I can’t watch it. But this is a huge opportunity for him. No one is going to disagree with him, and there’s no way Hillary gets to give a speech on race. Race is a touchy topic, but for all the wrong reasons. Everyone holds their breath when it comes up, and goes into shock just because it comes up. Geraldine Ferraro gets headlines for saying that race has played a role in Obama’s campaign, and you know what? No shit. So now we’re in some racially charged debate. But didn’t race play a role in every other election? Does George W get elected if he’s Hispanic? Does Bill Clinton get the job if he’s Muslim? Does Ronald Regan become President if he looks like Bill Cosby? Hell to the no! Race, religion, sex and class play a role in every single issue, every single second of every single day. That doesn’t make things unfair or wrong, although it can, but ignoring this fact helps make it an issue. Being equal doesn’t mean being the same. If you have a ton of feathers, it might weigh the same as a ton of bricks, but they aren’t the same, and you wouldn’t say they are.
The Scott Baio show turned out to be not only watch-able, but somewhat enjoyable. Okay, I liked it. Bite me. The guy might not have a lick of talent, and the fact that he doesn’t have any talent makes his transformations believable. Have a life long bachelor, who spent most of his adult years getting tail because girls had crushes on him when they were just hitting puberty. Now he’s getting married and having a kid, freaking out is the only logical response (for him, I’m talking about him, Scott Baio, not Hirp. My calm is calmer than your calm. Your excited owes my excited $20) Seriously, Baio never grew up, and never apologized for it. Now he’s totally and completely turning his life upside down. Basically, he’s like a real life Joey Tribiani. I like it, damnit, and I’m not (that) ashamed to admit it.
Over the weekend I introduced the kid to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” I know, you almost called child services when you read a sentence that stated I introduced a young kid to Michael Jackson, but stay with me. She’s a big fan, as is her mother, of the movie 13 Going On 30, and there’s a scene in the flick where there’s a lame party that suddenly makes the jump to “the party” when the Thriller dance is introduced. So she knew some of the dance and the song, and I felt it was time to show her the real thing. Gotta keep it real and kick it old school, that’s just how I roll. What I didn’t consider is just how scary it could be for a 6 year old. Luckily the special effects back then were so bad, she really didn’t notice.
Best question of that afternoon, was asking if Jackson would turn back to himself after becoming the werewolf. No, he turned into a white man. And according to Obama’s pastor, there’s not much scarier than a white man.
That whole thing is ridiculous. (nice transition, huh? Yeah, I got skills.) Did his Pastor say some stupid shit? Sure. Does that make it inaccurate? No, not at all. And if he’s going to catch so much shit for what his religious leader believes, well let’s just keep in mind just how much weight the religious right carries with the Republican Party. They tend to make some pretty harsh comments that are about can divide a room quicker than a silent but deadly fart.
Obama just started his speech on race, and unfortunetly I can’t watch it. But this is a huge opportunity for him. No one is going to disagree with him, and there’s no way Hillary gets to give a speech on race. Race is a touchy topic, but for all the wrong reasons. Everyone holds their breath when it comes up, and goes into shock just because it comes up. Geraldine Ferraro gets headlines for saying that race has played a role in Obama’s campaign, and you know what? No shit. So now we’re in some racially charged debate. But didn’t race play a role in every other election? Does George W get elected if he’s Hispanic? Does Bill Clinton get the job if he’s Muslim? Does Ronald Regan become President if he looks like Bill Cosby? Hell to the no! Race, religion, sex and class play a role in every single issue, every single second of every single day. That doesn’t make things unfair or wrong, although it can, but ignoring this fact helps make it an issue. Being equal doesn’t mean being the same. If you have a ton of feathers, it might weigh the same as a ton of bricks, but they aren’t the same, and you wouldn’t say they are.
March 05, 2008
Hirpolitics
My phone has this neat little feature called “On Demand” there’s nothing dirty about it, I assure you. It’s just a feature that lets me read the news and latest sports stories, and it comes in pretty handy on the john when there’s no newspaper to read. First story I opened this morning was about Hillary Clinton, and I’m positive the writer and editor were just cracking up when they penned the opening line.
“Hillary Rodham Clinton proved again Tuesday that she does her best work when her back is against the wall.”
There’s no way they were not going for the double entendre, anytime you talk about a woman doing her best work and mention anything that relates to a position her body can be in at the time of this work, the comment is dirty, and you know it.
If the sentence is about a woman, and it starts with “she was” and ends with “Pushed into a corner,” or “bending over backwards,” or “belly up,” then 90% of those who read the statement, will at least go to that place for a second. Whoever wrote that about Clinton, knew what they were doing, and I’ll bet my paycheck they were doing so because they knew most readers would then make a joke about Bill, if only in their own heads.
“If that were true (her best work is done with her back against the wall), Bill wouldn’t have messed around on her.” And nothing could be further from the truth. The evidence is all there, Bill was never about quality, just quantity. So maybe Hillary does her best work on her back (there’s a visual that’ll give America nightmares).
“Hillary Rodham Clinton proved again Tuesday that she does her best work when her back is against the wall.”
There’s no way they were not going for the double entendre, anytime you talk about a woman doing her best work and mention anything that relates to a position her body can be in at the time of this work, the comment is dirty, and you know it.
If the sentence is about a woman, and it starts with “she was” and ends with “Pushed into a corner,” or “bending over backwards,” or “belly up,” then 90% of those who read the statement, will at least go to that place for a second. Whoever wrote that about Clinton, knew what they were doing, and I’ll bet my paycheck they were doing so because they knew most readers would then make a joke about Bill, if only in their own heads.
“If that were true (her best work is done with her back against the wall), Bill wouldn’t have messed around on her.” And nothing could be further from the truth. The evidence is all there, Bill was never about quality, just quantity. So maybe Hillary does her best work on her back (there’s a visual that’ll give America nightmares).
March 04, 2008
Frozen Hirp
We’ve all heard those commercials before, and I know you thought about calling. But I did it, and this isn’t those networking commercials you see at 1am, with the scantily clad skank that just wants to talk to cool people. No, this was the bullshit pitch about getting a free stay in Vegas. I had to do it, I went out to my car this morning and I couldn’t have been colder if you dipped me in dry ice, and then I hear about a trip to Vegas. I would have done a triple lindy into a pool of lava, but that wasn’t an option.
And it can’t be all bad, Alan Thicke answered the phone. If it’s good enough for Mr. Seaver, it’s good enough for this boner. Now I’m wondering, if we ranked celebs that need money the worst by what crap they sell, where would hawking time shares rank? Did Alan Thicke audition for a Viagra add, and fail to rise to the challenge? Is he to out of shape to do a commercial with Chuck Norris, but too fit to do something for Slim Fast? Is he not famous enough to sell condoms in Japan? And shouldn’t he be like a god in Canada? There’s Michael J Fox, Michael Myers, and Alan Thicke, I though that they were the Canadian holy trinity. Or is Alex Trebek the 3rd? Guess not, eh. Last thing about Alan Thicke, does it say more about his parenting skills, our society or the talents of his son, that his son has become a significant R&B singer. How does a rich white kid from a famous Canadian dad get more props in the R&B world than Boyz II Men?
Anyway, I really doubt we’ll be going to Vegas. They still want us to pay for the airfare, and I really wanted a free ride. For a non-practicing Jew, I’m not a total disappointment to my faith. I find good deals like Robert De Niro finds bad screen plays. I’ve caught some flack in the past for bitching about the weather, and I might again, but screw it. It’s just too damn cold. When you’re half considering using the lighter in the car to start a small fire in the passenger seat, you’ve crossed some line of frozen tundra. I’ve been at work for a half-hour, and I still haven’t removed my hat.
37 days, that’s all I have to get through. Then we’re sitting on a beach, drinking a few cocktails and making jokes about all the potentially great McDonald’s employees are in the vicinity. Really, does crossing the border and getting a job here have the same feeling as a minor league baseball player getting called up to the majors? These are things I think about. I should so be getting paid big bucks for this blog. Or be the focus of some study group.
And it can’t be all bad, Alan Thicke answered the phone. If it’s good enough for Mr. Seaver, it’s good enough for this boner. Now I’m wondering, if we ranked celebs that need money the worst by what crap they sell, where would hawking time shares rank? Did Alan Thicke audition for a Viagra add, and fail to rise to the challenge? Is he to out of shape to do a commercial with Chuck Norris, but too fit to do something for Slim Fast? Is he not famous enough to sell condoms in Japan? And shouldn’t he be like a god in Canada? There’s Michael J Fox, Michael Myers, and Alan Thicke, I though that they were the Canadian holy trinity. Or is Alex Trebek the 3rd? Guess not, eh. Last thing about Alan Thicke, does it say more about his parenting skills, our society or the talents of his son, that his son has become a significant R&B singer. How does a rich white kid from a famous Canadian dad get more props in the R&B world than Boyz II Men?
Anyway, I really doubt we’ll be going to Vegas. They still want us to pay for the airfare, and I really wanted a free ride. For a non-practicing Jew, I’m not a total disappointment to my faith. I find good deals like Robert De Niro finds bad screen plays. I’ve caught some flack in the past for bitching about the weather, and I might again, but screw it. It’s just too damn cold. When you’re half considering using the lighter in the car to start a small fire in the passenger seat, you’ve crossed some line of frozen tundra. I’ve been at work for a half-hour, and I still haven’t removed my hat.
37 days, that’s all I have to get through. Then we’re sitting on a beach, drinking a few cocktails and making jokes about all the potentially great McDonald’s employees are in the vicinity. Really, does crossing the border and getting a job here have the same feeling as a minor league baseball player getting called up to the majors? These are things I think about. I should so be getting paid big bucks for this blog. Or be the focus of some study group.
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