Scared Hirpless Tournament

In the car I was thinking of possible subjects to blog about today, and the one I felt most strongly about turned out to be my fears. So as I was thinking of how I could write about my fears I came up with two conclusions: One, nothing too morbid or personal. The thought of something happening to my wife or kyd is just too upsetting to even write about, let alone joke about. And secondly, I decided that breaking it down to a March Madness like tournament would be the best format.

So for starters, here are my top 8 fears, and their seeds:

1. The Kyd Dating: The top seed for numerous reasons, but mainly this one is like the North Carolina of my fears. The starting five are All-American level fears, and come together to form one horrifying fear. The guards are Fear of her having sex and fear of the intentions of boys. At small forward is the fear of her driving, as we all know how scary that is. The power forward is the fear of my self doing something stupid. And our starting center, the scariest fear in the nation, the fear of pregnancy.

I don’t even want to think of Dick Vitale using “diaper dandy” to describe any of these “players” the very thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Easily the favorite to win.

2. Fear of Food. By far our most illogical fear, yet it is consistently in the top 5 fear. I hate throwing up, and I hate embarrassment, and both are highly likely when it comes to me trying new foods.

3. Getting Promoted. Has the most upside to it, the money and all. But right now I have a pretty good thing going at work, aside from the money. I’m a “Program/Project Manager I” which means my level of responsibility is relatively low, as are expectations. This leads to lower levels of stress along with lower paychecks. I’m pretty fond of the idea of “under promise, over deliver.”

I’m pretty sure it helped me find the perfect girl for me. This isn’t a knock on her, but when she first met the bald guy that is shorter than she is, she had to have lower expectations than if I was Hirp Clooney. She gave me a shot (and I hope) I’ve always exceeded her expectations. The marriage being the exception that proves the rule, as it was the first time in my life I wanted to raise someone’s expectations and continue to exceed them.

But back to work, the very thought of getting bumped up fills me with all sorts of anxiety. The extra cash, would I mishandle it as I’ve done in the past? Would I fold like a Gap employee? What if they figured out I really don’t know jack or shit?

4. The Dentist. The sounds, the textures, the smells, the fact that they won’t stop asking me questions when they know I can’t respond. I both fear and hate the dentist.

5. Police in the Rear View. Any time a cop is driving behind me. My heart beats faster, my palms sweat and I want to vomit. I was less nervous at my wedding than anytime there’s a po-po behind me. I fear the ticket, but I also fear getting arrested. And I know I haven’t done anything, not that they know about or could prove anyway.

6. Layoffs. This one is working its way up the charts. Layoffs play in the same conference as the #3 seed.

7. Being Wrong. It’s mostly being wrong about the existence of a higher power. Not that I’ve lived some sin-filled life because I don’t believe in God, but I just can’t imagine how I can eat so much crow.

8. Snakes, Spiders and the Split second before my grill starts up.

Round 1
#1 Kyd Dating versus #8 Snakes, Spiders and the threat of the propane going boom. Kyd Dating completely dominates in every facet of the game. It’s 20-0 1 second in to the game, and that isn’t even physically possible.

#2 Food versus #7 Being Wrong. A near upset, but food holds on. Being Wrong is just so un-coachable, probably could have won if they listened better.

#3 Getting promoted versus #6 Layoffs. Of course it went in to Overtime, and Layoffs gives us the first upset of the tourney. Because, well face it, I’d rather get promoted and fail than get laid off. At least the paycheck would last a little longer.

#4 Dentist versus #5 The police. It’s never really an upset when the 5 seed beats the 4, they’re practically even to start with. The fear of having a cop behind me wins, as it happens more often and without warning. The dentist can always be planned for, and at least they let me watch TV or listen to my iPod.

Final 4
#1 Kyd dating versus #5 Police in the rear view. Another easy win for the Kyd Dating. I’m telling you, there’s never been a more dominant presence as Fear of Pregnancy, or a dynamic due like “FOP” and the guard, Hav’n Sex. I hate them more than Palestinians hate Israelis.

#2 Food versus #6 Layoffs. The fact is, at times I fear getting laid off so much that I can’t eat food I already like, so Layoff’s have officially become our Cinderalla Story, by making it all the way to the Finals.

Championship
#1 The Kyd Dating
Vs.
#6 Layoffs

Vegas is giving Kyd Dating a 30 point edge, but Layoffs have a tenacity that just grinds away at your nerves. Always looming, plotting and getting bigger every time I hear the news. But Layoffs are just no match for the powerhouse Kyd Dating. Even the bench is strong, with Fear of Being a Grandfather, Ulcers and the underrated, Fear of Her Growing Up.

So we have our Champion Fear. And I feel dizzy all the sudden. I need to go Google “shock collar for teenagers” and Missouri’s gun control laws.