Hirpasms

I’m a little bitter, and with good reason. Although, truth be told, whenever I’m bitter it’s for good reason. But this is really good. Turns out my parents have discarded much of the paperwork of my childhood. Including in what can now be officially labeled as trash is: grade school report cards, medical reports (hey, where’s the x-ray of my broken back?) and the grunt work behind my Bar Mitzvah. So I can’t share my “pause” speech with my wife and kyd, nor the details of a trip to a specialist when I was like 4.

Goes something like this, I was a little off as a child (shocker) and my motor skills weren’t up to par the rest of my development. This is still the case, my handwriting makes the scribble of doctors look like artwork. So as my mom tells it, I took this opportunity to show off. When asked if I could count to 10, I asked if they wanted it in English or Spanish. What I most want to read about is where they explain why they felt I made jokes of a sexual nature. See, I was a little shit and a perv before I hit 1st grade. That’s madd skillz, yo.

But I can’t read any of this. It’s gone. What the hell?! Sorry, but I’m a sentimental bastard. When my parents bite it, I want as many pictures as possible. For their anniversary last year, my wife and I stole most of their photos and put them in albums. They thought it was thoughtful, I thought it was a move of great foresight. I didn’t want to do it later. See, that’s why I said sentimental bastard. Both adjectives are accurate. But really, of course I wanted to give them a nice gift.

They did, luckily, still have my Bar Mitzvah video tape. And watching part of last night was a terrorfying trip down memory lane. The wife thinks I looked like I was eight at the time, not 13. As double down said, “what can I say, I look young.” The amount of metal in my mouth would set off airport alarms, but if I was 13 now, I could just call them Grillz.

***

Driving to work today, I felt like I was very close to falling asleep at the wheel. Like, dangerously close. So I wonder how often early morning accidents are caused, not by multi-tasking drivers, but sleepy drivers?

So the Chinese didn’t want to use the less cute girl to sing at the Opening Ceremonies, and they digitally altered the firework show on the broadcast. We shouldn’t let the fact that even the organizers cheat, take away from all the world records being broken on a daily basis. We should already know that everything is on some form of steroids or another. Look at the box office numbers of Batman, that gets more than a little boost from inflation. How much was a ticket when Star Wars came out, or even Titanic?

The wife and I purchased our new car last night. Just when I was thinking that signing all that paperwork together could be good practice for the day we buy a house, I hear a statistic on the radio this morning that 45% of people who purchased a home since 2006, purchased the home for more than it’s worth today. That’s scary as all hell. And they say renting is throwing away money.

A headline on CNN.com right now reads: “Man charged with murder in wife’s suicide.” Um, doesn’t the charge or murder kind of stop that from being a suicide?

The producers of the new “90210” are going out of their way to let it be known, that they are staying away from the “cheese factor.” So this isn’t the new 90210, it’s another shitty WB teen drama with some actors who really needed work badly after the original show ended. And they have just enough pride to not do “The Surreal Life” or release a sex-tape, but still need to make some mortgage payments.

The dearly departed Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes recently finished filming a movie together, Soul Men. The star of the movie is Samuel L Jackson, who must be shitting his pants right now. But there’s no man alive, that I’d rather be in the room if he’s given the chance to say his last words. Can you name the movies?

He see’s the light, “That's right, preacher, get me drunk so I don't stick my foot up your ass.”
Samuel Jackson enters heaven, finds Latin is the preferred language “English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
Needs a favor from God, “You know man, I hate be the kind of nigger that do a nigger a favor and then Bam! hit the nigger up for a favor in return, but I gots to be that kinda nigger.”
Runs into an old friend, “The fuck you mean you ain't got my money yet? The fuck you *mean* you don't got my money *yet*? You best pay me my motherfuckin' money.”
Asked what he did in life, “I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.”
Trying to decide what to eat in Heaven, “I eat the pussy, I eat the butt, I eat every motherfuckin' thang.”