2Hirp

I’m a wuss. I have lost sleep, my mouth is dry and I sorta wanna vomit. No, I’m not pregnant, just slightly retarded. All this because, gasp, I have to lead a conference call this morning. To many, it probably sounds like just another day to day function they do at their jobs. Like checking email, pooping and watching the clock. But I hate public speaking, I detest speaking to people I don’t know, and I have good reason to.

For those who have had the pleasure(?) of conversing with me, you’ve said “what” “huh” or “one more time” after no less than 63% of my comments. And that’s almost always in person. You’ve cracked jokes, and I’ve laughed at them, even made my own from time to time about the language known as “Greggese.”

But today I have to go over a process flow for a report I’ve worked weekly for the past two years, so I’m a little worried I might have a stroke. And then on top of the anxiety, is the fact that I feel like a complete idiot for getting so worked up over something so insiginicant. Sure, they’ll call in, and 2 of the 5 might even listen to what I’m attempting to say s l o w l y and clearly. They won’t give my mumble two seconds of thought after the call, and I’ll spend the rest of the day replaying the entire session in my head. I’ll be pissed that I stuttered here, annoyed that I said “um” too many times and wishing I was a mime.

***

Last night, as a family, we took the dog out for a walk. Now she’s a sweet dog, but she’s not without her issues. She’s nipped at kids, and isn’t very fond of smaller dogs. Walking out of our apartment (hey, did I mention we’re getting a house?) the Kyd had hold of her leash. We were talking about how she should hold it, because last week the dog got away from her.

We reached the stairs to the sidewalk and saw a smaller dog across the street, we had just enough time to get nervous, and she was off. Riley was too strong for the Kyd to hold on, and too fast for me to grab the leash. She rushed to this 50 something year old woman and her pint sized dog, that couldn’t have weighted more than 6 pounds. Then she scooped her up, and shook back and forth to the horror of all of us. I ran across the street, which was maybe 40 feet, but it felt like a mile.

When I got there, and grabbed Riley, I feared that if I pulled to hard to separate them that I’d cause even more damage. Luckily we watch “The Dog Whisper” on a regular basis, and he addressed how to handle such a situation. So I held her head up high, so she’d loser her leverage and finally set the poor dog free.

The Kyd screamed, scared to death for good reason obviously, and everyone was pretty shaken up. We gave the lady our info and apologized no less than 83 times. We spent the right of the night discussing what we should do. Give her up, or get a trainer. Try a shock collar and hope it works. Fear what she could do if a kid crosses her path in our back yard, or figure out if we know anyone who could take her.

Not a fun night. And we still don’t know what to do with her. Time to email Cesar. He rehabilitates dogs and trains people ya know. Now excuse me, I'm going to throw up before my call starts.

***

I read that Joaquin Phoenix has retired from acting. And that’s just awesome. Not because I don’t want to see any more of his movies, that’s not the case. It’s just fascinating and strangely admirable to me. I love it when a high profile entertainer just ups and quits when no one expects it.

One of my favorite football players ever, Barry Sanders, retired in the prime of his career. He was a season, maybe two from setting the record for most yards in a career. He was on a losing team, but could have forced a trade. He did none of that. When the fire in his belly was gone, he walked away.

How many athletes, actors or singers do sub-par work just to collect a fat check? And you can’t really blame them, that is crazy money they earn. That’s the kind of money that sets up future generations for a comfortable life, and they thumb their nose at it and do what’s in their heart. I just admire that so much.

***

I just saw a story online about David Caruso’s stalker. Wait, David Caruso has a stalker? Now, stalkers in general aren’t playing with a full deck. But how far have things spiraled out of control when you can’t even pick a respectable victim to stalk? Davis Caruso deserves a stalker like George W deserves another four years.