Okay so it's not that a goal of mine here is to make sure to run down the list of depressing stories and make sure I share them all. But, if I'm to be honest, the shit hits the blog from time to time. And with this being July 4th weekend it's definitely relevant.
Back to our time machine. July 3rd, 1998. I was 21, and living with the parents. Phone rang at about 6am. At the time, this is not something that would normally wake me and if it happen to do so it isn't something I'd usually give a second thought to. But the ring was different or something. Almost immediately I knew something was up. So I made my way downstairs to find out what was going on. The call came from my sister. Her husband, whom she had been separated from for some time and in fact had move to Kansas to get away from, had been in an accident. It wasn't good.
He had been on his way home when he was involved in a one car accident. And he was drunk. We made it to Overland Park medical within minutes. And he wasn't in good shape. I didn't see him till the following day but, we knew that morning that it was just a matter of time.
In the fairness of full disclosure, we didn't have a good relationship. Okay, we didn't really have a relationship. Any guy that gets involved with any women in my life; friends, nieces or sister is held to a higher standard. He didn't score real high on the Hirp test. But, he did father my first niece and nephew. And although he hadn't been the greatest dad to them, he was starting to make an effort. Which goes a long way in my book. Anyway, that goes down as one of the toughest days of this boys life.
July 5th he passed away. And see, this is one part of me I've always respected. I'm able to learn from others experiences. Never even took a sip of alcohol through high school cause I had seen that evil. And in the wake of this, I knew I'd never drive under the influence. And I'm pretty militant about it. I have a lot of friends who have picked up DUI's. And sorry to harsh but that pisses me off. Seriously, just call me. I might be pissed if I have to leave the house at 3am to give someone a lift but, I'm more pissed if I hear about it later.
So, a week later I venture out to Lawrence to hang out with some friends and then stop by a friends 21st birthday. Just a mellow night, hanging out in her backyard and meeting some pretty interesting people. One guy in particular stood out as most interesting. This was the first night I had gone out after the accident, and being around a bunch of people who were drinking wasn't really sitting right with me. And at this time, Hirp was almost always very quiet at parties. This night even more so. So the party broke up, and I left. Nothing too interesting there huh? Next day, maybe it was two days, I hear that the guy that had stood out a bit had taken his own life. Nice fuckin week huh?
Was more of a bizarre thing for me since I had only met the guy once. Very sad yes but, most upsetting was seeing friends try and cope with what had happened. So that went down as one really shitty week. And I'm not sharing to be preachy or anything. Just kinda what comes to mind this time of year.
June 30, 2006
June 28, 2006
PTI
Here comes a bit of a curveball. We here at Hirp.com are going to get into a subject we normally don't. And by we, I do mean me. It's one of the few subjects I'm not an expert on. And before there's any rumor started, let me say this. No, I did not stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. What happened was a conversation took place between myself and a friend. In the wake of this conversation I felt I could best express my thoughts if I took the time to write them out. So today we're going to get into love, relationships, marriage and all that crap.
See, my friend and I were talking about "true love" or "soulmates" and what can cause a marriage to fail. And that right there is part of my beef. "Fail" I'm not saying a marriage that ends in a divorce is exactly the most successful marriage but, to label it as a failure is a bit harsh in my estimation. Most friendships and or relationships in our lives, simply don't last forever. This doesn't nessarsarily make them failures.
Let's be honest, 50% of marriages end in divorce now. That's a huge number. So just based on the stats, it's a coin flip. If you flip a coin and call tails, and it comes up heads did you fail? No, just got unlucky. I know it's a bit harsh to compare this holy union to a coin flip. But step back and take a look at more analytical look at it. No, it's not very romantic. Just bare with me a minute and put romance on hold. Seriously, if half end does anyone know the percentage of those that last that would qualify as "happily married?" Well I don't know the number. But, I think it's safe to say that it's not 100%. So let's, for arguments sake, say that 75% of marriages that last are happily married. So now we're at like 37% of all marriages are happy.
Should we assume they are the only ones to marry their "true loves?" Hell no. What ends most marriages isn't that these people all picked the wrong person. There's hundreds, if not thousands of variables that come into play. The most common, in my opinion, is lack of communication. However, that doesn't mean if people just made a point to communicate better, that they'd last. Hardly. Maybe they'd just know to end things sooner. Fact is, people do change. They begin to want different things. Or other stresses of life come into play.
Most people want to believe they didn't marry for money. And it's not that money or financial stability is WHY they married. But not having that, can sure as hell screw things up. And not because the wife of husband is shallow or superficial. Could be the guy feels guilty for not "providing" his wife with the life style he'd like to provide for her. Might not have shit to do with what she wants. But now he's got guilt, or pride issues and that steamrolls into resentment and a whole new bag-o-shit. So they divorce. It wasn't that they never "really" loved each other. And they probably still do.
In fact, I happen to believe no feelings ever go away. You love someone, I think you always will. However, there may be newer feelings that come along and those might be stronger feelings. But in any relationship, or friendship of any kind. Whatever feelings were there in the beginning, I believe, are always there. Which is why when said relationship ends, it hurts people so much. Sure there's those moments of self doubt, and the "how could I let myself get hurt" But that isn't because those feelings stopped. If that was the case, people would just be totally indifferent when these things end. It would be more like the end of a very average movie. Not one you loved, and not one you hated so much you want your money back. Like the recent King Kong. It might have lasted too long but, it wasn't horrible. Nor was it great. It just was.
This is why I think poker makes for such great analogies. Basically, you want to play the odds. In poker, you want to get in the hand with the best cards. If you lose, it's either because you mis-played the hand or got unlucky. For me, same goes with relationships. I want to get involved with the best chance of whatever it is, ending up as a good experience. If it ends, well I hope it's because I was just unlucky. Plenty of times aces get beat by a lesser hand. But I'll always take my chances with a pair of aces. Just try to take the badbeats gracefully. And if you can't, be so bitter about it that it's entertaining. I guess I am an expert after all.
See, my friend and I were talking about "true love" or "soulmates" and what can cause a marriage to fail. And that right there is part of my beef. "Fail" I'm not saying a marriage that ends in a divorce is exactly the most successful marriage but, to label it as a failure is a bit harsh in my estimation. Most friendships and or relationships in our lives, simply don't last forever. This doesn't nessarsarily make them failures.
Let's be honest, 50% of marriages end in divorce now. That's a huge number. So just based on the stats, it's a coin flip. If you flip a coin and call tails, and it comes up heads did you fail? No, just got unlucky. I know it's a bit harsh to compare this holy union to a coin flip. But step back and take a look at more analytical look at it. No, it's not very romantic. Just bare with me a minute and put romance on hold. Seriously, if half end does anyone know the percentage of those that last that would qualify as "happily married?" Well I don't know the number. But, I think it's safe to say that it's not 100%. So let's, for arguments sake, say that 75% of marriages that last are happily married. So now we're at like 37% of all marriages are happy.
Should we assume they are the only ones to marry their "true loves?" Hell no. What ends most marriages isn't that these people all picked the wrong person. There's hundreds, if not thousands of variables that come into play. The most common, in my opinion, is lack of communication. However, that doesn't mean if people just made a point to communicate better, that they'd last. Hardly. Maybe they'd just know to end things sooner. Fact is, people do change. They begin to want different things. Or other stresses of life come into play.
Most people want to believe they didn't marry for money. And it's not that money or financial stability is WHY they married. But not having that, can sure as hell screw things up. And not because the wife of husband is shallow or superficial. Could be the guy feels guilty for not "providing" his wife with the life style he'd like to provide for her. Might not have shit to do with what she wants. But now he's got guilt, or pride issues and that steamrolls into resentment and a whole new bag-o-shit. So they divorce. It wasn't that they never "really" loved each other. And they probably still do.
In fact, I happen to believe no feelings ever go away. You love someone, I think you always will. However, there may be newer feelings that come along and those might be stronger feelings. But in any relationship, or friendship of any kind. Whatever feelings were there in the beginning, I believe, are always there. Which is why when said relationship ends, it hurts people so much. Sure there's those moments of self doubt, and the "how could I let myself get hurt" But that isn't because those feelings stopped. If that was the case, people would just be totally indifferent when these things end. It would be more like the end of a very average movie. Not one you loved, and not one you hated so much you want your money back. Like the recent King Kong. It might have lasted too long but, it wasn't horrible. Nor was it great. It just was.
This is why I think poker makes for such great analogies. Basically, you want to play the odds. In poker, you want to get in the hand with the best cards. If you lose, it's either because you mis-played the hand or got unlucky. For me, same goes with relationships. I want to get involved with the best chance of whatever it is, ending up as a good experience. If it ends, well I hope it's because I was just unlucky. Plenty of times aces get beat by a lesser hand. But I'll always take my chances with a pair of aces. Just try to take the badbeats gracefully. And if you can't, be so bitter about it that it's entertaining. I guess I am an expert after all.
June 27, 2006
June 26, 2006
Uh Oh
See, you know I'm pumped about this Vegas trip I have coming up. But recently I found myself wishing it wasn't planning for October. Nothing against October, and it still makes perfect sense to go then. Ya see, the Mets are fuckin' bad ass this year. I mean, BAD ASS. And October is playoff time for baseball. And it's not as if, KNOCK ON WOOD, they are playing in mid-October I wouldn't be able to watch the games in Vegas. Hell, I could camp out in a sports book and watch it on a screen that's bigger then my apartment.
No, that's not the problem. The problem is the Cardinals are also very good. And St. Louis is just 4 hours away. So the thought hit me the other day. "SHIT! I could go watch a Met playoff game in the Lou!"
And no, it didn't end there. The White Sox are defending World Champs. Chicago is 8 hours away by car, or 1 by plane. And I have a place to stay there for free. Should I kinda start putting money away to go see the Mets in the World Series in Chicago?
And this is when I probably fucked over my teams entire season. How did I let myself think these things?? Am I the asshole that would go up to a pitcher in the 7th inning of a no hitter and tell him "hey, got a no hitter going. Good luck." Please tell me I'm not that guy. It's one thing to tell someone in our poker league they have a ton of chips and not to screw up. Even if it's usually me they tell that to, and I soon after do dump my chips.
This is my Mets. And it's been 20 years since we won a World Series. And no offense to my Cub and Royal fan friends but, I might have just pulled my own Bartman. But, this team is fucking good. We have the most exciting player in baseball, Jose Reyes. We have a huge lead in the NL East and it's not even July. Making the playoffs is ALMOST a lock at this point. Planning for the future can't be that horrible then right? Right, please God. Tell me I'm right.
No, that's not the problem. The problem is the Cardinals are also very good. And St. Louis is just 4 hours away. So the thought hit me the other day. "SHIT! I could go watch a Met playoff game in the Lou!"
And no, it didn't end there. The White Sox are defending World Champs. Chicago is 8 hours away by car, or 1 by plane. And I have a place to stay there for free. Should I kinda start putting money away to go see the Mets in the World Series in Chicago?
And this is when I probably fucked over my teams entire season. How did I let myself think these things?? Am I the asshole that would go up to a pitcher in the 7th inning of a no hitter and tell him "hey, got a no hitter going. Good luck." Please tell me I'm not that guy. It's one thing to tell someone in our poker league they have a ton of chips and not to screw up. Even if it's usually me they tell that to, and I soon after do dump my chips.
This is my Mets. And it's been 20 years since we won a World Series. And no offense to my Cub and Royal fan friends but, I might have just pulled my own Bartman. But, this team is fucking good. We have the most exciting player in baseball, Jose Reyes. We have a huge lead in the NL East and it's not even July. Making the playoffs is ALMOST a lock at this point. Planning for the future can't be that horrible then right? Right, please God. Tell me I'm right.
Jan-June Playlist
So I kinda dig the Celebrity Playlist section of Itunes. And not that I'm a celeb, although I might give a few of them a run for their money, I thought I'd post my very own. So here is Hirps Playlist for the first half of '06. In no particular order:
Lupe Fiasco--Kick Push
Josh Ritter--Lawrence, KS
Tyrone Wells--Sea Breeze
Eric Hirshberg--Half Way Home
Daniel Powter--Jimmy Gets High
Liz Phair--Everything To Me
Daniel Cage--Big Blue Sky
Gnarls Barkley--Smiley Faces
Billy Joel--And So It Goes
DMX--We In Here
Daniel Cage--The First Time
Josh Ritter--Wolves
Ne-Yo--When You're Mad
Mason Jennings--Ballad For My One True Love
Raul Midon--Sunshine
Rhianna--SOS
Lupe Fiasco--Kick Push
Josh Ritter--Lawrence, KS
Tyrone Wells--Sea Breeze
Eric Hirshberg--Half Way Home
Daniel Powter--Jimmy Gets High
Liz Phair--Everything To Me
Daniel Cage--Big Blue Sky
Gnarls Barkley--Smiley Faces
Billy Joel--And So It Goes
DMX--We In Here
Daniel Cage--The First Time
Josh Ritter--Wolves
Ne-Yo--When You're Mad
Mason Jennings--Ballad For My One True Love
Raul Midon--Sunshine
Rhianna--SOS
June 22, 2006
Lets Hirp It Out Bitch
So there's a slight controversy regarding the hottest show on TV, Entourage. Kind of like a quarterback controversy in football. The debate is, should the show go more in the Ari direction or stay centered around Vince and the boys?
And as you may have guessed, Hirp has an opinion. Look, I love Ari as much as anyone. Dude is just hilarious. BUT, one of the things that makes the character so great, and the job Piven has done with it, is he always leaves you wanting more. That's the hardest thing to do in show biz. And Piven does that with Ari as well as anyone has ever done it before.
Think back to Seinfeld. I loved Costanza. But you couldn't have the whole show revolve around him. And Ari is such an over the top in your face guy that hearing "boom" 12 times in a half hour, or "LLOYD!!!" 23 times in just 30 minutes would lose its punch. The fact that everyone wants more Ari is exactly how it should be. They shouldn't change a thing about the show. In fact I'll be disappointed if they make Ari more of a player. Just like in any entourage, everyone has a role. He plays his to perfection. They all do.
I've been a long time Piven fan. Well, maybe not a fan. But anytime he popped up in a movie, it was usually for a solid performance in an enjoyable flick. He has a few movies coming out where he has top billing, and I'm looking forward to these. But I'm afraid we're going to be a little let down, everyone will be looking for Ari.
So far this season has been amazing. Many shows pop up on our TVs with a huge buzz but, can't maintain. Not Entourage. It's getting better. The only thing I dislike, and this is more about the "buzz," is the show is getting too big. Like poker, Sopranos and Napoleon Dynamite. It was even more fun when it wasn't EVERY WHERE you looked. But then again, I do look for things to bitch about.
And as you may have guessed, Hirp has an opinion. Look, I love Ari as much as anyone. Dude is just hilarious. BUT, one of the things that makes the character so great, and the job Piven has done with it, is he always leaves you wanting more. That's the hardest thing to do in show biz. And Piven does that with Ari as well as anyone has ever done it before.
Think back to Seinfeld. I loved Costanza. But you couldn't have the whole show revolve around him. And Ari is such an over the top in your face guy that hearing "boom" 12 times in a half hour, or "LLOYD!!!" 23 times in just 30 minutes would lose its punch. The fact that everyone wants more Ari is exactly how it should be. They shouldn't change a thing about the show. In fact I'll be disappointed if they make Ari more of a player. Just like in any entourage, everyone has a role. He plays his to perfection. They all do.
I've been a long time Piven fan. Well, maybe not a fan. But anytime he popped up in a movie, it was usually for a solid performance in an enjoyable flick. He has a few movies coming out where he has top billing, and I'm looking forward to these. But I'm afraid we're going to be a little let down, everyone will be looking for Ari.
So far this season has been amazing. Many shows pop up on our TVs with a huge buzz but, can't maintain. Not Entourage. It's getting better. The only thing I dislike, and this is more about the "buzz," is the show is getting too big. Like poker, Sopranos and Napoleon Dynamite. It was even more fun when it wasn't EVERY WHERE you looked. But then again, I do look for things to bitch about.
June 21, 2006
I Don't Wanna Grow Up....
So here's something pretty much everyone can relate to. What the hell do I want to be when I grow up? 9 out of 10 friends (ok, work with me people I'm not actually claiming to have 10 friends) have no clue what they want to do. Sure there's a few people I know who like or even love their job. But even some of them have other things they'd rather do. They're the lucky ones. As for myself, I seriously don't know. I have a long list of shit I don't want to do. I mean I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
And that's just a drop in the bucket. Think back to Office Space, and Peter has the conversation about what would you do with a million bucks? I'm on the same page as him pretty much. Except I really don't want to sit and do nothing. Well, not full-time anyway. With this blog I've realized how much I actually enjoy writing. But not really writing. Just writing about whateva da fuchhhh I please. (read that in your best Teddy KGB voice) Honestly, there's a bit of a pipe dream. To write a screen play or two. But usually the ideas I get end up reminding me too much of something I've already seen and I'm sick of Hollywood repackaging stories. Maybe I use that as an excuse so I don't ever have to actually write anything. A sentiment that reminds me of a movie quote.
"Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody... "
Now add to the fact that I haven't a clue. Nor a degree. And live in what you can call a un-inspired town. I'm more lost then some idiots who crash on an island yet never have to shave or complain about anyone's BO.
And truth be told, if writing were my career or part of it I think that could easily sap any enjoyment from it. Like kids. No, I'm not saying kids sap the enjoyment out of life. Then again, I'm not NOT saying it. But I like kids, get along with em. Could be cause we literally see eye to eye, I don't know. But I never wanted to make that into any kind of career. Careers are easy to sour on. And if it's something you enjoy and get something out of, should you really risk the chance that one day you'll dread going to do it?
Hell, this blog even. I don't know who reads it really, or if they enjoy it. Nor do I have a solid reason for posting. Just the fact that I can, and the idea that some place, someone might read it and get a chuckle at it. Or some gorgeous woman will stumble across it and fall in love with the genius that is Hirp. Meanwhile I find myself saying "20 years ago," and having very clear and vivid memories of things that happened 20 years ago. So I guess that means the clock is ticking. Shit. Can't I hit the snooze button?
And that's just a drop in the bucket. Think back to Office Space, and Peter has the conversation about what would you do with a million bucks? I'm on the same page as him pretty much. Except I really don't want to sit and do nothing. Well, not full-time anyway. With this blog I've realized how much I actually enjoy writing. But not really writing. Just writing about whateva da fuchhhh I please. (read that in your best Teddy KGB voice) Honestly, there's a bit of a pipe dream. To write a screen play or two. But usually the ideas I get end up reminding me too much of something I've already seen and I'm sick of Hollywood repackaging stories. Maybe I use that as an excuse so I don't ever have to actually write anything. A sentiment that reminds me of a movie quote.
"Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody... "
Now add to the fact that I haven't a clue. Nor a degree. And live in what you can call a un-inspired town. I'm more lost then some idiots who crash on an island yet never have to shave or complain about anyone's BO.
And truth be told, if writing were my career or part of it I think that could easily sap any enjoyment from it. Like kids. No, I'm not saying kids sap the enjoyment out of life. Then again, I'm not NOT saying it. But I like kids, get along with em. Could be cause we literally see eye to eye, I don't know. But I never wanted to make that into any kind of career. Careers are easy to sour on. And if it's something you enjoy and get something out of, should you really risk the chance that one day you'll dread going to do it?
Hell, this blog even. I don't know who reads it really, or if they enjoy it. Nor do I have a solid reason for posting. Just the fact that I can, and the idea that some place, someone might read it and get a chuckle at it. Or some gorgeous woman will stumble across it and fall in love with the genius that is Hirp. Meanwhile I find myself saying "20 years ago," and having very clear and vivid memories of things that happened 20 years ago. So I guess that means the clock is ticking. Shit. Can't I hit the snooze button?
June 20, 2006
Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Ring a bell? How 'bout April 20, 1999? Remember that? Okay, Littleton Colorado? I know that sounds familiar. If not let's try this. Columbine. Yep, that you for damn sure remember. Until 9/11 happened, 4/20/99 was the most shocking and disturbing day, to at least anyone born after D-Day.
I just read that the Sheriff has decided to release the writings of those two lunatics. A some what controversial decision. But I think it's the right call. It's not that I think we should just sit and sulk over days like this, or 9/11. But at the same time, we're so quick to move on to the next tragedy. Maybe it's just the desire or need to forget. By now the memory of watching those kids run from the school, or the one kid being pulled through a window with his bloody foot, are all such fuzzy memories. Feels more like just some TV show I have a vague memory of. And I'm sure Harris and Klebold wanted to be remembered for that day, so revisiting it kind of fulfills their wishes. But fuck them. What about the kids and teachers who gave up their lives that day? We should remember that day for them. And try to understand what happened so we can prevent it again. Beyond seeing the signs of a couple kids wearing black trench coats, or watching That Matrix daily and listening to Marilyn Manson. But noticing when some kids are picked on and pushed around so much that they feel so lost and desperate that they'd do something this heinous.
Not to like toot my own horn but, back in 1999 I had a couple websites that are now basically what we call blogs. And after Columbine, I posted some thoughts on it. And, well I don't wanna say cool. But one of the most impressive things that came from that was I actually had a Columbine survivor read it and post a comment.
http://members.aol.com/jsthirp/greggh.html
Name: Zack
E-mail address: SnowZman77@aol.com
Comments: Hello gregg thanks for the support and i really think your
homepage is cool thanks again! Columbine will live through
all that remember it! DON'T LET THIS REPEAT let this be the
last!!
"Don't let this repeat," he said. Well, I don't know if I did per say. Or anyone I know did. But it has happened again. Maybe not on the same scale, and since no school shooting has been as bloody they haven't garnered the same attention from the media or the rest of us. And how fucked is that? We're still talking about kids bringing guns to school and shooting classmates.
I went and did a little research on the internet on school shootings. And to me one of the most disturbing trends, was the fact it was far from the first. It came pretty soon after the Jonesboro Arkansas shootings, which at the time were a huge shock to everyone. But before either, it was still happening almost frequently. The difference, it used to be in inner city schools and involve "gangs." Which really, is kids going through the same shit only without parents who we think should have had them in some sort of therapy. And I don't want anyone to think I'm just saying it was horrible cause it happened in a school like Columbine, which was so similar to my alma mater Blue Valley Northwest that it was scary for even more reasons. But we need to address that this is a problem that claims students of all economic backgrounds and all colors. And it's an injustice that we just get upset when rich white kids are the killers and the victims.
My research also revealed to me something I either didn't realize of forgot. Columbine came after almost a dozen other school shootings in the US. And does anyone remember that just two days later there were not one, but two separate shootings? And seriously, I lost count of the victims and the number of occurrences of either a shooting or stabbing. But I know it was over 25 deaths and probably over 100 violent acts. From a six year old in Flint Michigan, to college kids.
I don't really even know why I felt compelled to write about this. It's not that I just want myself and everyone else to live in the past. And for the time it took me to write this, I had to think about Columbine. And Harris, and Klebold. And worry about my own nieces and nephews, and the kids in their classes that I don't know.
So I think I'm probably scaring the shit out of my readers(friends) who are parents. Sorry. But, and this is probably really foul to say now. But don't shoot the messenger.
I just read that the Sheriff has decided to release the writings of those two lunatics. A some what controversial decision. But I think it's the right call. It's not that I think we should just sit and sulk over days like this, or 9/11. But at the same time, we're so quick to move on to the next tragedy. Maybe it's just the desire or need to forget. By now the memory of watching those kids run from the school, or the one kid being pulled through a window with his bloody foot, are all such fuzzy memories. Feels more like just some TV show I have a vague memory of. And I'm sure Harris and Klebold wanted to be remembered for that day, so revisiting it kind of fulfills their wishes. But fuck them. What about the kids and teachers who gave up their lives that day? We should remember that day for them. And try to understand what happened so we can prevent it again. Beyond seeing the signs of a couple kids wearing black trench coats, or watching That Matrix daily and listening to Marilyn Manson. But noticing when some kids are picked on and pushed around so much that they feel so lost and desperate that they'd do something this heinous.
Not to like toot my own horn but, back in 1999 I had a couple websites that are now basically what we call blogs. And after Columbine, I posted some thoughts on it. And, well I don't wanna say cool. But one of the most impressive things that came from that was I actually had a Columbine survivor read it and post a comment.
http://members.aol.com/jsthirp/greggh.html
Name: Zack
E-mail address: SnowZman77@aol.com
Comments: Hello gregg thanks for the support and i really think your
homepage is cool thanks again! Columbine will live through
all that remember it! DON'T LET THIS REPEAT let this be the
last!!
"Don't let this repeat," he said. Well, I don't know if I did per say. Or anyone I know did. But it has happened again. Maybe not on the same scale, and since no school shooting has been as bloody they haven't garnered the same attention from the media or the rest of us. And how fucked is that? We're still talking about kids bringing guns to school and shooting classmates.
I went and did a little research on the internet on school shootings. And to me one of the most disturbing trends, was the fact it was far from the first. It came pretty soon after the Jonesboro Arkansas shootings, which at the time were a huge shock to everyone. But before either, it was still happening almost frequently. The difference, it used to be in inner city schools and involve "gangs." Which really, is kids going through the same shit only without parents who we think should have had them in some sort of therapy. And I don't want anyone to think I'm just saying it was horrible cause it happened in a school like Columbine, which was so similar to my alma mater Blue Valley Northwest that it was scary for even more reasons. But we need to address that this is a problem that claims students of all economic backgrounds and all colors. And it's an injustice that we just get upset when rich white kids are the killers and the victims.
My research also revealed to me something I either didn't realize of forgot. Columbine came after almost a dozen other school shootings in the US. And does anyone remember that just two days later there were not one, but two separate shootings? And seriously, I lost count of the victims and the number of occurrences of either a shooting or stabbing. But I know it was over 25 deaths and probably over 100 violent acts. From a six year old in Flint Michigan, to college kids.
I don't really even know why I felt compelled to write about this. It's not that I just want myself and everyone else to live in the past. And for the time it took me to write this, I had to think about Columbine. And Harris, and Klebold. And worry about my own nieces and nephews, and the kids in their classes that I don't know.
So I think I'm probably scaring the shit out of my readers(friends) who are parents. Sorry. But, and this is probably really foul to say now. But don't shoot the messenger.
June 16, 2006
June 16th is...
Bet you don't know what today is. Or I guess what today woulda been is more accurate. June 16th is Tupac Shakur's birthday. And IF (yes if, he is no alive) he were alive, he'd be 35 today. See, I've been a fan from day one. Since I heard the first single off of his first solo release, Trapped from 2Pacolypse Now. I know it became popular to like him after his first Death Row cd, All Eyez On Me. And I have that weird pride that comes with liking an artist before they are huge.
Anyway, 35. Hm. What coulda been huh? Not sure if that's just a theme with me and the athletes and musicians I am a fan of, or everyone has that. But Doc Gooden, Tyson, Strawberry, Tupac and Biggie. All of them are these Shakespeare like tragedies. Anyway, not exactly the point I'm going for. My belief is that Tupac is/was the most important artist of the past 15 years. From his impact on society from his lyrics, his troubles, his legacy and the doors he opened. He wasn't the first rapper to get in movies. But those that came before him didn't exactly have his rap sheet, if you will. Eminem, 50 Cent, DMX and countless others have been given the opportunity to get in movies because Tupac came before them. Ice Cube, Ice T and Will Smith were all acting before but none of them really had any baggage. Not exactly an accomplishment worthy of a Nobel Prize but worth noting.
In the mid 90's everyone wanted to talk about Kurt Cobain, and in all fairness the guy was a great song writer and meant a lot to MOST of a generation. But Tupac got through to everyone. You had an opinion of him, and probably still do. He was a thug, or he was a poet. A hoodlum or a revolutionary. White kids kids from rich suburban neighborhoods did, and still do "bump Pac." Where as Cobain is still be played by those in their mid to late 30's when they went to reminisce over the good ol' days of Grunge. Which by the way kinda began to fade away while Nirvana was still around. Rap? Has done nothing but get bigger. Movies, television, and commercials all are heavily influenced by hip-hop. Not that Tupac did that on his own. Nor was he the first, simply the most important with the most impact.
This is a guy who has actually released more music SINCE he passed. How many other artists have that much to say? Seriously, he recorded 200+ songs in a career that lasted less then 6 years. Mean while we're still waiting on Axl Rose to release Chinese Democracy some 15 years later. And lots of artists have taken that work ethic from Pac. I understand that it's some what easier for a rapper to release more music. They don't have to write the music, just lyrics and find a beat that works with it. But not only did he write music. He wrote poetry and actually penned a screen play that is in pre-production now. All the while, getting arrested and shot. Where the hell did he find the time?
I'd even give him some of the credit for making tattoos such a huge part of today's society. They've been around forever, I know this. But the Thug Life tat on his stomach, the tats on his neck, arms that he always had on display sunk into Americas psyche. Before the tattoo was something for bikers and convicts. But soon after Pac came on the scene, you couldn't find a sorority girl without one on her lower back or a stock broker without one on his ankle. I don't think they ran out and got it because he had one. But they did so because they saw it on someone and thought "cool" and I bet that person, or the person they got the idea from, wanted one because Pac had so many.
So what if. What if this guy was still alive at 35? What would his music sound like? What movies would he have starred in? What rappers would still be around, and who wouldn't? Since so many have tried to take his place (50, Ja Rule, Master P, DMX) What would he say about W? Many don't remember he came under fire from Dan Quayle. That's how long he's been around. He talked about Poppa Bush, I'm sure he would have had some words for Dubya. Syracuse University and Washington University have classes on Tupac. Harvard has courses that have his lyrics as part of the curriculum. So Thug? Check. Poet? Check. Hoodlum? Check. Revolutionary? Check. Educator? Check.
Talk about imPACt.
Anyway, 35. Hm. What coulda been huh? Not sure if that's just a theme with me and the athletes and musicians I am a fan of, or everyone has that. But Doc Gooden, Tyson, Strawberry, Tupac and Biggie. All of them are these Shakespeare like tragedies. Anyway, not exactly the point I'm going for. My belief is that Tupac is/was the most important artist of the past 15 years. From his impact on society from his lyrics, his troubles, his legacy and the doors he opened. He wasn't the first rapper to get in movies. But those that came before him didn't exactly have his rap sheet, if you will. Eminem, 50 Cent, DMX and countless others have been given the opportunity to get in movies because Tupac came before them. Ice Cube, Ice T and Will Smith were all acting before but none of them really had any baggage. Not exactly an accomplishment worthy of a Nobel Prize but worth noting.
In the mid 90's everyone wanted to talk about Kurt Cobain, and in all fairness the guy was a great song writer and meant a lot to MOST of a generation. But Tupac got through to everyone. You had an opinion of him, and probably still do. He was a thug, or he was a poet. A hoodlum or a revolutionary. White kids kids from rich suburban neighborhoods did, and still do "bump Pac." Where as Cobain is still be played by those in their mid to late 30's when they went to reminisce over the good ol' days of Grunge. Which by the way kinda began to fade away while Nirvana was still around. Rap? Has done nothing but get bigger. Movies, television, and commercials all are heavily influenced by hip-hop. Not that Tupac did that on his own. Nor was he the first, simply the most important with the most impact.
This is a guy who has actually released more music SINCE he passed. How many other artists have that much to say? Seriously, he recorded 200+ songs in a career that lasted less then 6 years. Mean while we're still waiting on Axl Rose to release Chinese Democracy some 15 years later. And lots of artists have taken that work ethic from Pac. I understand that it's some what easier for a rapper to release more music. They don't have to write the music, just lyrics and find a beat that works with it. But not only did he write music. He wrote poetry and actually penned a screen play that is in pre-production now. All the while, getting arrested and shot. Where the hell did he find the time?
I'd even give him some of the credit for making tattoos such a huge part of today's society. They've been around forever, I know this. But the Thug Life tat on his stomach, the tats on his neck, arms that he always had on display sunk into Americas psyche. Before the tattoo was something for bikers and convicts. But soon after Pac came on the scene, you couldn't find a sorority girl without one on her lower back or a stock broker without one on his ankle. I don't think they ran out and got it because he had one. But they did so because they saw it on someone and thought "cool" and I bet that person, or the person they got the idea from, wanted one because Pac had so many.
So what if. What if this guy was still alive at 35? What would his music sound like? What movies would he have starred in? What rappers would still be around, and who wouldn't? Since so many have tried to take his place (50, Ja Rule, Master P, DMX) What would he say about W? Many don't remember he came under fire from Dan Quayle. That's how long he's been around. He talked about Poppa Bush, I'm sure he would have had some words for Dubya. Syracuse University and Washington University have classes on Tupac. Harvard has courses that have his lyrics as part of the curriculum. So Thug? Check. Poet? Check. Hoodlum? Check. Revolutionary? Check. Educator? Check.
Talk about imPACt.
Is it October yet??
A recent column by The Sports Guy from espn.com and espn the magazine. Had to share it.
By Bill Simmons
Page 2
Editor's note: This article appears in the June 19 issue of ESPN The Magazine.
There's a famous gambling story about Michael Jordan. Actually, there are many famous gambling stories about MJ, but this one is my favorite. Back before NBA teams had grasped the rejuvenating power of chartered airplanes, the Bulls were waiting for their luggage in Portland when Jordan slapped a hunny on the conveyor belt: I bet you my bags come out first. Jumping on the incredibly favorable odds, nine teammates happily accepted the wager. Sure enough, Jordan's bags led the rollout. He cackled with delight as he collected everyone's money.
What none of the suckers knew, and what MJ presumably never told them, was that he had bribed a baggage handler to help him out. He didn't pocket much (a few hundred bucks), and considering his net worth hovered around nine figures at the time, it's safe to say he didn't need the extra cash. But that didn't matter. There was a chance at an easy score, and he took it.
Yes, the most cutthroat athlete of his generation loves to gamble, and even more than that, he loves to win. Should you be surprised? The qualities that once made MJ transcendent on the court -- his legendary hypercompetitiveness, superhuman stamina, larger-than-life swagger and unwavering confidence -- make the gambling crossover an obvious choice.
Now, not all top-tier superstars have the bug. Word is that Larry Bird, a renowned cheapskate, wagered only on postpractice shooting contests (which he was predisposed to win because, after all, he was Larry Bird). But Jordan was fundamentally more reckless. He played high-stakes golf -- you may remember he once settled a seven-figure debt for $300,000 with a grateful hustler who felt compelled to write a book about it -- and made at least one ill-advised trek to Atlantic City between playoff games.
I'm the last person to think that MJ's hobby makes him as unsavory as a Bada Bing! customer. Too much has been made of his gambling "problem" over the years. Take Michael Leahy's mean-spirited book, in which he salaciously recounts a 2001 blackjack blowout at the Mohegan Sun that included Rip Hamilton and Antoine Walker. Leahy made the night seem nefarious, describing how MJ fell behind by half a million before turning things around in the wee hours by playing two hands at a time, jabbering loudly and confidently all the while, working the dealer as if he were Bryon Russell. I happened to be there as well, plugging away at a $15 table about 25 feet away. What I witnessed was just three friends letting off steam.
Everything's relative. Last summer, at my buddy Hopper's bachelor party, we played blackjack at Mandalay Bay until 8:45 a.m., one of those blurry marathons where you wake up the following afternoon, heave a sigh of relief when you see your wallet ("I didn't lose it!") then scream happily when you glimpse the wad of hundreds inside. Women had flirted with us, pit bosses had sauntered over to "cool" us down. We hadn't played for 25 G's a hand, but we had risked a higher percentage of our net worth than MJ did in his Mohegan cameo, that's for sure. It was my single best run in Vegas -- and I didn't have Leahy standing nearby jotting down unflattering notes.
We love to pick athletes apart, but what's the big deal about their gambling so much? Look what happened last month. First, John Daly says he lost $50-60 million at the slots, and it becomes a national story. Then, Charles Barkley defends Daly, before casually revealing that he's squandered $10 million in casinos over the years. Of course, the media blows up that revelation and excoriates him for being so irresponsible. What's irresponsible about losing millions when you have more money than you'll ever need? Playing with the house's money is a way of life for these guys.
Watch an episode of MTV Cribs: For many celebs, it's not just about making it; it's about embracing the excess of making it. It's about owning the biggest mansion and the most cars, being able to buy anything without someone saying, "Wait, you can't afford that." It's about walking into a Ferrari dealership and having the salesman keel over with glee. It's about buying a yacht even though you don't particularly like water. It's about wearing a different suit after every game. It's about playing Madden on a 100-inch plasma instead of a 40-inch flatscreen. High-stakes gambling is just another piece of the excess package.
Casinos actually hold an allure beyond the action. With their elite gaming areas and impeccable security, they are some of the few public places where athletes can unwind without being badgered by starstruck fans. Call it an amusement park for the privileged, a place to let loose and be rich, where competitive juices can get a victimless workout. For a big-stakes guy, every night starts with the same vow: "I'm gonna kick ass." If he gets down, he just knows he'll win it back. If he's up, he wants to be up more. If he didn't possess this drive at the tables, he'd be one of those Rudy Gay types on the court, a player who drifts during games and doesn't seem to care if his team wins or loses. Competitiveness isn't a switch you can turn on and off.
That's why these guys bring PlayStations on the road, why card games never end on charters, why who-can-make-the-first-halfcourt-shot contests break out at the end of every NBA practice. David Stern says he's dead set against moving a team to Vegas because he's afraid players will wager on NBA games. But if they want to, they can easily do that online. What he should be afraid of is that they'd be fodder for the high-roller hustlers in Vegas who make a killing in poker games and golf matches with overcompetitive multimillionaires.
History tells us there's no shortage of those: Isiah Thomas played in high-stakes craps games at Thomas Hearns' house; Jerry Stackhouse decked Christian Laettner during a poker game on the Pistons' charter; Phil Mickelson won tens of thousands on World Series and Super Bowl bets as part of a consortium; Charles Oakley publicly threatened Tyrone Hill for being slow to settle a dice debt. For every story that leaks out, dozens of others are almost surely buried.
But no one can convince me it's a bad thing. There has been a negative link between gambling and sports dating back 100 years, back when heavyweight title fights and the World Series were fixed. But that is a lot less likely to happen now: Professional athletes earn too much to be swayed by fixers. Still, fans are brainwashed to believe gambling is dangerous, that it's a potential gateway to self-destruction, that it can destroy your life if you aren't careful, that everyone is a few errant bets away from a lifetime of depressing Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Watch any TV show in which a character starts betting, and almost always, he loses control before the big "intervention" episode. Gambling is bad. Or so we're told.
And then you see the 400 different poker shows on cable, gambling spreads in every newspaper, March Madness pools in every office, websites and magazines that have made a killing on the fantasy boom, scratch cards and lottery machines in every convenience store ... Ummm, none of this is gambling? We refer to point spreads all the time -- the Steelers are favored by six -- and naïvely pretend they happen in some sort of vacuum, that there's no correlation between the numbers and actual wagering. Everyone participates in this hypocrisy. It's a more complicated version of the four college roomies who stand around a keg on a Friday night and slurringly argue about whether one of their other pals has a drinking problem.
Gambling is a part of sports; we may as well accept it. Maybe there are ways teams can actually use it to their advantage. For instance, Hopper once played blackjack in Vegas with Norv Turner, who spinelessly kept staying on 16 until my belligerent friend drove him from the table with a biting remark. After hearing that story, I thought Turner's coaching career made infinitely more sense. What football player would be inspired by a coach who stays on 16?
If I owned a team, I'd insist on playing poker or blackjack with any coach or manager I was thinking of hiring. During Jordan's Mohegan Sun all-nighter, I distinctly recall being impressed that Hamilton -- still a young player who hadn't done much -- looked totally comfortable in the high-stakes section with MJ. Good sign for his future, I remember thinking. That poise made him one of the crucial players on the world-champion Pistons. Coincidence? You tell me.
As for Jordan, if I owned the Bulls and found out my franchise guy -- the dude cashing my seven-figure checks every two weeks, the dude responsible for filling my stadium eight months per season, the dude who would make or break my dream of holding the Larry O'Brien Trophy -- was bribing baggage handlers just to win a few hundred bucks ... well, the news would warm my heart. That's what alpha dogs do: They compete, they dominate, they don't know when to quit. The surprise isn't that there are dozens of gambling stories about Michael Jordan. The surprise would be if there weren't any.
By Bill Simmons
Page 2
Editor's note: This article appears in the June 19 issue of ESPN The Magazine.
There's a famous gambling story about Michael Jordan. Actually, there are many famous gambling stories about MJ, but this one is my favorite. Back before NBA teams had grasped the rejuvenating power of chartered airplanes, the Bulls were waiting for their luggage in Portland when Jordan slapped a hunny on the conveyor belt: I bet you my bags come out first. Jumping on the incredibly favorable odds, nine teammates happily accepted the wager. Sure enough, Jordan's bags led the rollout. He cackled with delight as he collected everyone's money.
What none of the suckers knew, and what MJ presumably never told them, was that he had bribed a baggage handler to help him out. He didn't pocket much (a few hundred bucks), and considering his net worth hovered around nine figures at the time, it's safe to say he didn't need the extra cash. But that didn't matter. There was a chance at an easy score, and he took it.
Yes, the most cutthroat athlete of his generation loves to gamble, and even more than that, he loves to win. Should you be surprised? The qualities that once made MJ transcendent on the court -- his legendary hypercompetitiveness, superhuman stamina, larger-than-life swagger and unwavering confidence -- make the gambling crossover an obvious choice.
Now, not all top-tier superstars have the bug. Word is that Larry Bird, a renowned cheapskate, wagered only on postpractice shooting contests (which he was predisposed to win because, after all, he was Larry Bird). But Jordan was fundamentally more reckless. He played high-stakes golf -- you may remember he once settled a seven-figure debt for $300,000 with a grateful hustler who felt compelled to write a book about it -- and made at least one ill-advised trek to Atlantic City between playoff games.
I'm the last person to think that MJ's hobby makes him as unsavory as a Bada Bing! customer. Too much has been made of his gambling "problem" over the years. Take Michael Leahy's mean-spirited book, in which he salaciously recounts a 2001 blackjack blowout at the Mohegan Sun that included Rip Hamilton and Antoine Walker. Leahy made the night seem nefarious, describing how MJ fell behind by half a million before turning things around in the wee hours by playing two hands at a time, jabbering loudly and confidently all the while, working the dealer as if he were Bryon Russell. I happened to be there as well, plugging away at a $15 table about 25 feet away. What I witnessed was just three friends letting off steam.
Everything's relative. Last summer, at my buddy Hopper's bachelor party, we played blackjack at Mandalay Bay until 8:45 a.m., one of those blurry marathons where you wake up the following afternoon, heave a sigh of relief when you see your wallet ("I didn't lose it!") then scream happily when you glimpse the wad of hundreds inside. Women had flirted with us, pit bosses had sauntered over to "cool" us down. We hadn't played for 25 G's a hand, but we had risked a higher percentage of our net worth than MJ did in his Mohegan cameo, that's for sure. It was my single best run in Vegas -- and I didn't have Leahy standing nearby jotting down unflattering notes.
We love to pick athletes apart, but what's the big deal about their gambling so much? Look what happened last month. First, John Daly says he lost $50-60 million at the slots, and it becomes a national story. Then, Charles Barkley defends Daly, before casually revealing that he's squandered $10 million in casinos over the years. Of course, the media blows up that revelation and excoriates him for being so irresponsible. What's irresponsible about losing millions when you have more money than you'll ever need? Playing with the house's money is a way of life for these guys.
Watch an episode of MTV Cribs: For many celebs, it's not just about making it; it's about embracing the excess of making it. It's about owning the biggest mansion and the most cars, being able to buy anything without someone saying, "Wait, you can't afford that." It's about walking into a Ferrari dealership and having the salesman keel over with glee. It's about buying a yacht even though you don't particularly like water. It's about wearing a different suit after every game. It's about playing Madden on a 100-inch plasma instead of a 40-inch flatscreen. High-stakes gambling is just another piece of the excess package.
Casinos actually hold an allure beyond the action. With their elite gaming areas and impeccable security, they are some of the few public places where athletes can unwind without being badgered by starstruck fans. Call it an amusement park for the privileged, a place to let loose and be rich, where competitive juices can get a victimless workout. For a big-stakes guy, every night starts with the same vow: "I'm gonna kick ass." If he gets down, he just knows he'll win it back. If he's up, he wants to be up more. If he didn't possess this drive at the tables, he'd be one of those Rudy Gay types on the court, a player who drifts during games and doesn't seem to care if his team wins or loses. Competitiveness isn't a switch you can turn on and off.
That's why these guys bring PlayStations on the road, why card games never end on charters, why who-can-make-the-first-halfcourt-shot contests break out at the end of every NBA practice. David Stern says he's dead set against moving a team to Vegas because he's afraid players will wager on NBA games. But if they want to, they can easily do that online. What he should be afraid of is that they'd be fodder for the high-roller hustlers in Vegas who make a killing in poker games and golf matches with overcompetitive multimillionaires.
History tells us there's no shortage of those: Isiah Thomas played in high-stakes craps games at Thomas Hearns' house; Jerry Stackhouse decked Christian Laettner during a poker game on the Pistons' charter; Phil Mickelson won tens of thousands on World Series and Super Bowl bets as part of a consortium; Charles Oakley publicly threatened Tyrone Hill for being slow to settle a dice debt. For every story that leaks out, dozens of others are almost surely buried.
But no one can convince me it's a bad thing. There has been a negative link between gambling and sports dating back 100 years, back when heavyweight title fights and the World Series were fixed. But that is a lot less likely to happen now: Professional athletes earn too much to be swayed by fixers. Still, fans are brainwashed to believe gambling is dangerous, that it's a potential gateway to self-destruction, that it can destroy your life if you aren't careful, that everyone is a few errant bets away from a lifetime of depressing Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Watch any TV show in which a character starts betting, and almost always, he loses control before the big "intervention" episode. Gambling is bad. Or so we're told.
And then you see the 400 different poker shows on cable, gambling spreads in every newspaper, March Madness pools in every office, websites and magazines that have made a killing on the fantasy boom, scratch cards and lottery machines in every convenience store ... Ummm, none of this is gambling? We refer to point spreads all the time -- the Steelers are favored by six -- and naïvely pretend they happen in some sort of vacuum, that there's no correlation between the numbers and actual wagering. Everyone participates in this hypocrisy. It's a more complicated version of the four college roomies who stand around a keg on a Friday night and slurringly argue about whether one of their other pals has a drinking problem.
Gambling is a part of sports; we may as well accept it. Maybe there are ways teams can actually use it to their advantage. For instance, Hopper once played blackjack in Vegas with Norv Turner, who spinelessly kept staying on 16 until my belligerent friend drove him from the table with a biting remark. After hearing that story, I thought Turner's coaching career made infinitely more sense. What football player would be inspired by a coach who stays on 16?
If I owned a team, I'd insist on playing poker or blackjack with any coach or manager I was thinking of hiring. During Jordan's Mohegan Sun all-nighter, I distinctly recall being impressed that Hamilton -- still a young player who hadn't done much -- looked totally comfortable in the high-stakes section with MJ. Good sign for his future, I remember thinking. That poise made him one of the crucial players on the world-champion Pistons. Coincidence? You tell me.
As for Jordan, if I owned the Bulls and found out my franchise guy -- the dude cashing my seven-figure checks every two weeks, the dude responsible for filling my stadium eight months per season, the dude who would make or break my dream of holding the Larry O'Brien Trophy -- was bribing baggage handlers just to win a few hundred bucks ... well, the news would warm my heart. That's what alpha dogs do: They compete, they dominate, they don't know when to quit. The surprise isn't that there are dozens of gambling stories about Michael Jordan. The surprise would be if there weren't any.
Update
So I have a few different things on my mind to post about. One I've kinda put off. I think I've done so because I've heard from a few people that are kinda reading this blog on a regular basis, and it's pretty personal family stuff. Kinda makes me want to lean more to just witty banter, rants, and thoughts on pop culture. But then again, there's some personal shit on here already so posting what's essentially just an update on previous posts isn't anything I should really worry about.
Anyway, here's the update regarding my sister. She resurfaced, sort of, a few weeks ago. So we know she's alive, and now know where she's staying. Last week she actually got a hearing to revisit her and baby daddy regain custody of their kids. Her motion was denied. Talk about shitty. First there's just the whole situation. Beyond shitty. Then actually going to a court hearing and hoping they make the right call, and not give custody back to the parents. I mean really, it's a depressing story if it's a Lifetime movie. But when it's your family? It's pretty much just devestating. Even better when they lead your family member out of the courtroom in handcuffs because there was a warrant out for them. That's a banner day. But strangely a comforting day. The court made the right call, and we know she's alive. And well, we know where she is for the time being. How twisted is that? All the way twisted.
The other topics I had in mind will have to wait till later.
Anyway, here's the update regarding my sister. She resurfaced, sort of, a few weeks ago. So we know she's alive, and now know where she's staying. Last week she actually got a hearing to revisit her and baby daddy regain custody of their kids. Her motion was denied. Talk about shitty. First there's just the whole situation. Beyond shitty. Then actually going to a court hearing and hoping they make the right call, and not give custody back to the parents. I mean really, it's a depressing story if it's a Lifetime movie. But when it's your family? It's pretty much just devestating. Even better when they lead your family member out of the courtroom in handcuffs because there was a warrant out for them. That's a banner day. But strangely a comforting day. The court made the right call, and we know she's alive. And well, we know where she is for the time being. How twisted is that? All the way twisted.
The other topics I had in mind will have to wait till later.
June 15, 2006
Chicago, Hirps kinda town
28 Days. Not the movie (never saw the one with Bullock but 28 days later was bad ass)
No, 28 days till Hirp returns to Chicago. Gonna be some good times. Myself, Bum with Mrs Bum and Red. And hopefully Hardcore making the trek down from Wisconsin.
Mets-Cubs. As well as my fantasy baseball team against Bums. La Kosher Nostra vs Bleacher Bums. And Mike has a few guys on the Mets, making this the first time we'll be on the same side. This could be a sign of the apocalypse.
Things that can be counted on to happen. Trash talking, bets, playstation, bets on playstation, the always hilarious did vs n't argument (more on this later)
See, I've known these fellas a while. Austin and I met in Hebrew School when I first moved to KC. Later roomed together for my year at KU. Mike and I met my junior year in high school, his sophomore. It was geometry class but to us it was the 11am SportsCenter. Along with a couple other kids, we literally spend the entire class talking sports. It was great. The teacher never even tried to stop us, and the rest of the class just tuned us out. My grade in that class may have suffered a bit. I introduce these two actually in Bums second year at KU, and Reds first. I was making, oh thrice weekly trips to Lawrence. Don't really remember how or where but soon the three of us were hanging out, playing video games and talking shit.
The talking shit isn't that severe, I've had friends that are definitely meaner. But we have these, now old, and sure fire ways to argue. It's pretty simple, yet pure entertainment for us. Starts of like, will so and so be leave this team for that team. "No he can't" "Yes he can" "Can't" "Can" "n't" "can" This can go on for hours. And it will, even if Bum says it won't. It's shorthanded arguing. Lawyers and politicians should adopt this.
Anyway, I probably didn't do that any justice. Trust me, we enjoy it. Then again, we're idiots. But I am totally pumped to go back to Wrigley. Great, GREAT place to watch a game. Then hit some bars and have some drinks after. Just as long as I never have a repeat performance of my blowing chunks all over Chicago night. (don't make that perverted 'Chop)
No, 28 days till Hirp returns to Chicago. Gonna be some good times. Myself, Bum with Mrs Bum and Red. And hopefully Hardcore making the trek down from Wisconsin.
Mets-Cubs. As well as my fantasy baseball team against Bums. La Kosher Nostra vs Bleacher Bums. And Mike has a few guys on the Mets, making this the first time we'll be on the same side. This could be a sign of the apocalypse.
Things that can be counted on to happen. Trash talking, bets, playstation, bets on playstation, the always hilarious did vs n't argument (more on this later)
See, I've known these fellas a while. Austin and I met in Hebrew School when I first moved to KC. Later roomed together for my year at KU. Mike and I met my junior year in high school, his sophomore. It was geometry class but to us it was the 11am SportsCenter. Along with a couple other kids, we literally spend the entire class talking sports. It was great. The teacher never even tried to stop us, and the rest of the class just tuned us out. My grade in that class may have suffered a bit. I introduce these two actually in Bums second year at KU, and Reds first. I was making, oh thrice weekly trips to Lawrence. Don't really remember how or where but soon the three of us were hanging out, playing video games and talking shit.
The talking shit isn't that severe, I've had friends that are definitely meaner. But we have these, now old, and sure fire ways to argue. It's pretty simple, yet pure entertainment for us. Starts of like, will so and so be leave this team for that team. "No he can't" "Yes he can" "Can't" "Can" "n't" "can" This can go on for hours. And it will, even if Bum says it won't. It's shorthanded arguing. Lawyers and politicians should adopt this.
Anyway, I probably didn't do that any justice. Trust me, we enjoy it. Then again, we're idiots. But I am totally pumped to go back to Wrigley. Great, GREAT place to watch a game. Then hit some bars and have some drinks after. Just as long as I never have a repeat performance of my blowing chunks all over Chicago night. (don't make that perverted 'Chop)
June 13, 2006
"Think we'll be there by midnight?"
So the Vegas trip is booked. Well, a flight is anyway. Oct 12-15th. Now the goal is to round up some more people to go. As of now there is three people locked in. With some others who aren't sure. But never mind that mess for now. Vegas baby, Vegas. The only redeeming feature to my phone, aside from Tetris, is this little count down clock it has. 121 days left. See, this is how I'm like a little kid. When I get excited about something, I get fuckin' giddy. But 121 days is a long time to count down. Now the trick is come up with other things to look forward to before hand to make it at least feel closer. Like Chicago in July for the Mets and Cubs. That's almost locked in. Once it is, the focus will go that trip.
But like I said, almost. So let's talk about Vegas huh? We're looking at doing something a little different. Instead of the kick ass hotel, we've been mulling over renting a condo. And not just because it has a 43 inch plasma. The price is BEAUTIFUL. $150 a night, sleeps like 8 I think. And it's not that I'm some cheap bastard but, I am on a budget and more importantly I want more money to play poker with. I'm not, and neither are those I'm going with, big drinkers or partiers. This is going to be a trip to check out some sites, hang with some friends and play hours and hours of poker. Seriously, my goal right now is 8-10 hours a day. A buddy of mine went a few months ago, he actually sat and played for 24 consecutive hours. Fuck Cal Ripken, that's an impressive streak.
But like I said, almost. So let's talk about Vegas huh? We're looking at doing something a little different. Instead of the kick ass hotel, we've been mulling over renting a condo. And not just because it has a 43 inch plasma. The price is BEAUTIFUL. $150 a night, sleeps like 8 I think. And it's not that I'm some cheap bastard but, I am on a budget and more importantly I want more money to play poker with. I'm not, and neither are those I'm going with, big drinkers or partiers. This is going to be a trip to check out some sites, hang with some friends and play hours and hours of poker. Seriously, my goal right now is 8-10 hours a day. A buddy of mine went a few months ago, he actually sat and played for 24 consecutive hours. Fuck Cal Ripken, that's an impressive streak.
From the Hirp
A sticker on the bumper of your car. At some point it has become an acceptable platform for people to share their views on anything and everything. When what they should really do is get themselves a blog or, and better yet, just not try to share their views. If it's used to support your favorite sports team, impress us with your bizarre taste in music, say something witty or something especially vulgar. Then I'm all for a bumper sticker.
Otherwise it's cowardly. These people who use the back of their car to spread their, or more accurately, someone else's rhetoric. Be it the pro-choice sticker, or pro-life, anti or pro-Bush, even religious. You see that on someones car, and you see the car of a coward. How else do you describe someone who puts something on their car for the purpose of spreading a message yet not give those who disagree a chance to challenge them on their opinion? You are TRYING to get a reaction. Don't get mad or do something petty like press charges if I run you off the road. You wanted a reaction, so accept it. At the very least ,someone who wears a tee shirt with something controversial is allowing anyone who sees it a chance to call them on it. 99% of people won't. They'll walk away telling their friends what they'd like to say to the tee shirt wearer. And that's fine. Confronting strangers is kind of looked down upon by society anyway. But the guy, or girl, in the shirt allows you the opportunity to say something. Just as the guy with the funny tee shirt allows you to smile or laugh.
Now let me be clear, for the most part I think bumper stickers are tacky. And I have some ideas for some very funny, and crude stickers I wouldn't mind selling. I know I'd see them on the back of 92 Mustangs or an IROC. But there's something neat about the college kid in the beat up Festiva who knows the car is a piece of shit, so they cover the back of it with bands I've never heard of. Sometimes you recognize one band among the masses, and some how feel a connection with this driver. Or the simple sticker with a sports team. Or supporting a candidate during election time. But, the people who kept their "Kerry, Edwards" or "Bush in 04" stickers on, are the same people who keep their Christmas lights on their house till July. Idiots. I respect that they are such big fans that they are willing to put a sticker on a $25,000 car. Those are acceptable, to me anyway.
My favorite though? The soccer mom driving the Escalade with a "support the troops." Yes, you're SUV that sucks up oil and pollutes the atmosphere faster then I can say Florida recount, is really a very impressive way to support the troops. But be honest, get a sticker that says "someone's son died so I could spend $140 to fill up my tank instead of $155" And I think I've mentioned the "ribbon" stickers before. But I'll say it again. To have your yellow ribbon next to a ribbon supporting the Chiefs, some how cheapens the message of one of the ribbons. Really, you support the Chiefs as much as the troops? This is supposed to impress me that you are such a patriot? I just Love that. Or "No Jesus, No Peace. Know Jesus, Know Peace." That one really gets me thinking. I mean, they borrowed from an old civil rights cry and made it fit their religious beliefs. And now I'm stuck behind them at a red light, watching them yell at their kids as I ponder God and my place in the world.
But the stickers that take the prize. The kind that will one day lead me to pushing your trunk up your ass at a red light. The pro-life stickers (side bar, if one side of the argument is pro-life doesn't this imply the flip side is anti-life??) Anyway, you have what is probably the most controversial hot topic of the past 20 years being addressed on the back of a car. I just can't see how anyone thinks their bumper sticker is going to sway someone's opinion on the matter. And for the most part, the pro-lifers or anti-choicers, don't exactly use any sort of tact. "Choose Life" is the tamest message I've seen. But, "Blacks didn't choose slavery, Jews didn't choose Genocide, Babies don't choose abortion." I mean come on! Get out of your car and let's have a chat. It's amazing that everything these days is so PC with the exception of what you can say when speaking out of your exhaust pipe. But my favorite, the pro-life sticker next to the NRA sticker. See, these are the people who might buy my "pardon my driving but your girlfriend is blowing me" sticker.
Otherwise it's cowardly. These people who use the back of their car to spread their, or more accurately, someone else's rhetoric. Be it the pro-choice sticker, or pro-life, anti or pro-Bush, even religious. You see that on someones car, and you see the car of a coward. How else do you describe someone who puts something on their car for the purpose of spreading a message yet not give those who disagree a chance to challenge them on their opinion? You are TRYING to get a reaction. Don't get mad or do something petty like press charges if I run you off the road. You wanted a reaction, so accept it. At the very least ,someone who wears a tee shirt with something controversial is allowing anyone who sees it a chance to call them on it. 99% of people won't. They'll walk away telling their friends what they'd like to say to the tee shirt wearer. And that's fine. Confronting strangers is kind of looked down upon by society anyway. But the guy, or girl, in the shirt allows you the opportunity to say something. Just as the guy with the funny tee shirt allows you to smile or laugh.
Now let me be clear, for the most part I think bumper stickers are tacky. And I have some ideas for some very funny, and crude stickers I wouldn't mind selling. I know I'd see them on the back of 92 Mustangs or an IROC. But there's something neat about the college kid in the beat up Festiva who knows the car is a piece of shit, so they cover the back of it with bands I've never heard of. Sometimes you recognize one band among the masses, and some how feel a connection with this driver. Or the simple sticker with a sports team. Or supporting a candidate during election time. But, the people who kept their "Kerry, Edwards" or "Bush in 04" stickers on, are the same people who keep their Christmas lights on their house till July. Idiots. I respect that they are such big fans that they are willing to put a sticker on a $25,000 car. Those are acceptable, to me anyway.
My favorite though? The soccer mom driving the Escalade with a "support the troops." Yes, you're SUV that sucks up oil and pollutes the atmosphere faster then I can say Florida recount, is really a very impressive way to support the troops. But be honest, get a sticker that says "someone's son died so I could spend $140 to fill up my tank instead of $155" And I think I've mentioned the "ribbon" stickers before. But I'll say it again. To have your yellow ribbon next to a ribbon supporting the Chiefs, some how cheapens the message of one of the ribbons. Really, you support the Chiefs as much as the troops? This is supposed to impress me that you are such a patriot? I just Love that. Or "No Jesus, No Peace. Know Jesus, Know Peace." That one really gets me thinking. I mean, they borrowed from an old civil rights cry and made it fit their religious beliefs. And now I'm stuck behind them at a red light, watching them yell at their kids as I ponder God and my place in the world.
But the stickers that take the prize. The kind that will one day lead me to pushing your trunk up your ass at a red light. The pro-life stickers (side bar, if one side of the argument is pro-life doesn't this imply the flip side is anti-life??) Anyway, you have what is probably the most controversial hot topic of the past 20 years being addressed on the back of a car. I just can't see how anyone thinks their bumper sticker is going to sway someone's opinion on the matter. And for the most part, the pro-lifers or anti-choicers, don't exactly use any sort of tact. "Choose Life" is the tamest message I've seen. But, "Blacks didn't choose slavery, Jews didn't choose Genocide, Babies don't choose abortion." I mean come on! Get out of your car and let's have a chat. It's amazing that everything these days is so PC with the exception of what you can say when speaking out of your exhaust pipe. But my favorite, the pro-life sticker next to the NRA sticker. See, these are the people who might buy my "pardon my driving but your girlfriend is blowing me" sticker.
June 12, 2006
Chucks Questions, Hirps Answers.
Leave your answers in the comments section
1.) Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
2.) Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.
Would you attempt to do this?
3.) Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?
4.) Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
5.) You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill?
6.) At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?
7.) Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.
You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?
8.) You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?
9.) A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commerical success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the liklihood of you reading this book?
10.) This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda."
Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?
11.) You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.
Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
12.) You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How much cash do you give the wizard?
13.) Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?
14.) For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
15.) You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days?
16.) Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (its essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear thatfor some unknown reasonyou have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?
17.) You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town youve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. Be careful of that guy, you are told. He is a man with a past. A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. Be careful of that guy, too, he says. He is a man with no past.
Which of these two people do you trust less?
18.) You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.
Which option do you select?
19.) Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you dont kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you cant tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?
20.) For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as brutally honest and relentlessly fair. Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing?
21.) Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything youve learned form having lived your life previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?
22.) You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people dont believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.
Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?
Answers:
1 Yes
2 Yes
3 Hitlers Head
4 No
5 What if I dont believe in soulmates? But yes I'll take it
6 No
7 If the President is still W, I go with Nessy
8 No. But it will probably be why we divroce
9 Yes. Sounds like a challenge to me.
10 The opening to the novel. Hate Heart
11 Leave
12 $40
13 I'd ask these questions
14 The majority would love it the same way most Jews love Seinfeld
15 Getting drunk and trying to have meaningful conversations.
16 No, don't love it yet
17 The guy with no past
18 10 minutes on the moon
19 "It was funny when Johnny Knoxville did it"
20 The indie-documentary
21 Earlier, 9 years
22 The second (although funny enough the second would be more likely to happen in my world)
1.) Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?
2.) Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.
Would you attempt to do this?
3.) Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?
4.) Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
5.) You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill?
6.) At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?
7.) Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.
You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?
8.) You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?
9.) A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commerical success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the liklihood of you reading this book?
10.) This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda."
Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?
11.) You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.
Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
12.) You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How much cash do you give the wizard?
13.) Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?
14.) For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
15.) You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days?
16.) Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (its essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear thatfor some unknown reasonyou have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?
17.) You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town youve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. Be careful of that guy, you are told. He is a man with a past. A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. Be careful of that guy, too, he says. He is a man with no past.
Which of these two people do you trust less?
18.) You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.
Which option do you select?
19.) Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you dont kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you cant tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?
20.) For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as brutally honest and relentlessly fair. Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing?
21.) Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything youve learned form having lived your life previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?
22.) You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people dont believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.
Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?
Answers:
1 Yes
2 Yes
3 Hitlers Head
4 No
5 What if I dont believe in soulmates? But yes I'll take it
6 No
7 If the President is still W, I go with Nessy
8 No. But it will probably be why we divroce
9 Yes. Sounds like a challenge to me.
10 The opening to the novel. Hate Heart
11 Leave
12 $40
13 I'd ask these questions
14 The majority would love it the same way most Jews love Seinfeld
15 Getting drunk and trying to have meaningful conversations.
16 No, don't love it yet
17 The guy with no past
18 10 minutes on the moon
19 "It was funny when Johnny Knoxville did it"
20 The indie-documentary
21 Earlier, 9 years
22 The second (although funny enough the second would be more likely to happen in my world)
Jerry + Carrie x Chuck = Must See TV
I've got it. The next great sitcom idea. Is it completely original? No. Clever? Yes. Would it be funny? No, it would be fucking hilarious with the right people involved. I'm still trying to figure out who play the main character. But I am leaning towards some what of a favorite and under appreciated actor.
First let me explain the premise. It's like the subject says. It's part Seinfeld, part Sex In The City and part ground breaking. A sitcom based on Chuck Klosterman and how he gets his material. His process, much like Sex In The City was based on that Carrie bitch getting her material as a writer. Also how Seinfeld got his material from his friends. Only this show wouldn't be "about nothing." Just the opposite. It would be about everything. His completely unique and totally honest point of views on anything from Star Wars defining Gen X to Lakers-Celtics in the 80s hiding the answer to every important question. And based on his story he told about the GnR cover band, there would be great episodes of him interviewing and writing hilarious features on bizarre characters. I'm telling you this could work.
My pick to play Chuck is Josh Charles. He's a "that guy." You may not know him by name but, if you saw a picture of him you would undoubtedly recognize and like him. And he is beyond due. He was great on Sports Night. IMDB him.
Now can I just say how great it is that Entourage is back? It really has knocked Sopranos out of the top spot. Back a few years ago, Sopranos would have its season premiere that would live up to every expectation. That made the wait worth it. This season it missed the call. Sure it was great to have T and the crew back but, they weren't hitting on all cylinders right away or really at any point in the season.
Vinnie, E, Turtle, Drama and Ari all came back without skipping a beat. And the fact that the show is only 30 minutes only wets your appetite even more. Just as you are in the middle of loving another episode, you sneak a peak at the clock to realize it has maybe 3 more minutes left. Never fails. Sopranos did that once. Very few shows do that. Make you yell shit just cause the show is about to end and you have to wait through a week of work and life before picking it back up again the following Sunday. And I don't feel the least bit pathetic that those 30 minutes next Sunday night will be the highlight of the week for me. I'm pathetic without Entourage. So how can looking forward to it make things worse for me? No, it makes things better. For those 30 minutes, the world is right. Man forgets man's inhumanities. The Yankees aren't the anti-christs. George Bush isn't President. For those 30 minutes.
First let me explain the premise. It's like the subject says. It's part Seinfeld, part Sex In The City and part ground breaking. A sitcom based on Chuck Klosterman and how he gets his material. His process, much like Sex In The City was based on that Carrie bitch getting her material as a writer. Also how Seinfeld got his material from his friends. Only this show wouldn't be "about nothing." Just the opposite. It would be about everything. His completely unique and totally honest point of views on anything from Star Wars defining Gen X to Lakers-Celtics in the 80s hiding the answer to every important question. And based on his story he told about the GnR cover band, there would be great episodes of him interviewing and writing hilarious features on bizarre characters. I'm telling you this could work.
My pick to play Chuck is Josh Charles. He's a "that guy." You may not know him by name but, if you saw a picture of him you would undoubtedly recognize and like him. And he is beyond due. He was great on Sports Night. IMDB him.
Now can I just say how great it is that Entourage is back? It really has knocked Sopranos out of the top spot. Back a few years ago, Sopranos would have its season premiere that would live up to every expectation. That made the wait worth it. This season it missed the call. Sure it was great to have T and the crew back but, they weren't hitting on all cylinders right away or really at any point in the season.
Vinnie, E, Turtle, Drama and Ari all came back without skipping a beat. And the fact that the show is only 30 minutes only wets your appetite even more. Just as you are in the middle of loving another episode, you sneak a peak at the clock to realize it has maybe 3 more minutes left. Never fails. Sopranos did that once. Very few shows do that. Make you yell shit just cause the show is about to end and you have to wait through a week of work and life before picking it back up again the following Sunday. And I don't feel the least bit pathetic that those 30 minutes next Sunday night will be the highlight of the week for me. I'm pathetic without Entourage. So how can looking forward to it make things worse for me? No, it makes things better. For those 30 minutes, the world is right. Man forgets man's inhumanities. The Yankees aren't the anti-christs. George Bush isn't President. For those 30 minutes.
June 09, 2006
Asses Slapping Asses
Last night I met up with a friend at a bar near my place. Did some people watching while I was there, and saw the biggest group of cheese dicks. We're talking guys over 30, acting like a cross between frat boys and 14 year olds. Okay, maybe those two are too similar to have a "cross between." I don't know. These idiots spent hours slapping each others asses and yelling good game, while playing golden tee and pool. They were having the time of their lives slapping each others asses. Woulda been one thing if that was their scene I guess. But when you watch them get rude with how they were hitting on the waitress or showing zero tact in checking out the women in the bar, you kinda get the feeling they wanted everyone to think they were straight. Now in my people watching, I also picked up on some of their conversation. They were from out of town and in KC for a week. One guy, I had pegged as being from the Bronx. Ended up talking to him for a minute about New York. Dude was wearing some cheesy ass gold jewelry, you know the type. Three or four chains, couple bracelets, rings and a gold watch. Talked with his hands. Didn't get offended when I called him Carlito Brigante. Yep, you guessed it. He was a Yankee fan. Even had a Yankee necklace. Although I think he wanted one of his buddies to give him a pearl one. Anyway, let me tell you about some of these other jerk offs.
One was actually from KC, and just a guy they started playing pool with. Now this guy was talking about money all night. And well, when you're the guy at the bar who is telling everyone around you that you make six figures yet you're wearing wrinkled dockers, scuffed up payless shoes and no watch, sorry I just can't believe it. Not because someone who makes that much money wouldn't wear that stuff. Plenty of people making serious bank can have zero fashion sense or just not put much into their wardrobe and that's fine. But if you're the guy who makes that cash AND talks about it? Well, then you also like what you wear and the drinks you buy to speak for you. I'm saying a Movado, Tag or maybe a Rolex. Hell, a Citizen at the very least. But cheap cell on the belt clip? The only question was why the hell did I notice this shit? I'll tell you. First thing I thought about after seeing these guys for a few minutes and their antics was, "this is going into a post."
Now for the guy from Texas. The guy who kinda kept his eye on the Heat-Mavs game. Yet didn't make a peep till the game was tied. Then he was all about "you don't mess with Texas." I shit you not. He got all proud of the Mavs then. And this is when he noticed the Rangers-Royals game was on and the Rangers were up 11-10. He thought that was awesome Um, dude your team has given up 10 runs to the Royals. You might as well brag about fucking an ugly chick. Sadly he wasn't there to see the Royals actually won the game. I mean, I want the Mavs to win. But just cause he was such a jackass, I found myself actually pulling for the Heat for a few minutes. Then I went back to realizing Pat Riley is the basketball equivalent to Judas. Or so I think. What's a Jew know about Judas? I know I don't know much about Judas but he doesn't seem real popular. Anyway, fuck Riley. But this guy. This fuggin' guy. Texan right? They have cowboys right? Cowboys are supposed to be gentlemen right? That's the appeal I thought. I hear him talking to the waitress. He wants to put his tip (money) in her back pocket. She says no, so he says what if there's another 10 in there (money again) I see her smile and say no, so she takes the tip (money pervs) smiles and turns around, and makes this face. It was classic. Her face said "I'm going to kick this guy in the balls so hard the come out of his mouth, then I'm going to rip off his head." It took a split second for her to go from kind smile to asshole customer, to so pissed it's scary. I later offered her $10 to "accidentally spill a drink" on this clown. Mainly cause for $10, it would have been great entertainment. She declined. I have no doubts she put rat poison in his drink though. Or so I hope. Look, I'm not against having a good time at a bar and with the staff there. But there's no reason to be a complete jackass. Anyone who has been out with me knows I'll check out the scenery and sometimes be pretty obvious about it. But you won't ever see me high five a guy cause some girl across the bar is cute.
All this brings me to the good news. Wanna see a group of guys have a good time, hit on AND actually get the girls, party like everyone wants to? Well the wait ends Sunday. Entourage is back! And I couldn't be more pumped about it. Coming after a disappointing Sopranos season, with a buzz and more hype then a New York City point guard, I have all the confidence that it's going to be an unforgettable season. The first two seasons were fantastic. And I think it's just going to get better. Entourage gets better and better. And season three is what makes a show a classic. Plenty of shows had huge followings and critical acclaim for their first two seasons. But any show that nails season three, ends up in the hall of fame.
One was actually from KC, and just a guy they started playing pool with. Now this guy was talking about money all night. And well, when you're the guy at the bar who is telling everyone around you that you make six figures yet you're wearing wrinkled dockers, scuffed up payless shoes and no watch, sorry I just can't believe it. Not because someone who makes that much money wouldn't wear that stuff. Plenty of people making serious bank can have zero fashion sense or just not put much into their wardrobe and that's fine. But if you're the guy who makes that cash AND talks about it? Well, then you also like what you wear and the drinks you buy to speak for you. I'm saying a Movado, Tag or maybe a Rolex. Hell, a Citizen at the very least. But cheap cell on the belt clip? The only question was why the hell did I notice this shit? I'll tell you. First thing I thought about after seeing these guys for a few minutes and their antics was, "this is going into a post."
Now for the guy from Texas. The guy who kinda kept his eye on the Heat-Mavs game. Yet didn't make a peep till the game was tied. Then he was all about "you don't mess with Texas." I shit you not. He got all proud of the Mavs then. And this is when he noticed the Rangers-Royals game was on and the Rangers were up 11-10. He thought that was awesome Um, dude your team has given up 10 runs to the Royals. You might as well brag about fucking an ugly chick. Sadly he wasn't there to see the Royals actually won the game. I mean, I want the Mavs to win. But just cause he was such a jackass, I found myself actually pulling for the Heat for a few minutes. Then I went back to realizing Pat Riley is the basketball equivalent to Judas. Or so I think. What's a Jew know about Judas? I know I don't know much about Judas but he doesn't seem real popular. Anyway, fuck Riley. But this guy. This fuggin' guy. Texan right? They have cowboys right? Cowboys are supposed to be gentlemen right? That's the appeal I thought. I hear him talking to the waitress. He wants to put his tip (money) in her back pocket. She says no, so he says what if there's another 10 in there (money again) I see her smile and say no, so she takes the tip (money pervs) smiles and turns around, and makes this face. It was classic. Her face said "I'm going to kick this guy in the balls so hard the come out of his mouth, then I'm going to rip off his head." It took a split second for her to go from kind smile to asshole customer, to so pissed it's scary. I later offered her $10 to "accidentally spill a drink" on this clown. Mainly cause for $10, it would have been great entertainment. She declined. I have no doubts she put rat poison in his drink though. Or so I hope. Look, I'm not against having a good time at a bar and with the staff there. But there's no reason to be a complete jackass. Anyone who has been out with me knows I'll check out the scenery and sometimes be pretty obvious about it. But you won't ever see me high five a guy cause some girl across the bar is cute.
All this brings me to the good news. Wanna see a group of guys have a good time, hit on AND actually get the girls, party like everyone wants to? Well the wait ends Sunday. Entourage is back! And I couldn't be more pumped about it. Coming after a disappointing Sopranos season, with a buzz and more hype then a New York City point guard, I have all the confidence that it's going to be an unforgettable season. The first two seasons were fantastic. And I think it's just going to get better. Entourage gets better and better. And season three is what makes a show a classic. Plenty of shows had huge followings and critical acclaim for their first two seasons. But any show that nails season three, ends up in the hall of fame.
June 08, 2006
The Next Post
Alright so I'm going to warn you. This is going to be a longer then normal post. So, lock the office door. Take the phone off the hook. Put a pillow over the kids heads. Or, just be prepared to be interrupted and come back to this later. Whatever works best for you.
I got to thinking about this last night as I read more of "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs." Then began working on it inside my head last night and more on the way to work today. Which is typically how my personal favorite posts all begin. That said, I guess I've hyped this one up. Perhaps you're thinking it's the next ____ post? And oh the irony. That's exactly what this is about. "The next."
The Next, is something I've been a big fan of for as long as I can remember. Old friends Bum and V make fun of me for it, and it bugs them. Whenever there's a new young ball player I like to compare him to someone. It's the quickest and simplest way to accurately describe someone. To say, "Reggie Bush is the next Barry Sanders," automatically gives whoever you're talking to a very clear reference point for your expectations for said athlete.
I don't believe this is a sports only phenomenon. Hardly. Music, movies, TV and the people in our lives. Almost everyone and everything is "the new or the next ____" Take your personal life. I'd be willing to bet that everyone in your life plays a specific role in it. And before they came along, there was someone else who was in that role. Even the people that are totally un-like anyone else ever. That's their role. The wild-card. They may be completely different then the previous "wild-card." But that's because they are supposed to be.
As for pop culture, this theory is proven time and time again. And studio heads, record execs and television producers all know this. They plan, hope and dream to re-capture lightning in a bottle. And often do. Here's a list I've come up with of "new" or "next".
Old New/Next
Johnny Cash - Eminem
John Lennon - Everyone wanted it to be Kurt Cobain but I'd argue it is in fact Tupac.
Robert Deniro - Edward Norton
Al Pacino - Adrian Brody. See Ten Benny, The Restaurant and Liberty Hill and tell me you don't see young Pacino.
Harrison Ford - Will Smith. Sure he's black to Fords white guy. But he is the new wise ass action hero who guarantees 100mil at the box office
The Monkeys - The original boy band. New Kids, then N'SYNC.
Sliced Bread - The toaster, the microwave.
The phone - Touch tone, cordless, to cell phone
All In The Family - Married With Children
Happy Days - 90210, I shit you not. The similarities are uncanny
I Love Lucy - Will and Grace
Red Foxx - Richard Pryor ->Eddie Murphy -> Dave Chappelle
Willie Mays - Barry Bonds/Ken Griffey Jr
Dr J - Michael Jordan -> Kobe Bryant and now there's a handful of guys who have some Jordan in them
Oscar Robertson - Magic Johnson -> LeBron James who also has some Jordan and Dr J in him.
Nolan Ryan - Roger Clemens -> was supposed to be Kerry Wood then Josh Beckett
The toy rock - Fucking Furbies
David Farra(my 1st best friend) -David Hazen ->Brendan Kennedy then different people combined to fill that role
I really liked the movie Crash but the entire time I kept feeling as if it was like watching an updated Grand Canyon. How many times have you seen a movie that gave you that feeling?
It's like Chuck said in reference to MTV's The Real World. Everyone that gets casted on to that show, knows they have a role to play. Either the gay guy, the player yet angry black guy or the naive girl from the south. Everything else we see, at the very least attempts to play the role of something that came before it. Or maybe we try to put in that spot. We're still little kids who spent 10 minutes trying to hammer the square through the circle and in time figuring out where everything goes.
I got to thinking about this last night as I read more of "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs." Then began working on it inside my head last night and more on the way to work today. Which is typically how my personal favorite posts all begin. That said, I guess I've hyped this one up. Perhaps you're thinking it's the next ____ post? And oh the irony. That's exactly what this is about. "The next."
The Next, is something I've been a big fan of for as long as I can remember. Old friends Bum and V make fun of me for it, and it bugs them. Whenever there's a new young ball player I like to compare him to someone. It's the quickest and simplest way to accurately describe someone. To say, "Reggie Bush is the next Barry Sanders," automatically gives whoever you're talking to a very clear reference point for your expectations for said athlete.
I don't believe this is a sports only phenomenon. Hardly. Music, movies, TV and the people in our lives. Almost everyone and everything is "the new or the next ____" Take your personal life. I'd be willing to bet that everyone in your life plays a specific role in it. And before they came along, there was someone else who was in that role. Even the people that are totally un-like anyone else ever. That's their role. The wild-card. They may be completely different then the previous "wild-card." But that's because they are supposed to be.
As for pop culture, this theory is proven time and time again. And studio heads, record execs and television producers all know this. They plan, hope and dream to re-capture lightning in a bottle. And often do. Here's a list I've come up with of "new" or "next".
Old New/Next
Johnny Cash - Eminem
John Lennon - Everyone wanted it to be Kurt Cobain but I'd argue it is in fact Tupac.
Robert Deniro - Edward Norton
Al Pacino - Adrian Brody. See Ten Benny, The Restaurant and Liberty Hill and tell me you don't see young Pacino.
Harrison Ford - Will Smith. Sure he's black to Fords white guy. But he is the new wise ass action hero who guarantees 100mil at the box office
The Monkeys - The original boy band. New Kids, then N'SYNC.
Sliced Bread - The toaster, the microwave.
The phone - Touch tone, cordless, to cell phone
All In The Family - Married With Children
Happy Days - 90210, I shit you not. The similarities are uncanny
I Love Lucy - Will and Grace
Red Foxx - Richard Pryor ->Eddie Murphy -> Dave Chappelle
Willie Mays - Barry Bonds/Ken Griffey Jr
Dr J - Michael Jordan -> Kobe Bryant and now there's a handful of guys who have some Jordan in them
Oscar Robertson - Magic Johnson -> LeBron James who also has some Jordan and Dr J in him.
Nolan Ryan - Roger Clemens -> was supposed to be Kerry Wood then Josh Beckett
The toy rock - Fucking Furbies
David Farra(my 1st best friend) -David Hazen ->Brendan Kennedy then different people combined to fill that role
I really liked the movie Crash but the entire time I kept feeling as if it was like watching an updated Grand Canyon. How many times have you seen a movie that gave you that feeling?
It's like Chuck said in reference to MTV's The Real World. Everyone that gets casted on to that show, knows they have a role to play. Either the gay guy, the player yet angry black guy or the naive girl from the south. Everything else we see, at the very least attempts to play the role of something that came before it. Or maybe we try to put in that spot. We're still little kids who spent 10 minutes trying to hammer the square through the circle and in time figuring out where everything goes.
June 07, 2006
Now This Makes Perfect Sense
http://sports.espn.go.com/rpm/news/story?seriesId=2&id=2474395
Check that story out. Or don't and let me tell you what it's about. The brillian folks that brought us Scientologyhave gotten in the Nascar game. Bringing together the two greatest evils in America today. Well that might be extreme. But name me two other "institutions" that draw more whack jobs and white trash then Scientology and Nascar. Four left turns and aliens. Now L. Ron can get his crap out to everyone in the south that didn't, er, couldn't read his book. The region of the country that has the most UFO sightings? This can't be good for anyone.
Check that story out. Or don't and let me tell you what it's about. The brillian folks that brought us Scientologyhave gotten in the Nascar game. Bringing together the two greatest evils in America today. Well that might be extreme. But name me two other "institutions" that draw more whack jobs and white trash then Scientology and Nascar. Four left turns and aliens. Now L. Ron can get his crap out to everyone in the south that didn't, er, couldn't read his book. The region of the country that has the most UFO sightings? This can't be good for anyone.
Guest Column
From "AfricANON"
I was reading this blog called the diary of a mad Kenyan woman, she was infuriated, and rightfully so about the issue of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, having so much control of Africa, such that the had control over who flys over the country of Namibia. This is really pathetic on us Africans as a whole, despite all the years of education we still settle at the bottom, The rest of world really does not seem to notice us as equals, but rather as slaves or cheap labour. The disdain is obvious and worse is the xenophobia amongst ourselves. Don't we have educated indivuduals? don't we have the natural resources? The idea of a quick financial fix accompanied with greed is the destruction of us, as a people.
I was reading this blog called the diary of a mad Kenyan woman, she was infuriated, and rightfully so about the issue of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, having so much control of Africa, such that the had control over who flys over the country of Namibia. This is really pathetic on us Africans as a whole, despite all the years of education we still settle at the bottom, The rest of world really does not seem to notice us as equals, but rather as slaves or cheap labour. The disdain is obvious and worse is the xenophobia amongst ourselves. Don't we have educated indivuduals? don't we have the natural resources? The idea of a quick financial fix accompanied with greed is the destruction of us, as a people.
Reading is FUN da mental
So I gave this activity a try. Been hearing about it for years. Pronounced eading but, spelled "reading." The R is silent much like the J in Jogging. Anyway, I've actually read some books before. Entire books, no pictures! I shit you not. And this was passed on to me by a friend who thought I'd like it. I'm enjoying it so much I'm recommending it before I'm even half way through the thing. Let's see the New York Times do some thing so drastic.
The book, "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs." Penned by Chuck Klosterman. Which is cool, cause who thinks to name their kid Chuck anymore? Other then southerners. Anyway, his writing style is pretty similar to the guy who has the single most impact on my style. You know him as Sports Guy, aka Bill Simmons. I just call him God. But if he is God, Chucks a profit. It's not a novel, right now I'd have to label it as philosophy. Although it really should be the basis for a religion or at the very least a cult. Wait, that was redundant sorry. Basically, it's just this fellas observations, and they are dead on balls accurate. (name that movie) I'd write more but, really I need to read more first.
The book, "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs." Penned by Chuck Klosterman. Which is cool, cause who thinks to name their kid Chuck anymore? Other then southerners. Anyway, his writing style is pretty similar to the guy who has the single most impact on my style. You know him as Sports Guy, aka Bill Simmons. I just call him God. But if he is God, Chucks a profit. It's not a novel, right now I'd have to label it as philosophy. Although it really should be the basis for a religion or at the very least a cult. Wait, that was redundant sorry. Basically, it's just this fellas observations, and they are dead on balls accurate. (name that movie) I'd write more but, really I need to read more first.
June 04, 2006
We Kept Our Rep Bro
That we did. A few of the boys and I from the Bad Beats crew played in a decent size, high stakes tourney this weekend. And to say the last, we kept our rep. A 18 man tourney, with 5 guys from the group of guys I usually play with. Out of the 5, 4 were at the final table. Including an all Bad Beats final 3. The highlight of which ended with Porqchop and myself going heads up for nearly $1000 in prize money. Something the two of us joked about doing late last week. See, he and I have spent many hours playing heads up. And let me tell you, I played my ass off. And I also took first place and enough money to pay for my airfare and hotel for my Vegas trip in October. Good times. I'll admit, I got mighty lucky three times. Twice I sucked out, beating guys who flopped trips as I drew to a flush and a straight respectively. The other time was just sticking around on a hand I probably should have folded, and catching my third five on the river to all but cripple the then chip leader. All in all, my most profitable night of poker or any kind of gambling. Congrats to Porqchop who, as expected, put up a helluva fight in our heads-up play. Coming back from what was probably a solid 4-1 chip deficit to even having the chip lead at times. Anyway, I'm off to roll around in some cash. Happy flops and sweet turns to you all.
June 02, 2006
2:1 They Went to MU
The role of grandparents sure has changed. This is from cnn.com
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Cops: Couple ordered hit on grandkids
Wanted to stop testimony at son's rape trial, police say
Friday, June 2, 2006; Posted: 12:35 p.m. EDT (16:35 GMT)
TAVARES, Florida (AP) -- A couple tried to hire a hit man to kill their three grandchildren and daughter-in-law to stop them from testifying against their son in his rape trial, authorities said.
The couple, ages 60 and 59, were charged with four counts each of criminal conspiracy to commit murder. They were being held without bond.
Police said the pair initially offered $100 to an undercover sheriff's deputy to kill their son's wife, their 10-year-old granddaughter, two step-grandchildren, ages 14 and 16, and the family dog.
More money was promised after the killings, said Lake County sheriff's Sgt. Christie Mysinger.
The couple's 31-year-old son has been jailed since November on 22 charges of sexual battery on a child, lewd and lascivious molestation and showing obscene material to a minor, court records show.
Detectives say his daughter and stepdaughter are the victims. The Associated Press has withheld the names of the grandparents and the family members to protect the children's identities.
The man tried to solicit a fellow jail inmate to kill his family, the arrest report said.
An informant told detectives about the plot and they arranged to meet the man's parents Tuesday at a Best Western motel in Tavares, a lakefront community about 30 miles northwest of Orlando, police said.
"(The deputy) said, 'You want me to kill everyone, including the dog?' They agreed," Mysinger said.
The son's attorney, Peter Sartes, said he had no details on the parents' arrest. It was not clear who was representing them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Now this is just messed up no matter how you look at it. But what gets me, $100 to whack how many people AND a dog?? With the promise of more money later. Are you shitting me? If I'm clipping a family I just don't think I'd really have much faith in the "more money later" claim if all they can pony up on the front end is one benjamin. What was it, $100 up front and $25,000 after it's done? Idiots. More evidence that they have ties to MU. Only MU alum are this bad at crime. Well, MU alum and KCK.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Cops: Couple ordered hit on grandkids
Wanted to stop testimony at son's rape trial, police say
Friday, June 2, 2006; Posted: 12:35 p.m. EDT (16:35 GMT)
TAVARES, Florida (AP) -- A couple tried to hire a hit man to kill their three grandchildren and daughter-in-law to stop them from testifying against their son in his rape trial, authorities said.
The couple, ages 60 and 59, were charged with four counts each of criminal conspiracy to commit murder. They were being held without bond.
Police said the pair initially offered $100 to an undercover sheriff's deputy to kill their son's wife, their 10-year-old granddaughter, two step-grandchildren, ages 14 and 16, and the family dog.
More money was promised after the killings, said Lake County sheriff's Sgt. Christie Mysinger.
The couple's 31-year-old son has been jailed since November on 22 charges of sexual battery on a child, lewd and lascivious molestation and showing obscene material to a minor, court records show.
Detectives say his daughter and stepdaughter are the victims. The Associated Press has withheld the names of the grandparents and the family members to protect the children's identities.
The man tried to solicit a fellow jail inmate to kill his family, the arrest report said.
An informant told detectives about the plot and they arranged to meet the man's parents Tuesday at a Best Western motel in Tavares, a lakefront community about 30 miles northwest of Orlando, police said.
"(The deputy) said, 'You want me to kill everyone, including the dog?' They agreed," Mysinger said.
The son's attorney, Peter Sartes, said he had no details on the parents' arrest. It was not clear who was representing them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Now this is just messed up no matter how you look at it. But what gets me, $100 to whack how many people AND a dog?? With the promise of more money later. Are you shitting me? If I'm clipping a family I just don't think I'd really have much faith in the "more money later" claim if all they can pony up on the front end is one benjamin. What was it, $100 up front and $25,000 after it's done? Idiots. More evidence that they have ties to MU. Only MU alum are this bad at crime. Well, MU alum and KCK.
Matuhirping? Say It Aint So
So, I thought when I first read this bit of news it might kinda bug me. Just cause, you know, immature guy shit. Not the case. But just found out an ex is getting hitched and actually I'm just happy for her. I mean, this is a girl I had a thing for dating back over 10 years till things didn't work out about a year and a half ago. And believe it or not, I'm totally cool with it. Not a surprise cause I shouldn't be. A surprise, I've matured! Never sure if I like finding that out about myself. For the most part I think I'm still the same guy I was at 16, or 19. It's till I hear my age or my friends ages that I realize, shit I'm not a kid anymore. More to come on this subject in a future post.
The thing is, I've always just kinda gone at my own pace through life. So in some ways, I know I'm probably behind most people my age. But in other ways, I'm fairly certain I'm years ahead. And not just because I hang out with a bunch of geriatrics. I'm gonna make a mistake here and admit something. A plot I had in place about a year or so ago. Immature shit. But, it's okay cause it's pretty funny. And that's the rule. It's okay if it's funny. This by the way is why I can't be a parent.
Anyway, with said girl, Hirp was bitter. No shit. Big surprise huh? Anyway, as we know. Bitter Hirp is kinda fun. As long as you aren't why I'm bitter. So the plan came about with the help of a friend, to send this girl a wedding announcement. Now, truth is she might read this now that we got in some sort of contact again. That's one reason this is a mistake. Also, other prospective girls could read this some day. But shit, it was something I DIDN'T do. So, let's make that clear. And who hasn't wanted payback on someone that hurt them? Everyone plots shit like this. Maybe not this exactly. But, it's human nature. You know you've thought about just running down a co-worker in the parking lot. So, really this is nothing. And it was well done. Nice professional design. High quality paper. In fact it went from being a plot, to more of an idea for a cheesy chick flick. Yes, I said chick flick. Make a comment Porqchop. I'm gonna break man law here. Fact is we don't hate chick flicks as much as we say. We just use them for leverage. And secretly, we take notes. Deny all you want, you all know damn well it's 100% true.
The thing is, I've always just kinda gone at my own pace through life. So in some ways, I know I'm probably behind most people my age. But in other ways, I'm fairly certain I'm years ahead. And not just because I hang out with a bunch of geriatrics. I'm gonna make a mistake here and admit something. A plot I had in place about a year or so ago. Immature shit. But, it's okay cause it's pretty funny. And that's the rule. It's okay if it's funny. This by the way is why I can't be a parent.
Anyway, with said girl, Hirp was bitter. No shit. Big surprise huh? Anyway, as we know. Bitter Hirp is kinda fun. As long as you aren't why I'm bitter. So the plan came about with the help of a friend, to send this girl a wedding announcement. Now, truth is she might read this now that we got in some sort of contact again. That's one reason this is a mistake. Also, other prospective girls could read this some day. But shit, it was something I DIDN'T do. So, let's make that clear. And who hasn't wanted payback on someone that hurt them? Everyone plots shit like this. Maybe not this exactly. But, it's human nature. You know you've thought about just running down a co-worker in the parking lot. So, really this is nothing. And it was well done. Nice professional design. High quality paper. In fact it went from being a plot, to more of an idea for a cheesy chick flick. Yes, I said chick flick. Make a comment Porqchop. I'm gonna break man law here. Fact is we don't hate chick flicks as much as we say. We just use them for leverage. And secretly, we take notes. Deny all you want, you all know damn well it's 100% true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)