Hirplings

This is getting to be a bit ridiculous, and a man in my position can’t be made to feel ridiculous! We’re now at three consecutive Sunday nights with less than desirable sleep. And by desirable, I mean half-way decent. The first was the most understandable, being the night before rejoining the work force after 64 weeks off. That was a bit nerve wracking. The second didn’t make too much sense. I was just anxious because my first week back at work, I didn’t do a thing. So I was worried about what it would it would be like to do some actual work. Now last night was just fucking dumb. What thoughts were keeping me up? I was anxious about “what if I can’t sleep again?” The fear of not sleeping kept me awake. If I could turn that into some sort of “fear of gaining weight” diet, I could retire within a month. Welcome to the Hirp’s mind.




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So far in 2011 we’ve seen 19 people shot in Tucson with six of them passing away from their injuries, three law enforcement officers shot in St. Petersburg, four officers shot inside a police precinct in Detroit, and two officers killed in Miami. Two deputies were shot outside a Wal-Mart in Washington. Another cop was shot in Indianapolis (he’s in a coma), and one in Oregon is in critical condition. Oh, and by the way, that was just over a 24 hour period. Eleven officers in one day, yeah, let’s stay as far away from gun control as possible. There are definitely not too many guns in America. But there are just way too many bullets. As Chris Rock said:



“Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. Fuck, that, I like guns. If you've got a gun, you don't need to work out! Cause, I ain't working out. I ain't jogging. No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cos if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!' And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?'”

Top 10 Movies of '10

Now that I FINALLY watched The Social Network, I'm ready to post my top 10 movies of the year.

Top 10 Movies of 2010:

10. The Fighter: Strong, very well done movie, which suffers from too much hype and a story that just felt too familiar, even if this exact story hadn't been told before. I'd like to see Amy Adams get Best Actress. I thought Christian Bale was over the top to the point of annoying…until they showed us the real Dickie. Hey, that sounds like a different Wahlberg flick.

9. Kick-Ass: I went with Porqchop, and I didn't know much about it going in, but it was the funniest movie of the year. The geeks are now owning the screen in Hollywood: Aaron Johnson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Jesse Eisenberg and Michael Cera. Only thing missing is some sort of "Pack" nickname. "Dweeb Pack" just doesn't have the same ring as Rat, Brat or Frat.

8. Toy Story 3: Kept the Pixar streak alive. Sweet, funny and good fun for the entire fam.

7. The Kids Are Alright: Stellar performances all around, but it just wasn't the sweet-quirky movie I was expecting. I blame the previews, because it just may have deserved a higher ranking. But when I'm expecting quirky Juno-esque, it's best to not let me down. Love everything Mark Ruffalo does, Julianne Moore never fails to deliver and Annette Benning delivers one memorable performance per decade, and this was it.

6. Inception: When I walked out of this complete mind raping, I was sure it would end the year atop my list. But then a strange thing happened, after the first few days of obsessing over the genius of the story, I pretty much stopped thinking about it completely. Deserves a second viewing, I just can't bring myself to dedicate so much time and energy again just yet.

5. Social Network: Aaron Sorkin flat out rules. If we spoke the way his characters did, the world would be a far superior place. As I said, I just finally watched this, so perhaps the hype was too much to live up to, I just wasn't blown away. Thoroughly enjoyed it, as I went from despising Zuckerberg to sympathizing for him, an emotion no billionaire deserves.

4. The Town: My favorite movie of the year. Saw it twice in the theatre, purchased the BluRay upon release, and have watched it two more times at home. Ben Affleck has fully entrenched himself as his generations' Clint Eastwood, and Jeremy Renner is phenomenal. Check out the extended version for a one scene in particular.

3. 127 Hours: Might be the most intense, yet physically difficult to watch, movie I've ever seen. Flying solo, Franco owns the screen, which guarantees a nomination like playing a gay or mentally handicapped character.

2. True Grit: Jeff Bridges is outstanding, as is the unrecognizable Matt Damon. But Hailee Steinfeld steals the scenes like Natalie Portman did in The Professional. She's going places.

1. The King's Speech: For a while I was dead set on the idea that Collin Firth deserved Best Actor, but I think that maybe I felt that way because A. he was phenomenal and B. it made me feel smarter to go with the British film. I'm changing my vote to James Franco. His performance stuck with me longer, than any other this year.

Worst Movie of the Year: No contest, and also winner of most disappointing movie was Due Date. I'd like my money, my 90 minutes and my self respect back. Please and thank you.

(I have yet to see: The Black Swan, Winter's Bone, The Ghost Writer, Solitary Man, or I Am Love)

One for Christina Taylor Green

The first time I ever "blogged" was years before they called it blogging. I did so in response to a local tragedy, a car accident that took the lives of three local girls. The next time was my reaction to the Columbine shootings, and I'm sad to see that neither site is up any longer. Thanks, AOL. I've also, as you hopefully have noticed, have written numerous times about September 11. So it makes perfect sense for the horrible events in Tucson to bring me back. Not that I think it's a good thing, this just helps me vent when crazy, horrible shit happens.

Saturday afternoon I was dosing off on the couch, not so much because I was even that tired, it's just my natural reaction to "iCarly" or whichever awful show the Kyd had me watching. Then my bride came out of our room, looking very worried. She explained what had been reported up till then, that a Congresswoman in Tucson had been shot, and there were other victims. Being that my parents live in Tucson, she had tried calling them, but there was no answer. So she began to worry. Not because she thought the odds of them being around a shooting in Tucson were all that high, but at first glance, that shopping center looked exactly like the one around the corner from my parents. And my parents are Democrats, and if they were just around the corner from a chance to meet their Representative, they would have been there.

A short time later we got them on the phone, so that was a relief. That's when we found out that my mom had volunteered this past year in Congresswoman Giffords' office. Shit got even more real then. From there, it just seemed to get more and more personal. As I'm sure most of us found different bits of news easy to relate to, I felt like it was just one thing after another. When it broke that one of the victims was a sweet, precocious, inquisitive nine year old, well, that rattled my cage. Oh, and she was born on 9/11. And, this sounds completely trivial, I'm sure, but her Grandfather was a former Major League Baseball manager. And he just happened to be a former manager of the Mets.

Then last night I found myself glued to the TV watching President Obama give a truly inspirational speech at a memorial service in Tucson. I'm not here to argue politics, this time, but while I like a lot of the things Obama has done, and have been less than pleased with others. He reminded us all why he won the election: he's a leader. Not only did he say the right things, you could tell he meant them. It was absolutely perfect. His old consigliore, Rahm Emanuel, has taken flack for saying, "you never want a serious crisis to go to waste." If you take that as, exploit the hell out of it for political gain, I can see it being offensive. For me, it sounds like something I'd say to the Kyd. A crisis, or a tragedy is a great opportunity to learn something. To make the right choices, and come out the other side a better person.

I believe that's what Christina Taylor Green would think too, and she deserves our good example.

Lebron and the Race Card

I’m a firm believer that race, along with class, sex and religion, plays a role in every aspect of our lives. It happens every day of our lives, and in every situation. When our President’s religious beliefs are questioned like no other President in history, his race is at least part of the reason. When we sports fans notice the amount of blacks on any given team in any given sport, yet never make the same observation when its white players, race is in play. It’s not just race. I can’t stand Sarah Palin, but I’ve read countless comments about her being a woman.


So you’d think I’d take Lebron James’ side when he states that race is playing a role in the way the public has turned on him in less than a year. Only I don’t buy it. I don’t completely disregard it, either, but I don’t think it’s the driving force. It was the way he handled everything. It started when he was in high school, and began calling himself “King” James. Then a few years ago, when everyone began to speculate on what Lebron would do, and rather than simply say “no comment” he fanned the flames. Up to how poorly he played his last few games as a Cleveland Cavalier, and continuing with the groveling he forced teams to go through to recruit him. Right up to the awful one hour special that his team thought of. Every one of these actions lead to him becoming one of the most hated athletes in America from one of the most loved.

Had he just left Cleveland, the way Alex Rodriguez left Seattle; sure there would have been a backlash. Much like there was for A-Rod. It would have been a little more personal, because after all, Lebron is from Ohio. It wasn’t just someone leaving, it was a home town kid. And generally, the only time an icon in sports is given a pass, for signing with a new team, is when he signs WITH his hometown team. That’s why Ken Griffey Jr was still loved in Seattle, after he left them for Cincinnati. Barry Bonds was often disliked, but no one was really upset that he went to play for the Giants. A-Rod could have signed with the Mets or the Yankees, and still been the highest paid ever, and most people would have been okay with the move.

So right there, Lebron was volunteering to fight a losing war. But because he had so openly flirted with the Knicks, Nets, Bulls, Clippers and Cavs that so many more fans had a vested interest. For years, Knicks fans were convinced that he would be playing in the Garden. Then he started treating free agency like a season of “The Bachelor.” It all came to head with his one hour special, filmed in New York. He was sending mixed signals. Why would he host a special, if he wasn’t going to say “I’m staying,” unless he wanted to rub every ones noses in his decision? Why would he set this thing up in New York if he wasn’t signing with the Knicks?

Picking Chicago made sense even, as it was so well known how much he loved Michael Jordan. So much, that he has campaigned for Jordan’s #23 to be retired. He even announced last season, that he was changing his number to 6. Only if he was changing teams, he wouldn’t need to submit paperwork to the league offices, as he did. This was another, very public, sign that he was staying.

Lebron made this a public spectacle. So, in turn, his fans made their disapproval his behavior just as public when he signed with the Miami Heat. Some went too far, but let’s remember, fan is short for fanatic. And picking Miami, well that was just another middle finger to basketball fans. Never before had a player in the middle of the prime of his career, joined forces with his buddies. It insulted the competitive nature of sports.

Had he played his cards close to his chest, then left, he would have only broken the hearts of Cleveland fans. Who just so happen to be the most broken hearted group of fans in the country. They would have called him a traitor and cursed him for leaving home. But he insulted fans from New York, Chicago and Los Angeles too. That’s a lot of people, a lot of passionate fans, to piss off. They weren’t pissed because he was black, they were pissed because they believed he was coming to save them. He worked hard to cultivate his image. One of a loyal guy, who surrounded himself with his high school buddies. He chased greatness and accepted the Jordan comparisons with open arms. He smiled and joked around with everyone, and made so many fans fall in love with him. And he did this at a time where sports fans were growing tired of antics. Tired of the Favre watch, or rape charges, DUI’s, and the TO’s. Lebron looked to be the good guy. But he chose to piss all over that.

Lebron now says that race has played a role in the backlash, I honestly feel that race hasn’t played a smaller role in a situation at any point in our history.

Really, Never Forget.

Nine years. Can’t believe how fast it’s gone by and how much has changed, in both, the country and my own life. Nine years ago I was scared shitless, as we all were. Today, I’m still scared, perhaps even more so. And I’m also pissed. In the days, weeks and months after 9/11, I saw countless “Never Forget” bumper stickers. Sadly, it was a promise we didn’t keep. Oh, we remember the gory details. I bet more Americans remember the flight numbers of those doomed planes, than they remember that the Alamo doesn’t have a basement.

We just forgot everything else that we promised to “never forget.” We forgot courage, kindness and decency. 

Shame on us. As scared as I was in the aftermath of watching that iconic image wiped off the face of the earth, there was a sense of pride in my country that I felt, and felt around me. Unlike the North and South Towers, there’s no footprint remaining. We should be ashamed of ourselves. Remembering who took the towers down, and attacked the Pentagon as well as killed those innocent men and women in a field in Pennsylvania, that was never going to be forgotten. Just as no one has forgotten who killed 12 million men, women and children during World War II.

Remember how your political party wasn’t important? You cared about your friends, your co-workers and your neighbors. Even the ones you didn’t really get along with before 9/11.  If you had to travel, you were understanding of the waits at the airport, and you appreciated them. Life slowed down, just the right amount. We kept moving forward, because shit, we had to, only we took time to appreciate the fact that we could move forward. Even if that meant carrying guilt.

We were angry, and rightfully so. We wanted the bastards that did this to us. But at some point we lost sight of who that was. It was a select number of assholes, who had long left the reservation. It wasn’t everyone who prayed like they did, or lived in the same country. In fact, the country they came from was a friend. We wanted to wage war, and avenge our fallen. America, fuck yeah, let’s roll. So we rolled on em. Only we never took time to ask why. Why did they feel so much hatred towards us? So much that they’d give up their own lives, to take out innocent victims on our side. That’s a whole new level of hate. Above and beyond what we felt towards those damn Russians in the good ole days.

Nothing makes more sense, than to ask why. If you work with someone that doesn’t like you, maybe you know why, or maybe you guys just don’t mesh. Fine, that’s life. Now if that guy wants to knock you the fuck out, you might want to figure out what’s caused these feelings. So, you know, you can prevent him from pushing your teeth down your throat. Chances are, the hate doesn’t stem from the fact that your cube has a view, and his doesn’t. Even if he does end up punching you, it’s good to understand what you did to push him to that action. Not because he’s sane, but because you have to worry about the crazies. Crazies have a long history of fucking things up for the rest of us.

Just recently, I was re-watching Bowling for Columbine. Those two kids had it rough, as do so many kids in high school.  What they did wasn’t at all a logical response, but it was a response none the less. And it’s the illogical responses you have to worry about. Every action could have a completely insane reaction. It doesn’t normally happen, but when it does, you’re sure going to remember it. So be a little proactive, and try not to piss off the crazies.

We didn’t do that. We still don’t do t hat, and that’s why we feel just in burning Korans or telling Muslims where they can build. It’s not the logical, peace loving Muslims we have to worry about offending. It’s creating another Osama Bin Laden, or worse yet, someone else who is willing to fly a plane into one of our buildings. Or worse.

(In regards to Park51, build the damn thing. 71% of American’s are against it? Fine, build it quickly. How many Americans were for abolishing slavery at the time? How many fought against Civil Rights? America isn’t about doing what’s popular, or it shouldn’t be. It’s about doing the right thing. Or so I was taught. They aren’t comfortable? So, they’ll adjust. Don’t be a dick about it, but since when has religion cared about making everyone happy.)

We promised to never forget, and we haven’t kept that promise. That doesn’t mean it’s too late. Try to think back to how you treated people on 9/12. What was important then can be important again. Rebuilding, be it a building or an economy, isn’t just about speed. It’s about doing it right. Keeping the good stuff in mind, and not just making dolla dolla bills ya’all.

I just realized I wrote a similar post  last year  and I’m going to keep saying it, because I haven’t forgotten. 

Game on Beck-heim

Religion belongs in politics, like children belong in porn. I seriously mean that, and I’m not just talking young kids, I mean the 16 and 17 year olds too. First off, it’s wrong, and against every moral value we supposedly stand on. It’s also gross and hugely offensive. But that’s what “Restoring Honor,” brought to us by that Glenn Beck tool, is all about. He’s such a humble guy, he was telling us ahead of time how this was going to change the country.

Of course, I don’t think Beck believes that. I don’t think he really believes most of the garbage he spews. Look at his back ground, it isn’t one of a journalist. He isn’t a professor or even a college graduate. He’s an entertainer, who plays the role of a leader of some kind. Glenn Beck isn’t Jesus, he isn’t Jon Stewart and he isn’t Anderson Cooper. He most closely resembles Howard Stern, just a shock jock. Only Stern is funny while being offensive, and Beck is just dangerous.

Beck earned a reported $32 million last year. Earning such a healthy wage is his right, though not God given, just American given. But when someone, with no training in reporting, is able to pull such an insane amount of cash, you have to start wondering why. It’s not, as he often says, because the truth hurts. In fact, the truth doesn’t hurt at all, it’s living a lie that hurts.  The money is a motive, like it often is, to bend the rules. Not so much laws, but to start emphasizing aspects of one’s self. Like a porn star getting a boob job. I’m sure Beck is a fan of the Constitution and a conservative fella, I just don’t actually believe he agrees with every stance he takes. But for $32 million, I might even tell you I’m a Nascar fan who rocks Zubuz on the weekend.

You know how they say teenage drivers act like “it won’t happen to me?” Well, that’s how most of us really act when it comes to the country going to shit. If you listen to past generations, it’s been going to shit since this thing got up and running. But no one really thinks they’ll see the collapse of the country in their lifetime. We’re not Russia for crying out loud. And this is just how Beck thinks. It won’t happen, but why not make a few bucks jumping up and down crying fire in a crowded theatre, it’s a pretty good paying gig.

So now he’s going to restore our honor, and I’m not even sure what that means.  We had honor? When did we lose and who took it? Oh that’s right, the non-believers.  Even though a recent report states that roughly 75% of adults in this country would call themselves Christians, there’s some how a lack of believers in America, and we need to find God so bad, that we should throw out a few of our core fundamentals. Freedom of religion? Gone, and see ya later Seperation of Church and State. Only what happens when you combine religion and decision making? You get Iran, or Hamas, you get the nut bags and extremist.

We have had our boots in the sand in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. And what, it’s just a coincidence that 15 of the 19 terrorists on 9/11 were from Saudi Arabia? Right, and it was just a coincidence that the SS worked for Hitler. But when an Imam states that America has blood on its hands, as well, that’s just the most offensive thing since “your momma was a snow blower.” We have blood on our hands. We fight wars, and over stay our welcome, that’s what happens.

Most Americans aren’t far right or far left, we’re pretty much in the middle. But if you listen to either side, you’re either with em, or against em. Never mind the fact that most of us want the same things. A job, a safe place to raise our families, a future we can be excited about, and for anyone with 13 items in the 12 items or less lane to be shot on site. But saying that doesn’t get ratings and therefore it doesn’t make money. If 75% of us are believers and wanted religion in our politics, we’d be a one party system by now. Funny how that hasn’t happened.

If we could just exorcise  religion from politics only, we could debate issues and decide what makes sense to us, and which Church one prays at would be as relevant as which football team we root for. Instead, we actually spend time polling Americans to see how many think Obama is a Muslim. I wish, when asked about his religious beliefs, President Obama would have said nunya. It’s simply none of our business. Only you can’t get elected if you keep your religious beliefs to yourself, or your marital issues inside your marriage.

End result? Rather than Beck, and most of us, being right that America won’t really fall in to an abyss in our lifetimes. Well, it just fucking might. Lord help us. Oh, and like George Carlin, when I pray, I pray to Joe Pesci. 

Switch

Two things you should know. Okay, two things you probably already know: I’m a fan of Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy, and I’m a fan of Jennifer Aniston. Those two collide in my head today because of something Simmons’ wrote. Basically, he summed up Aniston’s career as a bust, and that she isn’t married because by playing the role of the victim, she remains relevant. The first point is more complicated, and the second isn’t my business. Now it’s true that Aniston hasn’t picked the best roles. I can’t even bring myself to consider watching The Bounty Hunter. Derailed was actually painful and embarrassing to watch, and Along Came Polly is as memorable as a trip to the DMV. She picked those movies, and they weren’t any good. So she’s guilty of some bad decisions.

I think the real issue, isn’t just her bad choices, it’s the lack of quality roles to pick from. She’s in her 40’s, she’s attractive and she’s funny. How many roles are out there for someone fitting that description to begin with? And aren’t studios first calling up Julia Roberts? Then Sandra Bullock, and after that, its either a 20 or 30 something, or ask Meryl Streep to do it. Ask yourself, where have Naomi Watts, Uma Thurman, and Nicole Kidman gone? Hell, the last time I saw Ashley Judd was when the Kyd rented The Tooth Fairy. Has Cameron Diaz been memorable in anything since There’s Something About Mary? If Hollywood wants a serious actress, they’re calling Hillary Swank or Kate Winslet. Occasionally they ring Angelina, but not that often. Two of the better actresses who just happen to be around the same age as Jennifer are now working on Showtime series. There are simply not enough quality roles to keep the top actresses working in quality movies. Two roles that come to mind, that I think Aniston would have been good for, are smaller roles. Roles that went to Vera Farmiga, The Departed and Up in the Air.

Honestly, I do not actually want to see this, but the writers easily could have made Hot Tub Time Machine or the Hangover vehicles for the ladies. And you know what; there still wouldn’t be a role for Aniston, because they largely went with cheaper talent. Truth is, most of the public only wants to see her as Rachel Green, and she still looks just like Rachel. Tom Hanks resembles the guy from “Bosom Buddies.” 

Hirp'd Off

I never really meant for this blog to get all political, but that seems to be the only consistent topic to get me riled up enough to post.

This week it’s the idiots who are losing their minds about a proposed Islamic Faith Center, and Mosque, in lower Manhattan. The site is actually 2 ½ blocks away from Ground Zero, although that doesn’t matter. I have yet to read about a magical boundry that makes everything okay, eight blocks? Jersey? It has nothing to do with where it is, just that there are some very religious people, who don’t believe what most Americans believe, and that a few of their so-called “believers” did a tremendously horrible thing. For shits and giggles, along with a splitting headache, I sometimes like to read Sarah Palins Tweets. She’s always full of such wisdom. If wisdom had the same meaning as bullshit. “Peace-seeking Muslims, pls understand, Ground Zero mosque is UNNECESSARY provocation; it stabs hearts. Pls reject it in interest of healing”

A Mosque isn’t a provocation; it’s a place of worship. I’m used to reading Sarah Pain going on about how great the United States is because of our freedoms. When Dr. Laura went off her rocker and dropped the “N” bomb 11 times, and then, by her own choice, decided to against renewing her radio contract, Ms. Pain rallied her troops with an impassioned tweet “Dr.Laura:don't retreat...reload! (Steps aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased 2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence"isn't American ,not fair") Shocking, she defends the rights of a conservative and not the rights of Muslims. She sure has leader written all over her. She’d be great as the head of the KKK.

The truth is, those who are most uncomfortable with this Mosque should be the ones fighting for it the hardest. They’re the ones who most need to understand that Muslims have the same split as the rest of the religions. They have their nuts, but by in large, most are just looking for some sort of guidance and a feeling of belonging. Timothy McVeigh was a registered Republican, yet I don’t think anyone is worried about how close the Oklahoma GOP office in OKC is to the memorial park. Jews drive German cars, and Hawaiians’ drive Japanese cars. Southerners even travel to New York City. People, some how, are able to cope with all these things, even though there’s been some serious shit in the past.

I’ve also read that some have issue with the Imam behind this idea. I guess he said something in the past about He pointed some blame at the US for the 9/11 attacks. I know this is hard to take, but yeah, we did some shit that lead to that awful day. If someone walks up to you and punches you in the jaw, it’s good to understand what you may have done that upset someone so much that they’d take such a chicken shit way to retaliate. We didn’t see things through to the end after helping Afghanistan defeat Russia. We bailed on Iraq after the first war and we left our troops in Saudi Arabia for years. And we’re offended by a Mosque? That attacks our sensibilities? If you hear someone saying that, the truth is, they don’t have any sensibilities to be offended. Does that justify the killing of 3,000 innocent citizens? Hell no, but you can’t discount the fact that it upset some peeps.

Of course, once religion gets involved, all the rules fly out the window..oh there’s a really horrible pun there, and I won’t touch it. Leave it up to me, and I’d like to see every religious house of worship shut down. Only it isn’t up to me, thankfully, and the Constitution affords all of us the freedom of religion. And the Constitution wasn’t written by gang members, so there’s no territorial claims in that motha. Again, this is just one more of the worlds problems that wouldn’t exists in a world that had no organized religion.

All of this is really just crap to build campaigns around, I even doubt if most people believe this is such a horrible thing. But it’ll get people upset enough to pick a side on Election Day. And that got me to thinking: after a Tsunami or a major earthquake, we send out the Clinton and Bush show. Those two have actually built some sort of genuine relationship, and we like to pimp that sort of thing. Only we pimp it around the globe. Well its time we send those boys out around this country. Two former Presidents, who really piss off the other party, working together, for the good of the United States. That may be the one thing that can actually help bring us together. That, or another terrorist attack. Which would you rather see?

Shady’s Back

Guess whose back, back again. Hirp is back, tell a friend. I'd like to start off by thanking Senator Orrin Hatch for pushing just the right moment to make me write again. See, since being laid off I decided against blogging. I was afraid to write about how much being unemployed sucked, would only make being unemployed suck even more. It's stressful enough, and this is one thing I have total control of. Then tonight the better half and I were watching the "Rachel Maddow Show" and she showed a clip of your statement that chased me back to the keyboard.

You've gone on the record, saying you believe those receiving unemployment benefits should be drug tested. Okay, that's bullshit, but I'll respond to that in a minute. Then you took it a step further, and for one of your reasons for blocking an extension of benefits you said this, "will just buy drugs with it anyway."

Well that got my attention, and after some ridiculous Facebook updates, I decided I had more to say. Since you haven't been in my shoes, the last 7 months, where I've sent out hundreds upon hundreds of resumes. Which has resulted in no less than 5 interviews and just a handful more call backs. And every time I'm online looking for a job, I see a few dozen iPhone ads, which just serve as a reminder to why I'm unemployed. Because the former Executive Douche where I worked, passed on the iPhone, cost the company billions and when he was shown the exit door, he had a nice $55 million check to cushion his fall. Hell, I should be doing drugs at this point.

Only I never have. I haven't even smoked a cigarette in my life, let alone a joint or a line of coke. But because I was unlucky enough to be laid off in a shitty economy, you just assume I'm using that money to buy drugs. You must be talking about bills, cause they sure keep getting higher, not me. So you want me drug tested, fine, let's do it. Not because I'm unemployed, but because I cash checks that the government signs. Based on that logic, I'm good to go. But you and your staffers better be being in a cup too. Till then, shut the hell up.

I'm not asking you to shut up because you're a complete jackass, I can only think that helps make the Democrats look better. I'm asking you to shut up, because what if just one potential employer hears you're wild accusation, and believes it. Now, not only am I competeing with thousands of others who were just laid off, but its assumed that I'm a drug addict too. Because I really need that.

Which reminds me of this gem from Good Will Hunting:

"Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

Orrin Hatch, you're the shrapnel in my ass.

Tick Tock

Being nervous is just part of my nature, and I think this proves that Judaism is at least on some level, more than just a religion. Ever since I was a kid, any kind of change would throw my head in to a tizzy. My stomach would soon follow. First day of school approaching, would result in me getting very little sleep for the last week or two of summer. Hell, most Sunday nights gave me an upset stomach. Maybe it’s a sign of some great weakness, that’s entirely possible.

Well for the past month, my stomach has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride. One of those shitty ones too, where my head’s rattling between the safety device, that’s meant to keep me on the ride, but may be causing brain damage in the process. That’s how long ago we found out there would be some layoffs at work. D-day is right around the corner, as it was announced that we’d find out this Friday, who stays and who goes. But being that I’m on vacation as of Friday, I get to find out Thursday. Oh, and today is Thursday (I may have started writing this a few days ago) Wait, I have to go throw up again.

I’m back. Friday also happens to be my wife’s birthday, with next week being the Kyd’s 8th and mine is a week after that. Oh, and then there’s Thanksgiving right after that. So really, this is a crappy month to make a family stress. By the time most of you read this, all three of you, I’ll either be ecstatic or ordering another drink.

*

Maybe the Yankees will hire me; we all know they pay well. There’s a few things I’m definitely not, those being; a Republican, a Yankee fan and tall. But looking at the core of these Yankees, I have to admit, I kinda like those guys. Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte are all class acts. Trust me, admitting that is hard for me. So I offer sincere congratulations to them on winning another title. Hopefully the champagne really hurts A-Rods eyes, and just maybe he can fall off the back of his ride during their parade down the Canyon of Heroes.

Hirplings

I realized something today, a share of stock at the company I work for is selling at just $3.24 more than a share in my company. And I don’t have a company.

Something else about where I work that I just don’t understand. In our restrooms, its all automated. Toilet flushes for you, sink turns on and the soap is dispensed with the help of a sensor. The paper towel, however, is manual. Head to the break area, and everything is manual except, you guessed it, the paper towel. Huh?

*



A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering to trade sex for World Series tickets, as she wanted to score some tickets for her husband and herself. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Hirp knows how big of a Met fan I am, and how much I’d love to see them in the Series, but I’m happy to say: she’d never do that.

*

Kate “Mother of the Year” Gosselin has let it be known, that she wants to be in the movies. “I’ve done enough years on TV that I feel like it’s a normal, comfortable, natural place to be,” said the insane woman. How do any of those three adjectives describe life as the star of a reality television show? Maybe it’s normal and comfortable, or even natural, when someone has something close to an actual talent. The Kardashian’s have more to offer a television audience than this lunatic, and I’m not referring to Kim’s ass.

Of course, nothing about raising eight kids would be normal, but I’m pretty sure pimping your children is far from natural. Comfortable for the Joe Jackson’s, Joe Simpson’s and Gosselin’s of the world, but then again, all three of them are loons. And so now she wants to be in movies. That’s just great, I’m sure she can star in a Roman Polanski movie, and being such a fantastic parent, she wouldn’t think twice if he asked her to bring the kids to the set. Her goal just has to be; to see how much she can mess up her kids. It’s only a matter of time before TLC or VH1 throws her, “Octomom,” the Heene’s, and Michael Lohan are starring in “The Surreal Parenting Life.” With idiots like these being so famous, I wonder what Al-Qaeda thinks. No need to plan any more attacks, we’re obviously pretty screwed up as it is.

*

Back in 1994 I was writing for my school newspaper. Yep, I just admitted it. I sucked, by the way. My writing sucked and I was without a doubt, the biggest pain in the ass. I had a thing where I wouldn’t write any of the stories assigned to me if I didn’t want to. A little bratty, I know this, and I knew it then. Thing was, I refused mostly because I was just terrified of interviewing anyone I didn’t know, because that would mean, you know, having to talk to them.

I did, however, write the longest story of the year. I imagine it’s still the longest article ever written for that horribly run paper. It was my NBA Preview, and it ended up appearing in three issues, rather than one, and that still wasn’t enough. What the students of West Beverly missed, was me correctly predicting an NBA Final of the Knicks versus the Rockets. I got the outcome wrong, as I picked the Knicks. Shocker huh?

So today I take my second, much shorter stab at an NBA Preview. I say it’s the Spurs against the Celtics in the Finals, with the Spurs winning the title.

HirPolitics

We’re not supposed to buy into stereo types, even though we all do, at least occasionally on some level. Most of us, those that HAVE a sense of humor, will enjoy poking fun at those stereo types. The great comedians are able to use those stereo types and our insecurities related to them, as great material. See Larry David, Wanda Sykes, Daniel Tosh, Mel Brooks, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle and anyone else that’s funnier than Dane Cook for examples. But the thing about those stereotypes is, there’s always a group of people who fit the bill perfectly.

I recently read a story about how Rush Limbaugh fell for a hoax regarding President Obama. The hoax goes like this, Limbaugh reported a story as fact on his show, and that story claimed that the President wrote a thesis in college that slammed the Constitution.

"While political freedom is supposedly a cornerstone of the document, the distribution of wealth is not even mentioned," read the bogus Columbia University thesis. "While many believed that the new Constitution gave them liberty, it instead fitted them with the shackles of hypocrisy."

So Rush takes to the airways, and tells his moronic listeners all about it. Then he later finds out the thesis never existed. Does he apologize for not doing any actual reporting? No, of course not, instead he takes the stance that it’s satire, but in all good comedy must contain an element of the truth. “And we know how he feels about the distribution of wealth.”

I guess, Rush, that means all the jokes we hear about you being a racist, hate mongering, anti-Semitic, pill popping, “big fat idiot” must be based on some truth, and you’re admitting as much by giving the hoax even the slightest bit of credibility. That’s fantastic. Thanks for admitting what millions already knew. I guess that also makes any jokes I make about your listeners, based on truth, even if I haven’t done the research to back up just how stupid they are.

See Rush, you do as much to make white men look stupid as OJ Simpson does to make black men look violent, or Madoff does to make Jews look greedy and Bin Laden does to make Muslims look hateful and dangerous. Good job, asshole.

Now here’s what I want to see, but it never will happen. I want to see Fox News, yes you Bill and Glenn, go on air and blast Rush for failing to do “real reporting” just as you’d blast Jon Stewart if he reported that Limbaugh wrote a thesis at his junior college about bringing back slavery. By the way, I like that I can find videos online that say “the media say Rush Limbaugh was hoaxed” as if Rush isn’t actually a part of the media. So what is he does again?



This all got me to thinking, and I usually avoid that activity at all costs. Recently a hate crime bill passed, that now makes it a federal offense to beat up someone for their sexual orientation. The Republicans were largely against this because it’s already a crime to beat anyone up, and making it a federal offense because of the thought process (or lack thereof) that lead to the attack is “a thought crime.”

On some level, I agree. I’m not sure if it should matter why someone is assaulted, if its their skin color or just because they spilled a beer on you at a bar shouldn’t really matter. Hitting anyone is wrong. But then again, there’s something extra sick about the fact that such violent acts can take place just because we’re different. My point is, I find it damn funny that on one hand Republican’s are afraid of “thought crimes,” because we can’t really measure what one’s thoughts were. And at the same time, so many of these Republicans seem to know exactly what thoughts our President is having, and how he has this awful plot to take over the world.

Is this really so different? Shouldn’t they judge him on his actions, and not what ideology may or may not be inspiring him? Glen Beck can call the President a racist, with a “deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.” And that matters, but if someone beats the snot out of someone just for being black or gay, well all that really matters is the act. The Republican Party, where logic and common sense go to die.

Buffoon Boy

Like the rest of the world, I was captured by the adventures of balloon boy last week. Well, at first I couldn’t help but laugh. It just seemed too funny, and it was so surreal that I lost the fact that there was a six year old boy in that thing. Then I realized, wow, he’s probably either dead or going to die. The way that thing was moving, I couldn’t imagine him being secured, and I figured his body was just being tossed about like a rag doll, and so he was either going to break his neck up there, freeze to death, die from the helium or from the landing.

Then it landed, and I’m convinced that those on the scene knew he wasn’t in there. Only one guy ran towards it, and then they took forever to really check it out. It looked as if they were more concerned with just keeping it grounded, and not rescuing anyone. The thought has crossed my mind, while the balloon was in flight, that maybe he wasn’t on board, and had hid because he knew he was in deep shit. Then when we knew for sure he wasn’t onboard, I started smelling a hoax.

I really never felt that he just fell out of the thing. I mean, if he did, I imagined the door would be open. He was either hiding, because he messed up his dad’s project, or the family was full of shenanigans. This marks the first time in FromTheHirp history that I’ve used the word, “shenanigans,” and you know what, I have to admit that it felt good. As soon as it came out that his family had been on “Wife Swap” I knew two things. These parents are going to lose custody of their kids, and someone’s getting arrested.

The next day I saw the now infamous clip from Larry King, and it didn’t even phase me. That’s exactly what you’d expect a six year old to do when he’s asked to lie to the nice people. If his parents knew anything, they would have asked him to tell the truth, and maybe whispered how “daddy won’t get in too much trouble, and you can visit him in prison.” Then he would have lied.

I’ve long rallied against reality television, and here’s an event that just gives my argument even more support. This is the type of crap we can expect to happen, as long as we go on rewarding stupidity. Stupidity is the best get rich quick scheme since Ebay, and you don’t even need a computer to be stupid. As that damn thing was flying around Colorado, I know I wasn’t the only one that was already wondering about the first interview with the family and at the very least a guaranteed book deal.

That’s what you get when something goes wrong in your life now, as long as it’s caught on tape. I can only think of one situation, where an average Joe was given the opportunity to cash in on his bad luck and took a pass. That was Cubs fan, Steve Bartman, the guy who reached for a foul ball. He could have written a book, had his own show, probably released a CD (doesn’t matter if he can sing) and maybe even hosted a talk show. Only he has some integrity and class, the idiot.

Really, just look at TLC. Supposedly it’s The Learning Channel, but their programming revolves around stupidity. Act like an idiot, pimp out your kids and legalized kiddie porn:

I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant
Jon & Kate Plus 8
18 Kids and Counting
Say Yes to the Dress
Toddlers and Tiaras
King of the Crown


I’ll tell you the only part of this story that makes complete sense, before CNN has even pieced it together. The “brains” behind this operation, well his name IS Richard. Tell me this is not just absolutely poetic, he’s The Dick.

*

It dawned on me, that if 28 year old me could meet me now, he’d probably make fun of me. He’d probably think that I’m all cheesy for the way I occasionally talk to my wife. So perhaps that means I actually have matured, but then I consider how I’d respond to 28YOM (28 year old me for those of you scoring at home) and I’d tell him to go blank himself, and I know he would.

Game On

I’ll be honest, I love a good debate or conversation about those issues society tells us to shy away from. I still believe there’s a time and a place, and that we should pretty much avoid name calling and all that playground stuff. But I think it’s a blast to spend hours talking religion, politics and how retarded the DH is. So, like everyone else, I have an agenda. I’m sure they think they, like my self, have the best of intentions. And maybe they do. But my wife sent me an email that she received yesterday, and all I can say is, game on. Well, that’s not all I can say, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing what I imagine will be a 1,500 word response.

It appears that the Post Office is going to produce a stamp that honors the end of two Muslim celebrations, EID for short. Funny enough, the email has a link, http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/e/eid.htm, and it appears those sending it around haven’t even taken the time to read their own link. The website explains that the Post Office produced similar stamps in September 2001 and October 2002.

But here’s what scares me, the text that’s circulated inside the email:

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE.
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11/01.
REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM
attacks. Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp.
I strongly urge you to REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this
stamp when purchasing your holiday stamps at the post office. To use this stamp
would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands
of those whom this stamp honors. I also strongly urge you to pass this along to every Patriotic AMERICAN you know, whether by email.

They (MUSLIMS) don't even believe in Christ, & they're getting their own Christmas stamp! BUT, don't dare to dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property! This is truly UNBELIEVABLE !!!
--
It is truly unbelievable, unbelievably full of bull shit, hate and hypocrisy.

First off, those acts were committed by small groups of fundamentalists, who just claim to be of that faith, a rather clever tactic used by, well the three major religions. There’s an old adage, “all’s fair in love and war,” sure you’ve heard it before. No, they didn’t play by the rules of engagement, so shame on them, and the horror of these acts isn’t lost on me. But I can understand this much, if we lined up to fight a war with them, and everyone agreed to play by the same rules, we’d absolutely slaughter them. So what’s left? Any means necessary, sorry, but survival is our most basic instinct. And when one group feels threatened, they can use that fear to their advantage. They can spread hate, and inspire some wack jobs to do some crazy ass shit. Sound familiar?

Secondly, I call another old adage to the stand. Mr. Pot calling the Kettle Black, is true that we can tie some horrific acts to many religions? Exhibits 1-5: The Crusades, slavery, murdered doctors, President Bush claiming that God told him to invade Iraq, and the taking of land from the Native Americans. I can go on, but instead I’m going to quote President Bartlet (again):

“Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?”

Thirdly, Muslims DO believe in Christ. Really, this is pretty widely known, so I can only wonder why kind of jackass added that bit of commentary. They see Jesus as a Prophet, but not the Son of God. The Qu’ran, what’s what “they” call their “bible,” actually contains the 10 Commandments. It’s not “them” that opposes having the Ten Commandments on federal property. It’s people like me, and people that you know, truly believe in the separation of Church and State and Freedom of Religion.
Those rights are where one could find a legitimate beef with this, and all religious stamps. Yes, even your cute red nose reindeer. If you do the math, and add up all of the American’s killed in those listed attacks, the total is about 11,000. Which is truly tragic, no question. But if you do the math on the other side, we’ve killed (from various sources online) almost 150,000. So we can keep hating them, spread false information about their beliefs and they can do the same. The hate and the killing can keep going, I guess. Who benefits? On our side, there’s politicians who get more powerful, and companies that get richer. Might cost us a few neighbors or family members, but we’re fighting the good cause. The bitch of it is, they think the same thing.

The only real solution I see, that’s more than a band-aid, is also the least likely solution. Actually, it’ll never happen, but the best way to end the hate is to end organized religion. Not just theirs, and not just ours. Imagine you have two kids in the playground fighting, you don’t do anyone favors if you only send one to detention, and having them sitting there pissed that they got in trouble, isn’t going to end any hostility. Or you know, I guess you can wait to see what kind of emails they send about each other and believe who ever types in all caps AND bolds their text first.

iGoogle

It’s not H1N1 (um, I can’t believe I didn’t blog it, but last spring I really did say it was just the effin’ flu!) and I think we’ve ruled out Mad Cow, SARs and the plague. All signs point to a sinus infection, but it’s been a bitch for almost two weeks. The point, as I do have one. I can’t wait for a good nights sleep again. From time to time Mrs. Hirp and I discuss a mini-Hirp, then we either see a parent dealing with a baby throwing a fit in the middle of Target, see an ad for daycare that makes my wallet quiver or we experience a few sleepless nights. Then we realize, we’d be just as happy to babysit for 30-45 minutes. That, and the Magic 8 ball says, “my sources say no.” Pretty scientific, I’m sold.

This weekend was act three, of trying to teach the Kyd how to ride a bike. First of all, I really find it hard to teach anyone something that I know how to do. Trying to teach my dad how to upload photos from his camera and email them, damn near gave me a stroke last night. Explaining to my mother how to use Facebook, took a year and two months off of my life, and trying to explain to a co-worker how I produce a report nearly led to some work place violence. Yet, some how, I’ve remained pretty patient with the Kyd. Surprisingly patient, so much so, that I’m a little afraid of when the well is dry. But really, it’s a lot of fun. If she’d just relax a little, stop worrying about falling, and you know, do what G says. Then again, her life would be a lot easier if she’d just listen to her father, mother and I. Mostly her mother. Like when she pointed out the Emo kids at Oktoberfest were wearing, and how they were acting, and told her, “never bring one of them home.”

When she said “them” she was referring more to the piercings, the dyed hair and using language that even Fox frowns upon. I was thinking more along the lines of “them” as, anyone with a penis. She says potato; I say potato is to be thrown at boys. We’re on the same page. These are some what related. Fact is, today I’m going to Google “teaching a kid to ride a bike,” just as if we ever did have a baby, my wife and I have discussed how I’d Google everything. Seriously, I mean starting from pregnancy. And I’ve been around mothers-to be more than any guy my age that never had one of his own. I’d be able to give my wife 36 opinions on what kind of water she should drink during the pregnancy, I’d read the first 83 pages that discuss how to properly secure a car seat, and I’d finally read up on that soft spot. Might even give up my old joke about how playing with the ride side of the soft spot will make the left leg do funny things. Porqchop’s nanny didn’t appreciate that one. I can’t imagine how parents did anything without Google. Just like I can’t imagine how any business ran without email, or how we really functioned without cell phones.

HIRPreaching

The better half and I watched Bill Maher’s documentary, Religulous over the weekend, and I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I never saw Passion of the Christ, but I get the feeling that this movie was for me, what that meant to so many Christians. Except, you know, for the fact that one movie was fiction and the one we watched, is one of those pesky non-fiction flicks.

What really gets me is when I think about how these religions perceive God. First off, we can all agree, that with so many different religions, not everyone can be right. I mean, it’s just not possible. If the beliefs were taught as ideas, as Chris Rock said, then everyone would be better off. But every side thinks they’re right, and everyone else is wrong. Even religions themselves have different sects, so they’re waving the same flag but arguing over if the flag is going from left to right or right to left. So they can’t all be right, but at the same time, they CAN all be wrong. We understand that much when it comes to politics, most of us anyway.

Then when I think about many of the stories I’ve heard, from the different faiths, I can’t help but think about what a bad parent God would be. Believers think God picks favorites, can be pretty violent, wants us to follow strict rules without exception or explanation, sometimes cares who wins sporting events, cares more about specific parts of his land than others, and never takes out the trash or washes dishes. Who of us would like to parent like God, or have a parent like God?

I see some of the attraction to religion, and that’s community. Ask me what I believe, I’ll tell you I’m agnostic. But ask me what religion I am, and I’ll still say I’m Jewish. Weird huh? But for me, my Judasim really isn’t about the Torah or arguing about when the Messiah will come. It’s connecting with where I come from. Its’ partaking in some of the traditions that my parents did before me, and those before them. It’s a way to bond with people. Sports does that too, as does politics. I know, because last week at Target, I was received a smile from a stranger, simply because we both were wearing KU shirts. I know because, as bad as it sounds, I’m slightly less likely to want to ram the guy that cut me off, because I saw an Obama sticker on the back of his BWM.

I once posted here that we should treat religion as we do our favorite teams, and I still believe that. But till then, I’d really like for a Nascar driving to be sponsored by an Agnostic organization. I can’t think of a better way to reach millions of Christians on a Sunday.

Now here’s something I don’t do often, but I admit, I just might be wrong. That possibility does exist, well, about God. There really could be some supreme being that made this universe happen. I’m not wrong, however, in thinking that every religion has it wrong. Being someone who believes what I do, which technically makes me agnostic, also pretty much means that I’m against the idea of organizing those with like beliefs. If we went out, got our little tax exemption, and gathered on a regular basis to preach about our beliefs, that’d be a pretty giant step in the direction of hypocrite city. Been there, didn’t care much for it. Expensive real-estate.

But at the same time, that’s almost what we need to do. Maybe its time to start arguing for my side, in a similar fashion to the way the religions argue theirs. Anytime I write a blog, tweet or Facebook some thing critical of religion, I end up wondering if I’ve offended anyway. I mean, I know I’ve offended some, but I wonder who. It’s actually not my intention, but at the same time, why shouldn’t I voice my opinion? Every day I see countless bumper stickers that voice some ones opinion. I drive by multi-million dollar churches that stand for the opinions of some. My money tells me that in God we trust, even if, as I learned in Religulous, our Forefathers thought more like me. So let me be clear, my intention isn’t to look down on anyone, even if it sounds like that (hey, did I basically say “I mean this with no disrespect”) but I don’t think I should bite my tongue for the sake of what’s socially acceptable. I no longer think that we’d be better off if everyone just kept their religious beliefs to themselves, because those beliefs carry too much weight.

I’ve often heard from those that oppose affirmative action, speak about how they feel that the best man or woman should get the job. Sure this makes perfect sense, in a perfect world. I’ve also read those posters at work, the ones that mention how, among other things, religious beliefs can’t be used in the treatment of employees. Yet, some how, the religious beliefs of politicians isn’t just open for debate, it’s used as tool to gain voters. What the hell is that all that about?

And I saw on Youtube, a comment made on some Religulous clip that those who don’t believe will “find out soon enough.” That’s not good enough. I’m more concerned with my life on earth, making things better for the Kyd and everyone that comes after. So I can’t wait to find out later. Yeah, and by the way is complete bull shit. If so many people really felt that way, well, Sarah Palin would welcome those fictitious “death panels.” If death was so great, it’d be really easy to cut health care costs. All those who believe, please feel free to decline any and all health care.

That won’t happen, because death is freakin scary. The unknown, sure, that’s scary, but more so the known. It’s knowing that all decisions will now be final, and that all of our on going conversations are done. That we won’t see someone else get married, or kiss our loved ones goodnight one more time. It means we won’t see the sunrise, or at the very least, you might not. Maybe you’ll see everyone up in a place called heaven. I can imagine Tupac and Biggie doing a song with Frank. Michael Jackson as a black man, singing with skinny Elvis, and those loved ones we lost, along with all the previous generations. And those generations would probably ask Tupac and Biggie to turn down the music, some might not like that dark Michael fella, or question why the white Elvis is singing negro music. Because, really, what are the odds that our bigotry stays behind?

Maybe there’s something after our time here, since no one has come back and told me, I’ll just follow Red’s advice: Get busy livin’, or get busy dying.

He also said, “Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” Maybe its time to speak up. Maybe, if we could all just imagine a world with no religion. It’s easy if you try. With no religion, do we think those “extremist” are really going to attack us? With no religion, is the United States of America spending so much time on foreign oil, “delivering democracy” (along with some bibles). Really, imagine a world with no religion. That isn’t to say imagine a world without God, if that’s what you believe in.

Mike and 'Ye

Words often used to describe Michael Jordan: great, icon, unstoppable, focused, gravity defying, champion, clutch, phenomenal, and extraordinary and that’s just the very tip of the iceberg. After watching his Hall of Fame induction speech on DVR over the weekend, I have some new adjectives to describe the G.O.A.T (Greatest of All Time). These first come to mind: petty, small, insecure, immature, jackass, and damn near pathetic.

He started of talking about how we already know pretty much everything about him, and I get the feeling he was actually holding back from telling how what a nuisance all his fans have been. Then it becomes perfectly clear, why we never really saw Jordan being Jordan in all those years of being in the spotlight. He’s really a dick. Those of us, who followed his career, heard the stories of him punching out teammates. But that was just him being ultra-completive. Or so we thought. He’s not nearly as articulate or humble as he’s portrayed, and that’s the real reason he never spoke candidly the media, the way Shaq, Barkley or Magic did.

I watched John Stockton’s speech, and he spent his career trying to downplay how great he was, and he was self deprecating, funny, humble and thankful. David Robinson was totally awed by the induction, grateful and sincere. Jordan spent more time thanking those who he felt wronged him throughout his career, and rubbing their faces in the fact that he was better.

When Stockton and Robinson spoke to their children, you saw them as proud dads. Mike still made it about him. “I wouldn’t want to be you guys.” And after years wondering what it’d be like to have MJ as a parent, I can safely say that I wouldn’t want to be them either. And maybe this is me being, well me, and being a little too picky, I thought it was classless that Jordan sat next to his piece of arm candy, rather than his children. So now he’s divorced, which of course was done after he was out of the spotlight, and he has the right to date. But going into the Hall of Fame is supposed to be a pretty huge honor, and no one sacrificed more for his career than his kids. But he spent about 19 seconds on his kids, told them to look around, that the price of admission to the Hall of Fame inductions used to be $200 and was now $1,000 and had the gall to say, “but I paid it, I had no choice. I had a lot of family, a lot of friends I had to bring in. So thank you Hall of Fame for raising ticket prices, I guess. ”

Funny thing, to me anyway, is that for the first part of his career I really didn’t like him much. I was a Magic guy, and he was the best ever to me. That Jordan guy was exciting, but a ball hog. After he retired, the first time, I realized what we were missing. When he came back, I could finally admit to myself that he was the best, and it wasn’t even that close. After he came back the second time, well, I thought the same things that I think about Brett Favre now. Move on, dude. Now I realize that, after his second retirement, he should have stayed retired and just left the public arena.

Be like Mike? Nah, like Stockton did over and over again, I’ll pass.




Next target: Kanye West.

When dude came out in 2004, I thought he was a breath of fresh air. Exactly what both hip hop, and the music scene in general needed. After bling and cash had taken over hip hop like greed took over the 80’s, he rapped about Jesus, his mom and school. Then the ego landed. When he didn’t win awards he was nominated for, he acted like a brat. But last night, at the VMA’s he raised his game. When Taylor Swift won for best video, he actually got on stage, took the mic from her, and voiced his opinion that Beyonce had one of the best videos ever. What the hell?! Even B herself, couldn’t believe what was happening.

Now I know the VMA’s are a far cry from being the Oscars, but can you ever imagine seeing Sean Penn jumping on stage, and telling us how someone else should have won? I can’t think of a situation where anyone would do anything like this. Well, maybe Michael Jordan would want to.

He blogged his apology:

I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

And my response is this: first, lose the caps lock thing. What are you, 12? Second, in a decent apology, one that’s you know, sincere, one usually stops arguing how their opinion was right. Lastly, by saying “no disrespect” that doesn’t mean you can say “fuck you” and have it mean something else. Then he implies that she should give her award to Beyonce, because you supposedly gave yours to Outkast? Well you just gave Taylor Swift a few thousand of your fans too.

Remembering

Hard to believe it, but it really has been eight years. 2921 days since we were all changed. Only I don’t really believe that. No, I’m not in the Charlie Sheen group, that believes 9/11 was the work of our own Government. I just no longer believe we’ve changed. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s how we win, by not letting them really change us.

Things have changed, don’t get me wrong. Longer lines at the airport, for starters. Then there’s the argument about the rights we’ve lost in the aftermath. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the change we all felt in the seconds, minutes, days, weeks and even months after 9/11. Back when it was cool to care. There was less road rage, we had more patience for the lady in line at the grocery store who happen to forget when paying the cashier took place. Drives finally pulled to the side of the road when they saw those flashing lights behind them.

That’s still not what I’m talking about. There was a period of time, and I can’t say when it ended, I just know it did, that we had genuine concern for our neighbors. A time when we all got misty when we heard the National Anthem, and even cheered for the Yankees for one October. Party affiliation was an after thought, and the color of your state didn’t matter.

Eight years since we watched those two giants come plummeting down to earth, and even though we all remember exactly where we were, I think we’ve forgotten how that felt. Maybe that’s for the best, because we’re supposed to push forward. That’s healing, right? But today I say screw that. Today, and every September 11th we have left, should be dedicated to remembering. Not just the date, or the other numbers we’ve etched in our brains. Numbers like: Flight 93, 1 World Trade Center, 2 World Trade Center, Flight 77, 19 hijackers, and Flight 11, as those are easy to remember. I want to remember that knot in my stomach. I remember how I wanted to check in with my family and friends, especially those who travel often. I remember that a friend of mine was in New York when it happened, and how his brother-in-law escaped the World Trade Center just days before he was married. Today I remember the sound of those who jumped from the windows, and how many kids didn’t get to see their parents come home that day. I know it’s another number, but an estimated 3,000 kids lost at least one parent that day. And with that, I want to remember how I felt the first time I watched “Telling Nicholas” on HBO.

“Mom’s not coming home, little man.”

I want to remember the pride I felt. Proud of how American’s acted that day. Today is about that day, not the other shit that came after. We promised to never forget, and although it’s probably the least we could do, it’s also the best we can do.

JstSayin'

What’s the deal with farts and burps? I mean, I think they’re gross too. Ask my wife, she almost never hears or feels one of mine, and I hate it when one slips. But what I don’t understand is; how, and who, determined what bodily functions were offensive. Shouldn’t a sneeze be the largest offense? Ranks highest in germs, has the ability to make a mess, but instead of saying “excuse me,” we get blessed. Or a hiccup, those are just somewhat embarrassing, but only because it gives the impression that you’ve been hitting the bottle. Why are those so innocent, but a burp or fart are damn near felonies?

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I’m just thinking here, but if there’s a sex offender in your neighborhood, and he has a bunch of tents set up in his backyard, this should probably raise some flags with someone. I get that they did their time, and some should be allowed to TRY and become contributing members of society, but when they’re on parole, can’t the cops just drive by every once in a while? They could be on the lookout for something as suspicious as, oh I don’t know, maybe a backyard full of tents. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

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Looking forward to the long weekend, it’s much needed. I know it’s much needed because, last night I couldn’t sleep. And why couldn’t I sleep? I kept seeing Pivot tables and Excel. All sorts of numbers, and at some point, I think I saw a Pivot Table containing statistics on why I couldn’t sleep. So, is it Friday yet? Don’t know what a Pivot Table looks like? Well, please don’t brag.

Jim Bob Duggar Kemp?

Please, someone stop the Duggars. That crazy family, with the show “18 and Counting” is preggars again. No shit. I did the math on this, and its mind boggling. The mom, Michelle, is 42. She’ll be 43 when baby #19 just plops right out (there’s an image for you). She was 23 when her first was born, so that makes for 19 babies in 23 years. She’s been pregnant 62% of the time since she was 23. She’ll have been pregnant for 14.25 years.

On the low end, the average cost of a delivery is $5,000. Multiplied by 19 deliveries and that’s $95,000. That raises one question for me, how much are condoms again? Babycenter.com has a calculator, and based on average diapering costs and not paying for childcare, the average cost for a baby’s first year is $5,550. Again, do that 19 times and you’ve spent over $105,000. And that’s just for the first year of each kids life.

In our house there’s three of us, and we spend about $400 a month on groceries. I’m sure the Duggars grow their own veggies, kill cows themselves and mom probably squeezes out milk for dinner every night, but if they bought food at the same rate as us, they’d spend $2,800 a month on groceries. And we don’t have any teenagers in the house, let alone seven. Shit, that’s over $30 grand a year.

Here’s the kicker, according to Wikipedia.com, the Duggars live debt free. You know what, fuck them! They live in a 7,000 sq ft house, and supposedly make their money on commercial properties they own. No surprise here, but they home school their kids, with 12 of their kids being old enough to attend school. What are the odds that they’ll learn abstinence? The only way I thought a man could have 19 kids, is if he plays in the NBA. This family scares me to death.