Shady’s Back

Guess whose back, back again. Hirp is back, tell a friend. I'd like to start off by thanking Senator Orrin Hatch for pushing just the right moment to make me write again. See, since being laid off I decided against blogging. I was afraid to write about how much being unemployed sucked, would only make being unemployed suck even more. It's stressful enough, and this is one thing I have total control of. Then tonight the better half and I were watching the "Rachel Maddow Show" and she showed a clip of your statement that chased me back to the keyboard.

You've gone on the record, saying you believe those receiving unemployment benefits should be drug tested. Okay, that's bullshit, but I'll respond to that in a minute. Then you took it a step further, and for one of your reasons for blocking an extension of benefits you said this, "will just buy drugs with it anyway."

Well that got my attention, and after some ridiculous Facebook updates, I decided I had more to say. Since you haven't been in my shoes, the last 7 months, where I've sent out hundreds upon hundreds of resumes. Which has resulted in no less than 5 interviews and just a handful more call backs. And every time I'm online looking for a job, I see a few dozen iPhone ads, which just serve as a reminder to why I'm unemployed. Because the former Executive Douche where I worked, passed on the iPhone, cost the company billions and when he was shown the exit door, he had a nice $55 million check to cushion his fall. Hell, I should be doing drugs at this point.

Only I never have. I haven't even smoked a cigarette in my life, let alone a joint or a line of coke. But because I was unlucky enough to be laid off in a shitty economy, you just assume I'm using that money to buy drugs. You must be talking about bills, cause they sure keep getting higher, not me. So you want me drug tested, fine, let's do it. Not because I'm unemployed, but because I cash checks that the government signs. Based on that logic, I'm good to go. But you and your staffers better be being in a cup too. Till then, shut the hell up.

I'm not asking you to shut up because you're a complete jackass, I can only think that helps make the Democrats look better. I'm asking you to shut up, because what if just one potential employer hears you're wild accusation, and believes it. Now, not only am I competeing with thousands of others who were just laid off, but its assumed that I'm a drug addict too. Because I really need that.

Which reminds me of this gem from Good Will Hunting:

"Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."

Orrin Hatch, you're the shrapnel in my ass.

Tick Tock

Being nervous is just part of my nature, and I think this proves that Judaism is at least on some level, more than just a religion. Ever since I was a kid, any kind of change would throw my head in to a tizzy. My stomach would soon follow. First day of school approaching, would result in me getting very little sleep for the last week or two of summer. Hell, most Sunday nights gave me an upset stomach. Maybe it’s a sign of some great weakness, that’s entirely possible.

Well for the past month, my stomach has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride. One of those shitty ones too, where my head’s rattling between the safety device, that’s meant to keep me on the ride, but may be causing brain damage in the process. That’s how long ago we found out there would be some layoffs at work. D-day is right around the corner, as it was announced that we’d find out this Friday, who stays and who goes. But being that I’m on vacation as of Friday, I get to find out Thursday. Oh, and today is Thursday (I may have started writing this a few days ago) Wait, I have to go throw up again.

I’m back. Friday also happens to be my wife’s birthday, with next week being the Kyd’s 8th and mine is a week after that. Oh, and then there’s Thanksgiving right after that. So really, this is a crappy month to make a family stress. By the time most of you read this, all three of you, I’ll either be ecstatic or ordering another drink.

*

Maybe the Yankees will hire me; we all know they pay well. There’s a few things I’m definitely not, those being; a Republican, a Yankee fan and tall. But looking at the core of these Yankees, I have to admit, I kinda like those guys. Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte are all class acts. Trust me, admitting that is hard for me. So I offer sincere congratulations to them on winning another title. Hopefully the champagne really hurts A-Rods eyes, and just maybe he can fall off the back of his ride during their parade down the Canyon of Heroes.

Hirplings

I realized something today, a share of stock at the company I work for is selling at just $3.24 more than a share in my company. And I don’t have a company.

Something else about where I work that I just don’t understand. In our restrooms, its all automated. Toilet flushes for you, sink turns on and the soap is dispensed with the help of a sensor. The paper towel, however, is manual. Head to the break area, and everything is manual except, you guessed it, the paper towel. Huh?

*



A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering to trade sex for World Series tickets, as she wanted to score some tickets for her husband and herself. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Hirp knows how big of a Met fan I am, and how much I’d love to see them in the Series, but I’m happy to say: she’d never do that.

*

Kate “Mother of the Year” Gosselin has let it be known, that she wants to be in the movies. “I’ve done enough years on TV that I feel like it’s a normal, comfortable, natural place to be,” said the insane woman. How do any of those three adjectives describe life as the star of a reality television show? Maybe it’s normal and comfortable, or even natural, when someone has something close to an actual talent. The Kardashian’s have more to offer a television audience than this lunatic, and I’m not referring to Kim’s ass.

Of course, nothing about raising eight kids would be normal, but I’m pretty sure pimping your children is far from natural. Comfortable for the Joe Jackson’s, Joe Simpson’s and Gosselin’s of the world, but then again, all three of them are loons. And so now she wants to be in movies. That’s just great, I’m sure she can star in a Roman Polanski movie, and being such a fantastic parent, she wouldn’t think twice if he asked her to bring the kids to the set. Her goal just has to be; to see how much she can mess up her kids. It’s only a matter of time before TLC or VH1 throws her, “Octomom,” the Heene’s, and Michael Lohan are starring in “The Surreal Parenting Life.” With idiots like these being so famous, I wonder what Al-Qaeda thinks. No need to plan any more attacks, we’re obviously pretty screwed up as it is.

*

Back in 1994 I was writing for my school newspaper. Yep, I just admitted it. I sucked, by the way. My writing sucked and I was without a doubt, the biggest pain in the ass. I had a thing where I wouldn’t write any of the stories assigned to me if I didn’t want to. A little bratty, I know this, and I knew it then. Thing was, I refused mostly because I was just terrified of interviewing anyone I didn’t know, because that would mean, you know, having to talk to them.

I did, however, write the longest story of the year. I imagine it’s still the longest article ever written for that horribly run paper. It was my NBA Preview, and it ended up appearing in three issues, rather than one, and that still wasn’t enough. What the students of West Beverly missed, was me correctly predicting an NBA Final of the Knicks versus the Rockets. I got the outcome wrong, as I picked the Knicks. Shocker huh?

So today I take my second, much shorter stab at an NBA Preview. I say it’s the Spurs against the Celtics in the Finals, with the Spurs winning the title.

HirPolitics

We’re not supposed to buy into stereo types, even though we all do, at least occasionally on some level. Most of us, those that HAVE a sense of humor, will enjoy poking fun at those stereo types. The great comedians are able to use those stereo types and our insecurities related to them, as great material. See Larry David, Wanda Sykes, Daniel Tosh, Mel Brooks, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle and anyone else that’s funnier than Dane Cook for examples. But the thing about those stereotypes is, there’s always a group of people who fit the bill perfectly.

I recently read a story about how Rush Limbaugh fell for a hoax regarding President Obama. The hoax goes like this, Limbaugh reported a story as fact on his show, and that story claimed that the President wrote a thesis in college that slammed the Constitution.

"While political freedom is supposedly a cornerstone of the document, the distribution of wealth is not even mentioned," read the bogus Columbia University thesis. "While many believed that the new Constitution gave them liberty, it instead fitted them with the shackles of hypocrisy."

So Rush takes to the airways, and tells his moronic listeners all about it. Then he later finds out the thesis never existed. Does he apologize for not doing any actual reporting? No, of course not, instead he takes the stance that it’s satire, but in all good comedy must contain an element of the truth. “And we know how he feels about the distribution of wealth.”

I guess, Rush, that means all the jokes we hear about you being a racist, hate mongering, anti-Semitic, pill popping, “big fat idiot” must be based on some truth, and you’re admitting as much by giving the hoax even the slightest bit of credibility. That’s fantastic. Thanks for admitting what millions already knew. I guess that also makes any jokes I make about your listeners, based on truth, even if I haven’t done the research to back up just how stupid they are.

See Rush, you do as much to make white men look stupid as OJ Simpson does to make black men look violent, or Madoff does to make Jews look greedy and Bin Laden does to make Muslims look hateful and dangerous. Good job, asshole.

Now here’s what I want to see, but it never will happen. I want to see Fox News, yes you Bill and Glenn, go on air and blast Rush for failing to do “real reporting” just as you’d blast Jon Stewart if he reported that Limbaugh wrote a thesis at his junior college about bringing back slavery. By the way, I like that I can find videos online that say “the media say Rush Limbaugh was hoaxed” as if Rush isn’t actually a part of the media. So what is he does again?



This all got me to thinking, and I usually avoid that activity at all costs. Recently a hate crime bill passed, that now makes it a federal offense to beat up someone for their sexual orientation. The Republicans were largely against this because it’s already a crime to beat anyone up, and making it a federal offense because of the thought process (or lack thereof) that lead to the attack is “a thought crime.”

On some level, I agree. I’m not sure if it should matter why someone is assaulted, if its their skin color or just because they spilled a beer on you at a bar shouldn’t really matter. Hitting anyone is wrong. But then again, there’s something extra sick about the fact that such violent acts can take place just because we’re different. My point is, I find it damn funny that on one hand Republican’s are afraid of “thought crimes,” because we can’t really measure what one’s thoughts were. And at the same time, so many of these Republicans seem to know exactly what thoughts our President is having, and how he has this awful plot to take over the world.

Is this really so different? Shouldn’t they judge him on his actions, and not what ideology may or may not be inspiring him? Glen Beck can call the President a racist, with a “deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.” And that matters, but if someone beats the snot out of someone just for being black or gay, well all that really matters is the act. The Republican Party, where logic and common sense go to die.

Buffoon Boy

Like the rest of the world, I was captured by the adventures of balloon boy last week. Well, at first I couldn’t help but laugh. It just seemed too funny, and it was so surreal that I lost the fact that there was a six year old boy in that thing. Then I realized, wow, he’s probably either dead or going to die. The way that thing was moving, I couldn’t imagine him being secured, and I figured his body was just being tossed about like a rag doll, and so he was either going to break his neck up there, freeze to death, die from the helium or from the landing.

Then it landed, and I’m convinced that those on the scene knew he wasn’t in there. Only one guy ran towards it, and then they took forever to really check it out. It looked as if they were more concerned with just keeping it grounded, and not rescuing anyone. The thought has crossed my mind, while the balloon was in flight, that maybe he wasn’t on board, and had hid because he knew he was in deep shit. Then when we knew for sure he wasn’t onboard, I started smelling a hoax.

I really never felt that he just fell out of the thing. I mean, if he did, I imagined the door would be open. He was either hiding, because he messed up his dad’s project, or the family was full of shenanigans. This marks the first time in FromTheHirp history that I’ve used the word, “shenanigans,” and you know what, I have to admit that it felt good. As soon as it came out that his family had been on “Wife Swap” I knew two things. These parents are going to lose custody of their kids, and someone’s getting arrested.

The next day I saw the now infamous clip from Larry King, and it didn’t even phase me. That’s exactly what you’d expect a six year old to do when he’s asked to lie to the nice people. If his parents knew anything, they would have asked him to tell the truth, and maybe whispered how “daddy won’t get in too much trouble, and you can visit him in prison.” Then he would have lied.

I’ve long rallied against reality television, and here’s an event that just gives my argument even more support. This is the type of crap we can expect to happen, as long as we go on rewarding stupidity. Stupidity is the best get rich quick scheme since Ebay, and you don’t even need a computer to be stupid. As that damn thing was flying around Colorado, I know I wasn’t the only one that was already wondering about the first interview with the family and at the very least a guaranteed book deal.

That’s what you get when something goes wrong in your life now, as long as it’s caught on tape. I can only think of one situation, where an average Joe was given the opportunity to cash in on his bad luck and took a pass. That was Cubs fan, Steve Bartman, the guy who reached for a foul ball. He could have written a book, had his own show, probably released a CD (doesn’t matter if he can sing) and maybe even hosted a talk show. Only he has some integrity and class, the idiot.

Really, just look at TLC. Supposedly it’s The Learning Channel, but their programming revolves around stupidity. Act like an idiot, pimp out your kids and legalized kiddie porn:

I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant
Jon & Kate Plus 8
18 Kids and Counting
Say Yes to the Dress
Toddlers and Tiaras
King of the Crown


I’ll tell you the only part of this story that makes complete sense, before CNN has even pieced it together. The “brains” behind this operation, well his name IS Richard. Tell me this is not just absolutely poetic, he’s The Dick.

*

It dawned on me, that if 28 year old me could meet me now, he’d probably make fun of me. He’d probably think that I’m all cheesy for the way I occasionally talk to my wife. So perhaps that means I actually have matured, but then I consider how I’d respond to 28YOM (28 year old me for those of you scoring at home) and I’d tell him to go blank himself, and I know he would.

Game On

I’ll be honest, I love a good debate or conversation about those issues society tells us to shy away from. I still believe there’s a time and a place, and that we should pretty much avoid name calling and all that playground stuff. But I think it’s a blast to spend hours talking religion, politics and how retarded the DH is. So, like everyone else, I have an agenda. I’m sure they think they, like my self, have the best of intentions. And maybe they do. But my wife sent me an email that she received yesterday, and all I can say is, game on. Well, that’s not all I can say, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing what I imagine will be a 1,500 word response.

It appears that the Post Office is going to produce a stamp that honors the end of two Muslim celebrations, EID for short. Funny enough, the email has a link, http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/e/eid.htm, and it appears those sending it around haven’t even taken the time to read their own link. The website explains that the Post Office produced similar stamps in September 2001 and October 2002.

But here’s what scares me, the text that’s circulated inside the email:

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military Barracks in Saudi Arabia,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa,
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE.
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on the World Trade Center on 9/11/01.
REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM
attacks. Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp.
I strongly urge you to REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this
stamp when purchasing your holiday stamps at the post office. To use this stamp
would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands
of those whom this stamp honors. I also strongly urge you to pass this along to every Patriotic AMERICAN you know, whether by email.

They (MUSLIMS) don't even believe in Christ, & they're getting their own Christmas stamp! BUT, don't dare to dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property! This is truly UNBELIEVABLE !!!
--
It is truly unbelievable, unbelievably full of bull shit, hate and hypocrisy.

First off, those acts were committed by small groups of fundamentalists, who just claim to be of that faith, a rather clever tactic used by, well the three major religions. There’s an old adage, “all’s fair in love and war,” sure you’ve heard it before. No, they didn’t play by the rules of engagement, so shame on them, and the horror of these acts isn’t lost on me. But I can understand this much, if we lined up to fight a war with them, and everyone agreed to play by the same rules, we’d absolutely slaughter them. So what’s left? Any means necessary, sorry, but survival is our most basic instinct. And when one group feels threatened, they can use that fear to their advantage. They can spread hate, and inspire some wack jobs to do some crazy ass shit. Sound familiar?

Secondly, I call another old adage to the stand. Mr. Pot calling the Kettle Black, is true that we can tie some horrific acts to many religions? Exhibits 1-5: The Crusades, slavery, murdered doctors, President Bush claiming that God told him to invade Iraq, and the taking of land from the Native Americans. I can go on, but instead I’m going to quote President Bartlet (again):

“Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?”

Thirdly, Muslims DO believe in Christ. Really, this is pretty widely known, so I can only wonder why kind of jackass added that bit of commentary. They see Jesus as a Prophet, but not the Son of God. The Qu’ran, what’s what “they” call their “bible,” actually contains the 10 Commandments. It’s not “them” that opposes having the Ten Commandments on federal property. It’s people like me, and people that you know, truly believe in the separation of Church and State and Freedom of Religion.
Those rights are where one could find a legitimate beef with this, and all religious stamps. Yes, even your cute red nose reindeer. If you do the math, and add up all of the American’s killed in those listed attacks, the total is about 11,000. Which is truly tragic, no question. But if you do the math on the other side, we’ve killed (from various sources online) almost 150,000. So we can keep hating them, spread false information about their beliefs and they can do the same. The hate and the killing can keep going, I guess. Who benefits? On our side, there’s politicians who get more powerful, and companies that get richer. Might cost us a few neighbors or family members, but we’re fighting the good cause. The bitch of it is, they think the same thing.

The only real solution I see, that’s more than a band-aid, is also the least likely solution. Actually, it’ll never happen, but the best way to end the hate is to end organized religion. Not just theirs, and not just ours. Imagine you have two kids in the playground fighting, you don’t do anyone favors if you only send one to detention, and having them sitting there pissed that they got in trouble, isn’t going to end any hostility. Or you know, I guess you can wait to see what kind of emails they send about each other and believe who ever types in all caps AND bolds their text first.

iGoogle

It’s not H1N1 (um, I can’t believe I didn’t blog it, but last spring I really did say it was just the effin’ flu!) and I think we’ve ruled out Mad Cow, SARs and the plague. All signs point to a sinus infection, but it’s been a bitch for almost two weeks. The point, as I do have one. I can’t wait for a good nights sleep again. From time to time Mrs. Hirp and I discuss a mini-Hirp, then we either see a parent dealing with a baby throwing a fit in the middle of Target, see an ad for daycare that makes my wallet quiver or we experience a few sleepless nights. Then we realize, we’d be just as happy to babysit for 30-45 minutes. That, and the Magic 8 ball says, “my sources say no.” Pretty scientific, I’m sold.

This weekend was act three, of trying to teach the Kyd how to ride a bike. First of all, I really find it hard to teach anyone something that I know how to do. Trying to teach my dad how to upload photos from his camera and email them, damn near gave me a stroke last night. Explaining to my mother how to use Facebook, took a year and two months off of my life, and trying to explain to a co-worker how I produce a report nearly led to some work place violence. Yet, some how, I’ve remained pretty patient with the Kyd. Surprisingly patient, so much so, that I’m a little afraid of when the well is dry. But really, it’s a lot of fun. If she’d just relax a little, stop worrying about falling, and you know, do what G says. Then again, her life would be a lot easier if she’d just listen to her father, mother and I. Mostly her mother. Like when she pointed out the Emo kids at Oktoberfest were wearing, and how they were acting, and told her, “never bring one of them home.”

When she said “them” she was referring more to the piercings, the dyed hair and using language that even Fox frowns upon. I was thinking more along the lines of “them” as, anyone with a penis. She says potato; I say potato is to be thrown at boys. We’re on the same page. These are some what related. Fact is, today I’m going to Google “teaching a kid to ride a bike,” just as if we ever did have a baby, my wife and I have discussed how I’d Google everything. Seriously, I mean starting from pregnancy. And I’ve been around mothers-to be more than any guy my age that never had one of his own. I’d be able to give my wife 36 opinions on what kind of water she should drink during the pregnancy, I’d read the first 83 pages that discuss how to properly secure a car seat, and I’d finally read up on that soft spot. Might even give up my old joke about how playing with the ride side of the soft spot will make the left leg do funny things. Porqchop’s nanny didn’t appreciate that one. I can’t imagine how parents did anything without Google. Just like I can’t imagine how any business ran without email, or how we really functioned without cell phones.

HIRPreaching

The better half and I watched Bill Maher’s documentary, Religulous over the weekend, and I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I never saw Passion of the Christ, but I get the feeling that this movie was for me, what that meant to so many Christians. Except, you know, for the fact that one movie was fiction and the one we watched, is one of those pesky non-fiction flicks.

What really gets me is when I think about how these religions perceive God. First off, we can all agree, that with so many different religions, not everyone can be right. I mean, it’s just not possible. If the beliefs were taught as ideas, as Chris Rock said, then everyone would be better off. But every side thinks they’re right, and everyone else is wrong. Even religions themselves have different sects, so they’re waving the same flag but arguing over if the flag is going from left to right or right to left. So they can’t all be right, but at the same time, they CAN all be wrong. We understand that much when it comes to politics, most of us anyway.

Then when I think about many of the stories I’ve heard, from the different faiths, I can’t help but think about what a bad parent God would be. Believers think God picks favorites, can be pretty violent, wants us to follow strict rules without exception or explanation, sometimes cares who wins sporting events, cares more about specific parts of his land than others, and never takes out the trash or washes dishes. Who of us would like to parent like God, or have a parent like God?

I see some of the attraction to religion, and that’s community. Ask me what I believe, I’ll tell you I’m agnostic. But ask me what religion I am, and I’ll still say I’m Jewish. Weird huh? But for me, my Judasim really isn’t about the Torah or arguing about when the Messiah will come. It’s connecting with where I come from. Its’ partaking in some of the traditions that my parents did before me, and those before them. It’s a way to bond with people. Sports does that too, as does politics. I know, because last week at Target, I was received a smile from a stranger, simply because we both were wearing KU shirts. I know because, as bad as it sounds, I’m slightly less likely to want to ram the guy that cut me off, because I saw an Obama sticker on the back of his BWM.

I once posted here that we should treat religion as we do our favorite teams, and I still believe that. But till then, I’d really like for a Nascar driving to be sponsored by an Agnostic organization. I can’t think of a better way to reach millions of Christians on a Sunday.

Now here’s something I don’t do often, but I admit, I just might be wrong. That possibility does exist, well, about God. There really could be some supreme being that made this universe happen. I’m not wrong, however, in thinking that every religion has it wrong. Being someone who believes what I do, which technically makes me agnostic, also pretty much means that I’m against the idea of organizing those with like beliefs. If we went out, got our little tax exemption, and gathered on a regular basis to preach about our beliefs, that’d be a pretty giant step in the direction of hypocrite city. Been there, didn’t care much for it. Expensive real-estate.

But at the same time, that’s almost what we need to do. Maybe its time to start arguing for my side, in a similar fashion to the way the religions argue theirs. Anytime I write a blog, tweet or Facebook some thing critical of religion, I end up wondering if I’ve offended anyway. I mean, I know I’ve offended some, but I wonder who. It’s actually not my intention, but at the same time, why shouldn’t I voice my opinion? Every day I see countless bumper stickers that voice some ones opinion. I drive by multi-million dollar churches that stand for the opinions of some. My money tells me that in God we trust, even if, as I learned in Religulous, our Forefathers thought more like me. So let me be clear, my intention isn’t to look down on anyone, even if it sounds like that (hey, did I basically say “I mean this with no disrespect”) but I don’t think I should bite my tongue for the sake of what’s socially acceptable. I no longer think that we’d be better off if everyone just kept their religious beliefs to themselves, because those beliefs carry too much weight.

I’ve often heard from those that oppose affirmative action, speak about how they feel that the best man or woman should get the job. Sure this makes perfect sense, in a perfect world. I’ve also read those posters at work, the ones that mention how, among other things, religious beliefs can’t be used in the treatment of employees. Yet, some how, the religious beliefs of politicians isn’t just open for debate, it’s used as tool to gain voters. What the hell is that all that about?

And I saw on Youtube, a comment made on some Religulous clip that those who don’t believe will “find out soon enough.” That’s not good enough. I’m more concerned with my life on earth, making things better for the Kyd and everyone that comes after. So I can’t wait to find out later. Yeah, and by the way is complete bull shit. If so many people really felt that way, well, Sarah Palin would welcome those fictitious “death panels.” If death was so great, it’d be really easy to cut health care costs. All those who believe, please feel free to decline any and all health care.

That won’t happen, because death is freakin scary. The unknown, sure, that’s scary, but more so the known. It’s knowing that all decisions will now be final, and that all of our on going conversations are done. That we won’t see someone else get married, or kiss our loved ones goodnight one more time. It means we won’t see the sunrise, or at the very least, you might not. Maybe you’ll see everyone up in a place called heaven. I can imagine Tupac and Biggie doing a song with Frank. Michael Jackson as a black man, singing with skinny Elvis, and those loved ones we lost, along with all the previous generations. And those generations would probably ask Tupac and Biggie to turn down the music, some might not like that dark Michael fella, or question why the white Elvis is singing negro music. Because, really, what are the odds that our bigotry stays behind?

Maybe there’s something after our time here, since no one has come back and told me, I’ll just follow Red’s advice: Get busy livin’, or get busy dying.

He also said, “Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” Maybe its time to speak up. Maybe, if we could all just imagine a world with no religion. It’s easy if you try. With no religion, do we think those “extremist” are really going to attack us? With no religion, is the United States of America spending so much time on foreign oil, “delivering democracy” (along with some bibles). Really, imagine a world with no religion. That isn’t to say imagine a world without God, if that’s what you believe in.

Mike and 'Ye

Words often used to describe Michael Jordan: great, icon, unstoppable, focused, gravity defying, champion, clutch, phenomenal, and extraordinary and that’s just the very tip of the iceberg. After watching his Hall of Fame induction speech on DVR over the weekend, I have some new adjectives to describe the G.O.A.T (Greatest of All Time). These first come to mind: petty, small, insecure, immature, jackass, and damn near pathetic.

He started of talking about how we already know pretty much everything about him, and I get the feeling he was actually holding back from telling how what a nuisance all his fans have been. Then it becomes perfectly clear, why we never really saw Jordan being Jordan in all those years of being in the spotlight. He’s really a dick. Those of us, who followed his career, heard the stories of him punching out teammates. But that was just him being ultra-completive. Or so we thought. He’s not nearly as articulate or humble as he’s portrayed, and that’s the real reason he never spoke candidly the media, the way Shaq, Barkley or Magic did.

I watched John Stockton’s speech, and he spent his career trying to downplay how great he was, and he was self deprecating, funny, humble and thankful. David Robinson was totally awed by the induction, grateful and sincere. Jordan spent more time thanking those who he felt wronged him throughout his career, and rubbing their faces in the fact that he was better.

When Stockton and Robinson spoke to their children, you saw them as proud dads. Mike still made it about him. “I wouldn’t want to be you guys.” And after years wondering what it’d be like to have MJ as a parent, I can safely say that I wouldn’t want to be them either. And maybe this is me being, well me, and being a little too picky, I thought it was classless that Jordan sat next to his piece of arm candy, rather than his children. So now he’s divorced, which of course was done after he was out of the spotlight, and he has the right to date. But going into the Hall of Fame is supposed to be a pretty huge honor, and no one sacrificed more for his career than his kids. But he spent about 19 seconds on his kids, told them to look around, that the price of admission to the Hall of Fame inductions used to be $200 and was now $1,000 and had the gall to say, “but I paid it, I had no choice. I had a lot of family, a lot of friends I had to bring in. So thank you Hall of Fame for raising ticket prices, I guess. ”

Funny thing, to me anyway, is that for the first part of his career I really didn’t like him much. I was a Magic guy, and he was the best ever to me. That Jordan guy was exciting, but a ball hog. After he retired, the first time, I realized what we were missing. When he came back, I could finally admit to myself that he was the best, and it wasn’t even that close. After he came back the second time, well, I thought the same things that I think about Brett Favre now. Move on, dude. Now I realize that, after his second retirement, he should have stayed retired and just left the public arena.

Be like Mike? Nah, like Stockton did over and over again, I’ll pass.




Next target: Kanye West.

When dude came out in 2004, I thought he was a breath of fresh air. Exactly what both hip hop, and the music scene in general needed. After bling and cash had taken over hip hop like greed took over the 80’s, he rapped about Jesus, his mom and school. Then the ego landed. When he didn’t win awards he was nominated for, he acted like a brat. But last night, at the VMA’s he raised his game. When Taylor Swift won for best video, he actually got on stage, took the mic from her, and voiced his opinion that Beyonce had one of the best videos ever. What the hell?! Even B herself, couldn’t believe what was happening.

Now I know the VMA’s are a far cry from being the Oscars, but can you ever imagine seeing Sean Penn jumping on stage, and telling us how someone else should have won? I can’t think of a situation where anyone would do anything like this. Well, maybe Michael Jordan would want to.

He blogged his apology:

I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

And my response is this: first, lose the caps lock thing. What are you, 12? Second, in a decent apology, one that’s you know, sincere, one usually stops arguing how their opinion was right. Lastly, by saying “no disrespect” that doesn’t mean you can say “fuck you” and have it mean something else. Then he implies that she should give her award to Beyonce, because you supposedly gave yours to Outkast? Well you just gave Taylor Swift a few thousand of your fans too.

Remembering

Hard to believe it, but it really has been eight years. 2921 days since we were all changed. Only I don’t really believe that. No, I’m not in the Charlie Sheen group, that believes 9/11 was the work of our own Government. I just no longer believe we’ve changed. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s how we win, by not letting them really change us.

Things have changed, don’t get me wrong. Longer lines at the airport, for starters. Then there’s the argument about the rights we’ve lost in the aftermath. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the change we all felt in the seconds, minutes, days, weeks and even months after 9/11. Back when it was cool to care. There was less road rage, we had more patience for the lady in line at the grocery store who happen to forget when paying the cashier took place. Drives finally pulled to the side of the road when they saw those flashing lights behind them.

That’s still not what I’m talking about. There was a period of time, and I can’t say when it ended, I just know it did, that we had genuine concern for our neighbors. A time when we all got misty when we heard the National Anthem, and even cheered for the Yankees for one October. Party affiliation was an after thought, and the color of your state didn’t matter.

Eight years since we watched those two giants come plummeting down to earth, and even though we all remember exactly where we were, I think we’ve forgotten how that felt. Maybe that’s for the best, because we’re supposed to push forward. That’s healing, right? But today I say screw that. Today, and every September 11th we have left, should be dedicated to remembering. Not just the date, or the other numbers we’ve etched in our brains. Numbers like: Flight 93, 1 World Trade Center, 2 World Trade Center, Flight 77, 19 hijackers, and Flight 11, as those are easy to remember. I want to remember that knot in my stomach. I remember how I wanted to check in with my family and friends, especially those who travel often. I remember that a friend of mine was in New York when it happened, and how his brother-in-law escaped the World Trade Center just days before he was married. Today I remember the sound of those who jumped from the windows, and how many kids didn’t get to see their parents come home that day. I know it’s another number, but an estimated 3,000 kids lost at least one parent that day. And with that, I want to remember how I felt the first time I watched “Telling Nicholas” on HBO.

“Mom’s not coming home, little man.”

I want to remember the pride I felt. Proud of how American’s acted that day. Today is about that day, not the other shit that came after. We promised to never forget, and although it’s probably the least we could do, it’s also the best we can do.

JstSayin'

What’s the deal with farts and burps? I mean, I think they’re gross too. Ask my wife, she almost never hears or feels one of mine, and I hate it when one slips. But what I don’t understand is; how, and who, determined what bodily functions were offensive. Shouldn’t a sneeze be the largest offense? Ranks highest in germs, has the ability to make a mess, but instead of saying “excuse me,” we get blessed. Or a hiccup, those are just somewhat embarrassing, but only because it gives the impression that you’ve been hitting the bottle. Why are those so innocent, but a burp or fart are damn near felonies?

*

I’m just thinking here, but if there’s a sex offender in your neighborhood, and he has a bunch of tents set up in his backyard, this should probably raise some flags with someone. I get that they did their time, and some should be allowed to TRY and become contributing members of society, but when they’re on parole, can’t the cops just drive by every once in a while? They could be on the lookout for something as suspicious as, oh I don’t know, maybe a backyard full of tents. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

*

Looking forward to the long weekend, it’s much needed. I know it’s much needed because, last night I couldn’t sleep. And why couldn’t I sleep? I kept seeing Pivot tables and Excel. All sorts of numbers, and at some point, I think I saw a Pivot Table containing statistics on why I couldn’t sleep. So, is it Friday yet? Don’t know what a Pivot Table looks like? Well, please don’t brag.

Jim Bob Duggar Kemp?

Please, someone stop the Duggars. That crazy family, with the show “18 and Counting” is preggars again. No shit. I did the math on this, and its mind boggling. The mom, Michelle, is 42. She’ll be 43 when baby #19 just plops right out (there’s an image for you). She was 23 when her first was born, so that makes for 19 babies in 23 years. She’s been pregnant 62% of the time since she was 23. She’ll have been pregnant for 14.25 years.

On the low end, the average cost of a delivery is $5,000. Multiplied by 19 deliveries and that’s $95,000. That raises one question for me, how much are condoms again? Babycenter.com has a calculator, and based on average diapering costs and not paying for childcare, the average cost for a baby’s first year is $5,550. Again, do that 19 times and you’ve spent over $105,000. And that’s just for the first year of each kids life.

In our house there’s three of us, and we spend about $400 a month on groceries. I’m sure the Duggars grow their own veggies, kill cows themselves and mom probably squeezes out milk for dinner every night, but if they bought food at the same rate as us, they’d spend $2,800 a month on groceries. And we don’t have any teenagers in the house, let alone seven. Shit, that’s over $30 grand a year.

Here’s the kicker, according to Wikipedia.com, the Duggars live debt free. You know what, fuck them! They live in a 7,000 sq ft house, and supposedly make their money on commercial properties they own. No surprise here, but they home school their kids, with 12 of their kids being old enough to attend school. What are the odds that they’ll learn abstinence? The only way I thought a man could have 19 kids, is if he plays in the NBA. This family scares me to death.

Baseblog II: The Doctor is In.

Just because baseball-reference.com is the best ways for a geek like me to make the last hour of work go by, I was able to do some meaningless research (over a few days, of course).

Today, shockingly, I was looking at great years by pitchers, and started with Dwight Gooden in 1985.

In his 24 wins, Doc was 24-0 (duh) with a ridiculous 1.07 era. In his four loses, his average stat line was 7 ip, 6 hits, 2.25 runs, 7 k’s and 1.25 walks. You know what happens if you have numbers like that over 35 starts? 245 IP, 210 hits, 245 K’s and just 44 walks.

His last two no decisions came in September, and in each of those games he pitched 9 innings without giving up a run. The Mets won one in extra innings, and lost the other. If they score just one run in the first 9 innings of each of those games, Gooden ends up 26-4 with a 1.53 era, 18 complete games and 10 shutouts.

The Mets were in a battle for first with the St. Louis Cardinals that year, and in the last month of the season, Gooden’s era was .34. He had blood alcohol levels higher in all of his DUI stops. Okay, so that last part isn’t true.

Here’s something else, that’s just as insane. Over his last nine starts in 1984, Gooden was 8-1 with 5 CGs, 105 k’s in 76 innings. So over 44 starts he was 32-5, 352ip, 240hits, 373 strikeouts, with 21 complete games and 10 shutouts. His era was 1.43. Oh, and in those 5 loses, he gave up a combined 10 runs.

Pedro Martinez had one of the all-time great stretches, with his best years coming in 1999-2000. The best he did over a 44 game stretch was 31-7 in 307 innings, giving up 213 hits, with 8 complete games and 3 shutouts and striking out 436 and had a 1.79 era.

In 1968, Bob Gibson set the record for the lowest ERA by a starting pitcher for a season, a miniscule 1.12. That year he made 35 starts, so I looked up how he did in his next nine. Not really sure how I settled on 44 starts, probably because I just happened to see how amazing Doc was for his 44 start stretch. So including his first 9 starts of 1969, Gibson was 29-11 with a 1.20 era. He struck out 339 in 382 innings. Gibson completed an astounding 35 of those 44 starts, 16 of them were shutouts.

I couldn’t write about this without looking at Roger Clemens and some of the remarkable seasons he had, and I thought it’d be better to do his best 44 before the “era” began, and his best 44 consecutive starts after the juice was loose.

Using his 1990 stats and first 13 starts of ’91, Rocket went 30-9 with 2.02 era, 304 k’s, 10 complete games and 4 shutouts. And then in Toronto, when he MAY have gone on some sort of substance, he went 29-10 with 2.20 era, 385 k’s, 13 complete games and 5 shutouts.

So Doc ends up with the most wins, fewest loses, top 3 in strikeouts, second in complete games and shutouts. That’s dominating, to say the least. And I have to ask myself, would could have been? And so I had to try and answer myself. I looked at the career he had up through 1991, when he still resembled the Dr. K and from 1992-2000 I used the pitcher that baseball-reference lists as having the most similar career to Gooden, his former teammate, David Cone. Had Gooden had the years Cone had over those nine seasons, he would have retired (at age 35) with 249 wins, a .660 winning %, a 3.23 era and 3,115 strike outs. He would be tied for 47th all-time in wins, 20th in winning %, 16th in strikeouts. He’d have an era lower than Bob Feller, Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson, and Phil Niekro.

And he’d be retired at 35, 10 years younger than Randy Johnson is now. Clemens last pitched at 44. Greg Maddux at 42, even David Cone pitched till he was 40.

Man, what could have been. A Hall of Famer and all-time great, that’s what could have been.

I Found Myself

I knew I supported health care reform, but when I Googled Hirp and saw that it was a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization at George Washington University (founded in 1995, a year after I picked up the nickname), well I even surprised myself. Health Insurance Reform Project (HIRP) and the best I had ever come up with was He Is Really Pissed, and I kinda was back then.

Here you can see a history of HIRP Research Briefs, which is funny, cause I never owned any briefs.

http://www.nhpf.org/library/products.cfm/HIRP

But hey, I finally found myself. “HIRP is currently co-located with the National Health Policy Forum.”

Still, I’m pretty annoyed that I ever let the rights to hirp.com lapse. A few years ago I tried to get it back, and they wanted $7,000, because it was “in development” for something big. It’s now a completely retarded collection of obvious scams. So maybe it’s not that different from what I produce now.

Baseblog

I’ve always been a big fan of “what if” and a recent story about Ken Griffey Jr has me playing the game out in some excel files. Turns out that Seattle almost passed on Griffey with the #1 pick in the 1987 draft. I’ve never even thought about that possibility, and now I’m borderline obsessed with it.

The ripple effect of that one pick, assuming everyone went on to have the careers they had, would have changed the last 22 years of baseball, as well as the future. It really is mind boggling. Up would be down, right would be left, Seattle would be Tampa and the Pirates would have been on top. As the Pirates had the second pick in the ’87 draft, and Griffey who made it to the show in 1989 would have played along side Andy Van Slyke and a 24 year old left fielder named Barry Bonds. Bobby Bonilla plays third, and the ripple begins.

I figure that the M’s lose 10 more games than they did in ’89 without JR and they end up drafting Alex Fernandez in the 1990 draft. Turns out, he’s the only Alex we’d ever picture in a Seattle jersey (which would be different today, because Griffey helped design the jerseys we now know).

The real impact comes in the 1992 draft. After the Mariners, assuming an extra 10 losses (with a few coming against the Yankees) the Mariners hold the #6 pick. So they draft a shortstop out of Kalamazoo Michigan, he goes by the name of Derek Jeter. And now we can really see how things have changed.

In October of 1992 we saw the Pirates win the World Series. They won 96 games with Alex Cole and Cecil Epsy playing right field, and they’ve been replaced with Griffey and his 27 homers (positive gain of 26). And because they didn’t need to worry about replacing the power of Bonilla who left for NY after ’91, the Pirates hold on to John Smiley, who was coming off of a 20 win season, and won 16 more for the Twins in ’92. They take out the Braves in the League Championship Series. We know of a Ken Griffey Jr who has played 21 seasons without winning a World Series, and a Bonds that played 22 without one. Now they both have a title before either is even 30 years old.

Coming off wining possibly his second World Series title, I don’t know if Bonds leaves for San Francisco. Does he get all Kobe, and want to win one on his own, and back home? Does he want to stay with his buddy Griffey, and offer a discount to Pittsburgh? Or do the Yankees make a stronger pitch for his services? Most importantly, even if he leaves, the Pirates still have Griffey in the lineup, instead of Andy Van Slyke (who could have been traded after 91, to make room for Jeff King at 3rd and bring in some pitching help) which give Doug Drabek plenty of reason to stick around.

What happens in the June draft is most interesting. Seattle, holding the #1 pick, like their young shortstop, so they draft the highly touted pitcher, Darren Dreifort and Alex Rodriguez gets scoped up by the Dodgers. Does a major market like LA really lose A-Rod to Texas? A-Rod takes over the starting job for the Dodgers in 96, in a lineup that features Mike Piazza, Eric Karros, Delino Deshields and Raul Mondesi. And the 96 Dodgers probably make the World Series, and they wouldn’t be facing the Yankees, but very possibly, the Baltimore Orioles.

From 91-2008 the following teams actually won World Series titles (in order):
The Twins, Blue Jays *2, (strike year), Braves, Yankees, Marlins, Yankees *3, Diamond Backs, Angels, Marlins, Red Sox, White Sox, Cardinals, Red Sox, Phillies.

All that is erased if Seattle passes on Ken Griffey Jr. In 1992 the Mariners were purchased by the chairman of Nintendo, as they were also thought to be a young promising team, with perhaps the most marketable star in the game. Take Griffey away, and with struggling attendance, a new owner may have moved them to a city like Tampa Bay. A threat made by their owner in the late 80’s and early 90’s before he sold the team.

So if there’s a team already in Tampa Bay, what city would have been picked for expansion in 1998 (when the Tampa Bay we know, got the Rays) Other cities that were considered were Buffalo, Mexico City, Nashville, Washington DC, Monterrey, Vancouver, Orlando and a couple of others. I’m guessing that DC would have won the Rays franchise. Undoubtedly, Seattle would have been on the list after losing the Mariners.

If DC were selected, than were would the Expos (now Nationals) relocated to 2005. Most likely one of the cities that applied for a team in 1998 get the Expos, and give them a name that’s better than “Nationals” and they probably even spell it correctly on all their jerseys. This really may be something I need to quit my job over and right a book about. Wonder if the wife will give me the green light? Wonder if more than eight people would be interested anyway? Guessing I’ve lost most of you already, but thanks for trying!

Favre is So Old....

How old is Brett Favre? Here are some players from the same draft (1991) as Favre:

Russell Maryland (retired after 2000)
Herman Moore (retired after 2002)
Dan McGwire (brother of Mark, gone since ’95)
Todd Marinovich (retired since 1992)
Eric “sleeping with” Bieniemy (retired 1999)
Rocket Ismail (retired after 2001)

And some interesting (to me) facts about 1991:

Dan Marino was 30 years old. Joe Montana was still on the 49ers. The Bills had just lost their second Super Bowl. The Rams and Raiders played in LA, Houston had the Oilers. Baltimore didn’t have a team and Cleveland had the Browns, before they moved away. The Colts went 1-15. Tony Dungy was the defensive backs coach in Kansas City.

In basketball, Michael Jordan won his first title. He hadn’t retired even once, yet. Magic Johnson was still playing, and he’s 50 now. Shaq was 19 years old, and a junior at LSU. Duke beat Kansas for the National Championship; it was Coach K’s first title.

Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa had a combined 353 career home runs. Just 18% of the home runs they’d hit, fueled by whatever they were on at the time.

You and I didn’t Google, email, text, blog, surf the net, DVR or own DVDs. No one had CD players in their cars, and gas was $1.14 per gallon. Leonardo DiCaprio was on “Growing Pains.” Silence of the Lambs won Best Picture. Megan Fox was 5 years old, and Miley Cyrus wasn’t born yet. Michael Bolton won a Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Performance, “male.” "Rosanne" was the top rated sitcom, and "Full House" was #7.

I'm Scared Hirpless

Okay, so legally I think I understand that in this country of ours, we have the right to “bear arms.” (putting a pin in the definition of amendment) I wouldn’t call it a God given right, you know, that whole debate on if there is a God or not, not to mention that thou shalt not kill thing. So Americans, legally speaking, have the right to have guns, got it. But I have issue with these people who are bringing their guns with them to protest President Obama.

This isn’t just a statement they’re making, it’s a threat. I guess a threat is a statement, but you know what I’m saying. If I’m attending a rally of like minded people, I really don’t think I should feel the need to protect myself. Of course, if those people are off the reservation, as many of these protesters are, maybe I would.

I see two statements here:
1. It’s our right to have these here guns, tell us we can’t just cause that Negro President is in the vicinity, and we is gonna start a revolution.

2. Watch it Obama, cause we have guns.

The first is the kind of point our 7 year old would make, to take something very literal and throw it back at us. She’s way too smart for our own good. But anyone with even a little common sense knows this is just inviting someone to take a shot at the President. How can the Secret Service protect him when they know so many people have guns, and disagree pretty strongly with the guy? Flip the script on them; surround them with a few hundred black men and some American Muslims, dressed in their traditional gear, but with assault rifles hanging on their shoulders. Let’s see if they get nervous, or just appreciate some fellow American’s exercising their rights.

There was a man at a protest outside of an Obama speech in Phoenix yesterday, and he had an AR-15 on his shoulder. Click that link, and look at that friggin’ thing. That isn’t for hunting, and that isn’t for protecting ones home. That’s made for killing. Of course that man didn’t want to be identified, but told the Arizona Republic, “In Arizona, I still have some rights.” Rights, check. And the balls to go on record? Oh sorry, negative ghost rider.

Agree with the President, or disagree with the guy and his policies. Vote that way, and voice your opinion. That’s all awesome. But I know that because I’ve mentioned the President and some weapons on this post, the Secret Service will most likely read this at some point, just to gauge what kind of threat I may be. (Hey guys, I’m really no threat at all. I’m just bloggin’ here.) I’m utilizing my right to free speech and eight or nine people may even read it, but I’m not threatening the lives of anyone.

I get that I probably know less about the law than I do about gardening, and I don’t know jack about that. But even Freedom of Speech has limitations, like you can’t yell “fire” in crowd for shits and giggles. There’s Freedom of Religion, but employers can’t base employment on affiliation. Can’t there be something that prevents citizens from carrying guns when they’re anywhere near the President? It’s insane, there’s no way that it isn’t meant as a threat. Like when the Kyd has a boy come pick her up for a date in 10 years, and I’m in the kitchen sharpening knives and unloading a bag from the hardware store that just happen to contain duct tape, a shovel, rope, a mask and a giant trash bag. Damn straight I’ll be sending a message to that little shit.

This country seriously scares the shit out of me. Obama’s going to screw this country up? If you’ve been paying attention, we’ve been screwed up for years. Pretty much since the start, and even if I prefer this place, that doesn’t mean it can’t be improved. If there was some glory days that I’m not aware of, someone please point that era out for me.

I love, that if we even discuss changing anything, everyone wants to point to the Bill of Rights. Like how so many of us find God, or ask the big guy for help, only when it suits us.

***

And now its lesson time boys and girls:

a•mend•ment
1. The act of changing for the better; improvement:
2. A correction or alteration, as in a manuscript.
3. a. The process of formally altering or adding to a document or record.
b. A statement of such an alteration or addition:
4. A material, such as organic matter or sand, mixed into soil to improve growing conditions.

Our key words and phrases here are:
Changing for the better, improvement, correction or alteration, and adding.

The Line is now a Dot

There was really zero chance that I wouldn’t rant about Slutty Cyrus after her latest stunt. Rush Limbaugh would give President Obama a pass for calling someone a “cracker” before I could keep my mouth and/or blog silent on this. First, let me say that, I’m really not THAT old fashioned, and I’m really not all that conservative. What I have is lines, not those kinds of lines. These lines aren’t always easy to define, but I always know when the line has been crossed. Maybe that’s not fair, but the Kyd will have a damn good idea of where that line is. She’ll probably ask, just so she can pole vault over it. And that’s fine, as long as a pole vault is the only pole involved.

So Ms. Cyrus performed at the Teen Choice Awards this past weekend, one of 83 award shows I could literally give a shit about. Until now that is. Miley performed her new song, and during her “routine” she did a few moves with the assistance of a pole. This girl is 16 friggin’ years old, and she’s dancing on a pole. As the Sports Guy says, “Rule No. 1 of having a daughter: Keep her off the pole.”

He’s absolutely right, and Billy Ray, you failed your daughter before she could even vote, hell, you probably before she learned to read. I’m sure there’s plenty of 16 year old girls who think that’s “sexy.” These girls have been watching Britney Spears (who Cyrus called her “my hero” since they were six years old, and plenty of rap videos that feature pole dancers, and they see how 16 year old boys react. So naturally, they feel it’ll impress the boys. Here’s a lesson for the Kyd, if there’s something you can do to impress a 16 year old boy, there’s definitely a line there. Impressing 16 year old boys is as intelligent as pointing a red laser at a cop or trying to ignite your farts.

So I don’t think she’s unique for wanting to pull off being a slut, girls have been doing it since the first cavewoman went cave hopping. But the fact that both her father (first and foremost) and the producers of a show geared only to teens, and now child pornographers, someone page Chris Hansen (he seems like a guy that still wears a pager) would allow such antics.

Wait, there’s more! If you order in the next 20 minutes you can also hear my thoughts on how these “ladies” dressed. I didn’t watch it last night, but there couldn’t be a better time for Kimberly-Clark to target teenage boys with some Kleenex ads. I can’t imagine any parents who would be okay with their daughters dressing like this. Not at any age. Pretty sure my father-in-law wouldn’t look at my better half with pride in his eyes, if she dressed like that. I would, but I’m talking about parents here.

There’s a great joke by Dave Chappelle that goes like this:

"The girl says, 'Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!' Which is true. Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't ever forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is SHIT IS CONFUSING! It just is.
Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me, saying, 'Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!' 'OH-H0H!!! Just because I'm DRESSED this way does not make me a police officer!'
All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform."

I’ve read that last year, Miley Cyrus earned $25 million, and if the average manager of a singer gets 15-20%, so her manager earned somewhere between $3.75 and $6.25 million. Just so happens that Billy Ray is his daughter’s manager. Tell me again how this isn’t pimping his daughter? Before I heard anything about her pole position, there was something online about a joke by Dane Cook. And for the record, that guy just isn’t funny. But he poked fun at another Disney cash cow, Vanessa Hudgens, for taking some nekkid pictures that leaked out. The joke, still, wasn’t funny, nor really appropriate for the setting. And that’s how you know exactly how big of a cluster fuck this whole thing is. When Dane Cook is making a good point, you’ve reached new levels of wrong.

Would it be asking too much for Senate to ignore steroids in baseball, and spend some time on how Disney is exploiting children at a Catholic Church like rate?

Hirpality TV

This is where I sound like an old fuddy duddy, and I really don’t even care. Earlier this week I saw a Facebook update where a friend said he was watching the “Fat-chelor” (he swears it’s not his term, and I believe him). Now I’m pretty much in the mind set that “The Bachelor” is awful television, and here it is, bad for our kids. Now we have the, well, “super sized” version with “More to Love.”

This is the last thing our kids, especially the girls, need to see. It was bad enough for their self-image, when all they saw was pretty (see: skinny) girls acting like douches to get the affection of some douche bag, because he had the right bone structure. Ah, but they were all there for the “right reasons” (I’m aiming to set a personal record for quotation mark usage in one post). And we know the producers care, because they’re now giving us a show that the heavier girls can watch. The highlights tell me this, and that these women are just so damn proud of their bodies, and want someone to love them just the way they are.

If these producers had a soul, there’d only be one show. Not a skinny show and a fat show. What really pisses me off about this, is only one title references the body types of the contestants. Reminds me of when we call a great Spike Lee movie a great “black” movie. When you have two groups of women, and we refer to one group as just women, and the other as plus size or “More to Love” you aren’t doing any of them any favors, especially the viewers at home. “The Bachelorette” is a normal, or what should be normal, woman. “More to Love” is women who are different, because why? They don’t barf after every meal.

As an uncle to girls, this sort of thing really pissed me off. Now that I’m helping raise a girl, and I hear more about how self conscious girls are at such early ages, it pretty much makes me want to throw a shoe at my TV. Wait, I don’t mean that, sorry TV. I love you, you know this.

At the same time, we can’t just blame the producers. It’s the public that eats this shit up. But what came first, the chicken or the shit? This isn’t good for young boys either, who catch mommy and daddy watching these shows. Movies are bad enough, with the whole portraying of what they want us to consider beautiful. But this is “reality” television, so its message is allegedly real. And that’s bullshit. The Kyd doesn’t need the television getting in her head, it’s already tough enough just finding friends to sit with in the cafeteria on the first day of second grade.

Time Travel

My cousin sent me a story this morning, about a chance meeting with former Tiger and Reds manager, Sparky Anderson. He and his brother grew up in Detroit as Tiger fans, and his brother (along with the movie Mask) were really the catalyst behind my baseball card collection, which I still have, although I think the idea of it paying for my college might have missed its target. Maybe one day the Kyd will want them, or her (just shit my pants) son (my grandson) will. Please hold, I’m going to throw up, I’ll be right back.

Anyway, reading his email about the conversation he had with one of his hero’s got me to thinking about my childhood heroes. I was pretty lucky as a kid, and met more than a few ball players. When I was 11, some friends and I were allowed to skip Hebrew School to go to a baseball card store in Danbury Connecticut and meet Darryl Strawberry. This is back when Darryl was the man, a World Champion, a lock for the Hall of Fame and destined for at least joining the 500 HR club. At 11, this was one of the highlights of my young life. Later that year, after a Met game, we were able to meet, and get an autograph from the Met skipper, Davey Johnson. And a few months after that, we went to a book signing by Duke Snider. Who actually wasn’t a hero, but a Hall of Famer and a class act.

We moved to Kansas when I was 12, and within just a few months, we met Danny Tartabull at a local grocery store. My buddy across the street was the nephew of an Oakland A’s catcher, who also lived in the neighborhood. I saw a bus load of A’s go to his house one afternoon, including Rickey Henderson, Dennis Eckersley and Dave Stewart, and even though I didn’t meet them, I was pissing myself to just see them in my neighborhood. And then we found out where to stand after games, to meet ball players as they went to their cars, or as visiting players got on their bus.

Fast forward to 1995, and the strike has come to an end. Word spread that the Cleveland Indians were staying in the same hotel that my Bar Mitzvah reception was held, so a friend and I headed right over. I met Eddie Murray (questioned him on the Mets, and he said they’d never win, because the exec’s had no clue) Carlos Baerga, Jim Thome, Kenny Lofton and Manny Ramirez. I talked to Dave Winfield and Mark Clark, and saw Tony Pena getting in an elevator with two young ladies. At the Royals game the night before, we saw Albert Belle (world class Asshole) respond to a mother who was asking for an autograph for her son, that if she got in his limo they “could discuss it.”

I was no longer a kid, and I was seeing these guys for what they really are for the first time. A friend in college met Paul Pierce, who told her “I own this campus, I can get my D**k sucked anytime.” You stay classy, Paul. Later I saw Tony Gonzalez and Warren Moon in a local bar, surrounded by women, and it was no secret that Moon was married. I even was able to attend the wedding reception for a well compensated, often injured, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher. See, I’ve been pretty damn lucky. But to have the opportunity, to go back to when I didn’t know them as assholes, man, that just sounds too good to pass up. To actually, even if just for a day, reclaim some of that innocence, is priceless, even when done so vicariously.

But this morning I read this email from my cousin, who is no stranger to rubbing elbows with familiar names and faces, and the picture of him and Sparky looked like it was just a picture of a 12 year old and one of his heroes. So I’m wondering, and day dreaming, about whom from my childhood, would have that effect on me.

There’s always Dwight Gooden. Put his well covered troubles aside, and even though I can’t say his name without wondering “what if,” I know just how clammy my hands would get. Just how dry my mouth would get, hell, just typing about it, I am starting to feel all those things. Mike Tyson and Lawrence Taylor also make my list, but again, there’s so much drama connected with those guys. I really wonder if I’d have such an innocent moment of reliving my childhood if I came face to face with them, or if I’d be filled with the disappointment of what could have been.

Magic Johnson, he absolutely would make me feel 12 again. Sadly, the 12 year old Hirp wasn’t much shorter than the 32 year old is. But I’d have my hair again, so there’s that. I think Billy Joel, Mookie Wilson, Wally Backman, and Roger McDowell would bring out the 12 year old me. And talking about “bringing out the kid in me” it’s hard to pass up on the obvious Michael Jackson jokes. But this is bigger than that; I hate myself for even thinking those jokes.

So I must say thanks to my cuz, for sharing his story and pictures, and getting me to spend some time thinking about the 12 year old version of me.