New Hirp Laws

Restroom Etiquette

I've come up with some rules, no make that laws, for proper behavior while in a men's room. Ladies, luckily you don't use the restroom for the same reasons. I know you just go in to talk to each other, check hair, apply make-up and for some of you it's a chance to do some blow. So these rules don't apply to you. It a well known fact that women don't have to pee or poop. And no, you can't convince me otherwise. Without further adu.

There's no talking. You don't stand at the urinal and strike up a conversation. Ever. Also, there's no using your cell. No one wants to talk to you while you're in there and no one that's in there wants to hear you talk. (note, cell phone use is allowed as long as its texting or video games) Also, there is no giving yourself a pep-talk out loud. No one needs to hear you psyche yourself up for this. Bonus, you don't need to say excuse me after any noises. Let's just not acknowledge it.

Along the lines of the noises. Try your best to keep the volume down. I know it's natural but leave the booming bass for home or in your car.

Eyes forward at all times. Pick a spot on the wall above the urinal and stare. Turn your head and anyone in there has the right to smash said head into wall.

Dry your hands. It's more important than actually washing them. I don't want to reach for the door handle and wonder if it's damp cause you just didn't dry your hands or you peed all over them. I'd rather it be dry and open the door under the ignorance that you did wash AND dry.

Head nods are acceptable. As a way to communicate with other patrons, or well unless you're having extra-curricular activities.

Women stop reading now.

Guys, leave the seat in the stall down. You wanna pee, there's a little opening in the seat so you can piss with it down. Just aim. Also, try to avoid leaving your pubes on the seat. That's just fucking gross. I didn't leave any on your pillow when you were out last Sunday, don't leave any on my seat.

Lock the door to your stall. And I hope this goes without saying, make sure you shut it.

Stand close to the urinal. We aren't giving away points for distance.

If you bring reading material, that's fine. Leave it behind or throw it out. Think George and Seinfeld. Also, don't get caught with Us Weekly or you might get banned.

And in closing, some words of wisdom from Confucius. Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.