Laced

Who wants to get rich with me? I’m looking to file a class action law suit, and I’m thinking it could be a huge settlement. We’re talking about a public safety issue, one that affects all of us and all of our children. Lives are being put at jeopardy, and without a reason or benefit to anyone. This isn’t about guns, seatbelts, abortion or people who TWD (text while driving). I’m talking about shoelaces, and their dangerous round design. What happened to the days when shoelaces were flat? They never came untied then. But now I see my own, as well as my friends, laces coming untied for no apparent reason.

Lives may have yet to been lost, but it’s only a matter of time. There was nothing wrong with the old design, and I see no benefit to these new round laces. Is it a fashion statement? I can’t see how it would be. If it is, what does it say? “I really hope I trip.” Well, I won’t stand for this. And if I’m not careful, that’ll be a literal statement. We’ve been lied to long enough; corporate America needs to start caring about the consumer again. Coffee comes with warnings now, cigarette packs tell us of their health risks, and casinos give us a phone number to call for help with a gambling addiction. Yet the shoe companies continue to show no regard for our safety or our wallets. The first Presidential Candidate to take up my cause will get my full support, unless of course it’s a Republican other than Rudy.

So, does anyone have a number for Jackie Chiles?

-------------------------------------------

I’ve spent about two weeks out of the last five house/dog sitting for various friends, and it’s not that I have a plethora of friends. (anytime I can use the word plethora, you can bet your ass I will) And my latest gig is about to come to an end, so I’m looking for more house sitting opportunities. Maybe this will be my reality TV show; I’ll just give up my apartment, put most of my possessions in storage, and spend a year house sitting. Cameras can watch me dig through dressers, put the milk back in the fridge with one drop left, charge up ridiculous amounts of adult movies and sit naked on my friends’ couches as I eye both the dog and a jar of peanut butter. Shit, I think I may have said too much.