Loyalty. For me, it’s the most important trait someone can have, irreplaceable if it’s lacked. So that said, I respect my friends for their loyalty to KU. But there’s a line between loyalty and silly. See, I have three separate friends who all have something in common with their thinking and how they express their loyalty to KU. They all have vowed to never live in the state of Missouri.
I love a good rivalry, but this is taking it too far. Taking it from fun to embarrassing. They all brought up the fact that former MU coach, Norm Stewart, wouldn’t spend the night in Lawrence. Choosing to load the bus after a game, no matter the time, and head back to Columbia. This some how, is seen as a slight to these and other KU fans. To me, it’s simply motivation, as well as smart. So because Norm Stewart wouldn’t spend the night in Kansas, these fans can’t reside in Missouri. They’ll shop, eat and work in Missouri. They’ll go to Worlds of Fun, a Royals game, or the boats in Missouri. They’ll even cheer for a small forward who grew up in Missouri, and had a brother play for MU. But they’re so loyal, and anti-MU, they can’t own land in Missouri.
What better way to one up the Tigers, than to own a slice of their land? That’s better than any “your mama” jokes you can think of.
“Fuck you Tiger, I own part of your state. This land belongs to a KU alumn. We’re takin’ over, bitches.” That’s how you handle a beef/rivalry.
When Tupac and Biggie had their beef, what did Biggie write? “Goin’ back to Cali” after Pac wrote about sleeping with Biggie’s wife. They didn’t talk about avoiding the others land and/or property. They bragged about going there, and showed no fear. So rather than show some balls, these fans cross State Line on occasion, and return home with an item, while their money stays in Missouri. That’s loyalty? Sure, and President Clinton was loyal to Hilary when Monica had a mouth full of Prez.
I know, Missouri was a slave state, but I’m pretty sure none of these Hawks had family in Kansas back then, nor did anyone they know in the state of Missouri have slaves. So, let’s just put that one to rest okay? Remember, Kansas didn’t want to teach evolution and it’s the home of Fred Phelps. You can’t disown those facts, and only look at Missouri’s flaws (which there are plenty).
And best of all, this is only about the fans. Norm Stewart was actually friends with Roy Williams. Drew Gooden and Kareem Rush used to hang out together, in both Lawrence and Columbia. This loyal pledge is one thing, ridiculous. Hey, if you don’t want to live in Missouri because the schools in Kansas are better, or because you enjoy the Dorothy jokes, that’s fine. At least there’s some thing resembling logic behind those ideals.
I have to go, the Kyd needs another KU shirt and hat to wear to camp in Missouri.
June 30, 2008
Hirpasms
We finally got around to watching Charlie Wilson’s War this weekend. I had looked forward to seeing it ever since reading that Aaron Sorkin penned the screenplay. Very good flick, although not on par with “West Wing” “Sports Night” or A Few Good Men.
Sorkin serves up a lot of food for thought on our current situation in Iraq. This is summed up perfectly with a little story that is told in the movie:
There's a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse... and everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. the boy got a horse" And the Zen master says, "we'll see." Two years later The boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everybody in the village says, "how terrible." And the Zen master says, "We'll see." Then a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs messed up. and everyone in the village says, "How wonderful."
***
Mike Tyson is 42 today. How many people lost money on him living this long? I still love Mike. With all his craziness and pure insanity, his charming way of butchering the English language and his rap sheet, there’s something very authentic about him. Just like with a lot of the celebs/athletes that I’ve cheered for, he’s very flawed. There are the guys who are flawed, but try to cover it up, and then there are the guys who are either brave enough to show us their true colors, or too scared to try and hide them. I respect the latter. And while we’re talking Tyson, yes, I firmly believe he was innocent of that rape. Guilty of crimes we’ve never heard of, but innocent of that one.
He’s been in the news of late, although a bit under the radar. Seems Mike had a body guard he was very close to, and this guy was up to no good. Rumor has it, he’s the guy that helped make 50 Cent famous. Not by discovering him, or writing for him, but for shooting him. So he ended up dead, and Tyson allegedly put a $50,000 contract on the killer. And in turn, there may now be a contract out on Mike. This happened, allegedly of course, in 2000. Mike’s still here, and now he’s 42.
As Mike told the NY Post, “I already expect the worst to happen... I expect one day somebody'll blow my brains out over some bullshit No one gives a shitt about Mike Tyson. Someone accuses me of a horrible crime, others say, 'Yeah, he's capable of that. Mike probably did it.'"
I can’t wait to see the documentary: Tyson.
Sorkin serves up a lot of food for thought on our current situation in Iraq. This is summed up perfectly with a little story that is told in the movie:
There's a little boy and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse... and everybody in the village says, "how wonderful. the boy got a horse" And the Zen master says, "we'll see." Two years later The boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and everybody in the village says, "how terrible." And the Zen master says, "We'll see." Then a war breaks out and all the young men have to go off and fight... except the boy can't cause his legs messed up. and everyone in the village says, "How wonderful."
***
Mike Tyson is 42 today. How many people lost money on him living this long? I still love Mike. With all his craziness and pure insanity, his charming way of butchering the English language and his rap sheet, there’s something very authentic about him. Just like with a lot of the celebs/athletes that I’ve cheered for, he’s very flawed. There are the guys who are flawed, but try to cover it up, and then there are the guys who are either brave enough to show us their true colors, or too scared to try and hide them. I respect the latter. And while we’re talking Tyson, yes, I firmly believe he was innocent of that rape. Guilty of crimes we’ve never heard of, but innocent of that one.
He’s been in the news of late, although a bit under the radar. Seems Mike had a body guard he was very close to, and this guy was up to no good. Rumor has it, he’s the guy that helped make 50 Cent famous. Not by discovering him, or writing for him, but for shooting him. So he ended up dead, and Tyson allegedly put a $50,000 contract on the killer. And in turn, there may now be a contract out on Mike. This happened, allegedly of course, in 2000. Mike’s still here, and now he’s 42.
As Mike told the NY Post, “I already expect the worst to happen... I expect one day somebody'll blow my brains out over some bullshit No one gives a shitt about Mike Tyson. Someone accuses me of a horrible crime, others say, 'Yeah, he's capable of that. Mike probably did it.'"
I can’t wait to see the documentary: Tyson.
June 27, 2008
Hirplings
I’ve often joked to my friends with pets about taking their beloved fur ball to the local Chinese restaurant one day, and having some tasty ribs. Sick and twisted, sure, but they knew that when they decided to be a friend. And when we got our dog, I kidded my wife about having a spending limit to fix any ailments that may one day, um, ale our pup. Originally I said no more than a grand, that came down to $100. She didn’t much care for these jokes, so it may not have been wise to continue to crack them, even yesterday when we realized Riley needed to see a vet.
“Riley girl” as she called by the Kyd, was having a little blood in her urine, and with my wife’s extensive medical knowledge, we decided this was probably not a very good thing. She called it from the start, urinary tract infection. The trip to the vet was much like a trip to a real doctor. There were awkward glances in the waiting room, just between the dogs, and they made sure we received the full wait experience. A solid 20 minutes before getting our name called, and then another 10 minutes in the examination room before the vet came in. He promptly stuck a thermometer up Riley’s bum (and she handled this much better than I would) and asked an assistant to obtain a urine sample. Total time with Vet: 6 minutes. Dog comes back from her walk, and we’re told it’ll be another 10 minutes while they analyze her pee. That 10 minute was really 14 minutes, and the Vet came in and informed me that it was indeed, a urinary tract infection. The damage was $95. I’ve had shits take longer than that. Riley may have had the thermometer up her arse, but I had a similar feeling walking out.
And so I still wonder, what would our “price” be. How much is too much to save an animal? I have a price on what I’d spend to save a parent, and sadly for them, that little fund was spent yesterday afternoon on Riley. Sorry mom and dad. I admit it, I’m a bit sick for thinking about it. But this doggy health care has led me to the idea of becoming a canine-massage therapist. IF people are crazy enough to take their dogs to expensive “doggy hotels” hire therapists when their pets become depressed, and drive while their dog French kisses them, well then I can be a canine-massage therapist. I’m not even totally kidding here.
Sense a theme lately? Hirp wants to get rich.
***
Last night, the family enjoyed some fine dining at a well known, and respected, establishment. Everyone’s favorite House, I-Hop. Yep, that’s how we roll. And the Kyd was enjoying the place mat that doubles as entertainment for a while, and then we joined in. You forget how much fun a paper placemat and two crayons can be. This lead to a family coloring and drawing session back at the ranch, and that was just a ton of fun. Back in the day, I used to really enjoy the arts. I was 13 or so when I gave it up, but I used to think of myself as something like an aspiring artist. Mainly I just wanted to follow in my uncle’s footsteps, and design cars for a living. But it was a lot of fun then, and I realized it’s a lot of fun now. Plus, a six year old thinks the shit I do is actually good. So I have a quick ego boost. Wait till she’s a teenager, and everything I do is retarded.
“Riley girl” as she called by the Kyd, was having a little blood in her urine, and with my wife’s extensive medical knowledge, we decided this was probably not a very good thing. She called it from the start, urinary tract infection. The trip to the vet was much like a trip to a real doctor. There were awkward glances in the waiting room, just between the dogs, and they made sure we received the full wait experience. A solid 20 minutes before getting our name called, and then another 10 minutes in the examination room before the vet came in. He promptly stuck a thermometer up Riley’s bum (and she handled this much better than I would) and asked an assistant to obtain a urine sample. Total time with Vet: 6 minutes. Dog comes back from her walk, and we’re told it’ll be another 10 minutes while they analyze her pee. That 10 minute was really 14 minutes, and the Vet came in and informed me that it was indeed, a urinary tract infection. The damage was $95. I’ve had shits take longer than that. Riley may have had the thermometer up her arse, but I had a similar feeling walking out.
And so I still wonder, what would our “price” be. How much is too much to save an animal? I have a price on what I’d spend to save a parent, and sadly for them, that little fund was spent yesterday afternoon on Riley. Sorry mom and dad. I admit it, I’m a bit sick for thinking about it. But this doggy health care has led me to the idea of becoming a canine-massage therapist. IF people are crazy enough to take their dogs to expensive “doggy hotels” hire therapists when their pets become depressed, and drive while their dog French kisses them, well then I can be a canine-massage therapist. I’m not even totally kidding here.
Sense a theme lately? Hirp wants to get rich.
***
Last night, the family enjoyed some fine dining at a well known, and respected, establishment. Everyone’s favorite House, I-Hop. Yep, that’s how we roll. And the Kyd was enjoying the place mat that doubles as entertainment for a while, and then we joined in. You forget how much fun a paper placemat and two crayons can be. This lead to a family coloring and drawing session back at the ranch, and that was just a ton of fun. Back in the day, I used to really enjoy the arts. I was 13 or so when I gave it up, but I used to think of myself as something like an aspiring artist. Mainly I just wanted to follow in my uncle’s footsteps, and design cars for a living. But it was a lot of fun then, and I realized it’s a lot of fun now. Plus, a six year old thinks the shit I do is actually good. So I have a quick ego boost. Wait till she’s a teenager, and everything I do is retarded.
June 26, 2008
Hirp's Way
The Hirp has been heard. Sometimes I think that only friends are reading this blog, but today I saw firsthand what kind of impact I’m having. Someone high up at Burger King must be a fan, and they don’t work too fast, because it took almost three years till the customer saw some results. And really, it’s that customer that I care about.
As you read http://hirp-com.blogspot.com/2005/10/have-it-your-way.html, it more than bothered me that they only offered “medium” and “large” soft drinks. But thanks to my work, Burger King now rightfully offers a “small” beverage. I ask not for recognition or financial reward, just that they continue to keep the customer in mind. And with in mind, I must share my thoughts on my visit to their fine establishment today.
It’s 2008, and they still haven’t learned that they’re supposed to be “fast food.” The time has come to do away with handing the customer a receipt the length of Tommy Lee, then moving the herd a whole foot away to fill their cups (inferior lids and all). I know they don’t want to be too much like McDonalds, so be the McDonalds we all grew up with. You know, back when they had four, maybe five registers manned, and your order was ready before you finished paying. Back when fast food was fast, and also cheap. I get it, they want us to believe they’re really preparing our food fresh, but if I wanted to wait that long for an order, I’d go some place where I don’t have to pick up after myself, and the ketchup came in a bottle.
As you read http://hirp-com.blogspot.com/2005/10/have-it-your-way.html, it more than bothered me that they only offered “medium” and “large” soft drinks. But thanks to my work, Burger King now rightfully offers a “small” beverage. I ask not for recognition or financial reward, just that they continue to keep the customer in mind. And with in mind, I must share my thoughts on my visit to their fine establishment today.
It’s 2008, and they still haven’t learned that they’re supposed to be “fast food.” The time has come to do away with handing the customer a receipt the length of Tommy Lee, then moving the herd a whole foot away to fill their cups (inferior lids and all). I know they don’t want to be too much like McDonalds, so be the McDonalds we all grew up with. You know, back when they had four, maybe five registers manned, and your order was ready before you finished paying. Back when fast food was fast, and also cheap. I get it, they want us to believe they’re really preparing our food fresh, but if I wanted to wait that long for an order, I’d go some place where I don’t have to pick up after myself, and the ketchup came in a bottle.
June 24, 2008
Hirpality TV
I still feel that Reality TV is the handy work of the devil, even if the devil is a room full of Jewish producers. But lord, I don’t been tempted by the devil. Forgive me, for I have sinned. And I’d like to place all the blame on my wife, thank ya kindly. I know, it’s not her fault, but I’m trying to keep my rep here. See, the other night, we watched a couple episodes of “the Two Coreys.”
It’s not really our fault, it was impossible to not be interested in it, when the previews showed the two guys pushing, pulling and slapping like school girls. We were curious to see these macho men fight it out, or cry it out through a session or two of couples counseling.
And we weren’t disappointed, it was complete trash, and completely hysterical. To hear Corey Feldman say, “when we were on screen together, we were unstoppable.”
Um, you fall just a little short of being Newman and Redford. Like Amy Winehouse falls short on staying sober. Really dude, Lost Boys and License to Drive were cheesy by 80’s standards. And now you’ve made a sequel to Lost Boys, because that was about as necessary as running a sprinkler in Iowa right about now.
The highlight/lowlight came when the boys who success left behind 20 years ago, started comparing molestation tales. Haim put it so eloquently, “you let me get fucked around in my life. Raped, so to speak, when I was 14 and a half.”
Okay, I’m not making light of rape here, but I’ve never heard someone make a statement like that. He was fucked around in life, raped, sorta? What does “so to speak” mean? And why did he tell us he was 14½? I thought the “and a half” ended with 9½. Is this some how more tragic because he was 6 months closer to 15? And Feldman’s defense, was that he was being molested at the same time. I read today that it wasn’t Michael Jackson, but his assistant. Again, I’m not making fun of rape here, but his assistant. Really? Do I need to spell out this joke? I’m so going to hell.
Totally off the subject, did anyone else notice Feldman’s crib? Or that Haim was able to just buy a place with a killer view? These guys can’t have money left from the 80’s, and Paris Hilton has put out better movies in the last 15 years. Man, the life of a has been aint so bad.
Looking at IMDB.com, I have to know who is directing the classic in waiting; Lost Boys: The Tribe. And it’s the great P.J. Pesce, you know him. He directed great movies, like Sniper 3 and From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter. His mini biography notes that he entered the Graduate Fil School and studied under Martin Scorsese, from who he received honors (which I find hard to believe) and Brian DePalma, from who he received an “F” (which I find very easy to believe). So I’m pretty sure he edited his own imdb.com biography. I bet he even updated his bio on Wikipedia.com. And shockingly, he has an entry there. Wait, this guy sold a screenplay for a record setting $2 million. (the Wikipedia entry has the dollar sign before 2, and says dollars after million; how redundant is that?) He is a “screen writer of note” but according to imdb, he has written episodes for “The Adventures of Chicgo and Guapo” as well as the screenplays for The Desperate Trail (which actually had a respectable cast), Body Waves and The Afterlife of Grandpa.
So a movie he penned hasn’t hit the screen, and it was the TV screen, since 1995. Yes, he’s most definitely a “screen writer of note.” And this blog puts me in the same stratosphere as Chuck Klosterman. And because I’ve played baseball, you can also refer to me as “a baseball player of note.” Wow, I really didn’t mean to spend so much time on P.J. Pesce. I bet he finds this blog, you know he’s going to google his name. Probably does it ever other Thursday.
Last thing about Lost Boys 2, isn’t funding a show for these two, going a little far to promote a movie that is only going to be direct to video? If you want to see a Haim and Feldman classic, rent Blown Away. I’m convinced that Reese Witherspoon stole Nicole Eggerts career. And HBO hasn’t been the same since producing that classic.
Anyway I am, still adamantly, against all contest based Reality TV. I think its all garbage, but I can forgive someone who has been whored out their entire lives for deciding to whore themselves out for another shot at fame. I can’t forgive any pedestrians for whoring themselves out for their 15 minutes. Just get a blog, and get off my Tele.
While I’m in my little reality confessional booth, the one show that is actually decent and worth watching is: Gene Simmons, Family Jewels. It’s amazing how cool, relatively normal and down to earth that family is. And most importantly, they are hysterical.
I'm thinking maybe I didn’t need that last 5 milligrams of Focalin this morning.
It’s not really our fault, it was impossible to not be interested in it, when the previews showed the two guys pushing, pulling and slapping like school girls. We were curious to see these macho men fight it out, or cry it out through a session or two of couples counseling.
And we weren’t disappointed, it was complete trash, and completely hysterical. To hear Corey Feldman say, “when we were on screen together, we were unstoppable.”
Um, you fall just a little short of being Newman and Redford. Like Amy Winehouse falls short on staying sober. Really dude, Lost Boys and License to Drive were cheesy by 80’s standards. And now you’ve made a sequel to Lost Boys, because that was about as necessary as running a sprinkler in Iowa right about now.
The highlight/lowlight came when the boys who success left behind 20 years ago, started comparing molestation tales. Haim put it so eloquently, “you let me get fucked around in my life. Raped, so to speak, when I was 14 and a half.”
Okay, I’m not making light of rape here, but I’ve never heard someone make a statement like that. He was fucked around in life, raped, sorta? What does “so to speak” mean? And why did he tell us he was 14½? I thought the “and a half” ended with 9½. Is this some how more tragic because he was 6 months closer to 15? And Feldman’s defense, was that he was being molested at the same time. I read today that it wasn’t Michael Jackson, but his assistant. Again, I’m not making fun of rape here, but his assistant. Really? Do I need to spell out this joke? I’m so going to hell.
Totally off the subject, did anyone else notice Feldman’s crib? Or that Haim was able to just buy a place with a killer view? These guys can’t have money left from the 80’s, and Paris Hilton has put out better movies in the last 15 years. Man, the life of a has been aint so bad.
Looking at IMDB.com, I have to know who is directing the classic in waiting; Lost Boys: The Tribe. And it’s the great P.J. Pesce, you know him. He directed great movies, like Sniper 3 and From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter. His mini biography notes that he entered the Graduate Fil School and studied under Martin Scorsese, from who he received honors (which I find hard to believe) and Brian DePalma, from who he received an “F” (which I find very easy to believe). So I’m pretty sure he edited his own imdb.com biography. I bet he even updated his bio on Wikipedia.com. And shockingly, he has an entry there. Wait, this guy sold a screenplay for a record setting $2 million. (the Wikipedia entry has the dollar sign before 2, and says dollars after million; how redundant is that?) He is a “screen writer of note” but according to imdb, he has written episodes for “The Adventures of Chicgo and Guapo” as well as the screenplays for The Desperate Trail (which actually had a respectable cast), Body Waves and The Afterlife of Grandpa.
So a movie he penned hasn’t hit the screen, and it was the TV screen, since 1995. Yes, he’s most definitely a “screen writer of note.” And this blog puts me in the same stratosphere as Chuck Klosterman. And because I’ve played baseball, you can also refer to me as “a baseball player of note.” Wow, I really didn’t mean to spend so much time on P.J. Pesce. I bet he finds this blog, you know he’s going to google his name. Probably does it ever other Thursday.
Last thing about Lost Boys 2, isn’t funding a show for these two, going a little far to promote a movie that is only going to be direct to video? If you want to see a Haim and Feldman classic, rent Blown Away. I’m convinced that Reese Witherspoon stole Nicole Eggerts career. And HBO hasn’t been the same since producing that classic.
Anyway I am, still adamantly, against all contest based Reality TV. I think its all garbage, but I can forgive someone who has been whored out their entire lives for deciding to whore themselves out for another shot at fame. I can’t forgive any pedestrians for whoring themselves out for their 15 minutes. Just get a blog, and get off my Tele.
While I’m in my little reality confessional booth, the one show that is actually decent and worth watching is: Gene Simmons, Family Jewels. It’s amazing how cool, relatively normal and down to earth that family is. And most importantly, they are hysterical.
I'm thinking maybe I didn’t need that last 5 milligrams of Focalin this morning.
June 23, 2008
Penis and Napkins
Kids say the funniest things right? Here’s proof. Yesterday, we were getting ready to head to the pool. That’s how we roll. So I was getting ready to change, so Coco and the Kyd were exiting our room. The Kyd called Riley out of the room, and after the door closed dropped this gem.
“Come on Riley, you don’t need to see daddy’s little penis,” (she calls Coco and I the dogs mommy and daddy)
So Coco, shocked, responded with, “I don’t think you should call it small.”
That was the setup for, “Okay. Riley, you don’t need to see daddy’s big penis” Look, I have an ego, but having a 6 year old say that is creepy and scary.
And so mom quickly responded, “Let’s just call it ‘his privates.’”
***
So now that I would like to find a new job, all I seem to do is see things around me that are making someone else rich. Like today at lunch, I couldn’t help but wonder how the napkin company got started. And I wonder if there is someone out there now, who is itching to turn the napkin business on its collective ear. Maybe I can become the Steve Jobs of napkins. I’ll call them i-Kins. I’ll make them ultra-thin, packaged in a really sleek box and they’ll be overpriced. Just wait till the i-Kin mini hits.
Then maybe it’ll be time to move on to taking on the tray business. I just need to find a way to keep a drink for tipping, and I can revolutionize the trays we all use when we grab fast food. Imagine walking at your normal pace, while keeping an eye on the kids and not once worrying if your drink will tip. I could put the company that makes the lids for McDonalds’ cups out of business. And you know you’ve noticed how those lids are 100 times better than their Burger King counterparts.
“Come on Riley, you don’t need to see daddy’s little penis,” (she calls Coco and I the dogs mommy and daddy)
So Coco, shocked, responded with, “I don’t think you should call it small.”
That was the setup for, “Okay. Riley, you don’t need to see daddy’s big penis” Look, I have an ego, but having a 6 year old say that is creepy and scary.
And so mom quickly responded, “Let’s just call it ‘his privates.’”
***
So now that I would like to find a new job, all I seem to do is see things around me that are making someone else rich. Like today at lunch, I couldn’t help but wonder how the napkin company got started. And I wonder if there is someone out there now, who is itching to turn the napkin business on its collective ear. Maybe I can become the Steve Jobs of napkins. I’ll call them i-Kins. I’ll make them ultra-thin, packaged in a really sleek box and they’ll be overpriced. Just wait till the i-Kin mini hits.
Then maybe it’ll be time to move on to taking on the tray business. I just need to find a way to keep a drink for tipping, and I can revolutionize the trays we all use when we grab fast food. Imagine walking at your normal pace, while keeping an eye on the kids and not once worrying if your drink will tip. I could put the company that makes the lids for McDonalds’ cups out of business. And you know you’ve noticed how those lids are 100 times better than their Burger King counterparts.
2Hirp
On the way into work today, I was again listening to the radio (not Mike & Mike, that wasn’t on and I am investigating) anyway, the story they told was of a few false HIV positive tests in New York. It seems that about 200 people were wrongly informed that they tested positive for HIV. Holy fuck nuts! I can’t even imagine. First, how would I react? Other than poorly, I really have no idea. Then you have to wonder how many of those 200 started informing their former and current partners, and they may have informed some of their partners. This is like the sickest game of “telephone” ever. And then it ends with “Oh, oops, our bad. Um, sorry, but look on the bright side, you don’t have HIV.” I’d quit before having to make that call. I’m not sure which job is worse, making the call to tell someone they have a life threatening disease, or the call to apologize for getting it wrong.
***
Let the day dreaming begin. My buddy Mike just announced a date and location for his upcoming wedding, and Coco and I will be headed to St. Thomas next May. Needless to say, we’re thrilled. We could really get used to this whole jet setting thing. Now I just have to hope that we some how see gas prices plummet, so we can afford this thing.
***
Let the day dreaming begin. My buddy Mike just announced a date and location for his upcoming wedding, and Coco and I will be headed to St. Thomas next May. Needless to say, we’re thrilled. We could really get used to this whole jet setting thing. Now I just have to hope that we some how see gas prices plummet, so we can afford this thing.
June 19, 2008
Hirplings
I know this much, it isn’t going to be fun. I’ve had a root canal, but I must have blocked out the experience, because I have no recollection of the procedure itself. I do remember thinking, “that wasn’t the worst thing ever,” but I no longer believe myself. I am now convinced this is going to be more painful than when I broke my back, scarier than being carjacked, and last longer than high school. That’s my very own un-holy trinity. If I believed in Hell, those would be three of the lowest rings. I know it makes me a giant cry baby, and I really don’t care. I’m working hard at freaking myself out, and I won’t be denied. So I have that going for me, which is nice.
***
Yesterday I applied for a job online, and the job sounds pretty good, so I have no real shot at getting it. Not just because it sounds good, but because my resume isn’t good enough. My work experience should get me in the running, I’d think so anyway, but there’s one very small section which is my Achilles heel. The lack of a degree, I’ve known all my life, would hold me back. So on part of the online application, they asked for a summary of my academic experience. I wanted to simply answer “brief.” But that didn’t seem like enough of an answer. So I stated the facts, I went to KU, but I didn’t graduate, and so to summarize my experience; it was “brief.” Figure I’m screwed if they just look as see a goose egg in the degree section of their scorecard, so I might as well try and give an answer that stands out more than, or as much as, Bachelors from University of Missouri. Oh, that reminds me, after telling them it was “brief” I went on to say “could be worse, I could have a degree from Kansas State.” I need to hire an editor who will keep me from saying something so stupid. I just hope their HR person hates Kansas State with a passion. Or hates KU so much, they want to bring me in for an interview, just to humiliate me. At least that would give me something to blog about.
***
Yesterday I applied for a job online, and the job sounds pretty good, so I have no real shot at getting it. Not just because it sounds good, but because my resume isn’t good enough. My work experience should get me in the running, I’d think so anyway, but there’s one very small section which is my Achilles heel. The lack of a degree, I’ve known all my life, would hold me back. So on part of the online application, they asked for a summary of my academic experience. I wanted to simply answer “brief.” But that didn’t seem like enough of an answer. So I stated the facts, I went to KU, but I didn’t graduate, and so to summarize my experience; it was “brief.” Figure I’m screwed if they just look as see a goose egg in the degree section of their scorecard, so I might as well try and give an answer that stands out more than, or as much as, Bachelors from University of Missouri. Oh, that reminds me, after telling them it was “brief” I went on to say “could be worse, I could have a degree from Kansas State.” I need to hire an editor who will keep me from saying something so stupid. I just hope their HR person hates Kansas State with a passion. Or hates KU so much, they want to bring me in for an interview, just to humiliate me. At least that would give me something to blog about.
June 16, 2008
Happy Hirp Hard On
Flipping through the channels this weekend, I came across the Christian Slater classic, Pump Up the Volume. This movie is ripe for a re-make. The angst ridden 90’s teen had to use a pirate radio station to get his voice heard, and turn his community on their ear. Today, that could easily be an angst ridden teen that uses either a blog or Podcast, to do the same. All the greatest themes have been used up, and turned into theme parks.
***
Now that we have a dog, we’ve become avid watchers of “The Dog Whisper,” great show. So great, that I’ve decided to make my own, “The Wife Whisper.” Instead of “siss’ing” (best way I could describe the sound Cesar makes) and poking wives in the ribs (I can’t see that going well for any husband) I believe in a soft tap on the nose, to redirect her behavior. Of course, this would inevitably, lead to “The Husband Whisperer” and I fear it would be a flick to a testy, to redirect a husband who lacks discipline. In the end, we’d all be better off if these just ended up as skits on an SNL-like show. Just not SNL, please, I’m begging you. This is funny enough, that people should actually see it.
***
Tonight marks the return of “Weeds.” ‘Bout damn time too, I can’t wait. Although I wasn’t very happy with how last year went, I have high hopes that they’ll right the ship. Albert Brooks joins the show as her father-in law, who helps her break the law. After “Weeds” Showtime will debut their newest show, “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” Which has been unavoidable, and highly anticipated since “the Sopranos.” Really, when we saw how well received a sociopathic mobster was, every guy started to dream of the day we’d see the every day life of a call girl. Wonder how many episodes we have to wait till we get the Eliot Spitzer-inspired show.
***
Now that we have a dog, we’ve become avid watchers of “The Dog Whisper,” great show. So great, that I’ve decided to make my own, “The Wife Whisper.” Instead of “siss’ing” (best way I could describe the sound Cesar makes) and poking wives in the ribs (I can’t see that going well for any husband) I believe in a soft tap on the nose, to redirect her behavior. Of course, this would inevitably, lead to “The Husband Whisperer” and I fear it would be a flick to a testy, to redirect a husband who lacks discipline. In the end, we’d all be better off if these just ended up as skits on an SNL-like show. Just not SNL, please, I’m begging you. This is funny enough, that people should actually see it.
***
Tonight marks the return of “Weeds.” ‘Bout damn time too, I can’t wait. Although I wasn’t very happy with how last year went, I have high hopes that they’ll right the ship. Albert Brooks joins the show as her father-in law, who helps her break the law. After “Weeds” Showtime will debut their newest show, “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” Which has been unavoidable, and highly anticipated since “the Sopranos.” Really, when we saw how well received a sociopathic mobster was, every guy started to dream of the day we’d see the every day life of a call girl. Wonder how many episodes we have to wait till we get the Eliot Spitzer-inspired show.
June 12, 2008
Hirp'ed
I think we are officially screwed. I knew it would happen, but I figured we had a good 6 or 7 years, and she’d figure it out as a teenager. But the kid is smart, too friggin’ smart. For the past two weeks or so, bedtime has become the battle grounds. With the 6 ½ year old always getting “scared,” so scared that she can’t fall asleep. About 7 months ago, we worked with her, so she could fall asleep without her mom in the room. She did great, with few hiccups along the way.
Then we came back from a weekend in Branson, in which we shared a room with the kid. And since then she has been unable, or unwilling, to fall asleep alone. Coco or I will sit on the floor, and she’ll look over her shoulder every few minutes to make sure we’re still there. She’s a stubborn, determined little booger. Man, I love that about her. Well, 95% of the time anyway.
See, about six weeks ago we had a tornado scare, and to be “truthful G” (as I’m told I need to be) she was a bit scared that night. Hell, I was a little nervous that night. But for the following weeks she was fine at bedtime. Then it started, and it doesn’t seem to stop. She seems to forget about it all day, until we mention bedtime. And she either talks herself into be scared again, or she just flips a switch and turns on the drama. She could be looking at a future Oscar. It isn’t just rainy nights, but she gets scared on picture perfect nights. And there is no calming her and returning to the couch.
And it isn’t that we’re screwed because of the lack of sleep, although it doesn’t help. We’re screwed because she learned, way too early, that we can’t really do a damn thing. We can tell her we’re disappointed, take away toys and prized stuffed animals. But we can’t really do shit. Not just us, but all parents, unless you’re the asshole kind of parents that hit. Once a kid realizes, they can act like shits, doing what they want, and we may yell or get mad, but still love them. That’s when they win, that’s the end game.
Then we came back from a weekend in Branson, in which we shared a room with the kid. And since then she has been unable, or unwilling, to fall asleep alone. Coco or I will sit on the floor, and she’ll look over her shoulder every few minutes to make sure we’re still there. She’s a stubborn, determined little booger. Man, I love that about her. Well, 95% of the time anyway.
See, about six weeks ago we had a tornado scare, and to be “truthful G” (as I’m told I need to be) she was a bit scared that night. Hell, I was a little nervous that night. But for the following weeks she was fine at bedtime. Then it started, and it doesn’t seem to stop. She seems to forget about it all day, until we mention bedtime. And she either talks herself into be scared again, or she just flips a switch and turns on the drama. She could be looking at a future Oscar. It isn’t just rainy nights, but she gets scared on picture perfect nights. And there is no calming her and returning to the couch.
And it isn’t that we’re screwed because of the lack of sleep, although it doesn’t help. We’re screwed because she learned, way too early, that we can’t really do a damn thing. We can tell her we’re disappointed, take away toys and prized stuffed animals. But we can’t really do shit. Not just us, but all parents, unless you’re the asshole kind of parents that hit. Once a kid realizes, they can act like shits, doing what they want, and we may yell or get mad, but still love them. That’s when they win, that’s the end game.
June 11, 2008
Hirp Night at the "K"
I’ve been a baseball fan, and going to games, for 24 years and last night spoiled me. I’ve been lucky enough to sit in Shea (many would argue how lucky that makes me) right on top of the first base dugout, I’ve sat in the bleachers at Wrigley and had some pretty choice seats on the third base side there too. But last night we sat in the 4th row behind home plate, and I’ll probably never have such good seats again. This might ruin, or at best, lessen my future trips to the ballpark.
We sat in plush, movie theatre style, chairs. Our food and drinks were included in the price of the tickets (which were free to us) and we had a nice restaurant we could sit in. Much like the Arrowhead club, only it wasn’t packed like my Arrowhead experiences, which made it feel even more exclusive. And lets be honest, most people in the Arrowhead Club aren’t there to watch, they just want to be seen. And that’s the best thing about the seats we had. Maybe it’s my ADD, but sitting in any other seats, I often find myself people watching as much as I watch the game. But we were closer to home plate last night than the pitcher. Sure, when the ball is actually in play, it’s harder to see the action. But 90% of the action in a baseball game happens at home.
Some of the highlights for the evening came from the group of four middle aged women that sat next to us, and the foul comments that flew freely. They should be doing the commentary for every Royals game, just put them in the booth. But make sure someone is ready to hit the bleep button early and often. Royals’ player hits a foul ball in the 9th inning, “nice hit, fucking idiot.”
The only issue of the night was when my mother in-law called my wife, to let her know she saw her on TV, and asked her to wave. For a brief moment, we were those people. Sorry.
Next year, I’m hoping the Mets come to town, and I need to have these seats for that series. That’s right; I’ll be the guy right behind home plate with the hat of the visiting team.
June 09, 2008
Tooth Things
On my old school list of ten things I hate, I didn’t mention the Dentist. I don’t know what I was thinking; I guess it’s just a no brainer. But I hate the dentist; I am a rabid anti-dentite. They’re sick and twisted individuals (as a group of) who are just plain mean. So last week when I started getting a really bad tooth-ache, I was less than thrilled. Never mind the throbbing pain, that’s manageable, but having to deal with the dentist, that’s pretty much the last thing I want to do. I’d rather grow a skullet. See I can say that, but I know Mrs. Hirp would never allow such a thing to happen.
So this morning, I did my best Dead Man Walking as I approached my new dentist, and awaited the verdict. The gavel slams: root canal, two of them. Fuck. Not only is this going to be about as pleasant as, well, a trip to the dentist, it’s going to cost a couple of grand. Let’s see, I could have a kick ass flat screen TV, a new Xbox 360 and a Wii, take the wife purse and shoe shopping and go out for a nice steak. Or I can sit and be miserable. I will now set myself on fire, and then jump into a pool of gasoline.
Next Thursday is my very own D-Day. And just to make it interesting, my old friend, Bum, is in town that night, and we have plans to go out to eat with he and his wife. Nothing makes more sense than to have BBQ after having some dental work done. I figure there’s a better than average chance that I chew off half of my face, because the Novocain will still be working.
***
Okay, gas prices have gotten to the point that I think I have to make this request. It isn’t going to do much for us, but it’s at least something. Let’s get rid of that 9/10ths of a cent, and drop the price back from 3.99 and 9/10ths to just $3.99 per gallon. Give us that much. Give me back 13 cents per visit, you can do that much, you greedy fuckwads.
So this morning, I did my best Dead Man Walking as I approached my new dentist, and awaited the verdict. The gavel slams: root canal, two of them. Fuck. Not only is this going to be about as pleasant as, well, a trip to the dentist, it’s going to cost a couple of grand. Let’s see, I could have a kick ass flat screen TV, a new Xbox 360 and a Wii, take the wife purse and shoe shopping and go out for a nice steak. Or I can sit and be miserable. I will now set myself on fire, and then jump into a pool of gasoline.
Next Thursday is my very own D-Day. And just to make it interesting, my old friend, Bum, is in town that night, and we have plans to go out to eat with he and his wife. Nothing makes more sense than to have BBQ after having some dental work done. I figure there’s a better than average chance that I chew off half of my face, because the Novocain will still be working.
***
Okay, gas prices have gotten to the point that I think I have to make this request. It isn’t going to do much for us, but it’s at least something. Let’s get rid of that 9/10ths of a cent, and drop the price back from 3.99 and 9/10ths to just $3.99 per gallon. Give us that much. Give me back 13 cents per visit, you can do that much, you greedy fuckwads.
June 06, 2008
From the Hirp
This morning I signed on to AOL (sorry, but I helped fund that company and I won’t leave now) and there was a story about a hit and run in Hartford, Connecticut. There’s video of the bizarre and barbaric incident below, and you have to watch it. I’m not going to be like every other blogger today who heard about it, and rant about how far gone society is, to allow something like this to happen. Just watch the clip.
***
This weekend I’m helping my folks with a garage sale, a long over-due garage sale at that. We’re hoping to sell the couch from my days as a bachelor, as well as some two coffee tables and an end table. The small stuff would be great to move, but mainly I just don’t want to have to move the heavy shit again. So that’ll be my Saturday morning and afternoon. Sunday, the plan is to just hang around the pool and do a whole lot of nothing. It’s been a while since we had a weekend of nothing. You forget how great those weekends can be.
“Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wall paper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.”
***
And take a minute to say “hi” to Riley. We had talked about getting a dog for a while, just after we moved into a house. At one point we had decided to get two dogs, and name them “Frank” and “Dean.” But that idea was scratched, when it was decided that a female dog made more sense. So for fun, we kicked around names, and kept coming back to “Brooklyn.” A name we both loved, even though as my cousin pointed out, I am not from Brooklyn. Sorry cuz, I can’t name her Long Island. But I think we’re sticking with Riley, there’s just too much guilt in changing her name now.
***
This weekend I’m helping my folks with a garage sale, a long over-due garage sale at that. We’re hoping to sell the couch from my days as a bachelor, as well as some two coffee tables and an end table. The small stuff would be great to move, but mainly I just don’t want to have to move the heavy shit again. So that’ll be my Saturday morning and afternoon. Sunday, the plan is to just hang around the pool and do a whole lot of nothing. It’s been a while since we had a weekend of nothing. You forget how great those weekends can be.
“Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wall paper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.”
***
And take a minute to say “hi” to Riley. We had talked about getting a dog for a while, just after we moved into a house. At one point we had decided to get two dogs, and name them “Frank” and “Dean.” But that idea was scratched, when it was decided that a female dog made more sense. So for fun, we kicked around names, and kept coming back to “Brooklyn.” A name we both loved, even though as my cousin pointed out, I am not from Brooklyn. Sorry cuz, I can’t name her Long Island. But I think we’re sticking with Riley, there’s just too much guilt in changing her name now.
June 05, 2008
Running Diary, Game 1
7:54pm James Taylor sings the National Anthem. Puts everyone to sleep, good call, Boston.
7:56pm Lakers are being introduced, its Led Zep and P.Diddy doing one of his remixes from the late 90s. Mistake number two.
7:57pm The suspense is building, some montage of Celtic highlights is being played, and capped with a KG scream. This is better..oh wait, Paul Pierce just yelled “Let Me Hear It!!” And then we get 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake “Ayo Technology” A song about seduction by a New Yorker and a former boy band member, that’s what you’re going with? Someone needs to get fired in Boston. It’s Boston, go with Aerosmith or even New Kids for crying out loud!
8:00pm So far everyone looks scared. There isn’t one guy that looks confident, maybe they’re too worried about remembering all the steps to their handshakes.
8:01pm So it’s 6pm in LA, wonder if anyone’s working there. I firmly believe both teams should be wearing throwback uniforms. Lets see if Kobe can drop 40 with hits nuts on full display.
8:03pm That’s gotta suck, the guy from ABC has a band-aid on his forehead. Of all the days to get a zit. Oh well, no idea who he is anyway.
8:06pm Two pep talks that made me want to take a shit. If you can’t think of something better than that, just play a clip from Rudy.
8:07pm Our first weather interruption. Gonna be a shitty night.
8:09pm “Lisa’s iced coffee,” retarded ad. I hope Lisa chokes on her iced coffee.
8:10pm And we’re underway..my prediction, LA 99 Bos 94. Kobe goes for 32
7:56pm Lakers are being introduced, its Led Zep and P.Diddy doing one of his remixes from the late 90s. Mistake number two.
7:57pm The suspense is building, some montage of Celtic highlights is being played, and capped with a KG scream. This is better..oh wait, Paul Pierce just yelled “Let Me Hear It!!” And then we get 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake “Ayo Technology” A song about seduction by a New Yorker and a former boy band member, that’s what you’re going with? Someone needs to get fired in Boston. It’s Boston, go with Aerosmith or even New Kids for crying out loud!
8:00pm So far everyone looks scared. There isn’t one guy that looks confident, maybe they’re too worried about remembering all the steps to their handshakes.
8:01pm So it’s 6pm in LA, wonder if anyone’s working there. I firmly believe both teams should be wearing throwback uniforms. Lets see if Kobe can drop 40 with hits nuts on full display.
8:03pm That’s gotta suck, the guy from ABC has a band-aid on his forehead. Of all the days to get a zit. Oh well, no idea who he is anyway.
8:06pm Two pep talks that made me want to take a shit. If you can’t think of something better than that, just play a clip from Rudy.
8:07pm Our first weather interruption. Gonna be a shitty night.
8:09pm “Lisa’s iced coffee,” retarded ad. I hope Lisa chokes on her iced coffee.
8:10pm And we’re underway..my prediction, LA 99 Bos 94. Kobe goes for 32
June 02, 2008
Hirp Doggy Dog
Sharon Stone is catching some hell for some retarded comments she made about the earthquake in China, and all I want to know is: who the hell thought it would be a good idea to ask Sharon effin’ Stone about China? Seriously, whatever paper that hack works for, should be shut down. A Pulitzer they won’t win, but they’re in serious contention for “Irrelevant Question of the Year.” The problem, isn’t that celebrities have an opinion on current events, is that we ask them what their opinion is. If that earthquake was karma, what was Basic Instinct 2? In fact the only karma may explain for Ms. Stone, is her career.
***
I’m not ashamed, I’m not denying it and I won’t lie about it. I saw Sex in the City, that’s right, I said it. Mock me all you want, I know you will, and I just don’t care. It isn’t that I’m some fan of the show, or thought it was a fantastic movie (it was pretty good though) I was interested in seeing the movie, because I wanted to see how they pulled off giving a television show it’s grand finale on the big screen. And I think they pulled it off. I occasionally watched the show, so I know how it was put together, and I wanted to see if the writers could stay true to that. Or if they’d do the cash in thing we’ve seen from every 70’s show that’s been remixed into a big budget piece of shit in the past six or seven years. Seeing that they pulled this off gives me confidence and hope, that just maybe we haven’t seen the last of Tony Soprano.
***
Lastly, we have a new editition to the family. And it’s a girl! That’s right, we got a dog. Pretty friggin’ great dog too. But the real fun is tonight, when the kid meets the dog for the first time. She has no idea we have her, so her reaction is going to be legen..wait for it..dary.
***
I’m not ashamed, I’m not denying it and I won’t lie about it. I saw Sex in the City, that’s right, I said it. Mock me all you want, I know you will, and I just don’t care. It isn’t that I’m some fan of the show, or thought it was a fantastic movie (it was pretty good though) I was interested in seeing the movie, because I wanted to see how they pulled off giving a television show it’s grand finale on the big screen. And I think they pulled it off. I occasionally watched the show, so I know how it was put together, and I wanted to see if the writers could stay true to that. Or if they’d do the cash in thing we’ve seen from every 70’s show that’s been remixed into a big budget piece of shit in the past six or seven years. Seeing that they pulled this off gives me confidence and hope, that just maybe we haven’t seen the last of Tony Soprano.
***
Lastly, we have a new editition to the family. And it’s a girl! That’s right, we got a dog. Pretty friggin’ great dog too. But the real fun is tonight, when the kid meets the dog for the first time. She has no idea we have her, so her reaction is going to be legen..wait for it..dary.
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