"Aint no ballpark neither"

Interesting conversation I had this weekend. Went to the movies with a couple of friends, and at some point the debate of whether or not men and women had “leagues” came up. You know what I mean. Leagues, like a beautiful woman with a brain, good job ends up paired up with some dude of equal attractiveness, intelligence yadda yadda yadda. That’s right, leagues.

My friend, well she firmly believes there is no such league system. Knowing whom she married, I can see why. But, seriously folks I’m going to lend my two cents to the debate here. I think, without a question there are indeed leagues. For MOST men and women. As with anything, there are exceptions. It might sound shallow, it might actually be shallow. Then again, so are we all. On some level anyway. The fact that there are people, and typically its women, who will argue against the league system is something I blame Hollywood for. How many movies have we seen where the dork wins over the beautiful girl? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no upset about this. Truth is I’m looking to personally take advantage of this situation.

I believe that its human nature, to be attracted to someone who you have many common interests with. Including apperance. And fact is, looks are the first thing we notice. There was a line in the TV show House, where he said something along the lines of “nines marry nines, sevens marry sevens, and fours marry fours, you can go up or down 2 points but that’s it.” This is 100% true. And I think usually if these rules are broken its because of other factors. A beatuiful woman with a low self-esteem or some other hidden issues, goes for the five because she views herself as a five. Or the guy that’s a three lands the eight because his bank account has nine figures in it.

Want proof that it’s women who make the exceptions? Witness stupid ass shoes like Beauty and The Geek. Know why there isn’t a stud and a dud show? Because NO ONE would watch it. Not men, or women. Men who watch it, well for reasons other then their wives make them, watch it cause they want to be in the geeks penny loafers. Women watch it because they think its sweet or some bullshit. Flip the script? And it lasts shorter then Rob Lowe’s next post-West Wing mistake.

My friend states that if someone who is, well not of equal attraction, is able to showcase their best assets to the better looking half of the equation they can actually win them over. Horse shit. I tend to think I’m kind of witty, good with kids and trusted enough to dog sit for a few friends. None of that would be enough to get, oh Jennifer Aniston. Or Susan Radar. Hmm, gotta find her though and try. The biggest argument I face though in proving my case is, well the fact that every guy I know married out of his league. Thanks assholes.

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Quick question for you. This also came from a conversation I had one night with the same couple. We’ve all made our lists of celebs but this is a tougher one. If you could marry any television or movie chrarecter, which would it be? It has to be the entire character. Not the actor or actress, meaning what they do for a living, their life style and anything else you know about THAT character. Ready, set..leave your answer in the comments section.

Alert the media

I made a pretty big decision. I'd like to send out a press release but, I doubt the papers would pick the story up so I won't (I just can't handle that kind of rejection). But in light of recent events, and by recent I mean something on going for the past 15-20 years, I've decided the timing is right.

I am going to begin taking steroids, or human growth hormone, or my vitamins. I'm not sure what yet but, I'm going to start taking something damnit. That's all I'm learning from the media these days. The shit works. This guy on a bike in France, no not the one who had the big C, the new guy. Well he just got busted for "cheating." Well, he was like WAY behind and then one day made a huge improbable comeback (I imagine this is what makes any huge comeback huge, if it weren't improbably who would care?) and it was this great story of some dude we don't anything about over coming some huge obstacle. See, he was already in need of hip replacement surgery.

Anyway, now he has failed some drug test. Something about his testosterone levels were too high. Maybe he's just that fucking manly? I mean he wears tight shorts and spends hours with a small seat shoved up his ass. Tell me isn't that fucking manly?! But yeah, now he's a cheater. Hell with that, he's a visionary. He's god damn Popeye, AFTER he eats his spinach. Only we think it might shorten his life. Riding a bike at high speeds on the edge of a cliff was never a serious threat to his life I assume.

But I disagree. This man is a true American hero. HeÂ’s willing to sacrifice him self for the glory of victory? That's the American Way damnit. Our kids should emulate him. All those soccer parents who spend thousands of dollars on coaches, equipment, traveling and later on therapy need to just get their kids on the juice. Give little Johnny a hug and a syringe. He might be a champion some day.

Oh, a side affect is acne? Rage? Okay, so you relive high school. Big fucking deal. Wait, hold on. It shrinks YOUR equipment? Hmm. Well, thatÂ’s just beautiful irony. Makes a man a big winner, therefore he gets more girls. Only now he just has that many more girls pointing fingers and laughing at him. I think maybe I'll start selling orangwristbandds with "LiveWrong" on it.

Cats and Dogs

I was recently talking to someone who mentioned how they wished people could be like pets, and love us unconditionally. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not at all anti-pet. C'mon, who wouldn't want a fun puppy, a loyal dog or cat? Animals are all kinds of cool. But, do they give their owners unconditional love? Fuck no. First off, we even call them pet "owners."

Now I'm pretty sure any relationship that has one party referring to itself as the "owner" is far from a healthy relationship. So, we've ruled out that it's healthy. Now, for this unconditional crap. Let's see. Try not feeding your dog or cat. Think Benji will still love you? If you do, you're delusional. Now I know what you're thinking, you'd never do that because you love your pet right? Well, then give your pet some choices. Let em go outside, no fence or leash. How's that saying go, "if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you its yours" or something like that? Ah but, most people wont do that because they're afraid the animal won't come back. So right there, you actually doubt its love. Or its intelligence.

I know, many "owners" allow their cats to run around outside and the cat comes back. Well, its a manipulative lil fur ball. Is love bringing it back, or the promise of a meal it doesn't have to kill? This is the biggest reason they "love" us. We make their life easy. No longer do they have to hunt for food, or survive the elements. Lounge around all day, get fur every where and never even have to vacuum.

So what do we love about them? Well, for one they never judge us. Or they don't communicate when they do. They don't talk back. The only expectations they have of us is that we fill the water and feed 'em. For that, we might get a wagging tail or some company on the couch while we watch TV. Your dog or cat doesn't give a shit if you get promoted at work, or what kind of car you drive. Doesn't even notice if you're attractive, and even likes it when you smell bad. But we'll forgive them if they take a shit in the living room, cause they don't know better?! Chew up a shoe, and we blame ourselves for leaving it out. Cat rips up the couch and we accept it cause either you think its too cruel to declaw, or you haven't gotten around to it yet. Now if your 9 year old kid does any of this, you'll beat the shit out of the snotnosed bastard. Maybe not but you won't be happy and it'll take longer to forgive Timmy then it would to forgive Spencer.

Gregg Hirpsterman??

So I finished that book already. This really isn't like me. I've never been an avid reader. Although every once in a while, someone will suggest something and actually talk me into reading it. And at that point, if I end up enjoying it, I'll quickly try to read everything the author ever wrote. I'll search the internet looking for obscure stories or columns. I contact their high school English teachers trying to get my paws on something they wrote freshman year. Okay, well that's not even close to true.

What's funny, or sad depending on how you look at it, is reading something I love makes part of me never want to try writing anything ever again. I can already see it having an impact on how I write, and even what I write. I feel like after reading that, nothing I write will be really original or really me. Just me trying to sound like Chuck Klosterman. Since I started reading it, I sound different in my own head. This guy fucked my entire internal monologue. Well, not totally. Truth is he doesn't sound all that different than I do. Or I don't think so anyway. And that's part of what I like about him so much. Sounding like me, makes me think he's a pretty bright guy. Only I'm not even close to as clever or insightful as he is.

In high school I had a pipe dream of being the next Mike Lupica. For those that don't know, he's a sports columnist from New York. Well, he was then. As well as a contributor to ESPN The Sports Reporters, now he's that as well as a novelist. Basically, the guy can write his ass off. He's short, Jewish and all about New York. So you could say we saw eye to eye. But then my buddy Mike got me hooked on The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons. Sports Guy once published some email exchange he had with this author. Some guy named Chuck Klosterman. Sure I thought his emails were funny but I just figured it was impossible to not sound funny when going back and forth with my new writing hero. Till a few years later Mr Porqchop lent me a copy of Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. A copy I still haven't returned. What is it about a good book, CD or movie that I feel I should own it? Have it on display in some way in my apartment? Does it make me feel smarter and more sophisticated (you know I'll have to spell check that) or does it make me think I LOOK more smart. (yes that was intentional, funny huh?)

Anyway, what I'm saying is these guys who I end up really enjoying have a strange impact on me and my writing. Hell, I started up a blog BECAUSE of Sports Guy. He didn't write like he was as smart as Dennis Miller and talk over my head, he talked directly to me. And said things I said. Maybe a little funnier. But dude was speaking the language my friends and I speak. And yet at the same time, it makes me NOT want to write. Much as seeing a really good movie, kills the pipe dream I have of one day penning a screen play. If I ever am to sit down and write one, I want it to be original. And after seeing something that I really connect with, my first instinct is to write something like that. Totally related to my whole "the next" post from a few months back.

So I read Sports Guy, or Mr Chuck and I fight with myself over if I should write anything. Recently someone reads this here blog suggested they endorse me for a job as some writer type fella at their company. Which is a huge compliment. I'm pretty sure nothing is going to come from that directly but, maybe this blog will lead to some career opportunity down the road. Who knows? It's 50/50 ya know.

Now real quick, one more thing. Last night I got in bed, and flipped on the TV. TBS was playing Swingers. This blew my mind. And pissed me off. How the hell can TBS be playing one of the greatest indie movies of all-time? This isn't right. I know that by now, pretty much everyone has seen it so it's not really a underground cult favorite. But, TBS? Bravo would be fine. TBS shows Bad Boys every seven hours. Seeing Swingers on TBS is like seeing a really cute, cool chick who was always real shy and the fact that you knew here meant you were in on a great secret, and now she's dating some fucking cheese dick that isn't a bad guy but has no clue what he has. Or it's nothing like that at all. I know it sucks, I know that. And of course I watched it. By the way, how the hell is that movie over 10 years old now?!?! One day I'll post just about that movie.

HIghRP Times

It's a good thing I've never been high. This has nothing to do with it being illegal or unhealthy. No, it's much more individualized. See, I tend to oh, over analyze shit. Perhaps you could even say obsess. Just a tad. Anyway, as I've said before I believe in odds. And well Mr Chuck Klosterman has totally put that idea on its head and spun it around.

He has his own theory, which I'm getting to, that he first talked about in Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. Didn't really shake anything up for me at the time. But it did make me think. And as I'm reading Killing Yourself To Live, he has once again mentioned this theory. And well, I'm totally in awe.

Here it is. 50/50. For everything. Something will, or it simply won't happen. Take baseball, guy comes to bat and he's a career .300 hitter. Does that mean there's a 30% chance of him getting a hit? According to Chuck, no. He will, or he won't. It's 50/50. A friend of mine believes the world will end, if not in our lifetime in our children's lifespan. Now I can think that's a bunch of bull. But, wait. Chucks right. It will, or it won't happen.

See as I had been mulling over a move to Chicago, I had even given myself some percentage on the chances of it actually happening. Some how I came up with it being a 40% chance that I'd move to Chicago within a years time. But Chucks right, I will or I won't. I dated a dame or a while, and in my head again (based on gut not any real math) I had it down as 60% I married her. Again, I think that Chucks 50/50 theory comes into play.

I'm not entirely buying into this. Not yet. I mean, going to college does increase the chances of landing most jobs. But it sure is giving me some food for thought. Which brings me back to why it's a good thing I never smoked the pot. From what I hear, you tend to over think shit. And I do that just fine clean and sober. Now crap, I gotta go find some lunch. Sure am hungry.

Shots from the Hirp

So yesterday was interesting, seems ol’ Hirp here forgot to take his meds. No, there’s no punch line here. I got ready, and took off for work yesterday morning without taking my Ritalin. Leading to one unproductive day, and that’s just putting it nicely. More accurately would be to say I was completely worthless. Like a set of hammers on a nun. See, most people will say they have ADD and if you give most people Ritalin you’ll see a scene much like the one in There’s Something About Mary, where Magda was cleaning the apartment and lifting up the couch. But, take away Ritalin from someone who actually needs it, and you quickly understand why their GPA at KU wouldn’t even be legally drunk if it were a blood alcohol level.

See, I have a bit of a routine at work. Do some work, hit some down time and hit some web sites to read this and that. I couldn’t even do that. Really, I couldn’t even slack off properly. At my last job, my co-workers could tell within 5 minutes if I had forgotten to take my meds. Now that I’m actually living Office Space, no one notices. I probably should have posted something yesterday, the blogging of ADD. Only I couldn’t think of anything to even start off with.

Anyway, I did get an interesting bit of info yesterday. Remember my cousin I talked about? The one I was trying to help promote his next CD release? Well, seems I’m not actually related to the Jewish Kennedy’s. No, it’s much much better. He’s the fucking Hasselhoff of New Zealand. Yes, I said it. Re-read that sentence again, I’ll give you a second. . . . Got it? Here it is, I have one cousin who is a big ad guy. You’ve seen his work, and you loved it. My other cousin is a teacher and an author. Both of them are a musician as well, who have released some CDs, Eric, the ad guy is a solo artist and Glen is in a group called Momzer. Some how both of them have moved units and received some radio time in New Zealand. How fucking random is that? I’m some what considering releasing my rap debut just in New Zealand. I could be the Jewish Slim Shady to the Kiwi’s based on my last name alone.

Also, I picked up a new book this past weekend. Killing Yourself to Live, by my new favorite author Chuck Klosterman. I’m telling you, even though most of my friends don’t read him (yet), this guy is the voice of my generation. Never mind Cobain, Pac, Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Carson Daly or Eminem. This guy speaks for everyone I know, and most of them don’t even know it. He has our interests, our sense of humor, our issues, our quirks, our bitterness and he speaks nothing but truth. He both makes me feel like I NEED to have a blog and that I have no reason even letting my fingers hit the keyboard all at t he same time, for I am just not worthy. I’m like 18 pages into this thing and I already know it’s going to crack my top 5 of favorite books. Never mind that I’ve read 12 books in my life. He’s on a journey to visit everyplace a rock star died. From Sid Vicious in Chelsea and Cobain’s last spot in Seattle and every dark spot in between. And luckily he’s taking me along for t he ride

Shopping for chicks...

So yesterday I went shopping for a birthday present for my daughter. Well, she’s not really my daughter. It’s a friend of mine’s kid and I just claim ‘em as mine. Anyway, I’ve noticed this before when shopping for presents for my nieces but, it is impossible to buy for a girl. It starts right away, and never stops. But, it’s not like when they’re adults and you can almost never get the right gift or a big enough gift, no for little girls its just twisted. You can’t find a good gift cause all the little dolls like Barbie are all whored out. Seriously, they have these friggin children’s toys wearing skirt so short that if I saw someone my age wearing it, even I wouldn’t date her.

Mid-riff baring, pouty lips, school girl uniforms it’s fucked. Yes, I’m gonna catch shit for noticing. Someone’s gonna say I shouldn’t be in the toy section anymore. Let them. But then try and buy a gift for a 3 year old girl without seeing it. Boys get soldiers, cars, action figures from movies, hand held games and all sorts of cool shit. Girls get things that will help then discover bulimia. Or encourage them to start a family. Yeah, because what you really want is a 4 year old who can’t wait to be a mommy. Being that kids are so patient and all. Big shocker when 12 years later they’re popping out baby #1. It's not that I'm old fashioned. But the rules are different for people I know and care about. I don't want my nieces, or friends daughters dating till they are 35 or I'm dead. Whichever happens last. This isn't even a joke. This is however probably a solid reason I shouldn't have kids.

Option three is always some sort of kitchen. This just continues on the idea that women should be housewives. Wait, yeah I’m okay with that.

The Church of Hirp

So, I think I’ve decided to open up the Church of the Hirp. Not that I think I’m God or really for any reason other then boredom. Being that I don’t know, well a friggin thing about starting a Church, this may not be all that well thought out. I figure I need my own Ten Commandments and my own seven deadly sins. Really, I don’t see need for much else. So, without further ado.

Hirps Ten Commandments: (in no specific order)

1 Thou Shall turn ringer off in movie theatre
2 Thou Shall not say “fiancé.” Ever.
3 Thou Shall not kill they neighbor without justification
4 Thou Shall reciprocate
5 Thou Shall swear often
6 Thou Shall nap, not just on the Sabbath either yo
7 Thou Shall not gank from friends
8 Thou Shall never stab a friend in the back
9 Thou mother and father shall be responsible for their rugrats, then kids shall respect ‘rents
10 Thou Shall not rat


Hirp Seven Deadly Sins

1 Catching runner runner
2 Cheering for the Yankees or MU
3 Jumping on bandwagons
4 Wearing Zubaz or Moo moos
5 Mullets
6 Wrath, minus the anger and hatred
7 Pride

Signs of the Hirpacoplypse
A fiancé from MU who loves the Chiefs who loves high fives and is never ready to pay.

Hirpvatican
Shea Stadium

Hirpmecca
Vegas

Anti-Hirp
George W Bush

Messiahirp
Sports Guy

FORE!

Imagine if you will, and you will because Hirp just asked you to, that you’re a golfer. And you find out one day that a guy you played golf with on multiple occasions just played in a PGA event. But wait it gets better, he also made the cut. Now you don’t necessarily remember if you out played him but, you’re pretty sure you won at least a few holes. That’d be some cool shit right? Well, I am Tiger Woods. Okay, no I’m really not. But I just found out that a guy that used to played poker with the group I play with on a regular basis just played AND placed in a World Series of Poker event winning nearly $6,000.

It has been probably two years since we played together and I don’t really remember anything about those games in any great detail, other then he was a really nice guy. I never got the feeling that I couldn’t play with him. So, that’s a bit of confidence builder I think, and also gives the Bad Beats Crew some serious street cred. Like,there’s other poker groups out there that now fear us. Fo’ shizzle dizzle. We ridin’ dirty. Seriously, if we were a rap clique, we just had a guy get shot. Now, you should probably know that the event was a $2,000 No-Limit tourney and he placed 63rd. And I also know I’m a long ways away from being able to do something like that but, one day I would like to. For starters I couldn’t afford the buy in, or right now the ticket and hotel. And I remember him as a bright guy, so I don’t think the threat of losing $2,000 as something that would break his bank. The lesson there: always play within your bankroll. The single most important rule a poker player, or anyone, can learn. And one more poker lesson that translates so well into every other situation in life.

And just like that, I’m back. Took a long weekend and went to Chicago, saw some friends, a Met-Cub game, and drank some beers. I didn't however end up throwing up all over the city or sleeping in a bathtub. Thus making for a successful trip. Funny how things look when you grade on a scale. Seriously, I love that town. It has great energy, awesome architecture and it really does have a manageable feel to it. Where as New York, which I still feel is the superior city and the best in the world, can be a tad bit of an overload. Chicago is big, it’s exciting and I think the greatest thing is each neighborhood has well, such a neighborhood feel. Friday night we were in Lakeview (pretty sure, V will correct me) and we hit this great neighborhood bar. Not even a quarter full on a Friday night and everyone was just really relaxed. Most bars here, you’d see the bartender and waitresses stressing over the lack of business. Or they’d be looking across the street at some other bar to see if they were busy. So in the whole where would Hirp move to conundrum, Chicago is at the top of the list. One draw back. If I moved there, I’d get rid of my car (this is good) but then I wouldn’t have a way to get to the casino in Gary to play poker (this is bad). Serious, that’s an actual thought I had. 888-bets-off right?

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But now I’m back in KC. And it’s hot. It was hot as all hell in Chicago, like 98 at the ballgame on Saturday. But this morning I hopped online to check my mail and the weather forecast has 101 for tomorrow and 102 for Wednesday. That is just f’in ridiculous. Also, it was 5:30am and it was already 81 degrees. What is this, Arizona? No, know how I know? This isn’t a “dry heat.” No, this is humid and cruel heat. And I want to file a complaint with someone. Seriously, there’s no reason for it to be this hot.

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Most upsetting on going “sports” story is without a doubt the ‘round the clock updates about Barbaro. Today he’s “comfortable.” You can not be serious. It’s a fucking horse. I get he did some impressive things and it’s sad that he broke his foot and might be turned to glue soon. But it’s a horse for crying out loud. ESPN shows press conferences with doctors telling us a horse is comfortable. This is nuts. I’m sure he’s real comfortable being made to sprint while some midget on his back slaps and kicks him to make him go faster. Bet that’s real comfortable. There is actually a story on espn.com and a quote that reads “Barbaro in good frame of mind.”

Hirptheory

Did you see the movie The Perfect Storm? Yeah, it was the hugely disappointing George Clooney Marky Mark movie. Well, I have a theory related to that movie. Not about why it was such a let down. No, something a little more relevant. See, I happen to believe that anyone, and everyone is capable of pretty much anything. Under the right, or in many cases, wrong circumstances. You, me, your neighbor, your husband, that one guys wife and everyone in between.

Everyone has a breaking point. I think we can all agree on that. And see my theory is that if all the right things, go horribly wrong just about anything can happen. Meaning, wife is yelling at you on just the wrong day. Maybe work stuff, maybe a whole string of other things are going on at that exact time and you hit your breaking point. You'd never do it in your right mind, and you've never been a violent person before. But you raise your hand to your wife. Horrific? Yes. But I think anyone is capable of it. It doesn't excuse it, not for a second. And I also think, again depending on the circumstances, it is something that people can work out. Counseling, maybe a night in jail but, it can be worked out and one day forgiven. If all parties involved want that and are willing to work for it.

It's not just losing it and hitting your spouse that I think everyone under the sun is capable of. I mean, murder, infidelity, road rage, a drunk driving charge, striking a child or even rooting for a team that is usually your most hated rival.

Now this isn't the end of my theory, which comes from watching too much CourTV, A&E, NYPD Blue, Third Watch and who knows which movies. See, the other part of this is when it gets scary. If any of these things happen a second time, I can almost promise you a third and most likely a fourth time.

Have you seen a serial killer interviewed? They all say how hard the first one was and that after the second one it gets easier. And any guy that hits his wife twice, will one day do it again. I don't have a time table for this. I'm not saying within a year, or three. And it doesn't even have to be the same wife. How many parents have lost their cool and slapped their child? Some do it, and it seriously hurts them more then the kid and they make sure to never do it again. Some do it and what they realize is they can do it and they end up using it as a "parenting" method. Which is right up there with, "I drive better drunk" in the arena of complete bullshit.

And as with all things, I believe it's a matter of the odds. Studies show someone growing up in a violent household is more likely to continue this cycle. That doesn't assure it of happening, it just increases the odds. Someone can grow up in a house full of hippies, they still have a breaking point and are fully capable of something so regrettable.

Now, there's a flip side to this coin. If everything is lined up, and another "perfect storm" comes along, I think everyone is capable of greatness. Of being a hero. And again, anyone can do something great and selfless once. And when it happens a second time, I'll promise you a third. What makes this all even more confusing, is you can do both. Because really, we all have greatness in us just as we all have a dark side. So there you have it, discuss.

HIRPolitics

Well now it's gonna get political up in here, up in here. I was doing some channel surfing last night, which for the record should be in the next Olympics, and I ran into good ol' Donny Deutsch. His guest was Mrs Anglo Coulter. Oops, I meant Ann, honest mistake I swear. Anyway, I don't know if you've heard what this deranged chick is saying (and in this case, that's actually not redundant.) Basically she has personally attacked four women who were widowed on 9/11.

These four women, whom she claims call themselves the Jersey Girls, have been some what vocal and public with their anti-Bush feelings. Pretty American right? The right to free speech, kind of a big fan of that one. Anyway, Ms. Cunter damn typo I meant COUTLER, feels that if these women are going to exercise that right she and other republicans have the right to respond. That point, I do agree with. But, to personally attack them? To call them the "witches from East Brunswick?" C'mon. Have SOME class. I get you're republican but try to act with SOME class. I'm not saying they get a complete pass. They choose to voice their opinions on the President and the war, and in interest of the country, the other side should voice theirs. But without personal attacks and without grand standing.

No, they get a pass from that. Just as the families of soldiers who were killed in combat should get a pass from some asshole like Fred Phelps. These are the families of people who lost their lives, the law doesn't require you to give them a pass. Decency requires it. You can disagree with them, just do so respectfully.

Are these women she speaks of maybe enjoying the lime light to a point it makes us a little uncomfortable? I don't know, maybe. About as much as James Brady after he got shot by Hinckley and President Clinton later passed the Brady Bill.

This isn't the only personal attacks made by Coulter. She called Monica Lewinsky a "fat Jewish girl." What the hell? Look, compared to aneorexic Coulter, you might call Monica fat. And yes, she's Jewish. What do either one of these have to do with shit? Sure a lot of us just wish Bill had better taste, in fact I heard Monica said the same thing(rimshot). She also referred to former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis as "The Greek midget." Again, yes he's short. And yes he's Greek. So what?? I guess I respect her for not hiding behind a white hood but, I don't think the Klan lets women join the ranks.

Seriously, watching this ho bag talk gives me a similar reaction as when I see Phelps or Falwell speak. I just wanna hit em. Only this one I wanna punch right in the ovary. And I think it's funny she tries to use her looks to manipulate. Really, she's not attractive. Is she skinny and blond? Yes,and she even wears really short skirts and heels. Which you'd think all adds up to be some hottie right? Well, she's whiter then my ass. Really, this chick is pale. Like a white sheet. Her face? She actually looks like John Kerry. Not his daughter, no she looks LIKE John Kerry. Only without courage, and intelligence.

Entourage Talk

So Entourage got back on track last night. Although it seems to be headed for some bumpy times, nice to not see that moron Dom. I do see some rough times coming. Not with the writing or anything, but for the guys. Seems like Johnny Drama is getting his panties all in a twist and getting jealous of Turtles new found success.

Which really is understandable. I mean, he has to know he's an idiot. There's no secret that he's riding Vinnies coattails. But before he had a partner in crime. E and Vinnie were making things happen, while he and Turtle coasted along. Sure he wanted to be a star on his own but, his consolation prize was that he wasn't the lone loser. Now that's not the case.

Turtles a straight up hustler. Not a bad way like he's a con man, no I mean he makes shit happen. He's done it for Vince and the whole clique for over two seasons. Who brought out the pizza from NY? Who knew a way to get the cash together so he could afford the pj's for the Playboy party? No doubt in my mind he blows Saigon up (note; Saigon was actually shot a few months ago in NYC, wonder if that'll get into the script)

Meanwhile, Johnny is left to hijack Turtles meeting with Ari. And is suddenly offended at the offer of a free meal. So I see Drama going down a path of self-destruction. And I also see the gang having some serious conflict. If Turtle has his own thing going, who drives? Who goes and gets shit?

Gonna be mighty interesting and entertaining to see what happens next.

On a related note. I'd LOVE to see a real movie about Escobar. Recently I watched something about him on the History channel, and this is a flick that needs to get made. I'm not sure who could play him. We saw a glimpse of him in Johnny Depp's Blow. But this is a guy who needs his own feature film. Just a ruthless, mean, sick twisted fucker. How could that not be a good movie?

Old enough to know better, young enough???

So we've all heard of a mid-life crisis right? No, I'm not there. Not yet. Although I am looking forward to dating a 20 year old. Occasional I think I might be headed for a quarter-life crisis but, chances are I'm not about to do anything totally out of character. Cause, well that just wouldn't be me.

But I tell ya, this aging thing, the shit happens over night. How's that for two horrible puns? Anyway. I'm being serious. I don't know when it happened exactly. I've always had a good memory (it's not failing me..yet) but, now I actually have conversations and am able to say "well 20 years ago," and I vividly remember whatever it is I'm referencing. Even 25 years back. This sucks dude. Recently I saw some high school shit, I mean kid, wearing a class of 09 tee shirt. So, you mean to tell me when I was a senior this kid was 4 years old? Get the F out! Oh god, I just threw up in my mouth. I just realized my niece is class of 2010. Wait another goddamn second. 2010? Did I just say something about the year 2010 and this isn't sci-fi? See, that's the crap that makes me feel old. 2010 isn't supposed to be a real year. I shouldn't see that on a calendar, only in the beginning of some futuristic movie.

And yet, I really haven't matured at all since I turned 18. My hairline has. My bills have matured (some literally.) Tell ya something else that made me feel old. This happened a few years back. Friends starting getting married. WHAT?! Wait, it gets worse. Some starting having kids. KIDS?! People my age having kids and there parents are thrilled and not threatening to castrate someone over it. This is just bizarre. What's next, I should get a 401k? Crap, I have one.

Here's a sad sign that goes along with this. I was talking to a friend a few weeks back, and we were talking about it's pretty hard to meet girls these days. And both of us said how we're at the age now where there will be a sudden jump in the newly single, freshly divorced women. Seriously. It went from wow, I can't believe I'm old enough that the majority of my friends are married. Feels like just yesterday (and no it wasn't, another stupid restraining order) I was at KU freshmen orientation and they said to look to your right, and then your left and that one of those people wouldn't be back for their sophomore year. Wait, crap! I was that kid.

Another top 10

So I haven't posted much lately. Has Hirp just been really busy leading an exciting life? Um, not so much. Works been, well work. Last couple days there's been network issues so I've literally spent hours just playing on the internet. And in that time I haven't found anything worth mentioning.

Anyway, when I got home yesterday LA Confidential was on. Great flick. Then I remembered talking with some movie fans in the late 90s about the best movies of the 90s and how this was near the top of the list. And since we're now on the second half of the current decade I decided it was time for a top 10 list.

10 Snatch.
9 High Fidelity
8 Gladiator
7 Mystic River
6 Requiem For A Dream
5 Traffic
4 Hotel Rwanda
3 Kill Bill Vol 1&2
2 The 25th Hour
1 Memento

What the hell does it take Dubya? How could such a huge move not cause you to react IMMEDIATELY? I saw you on tv yesterday, sweating like a pig. Why didn't you send some troops to handle this crisis?

No I'm not talking about that hobbitt in Korea lobbing missiles around Asia like well, like Dubya would. It's this mess in Jersey. Bad enough they had to close send home all these government workers without pay. But when you close a casino, you've gone too fucking far. And Atlantic City? What did Worm say about the poker room at the Taj? "Where the sand turns to gold."

And Mikey Mcd's response "fuck it, let's go."

Let's understand something. New Jersey sucks. Minus Tony Soprano, nothing good has come from Jersey. It is without question, the armpit of America. But it is home to Atlantic City, and all those casinos. And in those casinos are many poker tables. All of which are just sitting there today. No one raking back some bit pots, no bluffs. No horrible bad beats or smooth calls. No tilt or slow playing. Just sitting there like any normal table. Making Jersey even more of a waste land, and I didn't think that was possible.

Rated: FUC by H.I.R.P of America

Meaning, FOR YOU CONGRESS. Or, if you prefer you can change the first word to something else. Anyway, I just read a story about Congress getting their panties all in a twist because a Christian movie, "Facing the Giants" was rated PG isntead of G due to religious content.

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence," Blunt said in a letter to MPAA Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Dan Glickman.

Um, in my opinion you're damn right exposure to Christian themes, and for that matter any relgious themes, is as dangerous if not more so for children then sex and violence. For starters, we can prove sex happens and violence occur. And both happen a whole lot in Gods name (well sex may not happen in his/her name but it sure is brought up a lot during) Either way you slice it, all three issues should be left between parent and their kids. And if a movie needs to be flagged so the parents know the content, how can that be a bad thing?

Mainly because so many parents would just see a G rating and think that it just had a nice harmless story, with perhaps a good message. But not every parent thinks a Christian message, or any other religious message is "good." Or at the very least, a subject they want anyone talking to their kids about.

I think trying to slip the bible thumping in under the rader of a G rating is a scandalous manipulative move. And I'm just happy my people are running Hollywood and put a stop to this horse shit.

Look, do I think they had some malicious intent? No. But if they want to claim they want parents to know what their kids are seeing, they should welcome a PG rating. If that PG rating makes some parents hesitate for a split second and find out what the movie is about, how can that be a bad thing? It's only bad if they are trying to be manipulative.

And Congress wants to cry about violence and sex? Maybe we should keep kids from watching the news. Stories about how you assholes have us in a war we can't win, and how often do I see a story about one of them in some extra marital curriculum. Nevermind keeping the kids from the news, keep me away from watching the news.