Alert the media

I made a pretty big decision. I'd like to send out a press release but, I doubt the papers would pick the story up so I won't (I just can't handle that kind of rejection). But in light of recent events, and by recent I mean something on going for the past 15-20 years, I've decided the timing is right.

I am going to begin taking steroids, or human growth hormone, or my vitamins. I'm not sure what yet but, I'm going to start taking something damnit. That's all I'm learning from the media these days. The shit works. This guy on a bike in France, no not the one who had the big C, the new guy. Well he just got busted for "cheating." Well, he was like WAY behind and then one day made a huge improbable comeback (I imagine this is what makes any huge comeback huge, if it weren't improbably who would care?) and it was this great story of some dude we don't anything about over coming some huge obstacle. See, he was already in need of hip replacement surgery.

Anyway, now he has failed some drug test. Something about his testosterone levels were too high. Maybe he's just that fucking manly? I mean he wears tight shorts and spends hours with a small seat shoved up his ass. Tell me isn't that fucking manly?! But yeah, now he's a cheater. Hell with that, he's a visionary. He's god damn Popeye, AFTER he eats his spinach. Only we think it might shorten his life. Riding a bike at high speeds on the edge of a cliff was never a serious threat to his life I assume.

But I disagree. This man is a true American hero. HeÂ’s willing to sacrifice him self for the glory of victory? That's the American Way damnit. Our kids should emulate him. All those soccer parents who spend thousands of dollars on coaches, equipment, traveling and later on therapy need to just get their kids on the juice. Give little Johnny a hug and a syringe. He might be a champion some day.

Oh, a side affect is acne? Rage? Okay, so you relive high school. Big fucking deal. Wait, hold on. It shrinks YOUR equipment? Hmm. Well, thatÂ’s just beautiful irony. Makes a man a big winner, therefore he gets more girls. Only now he just has that many more girls pointing fingers and laughing at him. I think maybe I'll start selling orangwristbandds with "LiveWrong" on it.