"The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote"

So tomorrow is D Day. A day I've been dreading for, well years really. See, tomorrow is the day my sister officially loses all and any legal rights to her kids. She has a bit of a chemical dependency problem, her kids are the one's getting screwed. And I know everyone has crap in their lives, and I'm not trying to get pity or win any pissing contests. Simply just writing, well as Tupac called it, the realest words I ever wrote.

I've been an uncle now for nearly 15 years. Half my life. And nothing has ever defined me more, nothing ever fit me better. Not just with my nieces and nephews, with friends and their kids. When friends refer me as Uncle Gregg when talking to their kids, there couldn't be a bigger compliment. And for 15 years I looked these kids in the eye and said if you ever need anything, you call Uncle. (what they call me, not Uncle Gregg, just Uncle..always liked that) And here the shit really hit the fan, and I came up short. Was not taking on 4 kids, ages 3-14 to live with me in a small 2 bedroom apartment the wise decision? I'd like to think so. But it still fucking sucked. And I think will always feel like I made the wrong call. Now they're split up, with the oldest two going to live in Connecticut as of this weekend. The most insignificant issue here is my feelings of my own failure.

The big plate of shit, is what those kids have on their table. I've said I believe in odds, well these kids keep getting the odds stacked against them. And nothing is better than a story where someone overcomes the odds, and I hope and believe they can. You still never want to see anyone you care about so short stacked, with long odds. Talk about helpless. And helpless is gotta be the worst thing.

So yeah, you could say I'm pretty angry. At my sister, who if she is still alive turns 35 in 2 weeks. Mad at myself for not being able to do what I think I should. Mad that I didn't finish school when I should have, cause then I might be in a better position.

As much as I've always gotten a kick out of comments on here, I'm actually not looking for any "oh so sorry" or any of that. I'm really not looking for a pep talk, don't take that the wrong way. And this post will only be up for a few days. I just felt like giving this outlet a shot. Now, I'm gonna go play some Godfather and fuck some people up.

Reasons to like being an adult

So the network is on the fritz again. I think I'm posting TOO often now. Oh well, deal with it.

Video games, no more waiting for mom to take me to get one.
Staying up late, not getting yelled at for it.
Sleep overs. Maybe not frequent enough, no more cold pizza.
Cleaning up my room. Cause I wanna.
Sit as close the tv as I want. Although I dont, my ass stays on the couch.
Music. Played at any volume I want.
No curfew.
Cause I said so is now a reason I can use.
No book reports.
I don't have to sneak into R rated movies.
I can say "Fuck" a lot
I can drink as much soda or chocolate milk as I want.
McDonalds, whenever I feel like it.
Vegas beats the hell out of Disney.
Saying "fuck" is fun.
Beer or root beer, finally a choice.

"Back in the day"

Things I miss about being a kid:

Baseball cards- Hours of memorizing stats. Some I still remember
Atari-1 button joystick, any kind of game you wanna play
Saturday Morning Cartoons- When cartoons were drawn, not done on a computer
Fraggle Rock- GREAT show
Staying up late- So much fun, I still do it.
Ding dong ditching/TP'ing- Don't like someone? Bother their parents and wake em up, then RUN.
Scary movies-scared the Sh*t out of you
Seeing an R rated movie- Huge thrill. Gonna hear some f bombs? See a boob? Things that made me think maybe there is a god
Playing baseball/basketball- Copying my favorite players batting stance, head first dive into second base, post game pizza with friends.
The Mall- Hang out, sneak a peek at a playboy, check out MILFs..ok, still fun but now I'd be the creepy guy
Sleepovers- More fun now, maybe less frequent..but staying up late, eating cold pizza and watching Three Amigos was rad.

Entourage v. Sopranos

Let me first state, I am not by any means comparing the two shows. Sopranos is by far, my favorite and therefore the better show. What I am taking a look at and trying decide, is which group of guys would I rather hang out with. So I'm going to peel back all the layers to get to the heart of this very profound question.

First, let's meet the main guys

Sopranos
Tony Soprano aka, T. The Boss of the Family. Mean but with a lot of heart.
Carmella Soprano. The Mrs. Nice lady, good mom yet a gold digger
Christopher Moltisanti. Provides great one liners, loves movies. Bit of a checmial dependency problem. Beats women.
Silvio Dante. Underboss, loyal friend. Pretty funny
Paulie Gualiteri aka Paulie Walnuts. Snake in the grass. Don't trust this sack of shit.
AJ Soprano. Youngest child to Carm and T, annoying brat
Meadow Soprano. Yowza. Cool dame, hottie. Dad owns MANY guns. Kills people. That's a negative.

Entourage
Vincent Chase aka Vinny. Big headed, laid back new "It" boy in Hollywood. Lets his friends live off of him. Girls wanna be around him.
Eric Murphy aka E. Loyal friend, calls it as he sees it, good business sense. Knows how to make pizza.
Johnny Chase aka Drama. Older brother to Vinny, not much talent. Pretty much the punchline of the group.
Turtle. The funniest dude in the group. Loyal friend, guy who can "get things" Always up for a good time.


Life Styles:
Sopranos
La Cosa Nostra. Murder, extort, intimidate. Basically my life now.

Entourage
Hollywood. Movies, parties, trips, chicks. Not what I do now

The Women:
Sopranos
Attention hungry, hot, easy, gold diggers who want to tell their friends about being with you


Entourage
Attention hungry, hot, easy, gold diggers who want to video tape being with you. Won't get you killed, might get you a VD.

Location:
Sopranos
New Jersey, if NY is the heart of the country, Jersey is like the spleen.

Entourage
From Queens, now in LA. Well, you can take the boy out of NY but not the NY out of the boy. So they bring Queens to LA, and that's much needed.

Verdict:
I gotta side with Entourage. The whole thing about not ending up in the pen or in the East River is a definite plus. Along with just a more laid back lifestyle. And famous chicks like Jessica Alba.

More beliefs

Soon I'll have enough on here for you to base a new religion around. And that's not even a bad idea. But pray for Plainsmoses.

More beliefs:
That you should break any law you want. As long as you can deal with what consequences you might face if you get caught.
That you shouldn't do the crime, if you can't get away with it.
That you are thinking I'm some criminal right now.
That the only laws I would never and could never break are crimes against children, sexual assaults and spousal abuse.
That everyone thinks of ways to get away with major crime.
That I am way to focused on crime today.
That pulling a prank on April Fools Day is the same as getting drunk on St Patty's Day.
That you shouldn't need a day to tell you to get drunk or pull a prank, the motivation should come from with in.
That they could make a great prequel to Rounders.
That there should be a sequel to Singles.
That there are too many femine hygiene commercials on TV.
That you never stop feeling something.
That you either hide from it, add new ones to it, get time and distance so you forget it.

Opening Day 06

So it's Opening Day 2006. A day that should be a National Holiday. Yet, I came to work anyway. Surprisingly I'm not all that excited about it this year. Mainly cause I have some other things on my head. But I'm still pretty pumped. Got a good feeling about my Mets. Although, to be a Met fan is to always have a good feeling on Opening Day with another feeling deeper in the gut you don't want to face. That, crap it could all fall apart in 30 seconds feeling. And with Pedro, that feeling is always there.

But let me explain why Opening Day, or the first day of any sport season is exciting. In life, we get New Years Day. And everyone makes resolutions for this "new year" when in fact the only change is in the calendar, and taxes. You don't get a fresh start. Work doesn't start over. It just keeps moving along. But in sports, every team has a chance. Every bad year is erased, and everyone starts off with the same stats. The same hopes and goals. Even the Royals are taking the field today with the same goal as the Yankees. And with every new season you know there's gonna be some memorable games, personal seasons, great stories, horrible tragedies and big surprises. And even if your team sucks something awful, or you live 1500 miles away from your team. You go to a ballpark, eat a dog, talk to some friends and have a good time. Argue meaningless stats, compare the new breed to the guys you loved as a kid. And sometimes for a few minutes you actually go back to being a kid.

So there it is. Why I love Opening Day. Some other time I'll let bitter Hirp out to talk about how I'm not the baseball, or sport fan I used to be. As well as my opinion of the proposed roof for the stadiums in KC. But for today, Lets Go Mets!

ps- 20 years since 86?! God damn I'm feeling old.

The Long Awaited Top 10

10 Katie Holmes She could snap out of this Cruise thing, abort her alien baby and reclaim #2. It could happen

9 Emanuelle Chirqui E's girlfriend on Entourage

8 Jordana Brewster More reason to hate Derek Jeter

7 Debra Messing Hottest flat chested woman alive

6 Lindsay Lohan She goes back to being a redhead and keeps down a weeks worth of meals, she moves right back into the top 5

5 Eva Mendes The reason I rented Hitch. Shut up Porqchop.

4 Rachel Mcadams Zooming up the charts!

3 Jessica Alba Barely edged out of #2. But she's a top so many other lists.

2 Vanessa Miniiillo Even another reason to REALLY REALLY hate Derek Jeter, and a reason to admire Nick Lachey. Nice upgrade Nick.

1 Jennifer Aniston I'd give up the other 9 in a heart beat and list her 10 times. But I dont have to.

More Hirp Questions

Has anyone had a career disappear faster than Jennifer Love Hewitt?
Until Tom Cruise started brain washing Katie Holmes?
Has there ever been a bigger poster child for good light/bad light then Jessica Sarah Parker?
Should I take the stress test given by the scientologist on the plaza?
Or should I relieve some stress and commit a hate crime against them?
If Barry Bonds was white, would his alleged steroid still be a huge deal?
Why did we talk about Bill Clintons sex life more than the fact our current VP actually shot someone?
Does the movie Swingers have any flaws? Even one?
Now that the creatorts of Scrubs have a show called teachers, can we expect a "Sprint Provisioners" to hit NBC in less than 5, or less than 3 years?
Who would be more fun to hang out with, Vince Ari and the gang, or Tony and his?
Is there something wrong with me for pondering that? Does that deserve it's own post? I think so.
Why do girls hand those beads on their rear view mirror?
I dont believe you earned them in New Orleans. Prove it. Idiot.
Am I the only one who will drive 5 miles past my exit just to figure out a personalized license plate? Then get mad when I'm dissapointed in it?
Who needs more help with picking roles, Nic Cage, Robert Deniro, Ashley Judd, or Samuel L Jackson?
Is Ben Stiller mad that Stever Carrol took his career?
Is Ben Stiller mad that Paul Rudd took away the left over parts?
If you were married to Christine Taylor, could you ever be mad?
When did courting become stalking?

"Boat drinks"

So I just got done watching a movie that I really dig. Every time I watch it, it gets a little bit better. Now it's not on the same level as my favorites. But it's really a gem. It's not at all your typical gangster movie. Although its plenty gangster. It's 2 scoops mafia, 1 scoop chick flick even, and all independent. And the players? More All-Stars than the last Dream Team. Andy Garcia, Chris Walken, Steve Buscemi. Little appearnces from Don Cheadle, Penolope Ann Miller and Josh Charles who by the way needs a new agent or something. This guy could be huge.

The movie, Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead. Garcia plays Jimmy "the Saint" a former connected guy who has since left the life to be a citizen. Till the boss, played by the genius that.....is Chris Walken (you have to read that as if he said it, that guys got a bad ass voice) He's "the man with a plan" who even though is confined to a wheel chair, still has all the power and can intimdate the hardest tough guys.

Jimmy is called on to do an action, which isn't an actual crime really. Just put a scare in someone. Shit goes wrong and his whole crew is sentenced to be "buckwheats" You need to see the film to know what that is.

I said part chick flick right? I didnt lie. See, Jimmy is one smooth talking dude. And although it reads pretty cheesy, he has perhaps the best pickup line I've seen in movies. I think it might actually work. Uses it on Gabrielle Anwar, who was the woman dancing with Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Well, she has a boyfriend already. And this is where I got my schtick of refering to girls boyfriends as "Chips" She's town between Chip and the smooth talking "Saint"

Written by Scott Rosenberg, who also wrote the screen plays for two other highly underrated flicks. Beautiful Girls and High Fidelity. All this talent and the movie still has that indep feel to it. Never going for the over the top violence you see in many mafia flicks. You get a feel for this crew and their loyalty to each other, and even though they are criminals and killers you root for them. Check it out on IFC, Blockbuster or Hirp Flix.

Daylight Savings

Just got an email at work reminding me that this Sunday we change the clocks. Which got me to thinking about a question I've had for years. Yet always forget to find the answer. What the hell happens to TV shows when the clocks change? Like when 2am all of the sudden is 3am, do they just skip the normal 2am programming? How bout when we gain an hour, do they replay shows? And what about movies that are on? Every year I wonder about this, then forget to pay attention to find the answer. So now you can all wonder about it too.

Mis-behirping

So, let me tell you the big plans for the weekend. Well Sunday anyway. Lenscrafters, my former employee over 7+ years, has an annual dinner thing called Visioning. When I first started it was a pretty big deal, we had it at the Marriott down on the Plaza. And over the years, as the company has grown and grown more stingy, they've moved it to smaller venues. To some shitty hotels, to KC Masterpiece, and this year a Chinese Buffet.

That's part of the story, pretty important. Also, my leaving the company didn't end up happening on the best of terms. I wasn't fired or anything like that. I gave my two weeks like a professional. But there ended up being some serious dislike between myself and the General Manager. Mainly cause he wouldn't know the truth if it ran him down in the parking lot (something that MAY have been considered) There's actually more to the story but I shouldn't print it till all legal action is settled. (It doesn't directly involve me, I'll tell you that much)

Well I was recently kicked out of the store, a first for a former employee. Kind of odd for an employee who was loyal for 7+ years. So, I'm pretty sure the GM doesn't want to see me around.

But I have inside sources still, seems his employees are still more loyal to me than they are him. And I know where this years dinner is. So myself and T-Mac shall be there when they get there, just having a nice innocent dinner. What's this mean? There could be a GREAT post come Monday morning. Also means, keep bail money around.

And if you ever feel like it, feel free to go into the Lenscrafters at Oak Park Mall and raise hell. Let kids take glasses off the wall and snap them, pee on the chairs (its happened) Leave a steamer on the floor, I don't care. Just tell me about it later.

Hirps Beliefs

I Believe:

That the corrupt cops working for Suge Knight killed both Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
That no one wants to prove it.
That George Bush was going into Iraq with or without 9-11 happening
That saying he did it in response to 9-11 is the second greatest tragedy of that day.
That every politicians son should be in the military.
That baseball and poker are the best analogies for life.
That all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
That Robert Deniro needs to say no to SOME scripts now.
That just cause you love kids and they like you doesn't mean you should have any.
That the best job for me would be to say who can and cant have kids.
That there are some big things in my future.
That wasted potential is the saddest thing.
The the government along with the Mafia killed John and Robert Kennedy.
That racism effects everything and everyone.
That children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way.
That Godfather 3 didn't actually happen.
That Godfather 4 will happen.
That it's always better to leave early than overstay your welcome.
That you should tip based on the quality of service
That I let how cute a waitress is effect my perception of service.
That gay marriages will work, bout 50% of the time
That fedoras rock.
That dame is a cool word.
That if someone wants to be in this country, we should let them.
That attracting the opposite sex/or same if the case may be, influences every decision we make. EVERYONE.
That destiny gets too much credit.
That the reason is just in the odds.
That organized religion is responsible for every war in the history of our world.
That spirituality has nothing to do with religion or god.
That you should smile at a kid any time you make eye contact with them, if you know the kid or not.
That people are more honest when they are safely hidden behind a screen name.
That when someone online lies, its usually a bigger lie than they'd tell in person.
That a man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.
That Elvis is dead.
That rap music has forever replaced Rock as the voice of the younger generation.
That everyone would be happier if we all took naps.
That men should hold doors open for women.
That chivalry isn't dead. Just rare.
That marriage isn't for everyone.
That almost anything done once can be forgiven, that if done twice its a habit and will happen a third time if given the chance.
That everyone has good and evil in them.
That some hide one or the other better than others.
That if you drive in the passing lane any slower than 5 mph over the limit, you're a horrible human being.
That if you speed through a school zone you're the scum of the earth.
That I'm actually pretty funny.
That if I admit my faults it's more acceptable than admitting my strengths.
That mental toughness is what separates most people in similar fields.
That sarcasm is an art.
That this is too long now.

Random Hirp Questions

You don't need to answer each one. Or any. But you can. Or ask your own.

Is it better to regret saying something, or regret not saying something?
How many licks does it take?
Can you hear me now?
Where's the beef?
If they put a roof over arrowhead, will that really help Chiefs fans forget they wont see the Chiefs in a Super Bowl?
What the fuck does google mean?
Who came up with the word blog?
Why is sliced bread so highly reguarded?
If a bear farts in the woods, does he blame it on a rabbit?
If you speak english, does that take you out of the running for a job at mcdonalds?
If theres a god, and he/she actually does care who wins an oscar or a game, should we really be praying to him/her?
How can someone be pro-life and for capital punishment?
How do they get the filling inside a hostess cupcake?
If someone drives more than 3 miles with a blinker on, does that qualify them for a handicap sticker?
If you cant feed Gizmo after midnight, when do you serve him breakfast?
Is it better to be loved or feared?
What came first, the breasts or the insanity?
Are there different levels of honesty?
Is it pre-martial sex if you never plan to marry the other person?
If pride is a sin, what about this whole "I am the lord your god" Isnt that some cocky shit?

Hirps favorites

So I've made a few lists of things I dislike. I've ranted about a few subjects. Here's a curve ball. A list of my favorites:

Favorite Cartoon Charecter: Alvin
Favorite Sport and team: Baseball, Mets
Favorite sitcom (current and all time): Scrubs, Seinfeld
Favorite current television charecter: Ari Gold
Favorite Pizza: Anthonys in Huntington
Favorite sound: My keys hitting the table when I get home
Favorite writer: Tie, Nelson Demille, Glen Hirshberg, Mitch Album
Favorite bar: Grand Falloon
Favorite web site: this one
Favorite vacation: Chicago a few summers ago
Favorite distraction: poker
Favorite burger: Longbranch on Metcalf
Favorite store to waste time in: Mac store
Favorite columnits: The Sports Guy

Well that's pretty random enough

What's in a nickname?

I've never really had many people use my first name. Usually its a nickname, or maybe some insult like Plainsmoses only refers to me as "Jackass" So I was thinking back to all the nicknames I've had, who started them and where they came from. Thought it might make for an interesting post. Now there's more than a few here that porqchop is gonna take to the dirty place. But really, can a guy who goes by Porqchop really make fun of anyone elses nickname?

4th-6th grade- Pee Wee. Mainly in Hebrew School. Started by Marc Steir. At the time Pee Wee Herman was really popular. And guess what? I was kinda short.

7th-10th grade- Shorty. Mainly around my neighborhood in KS thanks to a guy, Chad Jefferson, who funny enough moved to the same developement as us from the same town in Connecticut. We didnt know each other there but my brother and sister knew his older sister. Rumor has that it came from my height.

6th-12th grade- From Original Pizza, the manager called me Little Man from the time we first started eating there on a regular basis, up through the years I worked there. It was never Gregg. Always litle man. Again, I think it had something to do with being short.

11th-current. Hirp. What does it mean? Is it an acronym for He Is Reall Pimp? No, actually its not. It doesnt mean anything. It actually came from another nickname. My last name was always shortend to Hirsh, and a friend in high school thought it needed a P. Some how Hirp stuck. Kinda like a burning sensation that flares up from time to time.

Working at kinkos- Mugsy. From my love of mafia flicks

At Lenscrafters- G Unit, G, Jackass, little fucking devil.

Uncle refers to me as wad, short for dickwad. That's pretty nice huh?

Other nicknames that were used but never really stuck, half pint, midget, mendel and at plainsmoses work I am "the short jew" So what are yours and where did they come from?

Hirp Story

So it's time for another entertaing Hirp story. Again, involving the great 88 Sentra. This took place sometime during what would have been my sophomore year. I had a couple friends that worked with the KU baseball team and my buddy V and I would go up and catch some games. Nothing beats the PING of the aluminum bat on the ball. Or the tight tee shirts on college co-eds. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, my car story.

So we're headed back to KC on K-10. And an on going joke over the years had been random lights that would light up on my dash board. Oh, Hirps low on gas again. So for a few days this annoying yellow light was on. Something about oil. I dont know. Anyway some guy in a pick up cuts me off and then gives me the finger. Ass. So I had to catch up to him so I could give him the finger back. Come to think of it, V was always around at the wrong time when I gave someone the finger. Like the time I did it and he was in a car behind me....with his mom. Anyway back to catching up to this guy.

I floor it. And the Sentra, well it wasnt a fast car. Anyway suddenly there's a loud pop sound. Then smoke. A bit of smoke. Pull over on the side of the highway, and literally my first words to V were "that was expensive"

See turns out, that little yellow light meant I was low on oil. Or, well out of oil. Which happens to be bad. I kinda figured it was like when the gas light came on, although the fact it had been coming on and off for the better part of a week probably should have clued me in. Nope. Blown engine. Aw piss. Bill? $1800. Wait, gets better. Got the new engine. Bringing the car home and the new engine just happens to be too much for the older transmission. Don't even get home and that blew. Another $600. $2400 into a car I paid nothing for, that wasnt worth that much and had already been stolen once. Aint that about a bitch?

"Thank god for this moment of clarity"

Sit with me a a moment. I'm going to share something very personal with you. So make sure no one is sneaking into your cube to read this, and turn off your cell you dont want to miss this. It's rare that you'll find anyone, let alone a guy be so honest with you about something like this. It takes guts. Lots of guts. Sure a lot of guys, and some girls like to put on a front but I'm gonna give you the goods. The real thing. Unplugged. Unsensored. Unauthorized. Uncanny. Under the bridge and dreaming.

What is it you're asking? Probably even out loud by now. Sorry but you must be patient. It's not easy to say. But here goes.

What I want to share with you is this burden I carry every day. My cross to bare if you will. (I hope I used that right, I'm a friggin Jew, we dont bare crosses) I. I am always right. There, I said it. It feels good to get out. Sure it sounds like a gift. But as Jay Z calls it, the gift and the curse. There are no mysteries to me (except women) I know how everythings gonna turn out. Sometimes, yeah it's great. But when you see every little twist 10 miles down the road, it makes things rather boring. Not that any of my readers bore me, see, I knew you'd think that. Its more that because I know it all, I bore myself. Now dont treat me like a circus freak, I'm not your magic 8 ball. There will be no tarrot card reading for you. I will not answer lifes biggest questions. Nor will I tell you whose gonna win the super bowl or what powerball #s to pick. Please, don't try to take advantage of me. Well, dont try to tak advantage of the gift. Me? Go for it. Well there. I said it. I hope you dont judge me for this, although I know who will and wont.

Random Hirp

System still down at work, and I am bored. I don't mean kinda bored, just a little bored. I mean BORED. Right about now I'd try anything for entertainment or to at the very least make some time pass. So here are some random thoughts.

The whole thing with illegal aliens. This is one time I think the club scene might have it right. Let's just get a velet rope up, and do one in one out. But with a twist. Instead of just waiting on some idiots to leave, lets start voting people out. Really, I get the home of the free thing. I do. It's splendid. But wouldn't we all be better off if some people would just leave the country? The idiot in front of me today on the way to lunch who couldn't find the gas pedal. Gone. Let someone else come and take their place.

I dont like it when I'm hold and one of those voice prompts comes up to tell me to keep holding. For a second there I totally think it's an actual person picking up, just to be dissapointed. Fucking tease.

Did I mention I really hate being on hold? I mean HATE.

There should be no re-runs. I hate re-runs too. But not as much as being on hold.

So finally got through to get some help with a computer issue. Now I'm gonna tell you something stupid I did. I get the tech on the line, and she logs into my computer to figure out the problem. Now she has my screen up and is moving my mouse and asking me questions. I actually found myself pointing at my screen with my finger. Like she could see?!?! I then laughed and told her what I was doing. No reaction. Good god, get a sense of humor.

Must haves..

So, I'm pretty much out of ideas for a post. Decided I'd post just a list of things I can't live without. Some noteable items missing, I might love but I know I can live without, even if I dont want to. (ie poker)

Let's get to it:
IPod, DVR, Movies, Music, Friends, Family, Baseball, tooth paste, deodorant, pizza, burgers, email, sarcasm, blank checks, cell phone, and naps. That's really it. I don't need much. Other than some ideas for better posts.

Think you're hip? You sure aint Hirp

So, let me tell you a little about KC. This stupid cow town. Went out with some friends tonight and we left one bar to head over to the latest "hot spot" down on the Plaza. Some place that I'm told is kinda Vegas, NY, LA-ish. Get there at 1:15, my friends beat me cause I parked over at my place and walked down. So by this time there's a little line and my friends are in. Now everyone in line is asking the bouncer about "Brian" I guess Brian thinks he's a somebody. Or these jackasses think he is. Okay, club rule. When everyone in line is asking about the same guy you no longer have a connection. You just spend too much time here, go join AA. Boucner isnt impressed, its to the point two of them are actually making fun of people. Club rule #2, you aren't that swank of a place when your bouncers are clowning the patrons.

So finally at like 1:30 they say ok, they can come in. Gee, thanks. But they wanna charge the guys a $10 cover. Wait, you wanna charge me $10 for 30 minutes? You're mom doesn't charge that you fucknut. Did I mention up to this point there's been NO cover at all. So I know I'm not getting a drink in 30 minutes, not with all these drunk sluts lined up at the bar looking for a guy who is pretedning daddy's BMW is his. You think this is really that cool of a place? Such a "urban" vibe, and I won't feel like I'm in KC? Well for starters, $10 wont get you into friggin McDonalds in Vegas. You can't even get in the line for the line for a club in NY for $10. And LA? $10 gets you in to the hottest spot in Compton. So take this $10, shove it right up your ass and get a papercut. So I left. Not like $10 is a lot of money. But give me a break. I can save the dime and go write a post ripping you idiots instead. Now, aren't you glad I did?

By the way, name of the place is Blonde. I'd bet money they're gone within a year.

10 More

So, for my next post I have decided to reach back (not around Porqchop) and post something along the lines of what I think is my most popular post. 10 Things that Piss Me off, so here are 10 more things that really piss me off.

10. "brother" It doesn't sound cool when Hulk Hogan says it. And if a cheese dick like that can't pull it off, neither can you.

9. Clapping It's fine at a sporting event or a play, when something actually impresses you.

8. Reality TV First thing, I admit I watch SOME of it. I get stuck on Real World and Gauntlet. But I'm not happy about it. But Dancing With The Stars, Amercan Idol, Top this, Chef that, whatever. Fucking stupid crap. And the "reality" dating shows? Every single person who thought that was the way they'd meet someone, should be fixed so they can't have children. That's about the dumbest idea since George W for President was suggested out of some dumbass at a Klan rally. All we are really watching for is someone to actually be killed on one of these shows.


7. Loud office talk I'm probably guilty of talking kinda loud at times but, that's in person and in a crowd. But these people who are 3 cubes away, that are straight up YELLING into their phone? Let's just stuff them in a drawer ok.

6. Office food So, I had never really worked in an office enviroment before. And this is the second thing that is annoying me. Mainly its pop-corn and even more specific, burnt popcorn. This and any other food that smells like ass should not be allowed in an office. Or maybe anthranx should be allowed.

5. Hands Free Cell You look retarded with that thing on your head. Then I don't know are you talking to me? Your self? Why must you talk so loud? Are you someone important? Or did you just have $100 to waste? Is that comfortable on your ear? How bout if I stick it up your ass?

4. Work Ok, not really work it self. I like my job. However, I think that if my alarm has to wake me up to come in, I should start being paid right when that lil fucker goes off. This isn't my time. I'm not up cause I want to be, I'm up to goto work. Start paying me right then, or don't get mad if I sleep till 9 and come in at 10.

3. Public restrooms So this might sound kinda gross, and I'm sorry. I hate using public restrooms, not cause I'm some germ-a-phob or afraid Porqchop is gonna hit on me in there. But there's just something totally uncomfortable about being in there and hearing the sounds and the smells are another story. Some people seem TOTALLY comfortable doing their thing, and yes, I understand its totally natural. But c'mon. I'm in the next stall, the wall doesn't have to shake.

2. Organized Religion Look, you found something that helps you to be a more productive, happier member of society? I think that's great. I do. But the second you start "preaching" to me, or anyone else for that matter, you are full of shit. These people sound like they work at some dinky used-car lot and that this Nova is actually a good buy, nevermind the fact that a woman worked on the engine for 10 years to impress a boy. Truth is organized religion has done more bad for this world, than good. Just look at Katie Holmes. Damn shame.

1. Nodders. It had been a long time since I was in classroom setting, then I went to training for my new job. And I was re-introduced to the nodders. The asskissing slimmy shitheads that nod their head as someone is giving a lecture. Same people who also say "uh huh, thats right, yeah, nope, nuh uh" to go along with whatever is being said. They also do this in normal conversation. They should be shot on site.

"Never rat on your friends"

A great quote from a great movie. But more than that, great advice. Hell, it's not even that,it's a way to live your life. See, Porqchop does a great job with these posters for my site and I always want the post it selft to relate to the poster in some way. Just makes sense right? So Goodfellas, well I already addressed my ideas about the Mafia and our, more specifically, my obsession with it. So now it's gotta be something else. Nothing ha ha comes to mind. So it's time to cover loyalty.

For me it doesn't matter what or who. Favorite teams, friends or family. Even a resturant or hair stylist. You gotta remain loyal. No exceptions. You may, no, you will get let down. You will get the short end of the stick (take it and run Chop) But if you always keep your end on the up and up, you can't ever wish you gave more. And if you ever find yourself wishing you had given less, less of a commitment to the friendship or relationship, well then you're selling yourself short. And that can't be an option. Really, I could drag this on. As you've noticed I tend to have wordy posts. But on this one I'm interested in what the comments are and I'd bet I leave some pretty wordy responses.

The Curious Eating Habits of Hirp

Alright, you wanna talk quirks? This is by far my biggest one. And I'll admit, its mighty strange for a guy in his, um mid to late 20s.

Now everyone thinks they know a picky eater, and I'm sure you do. I assure you, he's not pickier than me. I've met girls with anorexia who eat a wider variety of food than me. And Kenyans too. So that isn't the same thing as Ethiopian, it's a lot closer than saying oh, Rhode Island.

I don't know where it started, or how. Just that ever since I was born, I've been real picky on what I put in my mouth (this explains a lot of porchops bitterness)
Here is the list of foods I do eat:
Burgers, Steak, Pizza, Grilled Chesse, Pancakes, Chicken Parm, Spaghetti, Prime Rib, Kitty Cat and Lil Dog ribs (aka the ribs you get a chinesse joint) along with Fries, oreo's, chip a hoy and Lays potato chips.

That is it. No turkey (no, not even on Thanksgiving), no fruits, no veggies, nothing green, no fish, no Mexican, no Tai, Indian, Ice cream or even Matzah. And I'm picky on the foods I DO eat. Just the other day went for a burger, didn't like the smell, so I didn't take even one bite. Yes, I know theres people starving in Africa. My throwing it out doesn't really effect them.

The why:
I haven't a fucking clue. Some foods, its the texture, just grosses me out. Some the smell. Some I've actually tried and didn't like. And it may have been 20 years ago and all I remember is I don't like it. So I won't be trying it again. I've turned down money, free furniture and other offers to try something. And I can't figure out why I can't do it. Maybe its the fact that I'd rather stab myself in the stomach with a dull knife than vomit. Maybe I really am JUST that stubborn. Oddly, it's something I'm very self-concious about. I'll not go out to eat with friends just to avoid the topic. I'm afraid of going over to someones house when they cook cause I don't want to offend them. It has nothing to do with them or their cooking.

You thought this post might provide an answer? It wont cause I sure as shit can't.

"We got to pray just to make it today"

Last night went to dinner with a couple of friends, and one friend told a story I just gotta share.

Dana was at work and stepped outside to smoke, while out there he ran into a patient he had seen a few minutes before. She asked him if he would mind if she prayed for him to quit smoking. Now understand this, Dana hates to be touched. A fact that has provided me with GREAT ammusment for the past 7 years. He flips out from a pat on the back. And goes nuts when I slap his ass. Not gay, just funny. So yeah, I guess its gay but gay ha ha. anyway.

Anyway, he says sure. Thinking maybe she'll be saying one later that night. Oh no. This woman kneels down next to him, puts her hand upon him and starts to pray outloud. I wish there could have been a camera to catch this. For starters, I cant imagine how I'd react. It's not like she was cute. Sorry, this makes a difference. But even if she was. You're gonna put your hand on a stranger, and pray for them, in public?

Just one more reason gun control laws are a good thing

Okay, thought about it. And gonna give you a brutally honest post. So here are some confessions. Some will probably be great fuel for Porqchop. Some pretty embarrassing. So here goes.

-I know I have a FEW metrosexual tendencies, I dress well, I like Will and Grace, I have a pretty nicely decorated apartment, I enjoy some chick flicks. I like John Mayer, Dave Matthews and Fionna Apple.

-I like kids, love em. But at this time I have no desire to have my own

-I'm 70/30 on wanting to get married one day. But I'm 100% I can only do it once.

-I use the internet to meet girls. It beats the hell out of a bar, and truth is I have the social skills of an idiot with people I don't know. Know me and I wont shut up. Don't know me, and you're almost luckier. I'll write a post on this later.

-I've stolen things, and I've lied. Some of you, ok almost all of you have benefited from it.

-I honestly can't think of one time I screwed a friend over.

-I remember every compliment and every insult. And I probably don't take either one very well. Jokes are different, I can take being ball busting (shut up porqchop)

-For about a month after 9-11, I actually liked George Bush.

-I like Justin Timberlakes music.

-I think I'm a horrible poker player.

So this is gonna be a first. A total free style post. Normally I sit down with either a subject I wanna get into, someone or something I wanna poke fun at, a rant or something in mind. Ah but not this time? And why? Cause I opened my big mouth again. Said I'd post something happier than the previous posts, which to be honest weren't that good or fun to read. I apologize dear readers. Like all 4 of you.

So I'm just gonna sit and type and type till something that resembles a fun post ends up on my screen. Who the hell knows how long that could be. But this is just going to be totally uncensored Hirp. Unplugged if you will. But if I went acoustic here, I'd be screwed. I don't have a type writer. And if I did, what am I gonna do, mail you all this? Shit, I don't goto the post office. But maybe the whole freestyle thing will fit best with my newest poster from Porqchop. The good and the bad, and probably a little of the bitter (I'll try to keep that to a minimal) But there's gotta be something to actually talk about. Wait, the weather? It's the first day of spring, it's fargin freezing out and it's supposed to snow. The weather here is enough to drive you crazy. Drive you some place crazy. Some even more assbackwards, more detached state like oh..Mississippi or Alabama.

So here's something I was thinking about earlier. What bands or singers today, are actually gonna stick around? Who might be the new U2. You know, the band that stays big and no one can really remember why but we keep saying wow, aren't they great? DMB? John Mayer? Kanye? Green Day?Realize Green Day and DMB have been pretty big nwo for like 10-12 years? That's nutty.

So tomorrow is the second poker tourney of our season. I guess I should make a prediction on who will win, and hopefully it acts as a jinx and I walk away with the loot. But the safe bet is always Ryan.

So here's something else. A conundrum if you will. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be like total brutal honesty. Like anything that happened in my life, or any opinion I had, I'd share. And if someone reads it and has a problem with it, fuck em. Then I was like, hmm..what if like, say one of my nieces or nephews reads it and there's something relating to them. Maybe I don't want that. But at the same time, I'd really like to be one of those guys who just says whatever's on his mind and doesn't have to worry about what comes of it. Or is that just irresponsible? Yeah, so I think I'm done. Time to sit back and wait to see if there any good comments from you kids. Ready, set, GO.

Shocking the World

With KU out, there's just one team left to pull for. Wichita State. And here's why.

The shocker is a hand gesture with a sexual connotation that has become popular in many high schools and colleges throughout the United States. To create the gesture the ring finger and thumb are closed while the other fingers are left open. The gesture refers to a sexual act: Inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the pinky finger into the nearby anus (the "shocker"). Because of its explicit sexual connotation, the shocker is sometimes considered vulgar.

There are a number of terms for this hand gesture, the most common and widely used variations are "Three-finger salute", "Two in the pink, one in the stink", "Two in the goo, one in the poo" and "Going to town with one in the brown." Other frequent phrases accompanying the gesture are "shock the world" or "shockerrrr" (with the word elongated and said in a sexual inflection). The shocker is generally reffered toas being "given" or "delivered" rather than shown, much like the way the finger is verbally referenced.

There are numerous variations on this gesture, including "the Spocker," (two fingers in each) or the "barracuda," (pinky and ring finger in anus, index finger in the vagina and the thumb used for clitoral stimulation, which makes your hand look like a fish head) also known as the "sharker."


The shocker is also commonly displayed by sports fans of Wichita State University in Wichita, Kansas. The nickname for sports teams at the university is the Shockers. In Canada, the shocker is also known as the shot gun.

Definition brought to you by wikipedia.com

Also, understand. There isn't a poker game that porqchop doesn't mention the Shocker atleast 8 times.

Still Rock Chalk

Yes KU got bounced by another "where the hell is _____?" team. Yes it's a huge dissapointment. And this is in no way trying to excuse the loss. Truth is this post has very little to do with the Hawks or the outcome of the season. But it's about MU fans. Or to be more specefic the 20 jackasses at the bar last night.

For starters, I admit to rooting against some teams. The Chiefs for instance. I like seeing them lose, I do. But I don't cheer outloud AGAINST them. I just root for the other team. There really is a difference. And it's a big one. So I understand MU fans wanting Bradley to win. I do. Then just root for them.

And to be fair, there were a couple MU fans doing that last night. Just a couple. But let me recap, we got these drunk assholes standing in a tent ful of probably 300 KU fans. Standing right in the middle, and just talking shit the entire game. "Oh looks like the Refs arent giving them calls yet" Then they started to get on the nerves of a few and more than a few times there was the macho, "i'll kick your ass" drunk talk. Great, this is gonna be such a fun way to watch the game. I'm all for some trash talking, when its your team playing the team you hate. When a team you hate is playin a team you know NOTHING about. Just shut up. Don't tell me these guys were just trying to enjoy the game and the KU guys were trying to pick a fight. You know damn well when you get drunk and go watch the Hawks, in a room full of KU fans, you're looking to start some shit.

So this is why KU fans really hate MU. Fact is it's not much of a rivalry. In football they have historically been prety close, like 53-52-9. But it's not as if either team is ever been that good. But in hoops? KU leads like 163-93 I think. With 10 Final Four apperances to MU's zero. So as much as I hate the word, it fits perfectly. MU, quit hatin'

SOUL IS BACK.

For those of you that are "too cool" to watch American Idol, you are missing out on a legend in the making. Taylor Hicks, the gray-haired soulful Alabama singer, is quickly proving that America is sick of boy band singers and big breasted ditzy divas. America is ready for some SOUL!

"Taylor has feeling, and I believe it is coming from his heart" said Stevie Wonder during last week’s episode. And, believe it or not, mtv.com has picked him to be the winner as well. "Taylor will win American Idol. He defines unique, his love for music is genuine and his voice is so soulful. Even those dance moves are charming. If only they let him play that harmonica."

Who would have thought that the next idol would be someone reminiscent of Ray Charles and Joe Cocker?

Taylor has a CD available, you can purchase it here. The CD, Undar the Radar, has a version of Georgia on my Mind that would make both Ray Charles and Jamie Foxx Proud.

-Article courtesy of Missy Ainsworth webmaster of Kansas Soul Patrol. A site dedicated to Taylor, and his Kansas fans.

Roe V Wade for Men

I know you've all been wondering, "what's Hirps take on this Roe V Wade for Men case?!" "When will he post about it?" "How do I know what I think till Hirp tells me?!?!"

Well rest easy my readers. Here's a little Ghetto Gospel for you on this subject.

First, the argument. Guy says he told his girlfriend he didn't want kids from the get go, so now that they had a kid he doesn't feel he should have to pay child support.

Just another moron. For starters, you had a choice. Remember that night your parents were out of town and you took your then 19 year old girlfriend over to their house to try and impress her? That was a choice. Remember when you told her you didn't want a kid? That was smart, can't fault you for being up front. Good for you. But here's a problem I have with your logic. You say you don't want a kid. But you did everything necessary to make one. Actions speak louder than words. Now you probably didn't do that with the intention of making a child, and I agree with you. You shouldn't have children. But your actions didn't back up your talk. So essentially you either changed your mind or just didn't care anymore.

I got a problem with all these guys getting up set on this end, and the argument that "if she wants an abortion, she can have one even if the guy wants the baby" Well you asses, these are probably some issues you should have discussed before you left her with that bored look in her eye and a bun in the oven.

Oh, it was just a fling or a one night stand? Again, that's a choice. You made the choice to not deal with this issue before it became an issue. The fault is yours.

But I will say there is a valid point in the fact men don't have the same choices as women. But as unromantic as it may be, I'm sure there can be legal documents drawn up before hand that free the man of any economic responsibility. Who wants to ask a girl to sign those papers? Not many guys, probably kills a moment pretty quick. But again, that'd be part of the choice.

No Limit Texas Hirp-em

Let's see how this goes. Using poker as symbolic for my life, and how I play poker is how I've live.

At the table, just trying to play smart cards. As Mikey McD says, protect my stack when I don't have the cards, get my money in the pot when I do. But that's just the game plan. Probably not how it actually plays out. Truth be told, I know I don't play enough hands. Not enough risk. It's like I know at what level I play and I know damn well I can't read someone else. So I just try to stick to playing the cards I'm dealt.

And sometimes I get dealt what looks like a great hand. Unbeatable hand. Gonna rake in the chips kinda hand. But the luck of it, no one at the table feels they have a hand worth playing. Which I just don't get. Are they not even thinking about the odds that the flop could turn out good for them? Or are they just holding the shittiest hand. Some 2-7 offsuit crap? Maybe, just maybe a 4-6 suited. It's not that this is a hand I'm going to go bankrupt in. It's just another one of those hands that will haunt me cause I didn't play it right. Over bet the pot, or didn't bet enough. Shoulda checked, or should have raised. Or sometimes just calling and not getting greedy is the way I should have played it. Maybe if I could just read them better. Or if they had tells that actually made sense.

I know it's my misplaying that's got me short stacked and long odds against. Too many hands I didn't play. Or pissed chips away on a hunch. But the fact that I know this about my game, means I can only improve it right? And at some point stop making the same errors in judgment? It's ironic, someone who likes to play as much as me, just isn't playing enough hands.

It's not that my goal is to knock everyone off, and take all the chips. I just want to play my hand right, and hopefully end up heads up with someone at the end.

Brokeback Hirp

Well the recent post of my CARJACK story got a couple friends of mine interested in reading my other great story. A story that when first told about it, I'm sure Dana wet himself just a little bit. And till this day, laughs till he cries when he hears it. Why? I'm not sure, he's a truly sick bastard.

May 22nd, 1992. Last day of school, freshmen year. It's the bus ride home to start my summer. Playing baseball and umpiring for the first time are my plans for this summer. Plans that were put on hold before I even got home.

See the route home every day took us behind what is now Danny Jackson's bowling alley, and on this nice quiet street in a little neighborhood was a street. A simple, normal street. Only sign said "dip" And this sign proved to be a real pain in the...... Normally the idiots on the bus wanted the driver to go a little faster when he went over the dip, doing so caused everyone on the bus to get a little bounce.

Last day, he figures he'll go a little faster than usual. Not like he was over the limit, just a little something extra. Now, it's the last day so the bus is pretty empty. I'm in back just chillin'. Head phones on, listening to the first Tupac album. (this right, long before he was infamous and dead, he was in my walkman) At this time, I was about 5'2 and maybe 100lbs. In the very back seat, where you get the most bounce from that dip. That goddamn fucking dip. So boom, we hit it.

Now picture if you will, a boy flying through the air. Okay, I didn't really fly. But I did hit my head on the top of the bus. I think the kids call that "madd ups" Only I didn't jump. From the sitting position, I went up to hit my head on the roof of the bus. Ouch right? Wait, its not over. Gravity. Goddamn fucking gravity. Brings me back down to the seat, which is now going back up cause its at the other side of the dip. I hit it, still in the seated position. A nice little jolt. Leaves me with 2 compression fractured vertebrae. And I shit you not, the doctors told me it probably shrunk me a half inch. (porqchop, we don't need a visual of what a half inch looks like)

So now the bus is pulled over and an ambulance is en route. For I am in the back of this bus (a full size bus by the way, not a short one) with everyone telling me not to move, unable to speak cause it knocked the wind out of me.

Taken to St Joe's hospital. Sadly Menorah wasn't open yet. Like this Jew wants to be in St Joes! Mom gets the callat work that I've been in an accident. Before she can come in to the ER to see me, she's pulled aside to be told I have some back injury. Then she sees me on the board, head still embolized. Probably not her favorite memory. Glad I could pain a nice vivid picture for her.

Was there a lawsuit? Yes. Did I win? Um, duh. But till this day, it's a bit of a regret. We settled and should have gone for a lot more. In fact, maybe..Just maybe if we had hit the big pay day, I would have had a nicer car. Then instead of going to see Naked Gun 33 1/2 a few years later I could have been out with one of the shallow girls from school and avoided that whole CARJACKing thing. Whew, good thing we settled after all.

due to feed back,the title was reluctantly changed for this post

March 20th approaches....

March 20th. Happy Birthday to my man Mikey V. And for V's birthday, I am going to retell his favorite story. Because March 20th isnt just Mikes 28th bday. March 20th marks the 12th anniversary of my CARJACKING.

So walk with me if you will. Back in time. A brisk March night much like tonight. (Somewhere I'm sure) I'm out with Paul and Brandon, catching a flick. Naked Gun 33 1/3. Not nearly as good as the first two. So it's been a dissapointing night. Plus I'm about to head to Puerto Vallarta for spring break, so all I want is out of Kansas. So we drop Paul off and head towards Brandons house.

It's a little past 12 and we driving through his neighborhood, hood if you will. 127th and Switzer. Right near Blue Valley Northwest. We see a few kids out running in front of a house. Must be out tp'ing or playing some ding dong ditch. Good times. Even if they are a little old for it.

So Brandon is about to get out of the car, and we see these 2 fellas coming up towards my car. Look to be about our age, maybe we know them just don't recognize them yet? Huh. Wait, this asshole is opening my door.

"We just shot someone and we need your car, I dont want to do this violently," he says before lifting his shirt to show me his 38, as I also notice blood on his hand. Aint this about a bitch. The other guy goes around to Brandons side. He tells me to write down his pager # and callhim in an hour or so and I'll get my car back. But if I call the police he'll come back and deal with us. So I write down his pager number, as I also collect a few tapes of mine. Look it was 94, I was 17. I didnt have a cd player in the car ok? Just leave it alone. But I made some bad ass mix tapes. And I'll be damned if they get my car AND tapes.

Next the other asshole says "hey, where did Fish go?" to his partner in crime, literally. My ears perk up. Thats the nickname of a guy I work with at Original Pizza. And well when we saw these guys running in front of that house, there was 3 of them. Now theres 2. Did someone recognize me? So I ask the idiots. "Chris Fish.?.er, I wont finish his name to protect the guilty. Very, very quickly the 2 guys tell me no, not him. Um, right. And I'm 6'3.

So here we are, walking into Brandons parents house. They aren't expecting me. "um, outside, yeah uh..we just got carjacked" Cue his Moms WHAT THE ?!?! reaction. Now I got my car back the next day. Understand at this time in my life, I never put more than $5 in the tank (this is when $5 got me a half tank though) But for some reason, I filled it up that weekend. I got the friggin thing back on E!!! These idiots stole a 1988 Nissan Sentra, at gun point, and spent the night driving around. Americas dumbest criminals, we have a winner. This is 1994, OJ is in the news. Kato. Trial of the century.

And now, Hirp gets to take the stand against his CARJACKERS. I'm there, giving my statement with my own little fan club of V, Jared (ass) Mrs V and my folks. I'm hard enough to understand. But on the stand, nervous AND trying not to laugh at all this? I wonder what the stenographer entered for my testimony. Now I was on the high school newspaper staff, and never had a story on the front page (they didnt think movie reviews or sports stories were worthy, up yours Mac) But a story about me, made the front page. Beat that with a stick.

March 20th. Happy Birthday V.
(note: I wrote this and decided hell with it, it's gotta run early so sue me)

Chirps

What could possibly be better than having ADD and tourettes?

If you date someone with multpile personalities, is it cheating on her when you spend the night with one of the other personalities? Or is that group sex?

Saw a headline on cnn.com today "Miss Deaf Teen Texas Struck By Train, Killed" So really, they couldn't have worded that a little differently? Seriously, I'm willing to bet that clever lad, MU grad.

When I'm in charge of the world, anyone who burns popcorn in an office, dies. It's that simple

Why do people go through a Drive Thru just park outside and eat in their car? Hell, atleast get out of the car and eat at the little picnic area. Or go park in your garage, leave the engine running and shut the garage door.

We've all called some company and gotten that annoying automated prompt about "press 1 if you want blah blah, 2 if you want yadda yadda" and if you have a rotary phone, please hold for an operator. Wait. No. If you have a rotary phone, hang the damn thing up.Round up $9 and go buy a phone. Seriously, its 2006. What are you waiting for? Still think that the whole push button thing will last as long as the mini-disc? Take your Beta, your black and white tv, type writer toss him and head to Radio Shack.

Shooting from the Hirp

While talking to a friend at work recently, I came up with a brilliant idea. Basically its my way of "taking credit for the big salad" (Not tossing one Porqchop)

It's like this. From now one, when someone I'm talking to says thank you or some variation of that, I will just simply say you're welcome. Just being polite right? Only catch is it's pretty often people just say thanks without really directing it to me. Here are some examples of how I will use this new jedi mind trick.

"Thank god its friday" You're welcome
"Thank god the cop didnt clock me" You're welcome

"I have a hangover, thank god the network is down" You're welcome
"Thankfully the wife let me play poker" You're welcome
"So yeah, thank the heavens the baby isnt mine" You're welcome

So basically what's this mean? Well, I haven't the slightest. But I do think it means its time to up my medication.

Let's talk for a minute

Okay, say there's a college kid. And this college kid really really wants to do well. They study and study and the grades are pretty good. Just not as good as they could be if they could study more. So this student starts taking speed so they can stay up later to study. And lookie there, the grades are even better. Now, this kid is breaking the law. But the school doesnt have a rule saying that if you get caught using speed, they're going to suspend you or take away your grades. Is it a bad idea to take the speed? Yep, could kill the kid. Not a wise choice. So realy, is it that much different then Barry Bonds or any of these other ball players?

Barry Bonds should most definately not be suspended. Baseball is as much to blame as he is, and no one is looking to punish the owners. Look, we fans needed something to bring us back to the game. Home Runs did it. No one cared how or why then. Don't start crying about it now. Fix the problem. Get the juice out of the game and move on. But at the same time, don't for a second think that it's just something that's been in baseball the past 6 or 7 years. I promise you, its been around A LOT longer. And is not just baseball. I'd bet anything it's just as big in the NBA, NFL and probably Hollywood.

Tell ya what this whole Bonds mess reminds me of. WMD and George Bush. We heard a whole lot of talk about what we "knew" to be true. We "knew" they had weapons, and they were gonna use them. But when the troops finally got over there and started digging around, they found nothing but sand. There's no flunked test by Bonds. No video of him taking anything. Just a bunch of shady people telling their side. Like they dont have a book deal, or freedom to gain?

Wait, this isn't the Fieldhouse

Now it's hard to see. But look at the Y at the end of University (someone please help any Tigers reading this find the Y)

Ok, found it? The guy sitting above it, arms crossed, white dress shirt, RED hair. That's my old friend Mike V. Aka Red. My boy is all growns up, and when you're all growns up, you're all growns up. Anyway, let's get to why this picture made hirp.com. See, Mike is a graduate of The University of Kansas. And well, he's pretty damn proud of that. As well he should be. Not all of us are as fortunate. But why is Mike at a Duke game? Well Mike works for Wake Forrest in their sports info department. So he's there doing STAAAAATS. But the only thing I think Mike hates more than Duke, is MU. Well there are actually 9 other things, all viewable on this site under Top 10 list.

But what's so impressive about this picture, is even as the Cameron Crazies heckle Mike, he stays in the zone. Never missing an assist or a rebound. And not even adding extras as he did in high school. By the way, Mike cheats. A lot. Fantasy baseball, March Madness brackets. He just cheats. But I just wanted to show Red some love and tell the world how impressed I am by his composure. Shit, if only Collison could stay that focused, KU would have another banner hanging in the rafters.

La Cosa Nostra

With the new (Finally!!) and last (fuck!) season of The Sopranos just around the corner, I got to thinking about my obsession with the Mafia. It's not really something unique about me. Infact I got it from my father. But what is it that draws my dad and I, and so many others to the mafia and the mafia movies? Let's see what I came up with.

For me anyway, there are many different aspects that interest me. Almost its own Perfect Storm (only not 2 hours to long and a big dissapointment) First its the old school values. Old school values? Like what, rob and kill? Well yes. But more than that, family. You put the family first. Loyalty. Honor. Now sure in the end most of those things are complete bullshit and some rat will roll over on you when the Feds get ahold of him. But to start with, it's great. From the begining there's consequences for betraying your friends, for not keeping your word. How can anyone argue with that? That's how things should be. Maybe not death, but then again. Maybe death.

Something else that gets me is the conflict. Not so much between familes or crews, although thats great, but inside each man. Sure it's easy to sit back and say they are all animals and the worst of the worst. And that's a fair assesment. But look at Tony Sorpano. As ruthless and violent as he can be. He still loves his kids, tries to get them on the right track and provide for them. He loves his friends, you knew it ate him up to whack Big Pussy. So everyday is an on going war inside each of them. And really, each of us. Yes Tony cheats on his wife. But who out there doesn't have one life, yet sometimes dream of having a different life? You might love the wife and kids but at times, still dream about rolling up and heading to Vegas to play poker. Or you might be in a good healthy relationship but you still eye other people. Do you act on it? No. But they do. And god damn that's sexy. They get to have their cake, eat it and tell the waiter to go fuck himself. Really, look at the list of people I've been interested in. Most showed the world their good side and their bad, and didnt apologize for either. Tupac, Eminem, Dwight Gooden, Mike Tyson, Lawrence Taylor. All have done some horrible things. All did some pretty remarkable things too. Tony, Bugsy Siegel, Meyer Lansky, Michael Corelone, Henry Hill, Ace Rothstein too. But their evil deeds, just that much more evil.

And lastly. The idea that you could have a group of friends who would literally die or kill for you. Sit around, bust each others balls, wear pinky rings and not get made fun of.

Really what it is, modern day cowboys and indians. Only the Feds keep winning.

ADD

So under the advice of Porqchop I've decided to make a blog entry I didn't think about before hand. Normally I wait till I feel I have something to write about but in his age, I assume he picked up some wisdom on the way. So here goes something.

Let's see, whats on my mind? How's this for irony. ADD. By far the most over diagnosed disorder of mine, or even Porqchops lifetime. Here I am, twenty something years old and I was diagnosed with it about 10 years ago now. And since that time, I have heard seriously, probably 80% of people I tell that I have ADD tell me that they think they have it too. Look, you had trouble paying attention to Lord of the Rings? No shit, the movie is about 32 days long. You day dream about the girl in the front row during class? Isn't that why you go to class in the first place? Or my favorite has been "you can't have ADD, you spend hours sitting at your computer" Which has been the best cover up of all time. Let's see, I can sit here look at espn.com, check out nydailynews, download music, watch tv, talk to a friend or two, never once be rude to them cause I'm also paying attention to 46 other things going on at the same time. Basically it's like I get to channel surf here without the annoying flicker or land on something as lame as "There and Back"

I like to think I'm lucky because I don't have ADHD.  I would just sit there and doodle or come up with baseball trades like any normal geek. But since I wasn't hyper, it went undetected till I bombed out of college and decided there had to be something more to it. It just wasn't normal to get up in the middle of class and leave. I'm a fairly polite guy, and try to respect teachers and such. But to grab my back pack, put on my headphones and bounce right in the middle of a lecture? A lecture my parents spent a few bucks on?? That just wasnt right. Sure it had to do with the freedom of college,I never once skipped in high school. But seriously, it was almost painful to sit through. Even in classes like Advertising, that interested me. So finally I get on some good stuff. Ritalin then Focalin. Which, yes I know are like speed, and highly addictive. A fact that scared the piss out of me for the first few years I was on it. I had seen addiction pretty up close and personal and was always terrified of it (luckily I got over that fear before I started playing poker) But it took some time to get past that fear. And my second shot at Quivira U came and went. By the time I finally started taking the meds religiously I was an old fart pushing my mid 20s.

I've heard it a million times, go back to school. Get your degree. Which I mull over from time to time. But even if I go back, get a degree and start a nice career. I cant get back those college years. I can't redo high school. I don't blame ADD or anything for losing those years. It was my fault. Well my fault, and maybe a little bit on the schools. Seriously. Shouldn't they have been, oh I don't know, paying attention?

Dancing with the Tad pole

So it was a nice relaxing Sunday evening. Good food, good people, and tv so bad it's good fun. Went over to some friends for some italian and to potentially scar their children. Now you may question the parenting skills of anyone who invites me over, but once you understand that they watch Dancing With The Stars while their 2 little babies are in the room, you know I can't do TOO much damage.

So let me explain why this is entertaing. Beyond the hot girls wearing little clothing, dancing all over the screen. It's watching a married couple and their television viewing habits. The guy who talks the talk of watching his porn, or sports, playing his violent video games being reduced to someone who actually has an opinion on how Drew Lachey should win and Jerry Rice can't dance. Plenty of women play the role of trooper and watch some MNF but you almost never hear "wow Tiki is playing like an MVP" or watching a Jayhawk game"if the Hawks keep letting the Longhorns get open looks from three, they have no chance"

So my question is, will men watch and like anything on tv? Or is it just to please the wife or girlfriend? Even the all mighty Sports Guy has told tales of caving to Sports Gals viewing choices. I mean, this is America. I live alone and I have three tvs. All these couples have atleast 2. Are the men too lazy to just move to another room? Or as long as you're watching it in HD, who cares what it is? Does that explain why people watch..oh..eating contests on HD?! Someone, please explain this to me before I go chase cars.

Lance and American Century INVESTMENTS

So a buddy of mine, often mistaken for my gay uncle, did some work for his company and came up with this beautiful campaign featuring Lance Armstrong. It can be seen at americancentury.com, and you should most definitely check it out. After doing so, I was so impressed that I tried to match his creativity. I think you'll agree, I came up pretty short.

American Morons

First off, the title of this subject comes from, the much anticipated soon, to be released book of the same name by http://www.glenhirshberg.com. I dug the title so much I thought I'd borrow (steal?!) it for what I hope becomes an on going feature to this site. A long beloved passion of mine, highlighting morons. By the way, I encourage all of you to check out the link and head over to his blog to read where the origins of the title.

Now, onto the goods. Today's American Moron, none other than New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Now this idiot has stated that Katrina was God's way of paying back America for being in Iraq. For the record, I'm totally against what we're doing in Iraq, our idiot President and well..really not a fan of bad hurricanes either. But let me get this straight. Some idiot in the White House, and his buddies do some stupid crap and Nagin thinks God is taking it out on us? This is the same guy who got all pissed AT Bush for his slow response to the hurricane. Now, call me crazy but, isn't it just ridiculous to lump God and Bush together? Really, if there is a God right now he/she has to be wondering about which was a bigger disaster. Katrina, or Barbara and George getting together that night they made W. Really, I'd have to say W is the last thing I'd like put on my resume if I were God. Wait, I'm getting off point. This just doesn't add up.

Let me recap. W invades Iraq. Katrina invades Nawlins. Nagin get mad at W for his response to Katrina. Now this is where I get lost. How does this become God's way of getting back at us? It was ALL Dubya.

And wait, he wasn't done there. Something about making it a chocolate city, that God wants black people back in New Orleans. What, his killing thousands was just for shits and giggles? How do these jackasses get into office? And shouldn't someone be oh I don't know, maybe helping them craft their message just a little bit?

Master...er Great Debate

America is divided again. Not since Red States and Blue States, Bush and Kerry, Right and republican has there been an issue like this to split America in two. This time it's even closer because most people, can't even pick between the two.

The question at hand, which is better, The 40 Year Old Virgin or Wedding Crashers. A close call that reminds me of the great Pulp-Gump debate of 95.

Let's get to the tale of the tape:

Steve Carell Star Power Vince & Owen

Something About Mary Best Compared to American Pie with Trent from Swingers

"Know how I know you're gay" Most repeated line "A game called just the tip"

Steve Carell Break-out Star Rachel McAdams

Seth Rogen Scene Stealer Christopher Walken

So that's just the basics. Myself, I choose The 40 Year Old Virgin as both the funnier, and the better movie. Both are great fun but 40 year old just cracks my shit up. For every charecter in the movie, I know someone JUST like that. I can't say the same thing about Crashers. The charecters in 40 Year Old are just more likeable. Vaughn is great, as usual, but really he's playing Trent from Swingers and Wilson is just playing every other role he ever played. And really, I'm not rooting for him to get the girl, as much as I'm rooting for her to step through the screen and into my apartment.

Also, I guarantee you, in a few years when both are on cable, you will not be able to surf by 40 year old. It will be one of the all-time great surf stoppers. You don't need to see it from the start, like Meet The Parents or Fletch, there could be 4 minutes left or 54 and you are done surfing. Sure you'll stop on Crashers but you'll look a little more for something better before returning to it. And that's the test of any great comedy.

End of an era

7 years 2 months and 22 days. That was my sentence. That was the bid I served. Sure I made friends with some of the other inmates. And no, I never picked up any bar of soap in the shower. I did however, set a few fires. Figuratively and literally. But I've been paroled. It may not exactly have been for good behavior, but fuck it. Time served. Free at last, free at last. You know the rest right? But really, a few people are probably expecting, maybe even wanting, some long anti-Lenscrafters rant. And I'm not kidding myself, its not that I'm above that. In fact it would be VERY me. But this is it. I'm glad to be moving on to bigger and better. And I hate to get all mushy, but there were some bright spots. Mainly the people. Yes, the same guy who daily said "I fucking hate people," is actually a guy now saying he's gonna miss SOME of the people. New and old, they know who they are.

So I am currently enjoying a week of unemployment. My new job at Sprint doesn't start until the 9th. So its not really unemployment. But it's been kinda nice. Let's see, I've played poker 3 times (lost a total of $36) Been out for drinks now, 3 nights (including New Years Eve) I've watched both The 40 Year Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers. Saw one helluva National Championship Game. Saw the wrong team win. And I don't get it. Finally Bush loses, yet Texas still wins? Can't we just give the state back to Mexico? And it's only Wednesday. Tomorrow, yep, more poker. Some XBox. Very good chance I'll be eating some pizza at some point. "Pizza again Gregg?" Damn straight. Might even go see my kids.

I've been told I should be updating my blog every day, since well. I don't have much else to do. But there just isn't much going on. It is time however for the top 10 movies of 05. I'll post that either tomorrow or later tonight.

Maul rats

So many of you know I've worked at the local mall for some time. Long enough to actually call it a sentence (I'm getting paroled real soon though) And in my time, I've come up with a few rules I'd like to see enforced.

First, it should be noted I like kids. Get along well with them, and they seem to like me. Parents trust me with their kids. Even after I make jokes about the soft spot on a babies head. But now that we have that out of the way, parents I need you to pay attention here. The mall, although known for mall walkers, isn't a good place to let lil Timmy learn how to walk. Especially during the hell, er, Christmas Season. It isn't cute that I have to be stuck behind you as you bark at your kid to hurry up. I see you pushing the stroller, pick Junior up and strap him in. And what goes through your head as you let him navigate the stairs? The lil booger fell down standing still. Do you really think the other 60 people who are in a mad dash, are entertained by the fact they are gonna be on those stairs for 10 minutes?

It's not just the parents with kids on the stairs that are trouble. Its those couples, or groups of teenagers walking side by side who think the staircase is 20 feet wide and act surprised when they meet up with someone going the other direction. Seriously, some time soon someone is gonna get a foot in the chest to get them out of the way. I'm not even joking a little bit.

The one positive thing about a mall, can be girl watching. Ah, but this gets tricky. In this day and age, most girls don't look their age. So you look forward to when school is in, so you can be pretty sure if you see a girl in the mall in the middle of the afternoon, that she is of age and works there. But lets be honest, there's more than a few who dropped out of school and now work full time. So they may not be 18. But I see that the same as Lebron James or Kevin Garnett skipping college. They just declared themselves eligible for the draft. Maybe not ready for the big leagues just yet but they have the body of a pro, just need to work on the fundamentals. A project if you will. I'm not condoning this, just as I don't think its wise for someone like Korleon Young to skip college. But it happens. Side note, this rule doesn't apply to my nieces, my friends daughters or my nieces friends. They aren't allowed to date or even talk to boys till they are either 35, or I'm dead. Whichever happens LAST.

Game on

So a few years back a friend and I kinda came up with this game to help pass the time at work. There's really no winner (not true, I win everytime.) So without further ado, here are the rules.

Take a movie you like that is atleast 15-20 years old. And recast it with todays actors. Not because you actually want to see these movies remade, there's no fad I'd rather see killed off faster than this one.

I'll go first.

The Godfather
Vito Corleone- Christopher Walken
Michael Corleone- Tough one for me, between Adrian Brody and Ed Norton, I'll pick Norton.
Sonny Corleone- Joaquin Phoenix
Tom Hagen- Jeremy Piven
Kay Adams- Charlize Theron
Connie- Jennifer Connely
Luca Brasi- Brad Gilbert
Moe Greene- Sean Penn

What a pisser

So I was watching The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch, and he was talking to KU alum, Bob Dole. Notice, we celebrate he's KU alum, yet ignore he's a republican. Anyway, they were talking about the fact that Bob was a pitchman for Viagra, and now DITKA is doing Levitra ads, so Donny comments that a guy has to be comfortable in his own skin to do those kind of commercials. So far, nothing funny I know. But he says this while wearing a purple shirt. A purple shit?! Okay, first thought. For wearing K States colors, Bob should have swung his lifeless arm with the pen, right into Donny's eye. Secondly. How comfortable in your skin do you have to be to wear purple anyway!? Call Vegas, tell them to put this on the book. Guy gets some wearing purple shirt vs guy gets some taking viagra. My money is on the viagra guy every time.

Best of 05

Still waiting to see some more flicks before the top 10 list comes out. So for now, I'm doing my pitch weekly-esque best of post. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not about to get all choked up about the end of this year. In fact, the sooner its over the better. But lets revist some highlights eh?

Best casino: Mandalay Bay
Best poker win: My first ever OST win, fittingly I knocked out Kendall after some heads up play
Best night of poker: Winning nearly $400 at Isle of Capri
Best purchase: IPod, followed by DVR
Best movie line: (tie) both from Wedding Crashers
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
and
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
Biggest guilty pleasure: Those damn Laguna Beach girls
Best TV show: Entourage
Best Pizza: Anthony's, thanks to the Sussmans for bring it out.
Best Trip: Vegas Baby!
Best Video game: World Series of Poker for XBox
Best story: Benjamin talking about his dad and I in a shower. That's all you get here. Want the whole story, you gotta ask.

2005 Playlist

So it's about that time. The year is winding down. Perfect time for top 10 lists to start popping up. And since there's still a few movies I need to see before I can make that list, I will start off with the Hirp 2005 Playlist. In no real order

1. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing Jack Johson
2. Home Marc Broussard
3. Oridinary People John Legend
4. Dear Summer Jay-Z
5. When I'm Gone Eminem
6. Heard 'Em Say Kanye West
7. Mr. Brightside The Killers
8. Till Kindome Comes Coldplay
9. It Wasn't You Nas feat. Lauryn Hill
10. We Aint The Game feat. Eminem
11.Dreamgirl Dave Matthews Band
12.Breathe Anna Nalik
13.Best of You Foo Fighters
14.Testify Common
15.Swing Away Rise Against


I'll start updating my blog more often. Just to quiet down Kdub. You'd think with new born twins he wouldn't have time to harass me. Ah but he makes time.

- If Raffy Palmerio, Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds and any other ball players actually have the balls to stand up and say they never "knowingly" took any steroids. Then I think I can say I never knowingly ate McDonalds.

- My buddy Bum is 100% right. T.O is bi-polar. Ironically the only person in the NFL that can save him and his career, is in Dallas. Coach Parcells. We no longer hear drama from either Terry Glenn or Keyshawn Johnson.

- If 50 Cent follows through on his threat of a beef with Dr. Dre his career will end faster than Ja Rules. Eminem will end it as fast as he started it. And this will happen.

- First it was the Red Sox, then the White Sox. And now I finally ended my losing streak by winning my first OST this past week. I don't read the bible. But if those three things aren't in there as signs of the apocalypse, it's time to go back and add a chapter.

- It's never real comforting when you check into a hotel and there's a sign telling you not to drink the tap water, and they hand you a flashlight.

- Hunting is not a sport. Nor a game. I overheard some guys talking about the opening of whatever hunting season recently. I always thought for something to be a game, both participants had to know they were playing.

- If you let someone ahead of you while driving, and they don't give the thank you wave, you have the option to shoot them in the knee.

- No movie over 3 hours not staring either Al Pacino or Robert De Niro, gets to have a DVD released with deleted scenes. In fact, the DVD should come with a feature where you as the viewer, get to pick scenes to delete

- If the alternate ending of Titanic doesn't include the boat not sinking, AND Leo strangling that whiney bitch, then it's just a waste of time. A lot of time. Not that it matters, never watching that movie again.

- Lauren/LC from Laguana Beach, must be on the cover of either Maxim or Stuff, every single month from now till she pulls a Lohan and turns into a walking skeleton.

- Any player who once played for the Mets, shall be referred to as "name" ex-Met. ie: Jason Isringhausen, ex-Met. For two reasons. I like it, and it'll bug the hell out of Mike. And that's always good fun for the entire family.

Cold Case

So the other night I'm watching this show on E! (no Kendall, it wasn't Taradise). A show that wasn't even about gossip, coked up actors, bad movies, or even Anna Nicole. Instead it was about serial killers. And who in their right mind can turn off something that entertaining? So what about this show separates it from the other 486 shown on A&E? Well, Timmy King. Name doesn't ring a bell like most victims names don't. But it was his initials that stood out to me. Saw them before. And the case they were talking about, a killer in the Detroit area in the 70s. Heard about that some where before too. Both in a novel by Glen something or other. (glenhirshberg.com)

This marked the first time I had seen or heard anything about these killings outside of Glens book. Usally its the other way around. I'll hear about something and then later on read about it. Or more often I'll hear about something, then check out the movie about it. So the next step was an obvious one. GOOGLE. Found very little about the case, which is surprising. Nearly 30 years later and a serial killer hasn't been caught? Isn't that what blogs are for? Seriously disturbed, obsessive compulsive who want to sound like experts on something. Not that I'd know or anything. And damnit, I've totally lost where I was going with this thanks to K-Dub. But let me leave you with this. Buy the book Snowman's Children and read it.

Have it your way

So here's something else that bugs me. Went into Burger King and I noticed something on their menu that baffles me. It seems pretty simple right, you want a beverage with that whopper but, what size do you want? So I ask for a small. No, sorry. They don't have a small. WHAT?! The choices, Medium, Large and Xtra-Large. How the hell does that make any sense, at all?! Really, someone explain this to me. You have the three options, isn't the cup that holds the least a small. Technically. Literally. It's the smallest they carry. But they call it a medium. What the hell is that? Doesn't medium pretty much mean in the middle? I even asked the kid at the cash register, and guess what. He didn't even understand the question. And I actually spoke slowly. He just kept saying, "we start at medium" So, I know our schools are failing. Now I know a few people from the marketing world who will probably be taking a look at this small corner of the web, hopefully they can shed some light on this issue for me. Cause I really can't afford to lose much more hair, especially over something as stupid as this.